Posts Tagged ‘Win’


Some of us just find out at different points in our lives that they are just careers that are…not quite for us. Some may be not up to our talent levels, some may be unsavory or embarrassing. And then some just…are a bad, bad idea. For example, you wouldn’t want someone who is naturally gifted athletically to try to take on computer programming. You wouldn’t want someone with social anxiety running for public office (wait…shit.). You wouldn’t want a politician to be a lion tamer…or maybe you would, depending on the politician.

The point is that there are careers where it just does not fit the personality involved. Case in point? I’m no longer allowed to teach sexual education in elementary schools…or anywhere, for that matter. Let me explain.

Sometimes in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to take a part-time job in order to stave off poverty, alcoholism, and a broken left wrist from bored masturbation. Say, a part-time job such as substitute teaching. Well, with my glowing resume bulging with qualifications, the school district I approached offered me my choice of three schools to sub at: the high school, the middle school, or the elementary school. Well, I declined the high school because the prospect of barely legal teenager girls becoming magnetically attracted to the AK-47 in my pants would just complicate matters. I turned down the middle school job as well because middle schoolers are basically walking, talking balls of hormones and insanity. That left me with one choice: the elementary school. That seemed relatively safe, I thought. I was, however, sadly unprepared.

You see, I managed to have the incredibly poor luck of substitute teaching on the day that the boys and girls are separated by gender and brought to the library or the gym and shown a little film designed to try to stave off the oncoming train of pain that is puberty. You all know the one and if you don’t, well…luck has smiled upon pre-teen you. Well, since the gym teacher was a female and I was taking the place of one of the fifth-grade English teachers, I was drafted (read: forced) into joining and helping out by the principal, one third-grade Science teacher (not a dude, by the way), and the janitor. For some reason. I’m not sure he was there as part of the help.

Anyways, the first half of the lesson was fine, albeit what you would expect. Fifth-grade boys giggling at the words ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ and ‘sex’ and then having the laughter stolen from their lives by the sight of a 1980s mother pushing a ten-pound bloody sack out of a hole the width of an iPod. You can tell which students have gone through the video because they walk around for the next two days with the thousand-yard-stare.

And then I made things worse.

You see, in a stunning display of unjustifiable bad judgment, the principal and other teacher decided to step out to grab some coffee and probably bang in the electrical room, leaving me alone with fifty already-traumatized ten year old boys. The janitor had already been forced to leave after making some sounds watching the video that were akin to a lion dying of cancer on a hot savannah with ants crawling up its ass. Thus, I had thirty minutes and a captive audience that was going to be receptive to everything I would say. This is, as we say, a really bad fucking idea.

To begin with, I explained what the class they were in at the moment really was – less “sex education” and more “This is what your penis will bring upon the world”.

I told them of just how much suffering and pain they would create through those potentially (in the future) four-to-ten inch skin snakes currently tucked into their Spiderman briefs. I spoke to them of the all-consuming fire that would rage through them when some spurned lover or sadistic band geek would knock their dangling sack back up into their lower intestines. And I explained to them just how much power their scepters would allow them to wield, were they only man enough to grab hold of it. The power, not the penis. Well, maybe both.

I would rewind the tape and pause it at the worst possible frame and just let it sit and stare at them, the Eye of Sauron burning into their souls, as I screamed at them: “Boys, this woman is in agonizing pain and you know who caused it? YOU. You did this! WITH YOUR PENIS! Your penis entered her and brought her into this unimaginable agony! SHE IS BEING RIPPED ASUNDER BECAUSE OF YOUR INEPTITUDE!”

The baby would come out and they would scream in terror again. Rewind, fast-forward, and repeat. The horror of seeing a full bush suck a howling blood monkey back into it like some sort of primordial gaping maw cannot be overstated. After a while, it almost became comical and the urge to play Yakety Sax during the thing was nigh unstoppable. Of course, then the placenta came out and it was game over.

After about ten minutes of that, I decided to finish up my time with them by explaining to them the process of sex, pregnancy, and birth. I can actually recall the exact wording because apparently security footage has improved to the point where subtitles exist.

“This entire process begins when you engage in the act of sexual intercourse. Nobody can really TELL you what sex is, but I shall endeavor to try to explain it. When a man loves someone or simply just feels the biological impulse to blow a load of genetic material from his scrotum, he engages in sex with the woman. Or man. Or transvestite. Or even his hands or a Ziploc bag full of water placed between the mattress and box spring of his bed. Anyways. There are many various ways to approach the act of love, such as [from this point, I spent about ten minutes listing all the ways to fuck – ALL of the ways]. Inevitably, something will happen and a mistake will be made. The condom may break – a condom being a piece of rubber you tie around your junk like a bowtie to make it all fancy, or the pill may fail – the pill being ecstasy, a powerful hallucinogen, or you may just be drunk and say “Eh, fuck it. Chance.”. When this mistake happens, those little Phelpsians nestled in that bean bag will explode into her with the force of a neutron bomb. The sperm, as they are called, will accelerate towards her uterus (her balls in her belly) at a speed of well over a thousand miles per hour. They will strike the uterus and explode, sending genetic shrapnel throughout her vagina. One of those shards may even fly far enough up into her to lodge itself in one of her eggs, since women contain chicken, as you well know. Once lodged in the egg, it downloads a computer virus that infects the egg, turning it into a self-replicating human, You will instantly know the next day if she is in the state called ‘pregnant’ because she will violently vomit when either smelling or viewing certain things, none of which you can know until it is too late, a cruel trick. This period lasts for about three months.Now, once the pregnant woman has reached the second cycle, the sun god Ra will come to you in the form of ’78 Buick and demand it as a sacrifice. However, you can appease his bloodlust with a sacrificial steak and eggs breakfast instead, the food symbolizing the merging of male and female. After a period of approximately nine months, a gong will sound from inside the woman, signifying the onset of the final process. I won’t spoil it for you here but suffice to say, there’s a lot of angry driving and police work involved. Any questions?”

It was about that time that the principal, teachers, and security burst into the room, grabbing me by the arms and legs and forcibly ejecting me from the window of the school, told never to return on pain of actual death. Seriously. They showed me the gun they would use to end my life.

I got paid pretty well though so…that was a plus.
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(That was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever read. – ed.)

We both know that’s not true.

(Well…I did have to read Twilight on a dare once. – ed.)

There you go! Deuces yo!

Dan Eats Cat Food Blogs The Oscars 2012

Posted: February 26, 2012 by kaostheory in Awards
Tags: , , ,

As always, Dan Eats Cat Food is here to watch the Oscars with all of you lovely people, complete with cursing, anger, incredibly inappropriate sexual commentary, and irreverence. Obligatory drink in hand, of course. God bless being a faceless Internet writer. Without any further ado, let’s do this. Oh, and for the record, the order and categories and names were filled in beforehand because in 2011, my hands nearly exploded trying to write constantly for like four hours. Okay, now let’s do this.
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7:06: On the red carpet. I mean, I’m not but the Oscars coverage is. Robin Roberts is still annoying.

7:07: Fuck The Hunger Games. It’s like Twilight Version 2.0. Chick crap.

7:10: I hate George Clooney. Stacy Kiebler. God. Just…my brother and I have almost come to blows before. That’s all I’ll say.

7:12: You can almost SEE Tim Gunn restraining himself from attacking Brad Pitt. Not in a violent way. And the screen switches to Sandra Bullock. It’s interesting. She’s in a blouse and pants, not the gown. It’s not a bad look, to be honest. And she’s going for ‘sexy times’ and succeeding.

7:14: I don’t know who this Nina is but she sounds like she’s on a shitload of Valium. Or is retarded. Or maybe both.

7:16: I’ve said it already but Robin Roberts is so damn annoying. She was annoying when she covered sports too. Like a steel wool scrubber to the eardrums.

7:18: John Carter looks badass. Actually, on a tangent, the advertisement for Coriolanus made my testosterone gland about explode when I watched it earlier. Shakespeare, modern day adaptation, Gerard Butler, and Ralph Fiennes. Hell to the yes.

7:20: Natalie Portman. Good Lord. And in red so…points. More points. All the points.

7:21: Tom Hanks rocking the goatee! It looks good. And ha! The ‘savage horde’. Priceless.

7:23: Brian Grazer always looks like he stuck his tongue into a electrical socket. His hair is just so spiky!

7:24: This man, Don Mischer, is going to have a heart attack by the end of the show from stress. I can tell. And Chris Rock has a little fro going on. Not the best look.

7:30: Time to rock and roll! This should be an interesting show for sure. And Morgan Freeman to start us off. I like that choice. Classy and to the point.

7:31: Hahaha. Billy in a “silent movie”. And then The Descendents with the Clooney kiss. And now Moneyball and Midnight in Paris with a really really weird scene with Bieber. I’ve kinda lost track by now. But hey, Tom Cruise and Mission Impossible!

7:35: Billy Crystal with a Tintin haircut is the creepiest damn thing ever.

7:36: And here’s the man himself! Class all the way. I’m maybe a little biased though, haha. After Hathaway and Stoner from last year, a corpse would be more entertaining. But nine times hosting is nothing to sneeze at!

7:37: HUGE burn on the industry with the joke about the economy and millionaires with gold statues. And now his medley. Fantastic. These are always absolutely incredible. He knocks it out of the park every single time.

7:42: Time for Tom Hanks presenting the first award. Wow. Shoutout to the seat filler! 59 years is fantastic. The first one up is Cinematography. And the nominees are: The Artist, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hugo, The Tree of Life, and War Horse. And the winner is: Hugo! That’s an interesting start. The dude that won looks kind of like Sam Elliot or Robert Plant. Kind of awesome.

7:44: The next one we have up is Art Direction. And the nominees are: The Artist, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, and War Horse. And the winner is: Hugo. That’s the second one for them. That’s clearly the one to beat. Hah. Seriously, though, good for them. I don’t who the chick is in silver but she doesn’t look too bad for her age. At least not in the body. The fact is kind of a mess and a half.

7:46: Alright what do we have now? Oh. It’s commercial time. That works! Less heat on my crotch. And I am so so glad that I went through and did the names and categories early. It saves me so much time in the typing now. I haven’t been nearly inappropriate enough tonight though. I need to get on that. And on Ellie Kemper. (Okay, so I was watching the red carpet earlier and she was in the rust-colored dress. Yes, I remember that. No, I’m not proud.)

7:50: HAH. Joke about movie theater sex. And into a tribute for movies. Wait wait. Princess Bride, Amelie, Ghost, Star Wars, and fucking TWILIGHT in the same damn reel? ARE YOU RETARDED? That is absolutely abhorrent. Ending with When Harry Met Sally was a nice touch though.

7:53: Cameron Diaz and J-Lo up now. J-Lo is looking BANGING. Wow. Cleavage central. Now up is Costume Design. And the nominees are: Anonymous, The Artist, Hugo, Jane Eyre, and W.E.. And the winner is: The Artist. That was a good choice. There were some slick-looking outfits from what I could see. Weird fact: the Oscar isn’t the bright gold like it usually is. Does anyone know why?

7:56: And moving right on into Makeup. And the nominees are: Albert Nobbs, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, and The Iron Lady. And the winner is: The Iron Lady. Wow. I’m actually kind of surprised on that one. I would have thought Albert Nobbs would have nailed it. Ah well. I’ll give J-Lo my Albert Nobb any day. Yeah. I said it.

7:59: They must really be focusing on the experience of movies and movie-going this year. Interesting. It’s kind of cool to realize that actors and actresses have the same connection to movies that we normal people do too.

8:02: Commercial time again. That’s alright. They’re making more manageable chunks this year, it feels like.

8:04: One of those stinger teasers for the Oscars by ABC. Tricky bastards. Making us unmute it for no damn good reason.

8:05: Who do we have up now? Oh yeah, Sandra is back. I’m almost positive that this winner is going to be A Separation. But Sandra just NAILED German. Well done! The category up now: Foreign Language Film. And the nominees are: Bullhead, Footnote, In Darkness, Monsieur Lazhar, and A Separation. And the winner is: A Separation. Knew it. But it’s hard to think otherwise when that one actually was nominated for another Oscar as well. It’s kind of a gimmie, you know? I’m not really sure what he’s saying but good on him.

8:09: Bringing on Christian Bale with a joke about his blowup. Very nice. AND the Batman music. Fantastic! This one is going to Octavia Spencer. Almost positive. I would love to see it go to Berenice Bejo. Because she’s absolutely stunning. One of the prettiest actresses I’ve ever seen. The category is: Supporting Actress. And the nominees are: Bérénice Bejo, Jessica Chastain, Melissa McCarthy, Janet McTeer, and Octavia Spencer. And the winner is: Octavia Spencer. Knew it! Good on her though. Here comes the crying though.

8:14: Commercial time again! They really are going quickly tonight.

8:18: Focus groups stuff? Interesting…HAH. Eugene Levy. Love him. And Fred Willard. Hahaha. This is hysterical. I’m dying. It’s the whole group with Christopher Guest. Amazing.

8:22: Tiny Fey and Bradley Cooper. One of my mancrushes. Not ashamed. And now to Editing. And the nominees are: The Artist, The Descendants, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hugo, and Moneyball. And the winner is: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Wow. Definitely was not expecting that one. But this team has won two years in a row. Wow. That’s a really good editing team. Repeating is incredibly tough to do.

8:25: Moving quick tonight. Sheesh. And now up to Sound Editing. And the nominees are: Drive, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hugo, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and War Horse. And the winner is: Hugo. That’s the third for the movie tonight. It’s cleaning up for sure right now. And a really bad pun on ‘Hugo’ but it was kind of charming. The second guy covered everyone. Literally everyone.

8:27: And right along again! The category is Sound Mixing. And the nominees are: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hugo, Moneyball ,Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and War Horse. And the winner is: Hugo again. That makes four. Marty’s touch wins all, apparently! This first guy is tall but he’s about to break down. The second, in contrast, is totally straightfaced. Hahaha.

8:29: Commercial time again. Good. Those were fast categories so I had to type and shift very quickly. Fingertips ablaze with the keeping up! BLAZING. I’m sorry this hasn’t been totally funny yet. It’s been pretty lowkey for a show, actually. I’m surprised.

8:34: Yay! Muppets! These are never not wonderful. Nobody hates the Muppets. And now we got Cirque du Soleil. With Danny Elfman. This will be crazy.

8:35: Yep. Just like I expected.

8:37: She just stood on his head. ON his HEAD.

8:38: That was crazy. And kind of awesome, not even going to lie. Well done. That shit has got to just tear your body up.

8:39: I didn’t know that Christopher Plummer was 82! Wow. He doesn’t look it.

8:40: Gwyneth and Robert! Love RDJ. What will he do this year? Well…Tebow for one. I love him. He’s hilarious. And the category is: Documentary Feature. And the nominees are: Hell and Back Again, If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front, Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory, Pina, and Undefeated. And the winner is: Undefeated. Wow. I can hear every sports fan in the country orgasm themselves simultaneously. Oh, and P.Diddy, who just likes spraying his piss over the white race. And that is why there’s a five-second delay!

8:44: Bringing on Chris Rock now. Gotta love that racial ‘humor’. Hilarious. Oh wait. No, it’s dogshit. And now trashing on animation. Class act. Now it’s Animated Feature. And the nominees are: A Cat in Paris, Chico & Rita, Kung Fu Panda 2, Puss in Boots, and Rango. And the winner is: Rango. Huh. That’s not quite what I was expecting. That was basically pushing the lengths of how long you can last being eligible for an Oscar. Ah well. Good on them.

8:48: Commercial again. They’re really milking the broadcast time, I think.

8:51: Hah. Melissa McCarthy.

8:52: Ben Stiller and Emma Stone up now. She is looking smoking in the red dress. She is a tall girl. But Ben is a small dude too. She’s adorable. Wow. Great banter though! The category is: Visual Effects. And the nominees are: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, Hugo, Real Steel, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. And the winner is: Hugo. I actually guessed that one. It looked really pretty every time I’ve seen anything about it.

8:57: Bringing on Melissa Leo to present Supporting Actor. She has a pretty badly scripted speech. And the nominees are: Kenneth Branagh, Jonah Hill, Nick Nolte, Christopher Plummer, and Max von Sydow. And the winner is: Christopher Plummer. Wow. He’s the oldest actor to ever win an Oscar. That’s crazy. 82 years old. Good on him. Classic old actor.

9:03: Commercial again. The music is actually pretty cool tonight. They’re doing well. It’s been tight and classy. I don’t even have a dirty joke there, although I really should.

9:06: What? Were you actually expecting me to come in a couple minutes later with a joke? I’m insulted that you think I would go for such easy, low-hanging fruit like that. I have more dignity than that.

9:08: Oh boy. What they’re thinking. This should be hilarious. He’s going all in at everyone. Amazing. Especially on the dog.

9:10: Just the thank you from the Academy. It was short and sweet though, so good for him. And then Billy takes it right back. Can we just make him permanent host now?

9:11: Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson. What a strange pairing of people. Now we have Original Score. You can always tell the John Williams sound. And the nominees are: The Adventures of Tintin, The Artist, Hugo, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and War Horse. And the winner is: The Artist. The music sounded good. And the dude didn’t even have formal training. Good on him. Seriously. I’m impressed by that. And his wife held it together until he mentioned her.

9:15: Will and Zach. Oh my Lord. This will be insane. Giant cymbals is a really good start, hahah. Now we have Original Song. And the nominees are: ‘Man or Muppet’ from The Muppets and ‘Real in Rio’ from Rio. And the winner is: ‘Man or Muppet’. I mean, how can you vote against the Muppets? You can’t. You can’t unless you’re a communist.

9:19: This is…strange. Handing out the little popcorn? I don’t get the point behind that. Weird. I’d rather take one of those usher girls in light blue, personally. And now commercial time again.

9:23: Hahah. Billy fumbled it but recovered nicely. Angelina Jolie is up and about and gorgeous as always. Look at that leg. My balls just blew up. Just like little cherry bombs. First up we have Adapted Screenplay. And the nominees are: The Descendants, Hugo, The Ides of March, Moneyball , and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. And the winner is: The Descendents. Interesting. At least it’s not freaking Aaron Sorkin though. He was a douchebag last year with his win so…good for these guys. They seem pretty cool. And one of them was in Beerfest! Holy crap! That makes it ten times better.

9:28: And now moving right into Original Screenplay. And the nominees are: The Artist, Bridesmaids, Margin Call, Midnight in Paris, and A Separation. And the winner is: Midnight in Paris. I figured that he would get it. But he’s not here tonight. Wow. Can’t even show up for a potential win? Kind of a jerk move, I think.

9:30: Ah Werner Herzog. What a crazy, crazy, brilliant man. And Don Rickles is still alive and kicking and looking pretty good for his age, actually! And now commercial time.

9:36: That was a longer break. And now Milla Jovovich who is looking absolutely gorgeous. Goodness. She’s almost hotter now than she was as Leeloo. Almost. She’s presenting for visual effects and technology stuff. That’s awesome.

9:38: Bringing out the group of the Bridesmaids. Ellie Kemper. Guh. Just pretty. And now we have to deal with some one-note actresses (Wiig, cough cough). And penis jokes. I’m grinning, not going to lie. Despite myself. First up, Live Action Short. And the nominees are: Pentecost, Raju , The Shore, Time Freak, and Tuba Atlantic. And the winner is: The Shore. I know nothing about any of these so I’ll say that they were the best? I guess? Northern Irish though. Pretty sweet. What a proud mama in the crowd.

9:41: On to Documentary Short. The Scorcese drink was funny though. And the nominees are: The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement, God Is the Bigger Elvis, Incident in New Baghdad, Saving Face, and The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom. And the winner is: Saving Face. That makes sense. That one looked really rough, just from the five seconds they showed for the preview of it. “More important” that the Pakistani speak? That is kind of…eh. Good for the surgeons who are doing good though.

9:43: Finally in this one, Animated Short. And the nominees are: Sunday, The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore, La Luna, A Morning Stroll, and Wild Life. And the winner is: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore. Of course they picked the one film that took the LONGEST to type. I’ll say it again: I’m a freaking genius for typing this stuff out ahead of time instead of having to scramble to make up for it. Nice hat though. Gotta love a jaunty hat.

9:46: Break before they move on to the heavy hitter awards. I’m in the unenviable position of having my feet like ice cubes and my crotch like the surface of the sun. Seriously, my sperm are probably dying.

9:50: Michael Douglas is up, complete with Occupy Wall Street joke (by Billy). Time to roll with Best Director. There are some really big names in this category. I mean, Woody, Marty…Malick who did that crap film Thin Red Line? Big names. And the nominees are: Woody Allen, Michel Hazanavicius, Terrence Malick, Alexander Payne, and Martin Scorsese. And the winner is: Michel Hazanavicius. That’s great for him, but that also means that The Artist probably won’t win the Best Picture. Probably. But I could also definitely be wrong here. There’s buzz around a ton. Thanking the dog is a great move though!

9:55: Meryl Streep is coming up. 16 times nominated. That’s absolutely incredible. What an absolute legend in the business. She’s up to talk about the Governor’s Awards. They were about Oprah, James Earl Jones, and Dick Smith. James is just a stud. One of the most iconic voices there is. What a classy group there.

9:58: Break time. We’re in the home stretch. Place your bets now for who gets the last position in the remembrance section. If it’s Whitney Houston even though she only had one film, I’m going to be upset. Does she deserve a slot? Sure. The last position? I don’t think so.

10:03: Time for In Memoriam. First up we have…Laura Ziskin and Gil Cates. Oscar producers. Wow. First other one up is Jane Russell. Whitney isn’t the last one, thank goodness. Who is though? Elizabeth Taylor. That’s fitting. Great song, great singer, great memorial. And they didn’t go away from the screen either.

10:08: Commercial. Such a weird silence after stuff like that. No matter who you are or who you’re with. It’s weird. Death makes awkwardness for us all.

10:10: You know, this really isn’t making me want to watch something with Ashley Judd more. I loved her in Bug but that was about it. Plus she’s a Kentucky fan which…that’s kind of depressing. You can’t support the Wildcats any more than you can support Duke.

10:12: Billy tried not to crack after the joke he made but he just couldn’t hold it. Hah. Bringing on Natalie Portman. Be still my uncomfortably warm testicles. Now we have Best Actor. The fact that Gary Oldman has only this as a nomination for Oscar is a travesty. He’s the freakin’ man. And the nominees are: Demián Bichir, George Clooney, Jean Dujardin, Gary Oldman, and Brad Pitt. And the winner is: Jean Dujardin. That was another gimmie but he was apparently brilliant in it. I really need to see the movie. And the Funny or Die sketch he was in is absolutely incredible.

10:21: Break time. We have one more of these. Know what’s even more impressive than all of this? I’ve only taken ONE pee break. Yes, Mr. Tiny-ass Bladder has only had to take a leak once and that’s because of the drink I had. Which I want another of because, seriously, my lap is like so hot, you can’t even realize.

10:23: Hilarious joke about the French. Bring on Colin Firth. Love this dude. He is like the absolute mold for British charm and wit. The category now is Best Actress. And the nominees are: Glenn Close, Viola Davis, Rooney Mara, Meryl Streep, and Michelle Williams. And the winner is: Meryl Streep. WOW. That is a massive upset. Almost everyone was saying Viola Davis. I was typing it out before it was announced. I’m kind of shocked. She deserves it I’m sure but wow. Good on her. Great speech and she thanked her husband first which is awesome.

10:32: Tom Cruise is up to announce. No fuss, no muss. Here we go with Best Picture. And the nominees are: The Artist, The Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, and War Horse. And the winner is: The Artist. Good for them. I really need to see that movie now. And they brought Uggie on-stage which is amazing. Gotta love the dogs. This is one little dude though. Very short. But apparently a great producer!

10:38: And that’s that! Quite a good show, actually. Much better than last year’s. I apologize for not having the amount of vulgarity and sex jokes as usual. I just didn’t have the chance! It was fast and well-run and moved at a very nice pace. Congrats to all the winners and we’ll catch you next article.

Oh fine. Balls. Okay, I want 3400 words. Um. Balls.

Your Metal Baby

Posted: August 20, 2011 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , , ,

Children are terrifying, let us come to that agreement right now. They’re little and fragile and as a parent, you would be in charge of forming their minds and bending them to your will, which sounds pretty awesome but also requires financial and time investments that…well…are just inconveniences, especially right now. Worse yet, their taste in music is pure boring pablum. Raffi. Barney. Um…Cher. Other one-name monstrosities that treat music not as an art form so much as a money-swollen cow, heavy with cash, that they can milk directly into their bank accounts. Boring, basic chord structures and lyrics that wouldn’t offend the most sensitive pussy liberal politician or over-paranoid Nancy Grace histrionic.

The point is that you need to, as a reasonable and presumably awesome future parent, take steps to create and recognize the innate potential of embryos to become hard-rocking babies. Thus, we’ll show you what to do to make and then understand Your Metal Baby.

First, let’s get going with conception. Barry White? Absolutely not. Sting? Hell no. Marvin Gaye? Your kid is…gay…e. No, if you want a truly metal baby to immediate start gestating, you have to do the do to a little Metallica, mixing in some Megadeth for a little ironic fuckin’. Get that sperm nice and jacked up.

Okay, so your badass spermatozoa managed to infiltrate her Castle Eggcell and now you have a kid growing in your lady’s body. Set aside the fact that SOMETHING IS GROWING INSIDE A HUMAN BEING HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT ABOUT for a moment and understand that you now have some obligations. First and foremost, the belly music thing. In some studies, babies growing in the womb are positively influenced by headphones playing classical music against the belly. Something about the music makes them smarter. Well you know what to do, right? Blast metal through the headphones instead. Instead of Bach, Skid Row. Instead of Mozart, Slayer. You get the picture. Make that baby well-versed in the entire catalog of the metal industry before he (we’re just going with the assumption that the child will be male, otherwise much of this article gets really weird…well, weirdER) even is outside his mother.

Now it’s time to birth this little parasite. Some parents want nice soothing music to accompany the birth. That way, the mother will be more relaxed and ready for her spawn to burst forth from her vagina like a little flesh-colored James Cameron-style Alien. The metal baby, however, must necessarily come out to Iron Maiden. We would suggest “Children of the Damned” or even “Be Quick or Be Dead” if you want the baby to have an ironic welcoming song.

Your first sign that your child is how you want him is very simple and easy to tell. He will be pulled out throwing the horns. Not just his little fingers curling involuntarily. We’re talking horns up, thumb folded under, and his wrist moving it forward and back. Real horns.

Oh yeah. And if your kid is SUPER-metal, he will be born with a goatee like a tiny, adorable Scott Ian from Anthrax.

Naturally, with the horns and the goatee as well as frequent headbanging, family members and nosy concerned strangers who should mind their own fucking business will be concerned that your metal baby has had some problems while in the womb. They may worry that he has cystic fibrosis or something like that. Never fear. All you do is tell them that your baby contracted a case of Fetal Alcohol Awesomeness and that you’re working through it as a family. Then headbutt them to the ground and roar in their face.

Of course, your metal baby still has to eat and solid food just isn’t possible, although he’ll assuredly still try to gum a steak if you put it in front of him. Normally, milk from the mother will be just fine for the little rocker, but sometimes she’s just not around or is showering or sleeping or crying softly in the corner about how her life is over now that she’s had a kid and is feeling unattractive. What to do? Easy. Bottle-feed him whiskey. The essential nutrients in a bottle of Jack Daniels’ will prepare your child for the real world and the alcohol will relax him and allow him to sleep through the night, giving you time to jack off in the backyard since the mom still probably won’t want to have sex or give you a blowie.

Your child will want attention and you may not be there to immediately see that he desires such. He will make noise but he won’t make the noise that you expect of him. If your kid is a metal baby, he doesn’t scream – he falsettos. You’ll have your own little Robert Plant to entertain you.

Eventually, your child will learn how to speak. Yes, yes, ‘mama’ and ‘dada’ will be there because those are the first syllables children figure out. Those barely count. No, if you played your cards right and did your job, your child’s first word will be ‘amp’. And even better, his first phrase will be ‘I am Iron Man’.

This comes more down to luck than anything, but he may be able to think outside the box and do math (when it reaches that point) in a Base 11 system because Base 10 is too low and he wants to go one more. Because Spinal Tap.

Finally, as your metal baby sleeps peacefully in his crib, curled up in a vintage Def Leppard t-shirt, hook up a stereo system with a lot of speakers and play ‘Rock You Like A Hurricane’ all night. The pure power of beautiful metal in that song will comfort him if he wakes and will give you a chance to get the mother of your child drunk and maybe horny enough for a quick 1-2-3 in the laundry room. That way, everyone is happy. Well, except the neighbors, especially if they live in an apartment but fuck them. They can have their tapas and Neutral Milk Hotel and organic faux-leather Birkenstocks to go with their vegan-friendly, West Coast stoner-slash-East Coast progressive baby daughter with large fake black glasses and dyed hair. Your metal baby is gonna be fuckin’ that hippie baby in about sixteen years. COUNT on it.

Basically, what we’re saying here is to make your child as awesome as possible as early as possible. That way, the awesome will drip off of him his entire life. Unless, of course, he rebels as a teenager and becomes really into 90s pop music but…come on. Since when do kids ever rebel?

Dan Eats Cat Food Blogs The Oscars 2011

Posted: February 27, 2011 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , ,

And we’re here and ready to serve you. Yes, we know it’s been a while. Apparently, Steelers fans may be six shades of clinically retarded but they are pretty well-armed and having to hide takes time. Anyways, tonight, we will be blogging the Oscars with our typical snark and unambiguous sexuality. And now, we begin.

7:26: Halle Berry. She is an absolute MILF. I literally couldn’t give a crap what she’s wearing. I’d just rather it match with the carpet on my floor. You know what I mean.

7:27: Tom Hanks making fun of Robin Roberts is precious.

7:28: Yet another train/time movie. Like we don’t have enough of those already.

7:34: A bear costume? What the hell? This isn’t The Shining!

7:35: Wow. The Dance of the Brown Duck.

7:38: Them being “all real” isn’t quite true, Anne. They ARE actors after all.

7:39: I would like to nominate Anne Hathaway for most bangin’ ass and pretty rude titties. She can win that one easy.

7:41: Scripted stuff with relatives is kind of weird to see. Seems like it’s not necessary.

7:42: Now we have Tom Hanks. Love the dude. He’s always a class act.

7:43-7:48: Awards up now are: Art Direction and Cinematography.

Nominees are: Art Direction: Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, and Inception, The King’s Speech, True Grit. And the winner is: Alice in Wonderland. The fuck? I suppose that works. It was weird enough that it deserved something, I think. Holy cow, this guy is awkward. Like really awkward.

Cinematography: Black Swan, Inception, King’s Speech, Social Network, True Grit. And the winner is: Inception. Hell yes. That one definitely is deserved. That movie was so trippy and badass. I need to see it again, actually. This dude seems less awkward and more kind of cool. I would like to have a beer with him.

7:48: Commercial break. Stuff by Mango. Huh. Didn’t know that Chris Kattan actually was still getting work.

7:51-8:01: Sweet. Bringing on Kirk Douglas. He still looks pretty good for being basically a walking mummy. Why is he out here? Wow…this is actually really sad to see. It’s just like Dick Clark. His flirting with Anne Hathaway is amazing though. “Where were you when I was making pictures?” Awesome. Same with ripping on Hugj Jackman. Best Supporting Actress noms: Amy Adams, Helena Bonham Carter, Jackie Lieper, Melissa Leo, Hailee Stenfield. And the winner is: Melissa Leo. That was one that was pretty much a shoe-in. Good for her though. She apparently played a total bitch. And her flirting with Kirk Douglas was also funny. She seems genuinely shocked. Hmm. And she got bleeped. Hah!

8:01: Awesome. Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. They would make the prettiest babies. And that is an amazing background. Best Animated Short Film Feature category. Let’s see the nominees! Day and Night, The Gruffalo, Let’s Pollute, The Lost Thing, Madagascar: A Journey Diary. And the winner is: The Lost Thing. Never heard of it but then again, who the hell knows about any of these short films anyway? And holy crap, that dude is TINY. He’s like Midget Prime.

8:05: Now the Full Animated Feature. Noms: How To Train Your Dragon, The Illusionist, Toy Story 3. I wonder who’s winning this one. The winner is: Toy Story 3. Big effing surprise. I actually really like HTTYD. It was charming for a kid’s movie and anything with Craig Ferguson in it gets my vote. But I suppose exploiting nostalgia and having scenes that apparently rip people’s hearts out is a better bet. No chance in Hell it’s getting Best Picture though. None.

8:08: Commercial time again. Time for a pee break.

8:10: Dancing Asians in a background with Comic Sans font is basically a commercial saying flat out “Avoid the living hell out of this LASIK office”. Fact.

8:12-8:20: Hrm. History. Fascinating. Can Anne just show her tits and get it over with? Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem out now. Coupla intimidating dudes. But SHARP in white. Adapted and Original Screenplays:

Adapted:127 Hours, The Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit, and Winter’s Bone. And the winner is The Social Network. Ugh. That’s going to make for a boring night. Sorry, but Facebook is the most boring-ass subject ever. It’s douchebags becoming rich douchebags. That’s IT. Sorkin only won because he’s Sorkin. Let’s just understand that right now. And he’s going over time? Big fucking surprise. Douche.

Original: Another Year, The Fighter, Inception, The Kids Are Alright, The King’s Speech. And the winner is: King’s Speech. I’m sure it’s awesome. Interesting though. That may mean it’s not going to win Best Picture. What the hell though. Could have been worse and have been the lesbian one, which was apparently only remarkable because of the lesbians. And this guy has an AMAZING voice. Holy crap. And guess what? He’s not running over AND is funny. I actually like him. Good job on him.

8:24: …wow. Something about Anne Hathaway in a suit is incredibly sexy. And she has a HELL of a voice. Wow again. Annnnd James Franco in drag. Who saw that coming? The next presenters are Russell Brand and Helen Mirren. One I like, one I am not a huge fan of. And she’s still a GILF. Good Lord. And French to go with it. Grrrrrowl. Best Foreign Film noms: Biutiful, Dogtooth, In A Better World, Incendies, Outside The Law. And the winner is: In A Better World. That’s actually a surprise. I would have put money on Biutiful taking it. Interesting. She doesn’t know a whole lot of English but she’s pretty and very humble. Good for her.

8:29: Reese Witherspoon. Kinda pretty but her jaw just scares me. Best Supporting Actor noms: Christian Bale, John Hawkes, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, Geoffrey Rush. And the winner is: Christian Bale. Batman is an Oscar-winner! Flash the gold in the next Batman, Christian! And what an amazing name. Christian. Anyone with that name at any point in their name is a total and complete badass. And plugging his character’s website. That’s classy, actually.

8:34: Commercial break. I need the break to get the laptop off of heating my sperm to superhuman levels.

8:38: Announcement that Oscars and ABC have just reupped till 2020. Okay.

8:39: Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. The Aussie Patrol on stage. STAR WARS THEME! Fuck yes! You can never EVER go wrong with it being played. EVER. Lawrence of Arabia. E.T. Westside Story. Interesting choices. Original Score noms: How To Train Your Dragon, The King’s Speech, The Social Network (Trent Reznor), 127 Hours, Inception. And the winner is: The Social Network. And now Pred3000 is forced to change his Huggies because of the massive amount of fangasming. I would have liked to see Inception take it.

8:45: Scarlett and Matthew. Don’t even need to give last names. Mainly because I can’t spell them. And I want to fuck her. Like, I don’t even care that Ryan Reynolds got there. Hell, that may even be a bonus. Okay, maybe that was too gross. Sound Mixing noms: Inception, The King’s Speech, Salt, Social Network, True Grit. And the winner is: Inception. Awesome. Love seeing that movie getting some love. They did a great job with it.

8:48: Sound Editing: Inception, Toy Story 3, Tron: Legacy, True Grit, Unstoppable. That last one is a strange choice. The winner is: Inception. Awesome again. Don’t really need to say a whole lot more on that.

8:50: Breaktime. Good. Getting too hot. Partially from heat. Partially from my loins. Because of the laptop. And because of Scarlett. The laptop and Scarlett in one big crotch-heating miasma. Mostly Scarlett though.

8:53: Marisa Tomei. The most unlikely Oscar winner ever but she has great tits. Thank you, The Wrestler! You broke my heart but gave me Marisa titties. Awards for spatial stuff. Nerd slam. Fuck you James Franco.

8:55: Cate Blanchett. Always a classy, pretty lady. Makeup nom: Barney’s Version, Enrique’s Way Back, The Wolfman. And the winner is: The Wolfman. Makes perfect sense to me. And that dude – Rick Baker – has an amazing ponytail. Just unreal. The makeup is pretty awesome too.

8:58: Best Costume Design noms: Alice in Wonderland, I Am Love, King’s Speech, The Tempest, True Grit. And the winner is: Alice in Wonderland. I mean, that one makes perfect sense. It was a visually stunning movie. Not that bad actually either. Wow, she has absolutely no personality. Reading off a note card? Come on, lady. That’s bush league stuff. This is really boring. Sorry, it is. The music means get off the stage.

9:01: Best movie songs ever. Interesting. Kind of. Not really, fine.

9:02: Kevin Spacey. Love him. He’s always awesome. And now “We Belong Together” being performed by Randy Newman for Toy Story 3. Catchy little tune, actually.

9:04: “I See The Light” by Alan Menkin, Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi from Tangled. Pretty but just basic Disney song.

9:06: Break time. Not a bad thing. Gives me a chance to look around the room. And maybe masturbate because Mandy Moore is smokin’. Not literally. I mean she’s gorgeous and I want to be inside her.

9:11: Now up we have…Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaul or however the fuck you spell it. I don’t like him. Because he has her on his arm right now GOTDAMNIT. And he’s boring. Best Documentary Short noms: Killing In The Name, Poster Girl, Strangers No More, Sun Come Up, The Warriors of Qiugang. And the winner is: Strangers No More. Cool. Congrats, I suppose. She seems incredibly arrogant though. Holy crap. Smug as shit somehow.

9:14: And Best Live Action Short Film noms: The Confession, The Crush, God of Love, Nawewe, Wish 143. And the winner is: God of Love. Okay. You can surely sense my enthusiasm for these films right? Holy crap. That is literally the geekiest looking guy I have ever seen. Good for him though. Seems like a nice dude.

9:17: …autotune was funny back in 2007. It’s not funny now. Harry Potter is especially not funny now. Or Toy Story. This is absolutely the nadir of the show so far. I’m actually embarrassed for the Oscars. Holy effing suck.

9:19: And now Oprah. Because she has such a presence in the movie industry. I’ve seen her in so many! Oh wait. No, I fucking haven’t. Why is she HERE? All I know is that she really needed an OpBRA. Best Documentary noms: Exit Through the Gift Shop, Gaslight, Inside Job, Restrepo, Waste Land. And the winner is: Inside Job. That makes sense but I bet Banksy is pissed. He’ll go…tag a public toilet with the Oscar logo or something. Pffff. Nobody gives a shit about graffiti artists except graffiti artists. And nobody gives a shit about your political views, you asshole dickface. And she looks like a total bitch. Now I will never see the movie. Good luck, dicks. Get off the stage.

9:23: Break time. Good idea. This is a terrible show.

9:26: Billy Crystal! Here we go. Save the show, Billy. And I never thought I would ever say that. The real host is here now. I love him. He’s hilarious. Way to pay homage to Bob Hope. Seriously, total class act, Billy. And this is an awesome bit. Incredible technology. And now Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. Love this. And Jude SLAMMED him. Amazing. But RDJ gave it right back. THESE guys should host. Visual Effects noms: Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, Hereafter, Inception, Iron Man 2. And the winner is: Inception. Damn right. That dream stuff was incredible.

9:34: “Jude Law no longer has a ride to the afterparty if anyone was interested.” RDJ is one of my favorites. Film Editing noms: Black Swan, The Fighter, King’s Speech, Social Network, 127 Hours. And the winner is: Social Network. Meh. The shaved head dude looks like a young Al Franken. That doesn’t make me like him any more.

9:36: Break time again. Good time for it.

9:40: Oh my God. That red dress on Anne is unbelieveable. Holy fucking shit. That is going to be running around in my DREAMS. Now we have Jennifer Hudson coming on to intro the last two songs and then announce Best Original Song. First one up, “If I Rise” from 127 Hours with Florence Welch and Ari Rahkman or whatever. And the last one is Gwyneth Paltrow from Country Strong with the song name I didn’t care because it sucks anyways. “Coming Home” maybe? And GP looks like she should be on Jersey Shore. Like a tall blonde Snooki. Horrific. That was a whole mess of Foggy Mountain Breakdown Train Wreck. And the noms are: We Belong Together, I See The Light, If I Rise and Coming Home. Come on, Randy. And the winner is: We Belong Together. Yes! Randy Newman deserved it. Holy crap. Awesome. He is always awesome. Nominated 20 times. Unbelieveable. And he is hilarious. Best speech of the night. Hahahah.

9:48: Okay, break time and then we have the Remembering Those Who Are Taking A Dirt Nap. We’ll see. I’m calling it right now: Leslie Nielson is going to be the final one. Either him or Dennis Hopper.

9:52: I’m just gonna list the first and last ones. First up? Popular music because Celine Dion is on stage. No wait. John Barry. And last up? Not Leslie, damn. Not Dennis, damn. Lena Horne? Are you ass-fucking me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Christ on a cracker. How the fuck is she ANY more important than Dino di Laurentiis?! Holy shit. That is an embarrassment of a final memorial. She was an okay actress. So what if she was the first black actress? Really? Gotta be shitting me.

9:57: I’m glad it’s a break. I’m fucking mad right now. And not even a mention of Corey Haim? Pathetic as fucking shit.

10:01: Oh man. That blue dress too now? Holy shit. Rrrrrrrrgnh. My pants hurt me. And now we have Hilary Swank up looking pretty good herself. And why are we bringing on Kathryn Bigelow again? Do we need this? Directing noms: Darren Aronofsky, David O. Russell, Tom Hooper, David Fincher, Joel and Ethan Coen. And the winner is: Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech. Better than whatever the Social Network one was. And it’s awesome that he recommended always listening to your mother. Sound advice, Mr. Hooper.

10:05: And now Annette Bening. Whoof. She’s a tough-looking broad. She just has not aged well at all. Introducting the…whatever it is. Seems kind of cool though. And now they bring them on. Awesome. These guys are classy and legends in their own rights. Eli Wallach is ancient but very cool. Neat segment.

10:08: Break time. No further comment.

10:10: Now we’re getting to the strong stuff. Let’s go, Jeff Bridges. Best Actress noms : Annette Bening, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lawrence, Natalie Portman, Michelle Williams. This is not one that is going to be a big shocker. Come on. I’m sure they’re all awesome but come on. And the winner is: Natalie Portman. She’s still gorgeous but the baby is just a big disappointment to my penis. Big, big disappointment. My penis is not happy. Bring out more Anne Hathaway because she makes my penis very happy!

10:19: Let’s bring on Sandra Bullock. Still beautiful . Best Actor noms: Javier Bardem, Jeff Bridges, Jesse Eisenberg, Colin Firth, James Franco. This one is actually more of a lock than Natalie was. If I’m wrong, I am stunned. And the winner is: Colin Firth. Called it. Called it. That was an absolute choice. I mean, there was no doubt. Always a classy dude.

10:28: Break time. Best Picture is up next. I really wish that Inception would win it but it’ll be fucking The Social Network. Ugh.

10:31: Anne is hot in yet another dress. But here comes Mr. Spielberg. Legend. Legend is up on stage right now. Best Picture time. Nominations are: The King’s Speech, Winter’s Bone, The Fighter, Black Swan, Toy Story 3, True Grit, The Social Network, The Kids Are Alright, Inception and 127 Hours. Let’s see how this goes down. I have no idea how it’ll end. And the winner is: The King’s Speech! Now I absolutely need to see this. Awesome. Congrats to all of the nominated ones. We can call this one “the grownups speaking”. I’m shocked they get the big three awards but awesome. Well done.

And with that, this generally unpleasant experience is over. I’m stopping there because I don’t care about kids. I mean, staring at Anne Hathaway did redeem a lot of it but it was just pretty awful in general. Now if you’ll excuse me, there are multiple beers waiting for me to claim my reward.


(Why don’t you just bring it on home now, KT? – ed.)

Don’t wanna.

(Do it. – ed.)

No.

(Do it! – ed.)

No.

(Fine. What will it take to make you finish this story? – ed.)

No. I mean, Snack Pack.

(Snack Pack? You want a Snack Pack? You want a Snack Pack in order to do your job? – ed.)

Yes. And not one of those crappy vanilla ones that look like coagulated semen. A REAL one. Chocolate.

(Fine. I’ll get you a chocolate Snack Pack if you do this. – ed.)

Yay!
——
Groggy, the young man shook his head, trying to come to his senses. His senses came back very quickly as he realized that his head and the rest of his body felt very heavy. Opening his eyes, all he could see was darkness, save a grate in front of him, the light split by the thin bars. Panicked, he began to thrash about and soon felt arms holding his limbs down, calming him. Through the darkness, he could hear a muffled voice.

“Calm yourself, Ken. Calm yourself. You are just fine.”

“Mistress Calliope?” he heard himself say, the sound echoing around him.

“Yes. It is alright. You are alive. Here. Let me help you.

Light flooded his face and he winced. Now he could see the world in full color. He wished he couldn’t as soon as he could because he now knew the situation. He was on the battlefield, the war raging around him already. He was clad in heavy armor and a large sword was strapped to his waist. He was on a horse and the horse clearly did not want him there. This…was not good.

“Oh shit.”

“Friend!”

He could hear the joyous shout of Nubbins as the funny little creature climbed up on to his horse and sat down in front of him.

“You are awake! Good. We were unsure how much longer we could protect you from Baphomet’s legions. Many good creatures died. But you are awake and with us now! Grab your sword. I shall direct the horse where it is needed. All you need do is swing your weapon.”

“Seriously, this isn’t something I – ”

“Thank you, Ken,” Calliope said softly, “Our child will grow up in a better world because of your actions.”

“Oh. Right. The kid thing. Look, it’s been real but I actually HAVE a girlfriend back home and it’s starting to get pretty serious so…”

That’s when she kissed him and his protestations went away.

“Ah what the hell. This is probably just a coma dream anyway. If I die in here, I’ll probably just die in the real world. Whatever. Let’s ride, Nubbins.”

With that, the horse took off, charging towards the armies ahead of them. Using as much of his strength as he could manage, Ken swung the very large sword he had been given. It was clumsy but effective. He could hear the screams of the wounded as he severed limbs and other assorted body parts. He could feel blood spray his face and he began to smile. He finally felt alive. He was free. He was…

Lying on his back on the ground, struggling to get up. His horse had been rammed and killed by some beast and he and Nubbins had been thrown to the earth. As he regained his balance, he saw what stood in front of him. It was a big, angry, snorting and spitting and raging…unicorn. Blood from his poor mount ran down the horn and stained the white hair of its face. For a moment, all the world seemed to stand still.

Then, the unicorn charged. Frantic, Ken looked around for an answer as to what to do. Nubbins, in a cracked voice, called out to him.

“Friend! Climb astride the ‘Corn! Get on the back!”

As quickly as he could, he dodged, grabbed ahold of the unicorn’s mane and swung himself up onto its back. It was, to say the least, displeased. It began to buck in a tireless effort to hurtle him to the ground where he could be stomped into oblivion.

“What! Do! I! Do! Now?!” he cried, every word punctuated by another buck from the creature.

“You must break the horn off!”

“WHAT?!”

“Break the horn off! It is the source of its power and rage!”

Shaking his head in disbelief, Ken punched as hard as he could at the horn, his gauntlet chipping at it. With every punch, another crack formed. The unicorn, sensing danger, began to buck harder but still the young man held on, swinging away. Finally, with a mighty blow, the horn cracked at the base and fell to the ground. The animal screamed and knelt down in pain. Ken quickly jumped off and looked at the pitiful sight. He heard Nubbins call to him.

“Now it’s just a horse! A horse you can beat to death!”

“What? But I just beat it!”

“Nooooooo!” the little creature cried, “You have not defeated it yet! You must kill it and drink the blood from the horn!”

“You’re kidding!”

“Drink its BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” Nubbins cried, his voice rising to a high, keening shriek, mania filling his eyes.

With disgust evident on his face, he picked up the horn and looked at it.

“Noooooooowwwwwww!”

He shook his head, tipped the horn back and began to drink. He coughed loudly, the blood clearly not agreeing with him.

“OH my God. I thought it would be pink and sparkly! It’s not! It’s black! It stinks and it’s black!”

“You have gained the power of the unicorn! Now take your mighty, magically imbued horn and stab it in the eye!”

“I don’t HAVE a…oh God no. WHY AM I ERECT?!”

“The magic has filled your horn with energy! Stab the unicorn and gain his life essence!”

“No. I am not going to skullfuck a unicorn. I draw the line there.”

“Then you must DIE!”

Ken turned to see Nubbins charged at him with a spear. Before he could react, the spear pierced his chest and…

Ken gasped as he sat up, his bed all a shambles. His sheets were twisted around him and he looked around. There, surrounding him, were his concerned – now joyous -family.

“He’s alive!” his mother shouted. A beautiful woman – his girlfriend – ran over and embraced him, smothering him with kisses.

“What happened?”

“You suffered a pulmonary embolism. You nearly died, ” his girl, still latched on to him, said.

“Uh huh. Well, I was just in a magical land where there were weird creatures and Baphomet and this girl. I think I made her pregnant.”

“Was I the girl?”

“I…no.”

“…you asshole.”

The room erupted in laughter as Ken sat there, looking perturbed. In the night sky outside, stars twinkled.
——
(…that’s IT? He WAS in a coma? – ed.)

Yuh huh.

(WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? THAT IS THE BIGGEST COPOUT ENDING OF ALL TIME! – ed.)

Yuh huh.

(I…I am so mad I can’t speak. – ed.)

Yay! Goodnight everyone! I hope you don’t hate us too much!

How I Spent My Weekend

Posted: April 27, 2010 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , , ,

Sometimes all you need is just a nice weekend away from everything. Or rather, a nice weekend away from ANYONE which leaves you free and clear to do whatever it is your black, cold heart desires. That’s what our Eye in the Sky, KaosTheory, had this past weekend. For his (late) article, he chose to let us in on a bit of his personal life. We hope you…

(No. No. Absolutely not. I am not going to allow this. – ed.)

What’s wrong, Ed?

(I don’t particularly feel any journalistic responsibility to let this psycho report on what he does in his spare time. It’s bad enough having to listen to his stories in the office. I don’t think that our readers have any desire to learn of his actions either. – ed.)

Well, it’s either this or nothing.

(And I can’t choose nothing, right? – ed.)

Right.

(Damn it. Fine. – ed.)
——–
Sometimes all you need is just a nice weekend away from everything. Or rather, a nice weekend away…

(We did that part already. Just…ugh…tell us what you did. – ed.)

Ah. Good to know. Anywho.

Masturbated to “We Are Stars” while dancing around in the kitchen: This was the first, last and repeated many times over action that I took. There’s just something magical about taking care of business in places OTHER than the bedroom or the bathroom. For instance, the kitchen. Or the hallway. Or even on the stairs. And with having a mass confluence of 80s metal stars singing about how they are awesome, well…it just completes the mood. A+ work, I must say.

Doubled Down: This was probably the least healthy thing that happened. Look, sometimes a man just has to do something he knows is terrible for him. Enter an amateur MMA tournament. Attempt to juggle running power tools. And eat something that can only marginally be considered food. That is KFC’s Double Down. To start with, you have to go through a mental process to actually justify ordering and paying for the damn thing. Most people turn back before laying down eight fucking dollars for a chunk of food. And it IS a chunk. It’s not really a sandwich because a sandwich has some reason to exist. The Double Down is more like they bred some hellish abortion of genetic engineering and just sawed off a chunk of its body, a chunk consisting of two chicken breasts, bacon, two kinds of what can only generously be called “cheese” and the Colonel’s Sauce which I’m relatively sure is like…79% semen. The concept is more the problem than the actual consumption, although this bastard doesn’t sit well. Oh no. It doesn’t make you SICK but it likes to remind you constantly that you did in fact eat the nutritional equivalent of a cinder block. I blame this fully for whatever madness occurred later.

Drank a full bottle of wine: Okay, this probably added to the madness too.

Got into a combative Internet fight: It’s like this. Sometimes a dickhead says something inflammatory, something insulting, something self-righteous that you just can’t abide. Sometimes you’re drunk enough and bored enough that you can’t sit by anymore. Sometimes you start throwing verbal punches without worrying about the consequences. Sometimes the fight gets beyond a simple disagreement and into a legitimate nasty fight. Sometimes you get so offended that you see red (okay, so maybe the red was partially wine in my eyes) and throw down. Sometimes you walk away. And sometimes some self-righteous religious “scholar” cockbite named Drew Frazier wins a fight because you chose to be the bigger man and not engage in the fight anymore. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes. Not often, but sometimes.

Pretended I was Snake Plissken: This was a fun one. I went all out. Jeans and a black muscle t-shirt. Eyepatch. Cigarette. Charges placed in my arteries in my neck. Silenced Uzi. New York at night. Killed crazies who were trying to kill me. Rode in a cab with Ernest Borgnine. Stared at Adrienne Barbeau’s phenomenal breasts. Fought a giant pro wrestler and killed him with a spiked bat. Got into a fight with Isaac Hayes. Made it out in the nick of time. Destroyed the security of America by stealing a valuable intelligence tape and breaking it. I went all out. It was pretty awesome, not going to lie. Especially the breasts thing. They really were excellent.

Iron Maidened it up: Yes, I am making that a verb. It was pretty awesome. It’s been a little while since I’ve had my voice up to the range it deserves to be at, so when I can sing Hallowed Be Thy Name full force and full range, well…rocking out and singing into a telephone is not only suggested but absolutely necessary. Fact.

Cried to Jurassic Bark: Fuck you, Futurama. Seriously. You were going to have it be the mom and thought it would be LESS upsetting to be a fucking dog? Really? As I’ve said, a man is allowed to cry at three things in his life: his child’s wedding, his wife’s funeral and this fucking episode. Jesus. Now I have great big MIR-sized balls, but this isn’t damn fair. I am not ashamed.

Shot a rifle at passing cars: I hit a Mercedes. It crashed. I think I should probably go into hiding at this point.

“Liked” something on Facebook: Because I’m apparently a 13-year old girl just begging for acceptance from her peers because she feels lonely and unwanted because her boyfriend of two weeks left her for another girl he’s going to dump in two weeks and boys are stupid and gross and her periods are finally starting and it’s still scary to bleed every month and breasts are coming in and now boys are going to pay attention to her but they don’t deserve her because they treated her so bad before and her friends are friends she’ll have her entire life and now she hates her friends and they are all just horrible people and now her friends are the best again and Twilight and Justin Bieber and fucking hell, I just made myself sick.

Decided to just be awesome: It was a reasonable choice.
——–
(You SHOT a CAR? – ed.)

Oh sure, focus on the one illegal thing I did. You didn’t comment on being awesome, did you?

(But you SHOT a CAR! – ed.)

Well, sure, everything sounds bad if you use words.

(I…see you next time, ladies and gents. Damn it. – ed.)

The Dan Eats Cat Food Summit

Posted: April 19, 2010 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , ,

This past weekend, KaosTheory and Ed made the trek down from Mt. Olympus to the Lost City of Atlanta to meet up with Pred3000, Rupert, Raybestos and Big Papa Bear (not an actual member of this website but enough of an impact player nonetheless). This…is the story of that trip. Most of it may or may not be made up.
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Friday:

5:00AM: KaosTheory and Ed wake up. Ed is pissed. He was, according to him, locked in the embrace of Salma Hayek who was dressed as Wonder Woman. He was also apparently close to ejaculation. KaosTheory prays thankful prayers to every deity out there that his guest bed was not soaked in editorial spermatazoa.

6:20AM: The bags are packed and thrown into the backseat of the car. A short fistfight occurs between KT and Ed to determine who gets to drive. KT wins. Ed pouts and takes a drink from his flask. It smells like gasoline mixed with Koolaid. Ed calls it “St. Elmo’s Fire”. KT decides not to ask why.

6:30AM CT – 11:30AM ET: The two engage in the drive down. The iPod allows for strong-armed rocking out.

11:30AM: The pair arrives at the apartment that Rupert and Pred3000 share. KT notices the faint smell of death surrounding the place but chooses not to mention it when Rupert gives him a glare through bloodshot eyes. KT is given the futon to sleep on as Ed claims a comforter and the bathtub. KT groans and Pred laughs nervously. This was off to a good start.

12:00PM: KT and Pred take a walk around KT’s old college campus, meeting up with a few people and discussing lunch plans. KT asks about the death smell at the apartment. Pred3000 shakes his head sadly and keeps walking. KT figures he should probably not push it.

1:00PM: KT and Pred go to pick up Rupert and Ed who by this point have taken a crowbar to Pred’s liquor cabinet and mixed somewhere around two bottles of gin, one of rum and four quarts of chardonnay into something that is ostensibly “Liquor Soup” but sounds more like “Prlibhliaahkrbh Sanelinelig”, at least to the sober minds in the room. KT decides to just throw the pair a loaf of bread and go to lunch without them.

1:15PM: KT and Pred meet Raybestos at his place to pick up some of KT’s old mail. Ray has grown a goatee and looks somewhat more evil than usual. Not a bad look, of course. The three of them then migrate to their favorite watering hole, where KT (who had been on a diet) devours a burger and a few beers. The two single members of the cabal ogle waitresses shamelessly. Ray taunts KT about his diet. KT flips him off and keeps eating. Soon, lunch is over.

2:30PM: KT and Pred hang out at Ray’s until Ed calls KT in a hurry. Something is mentioned about “facedown in the toilet”. Pred and KT bid an annoyed farewell to Ray to go take care of the situation. KT manages to convince Pred to drop him back off at the campus so that he can go for a walk with another friend of his. He spends the entire walk sucking in his gut and trying to make his voice lower than it is. Pred spends the entire course of the walk trying to revive Rupert who had passed out while throwing up in the crapper. Pred may or may not have cried in frustration.

4:00PM – 8:00PM: Angry at the irresponsibility of Ed and Rupert, KT and Pred pick up yet another friend from campus, go buy liquor, hang out back at the apartment (making sure to keep Ed and Rupert locked in the bathroom), then go get Mexican food and margaritas. After the dinner, they go release the unconscious captives and scoot off to campus to a concert.

8:00PM – 10:00PM: The concert. Panicky text messages from Ed go ignored.

10:30PM: After a quick run back to Pred’s to check on vital signs from the drunken pair, Pred and KT head to Big Papa Bear’s house to hold the Dan Eats Cat Food Summit. BPB is already there (natch) and Ray and a work colleague of his arrive soon after. Circle of Death ensues (KT has a twelve-pack of Newcastle, Pred has vodka, BPB has 151, Ray and his friend have wine and Sprite) in which stories are thrown around that the colleague has not heard before, a novelty for the group. Bohemian Rhapsody then occurs, echoing throughout the house.

Saturday:

1:00AM: Ray and his friend leave. The rest of the group puts on swimsuits and hits the pool/hot tub.

1:30AM – 6:00AM: We have no fucking clue. Pred and KT reach Pred’s apartment at 6 AM, way too late for the old men.

6:00AM – 12:30PM: Drunk sleep.

12:30PM: KT is awakened by a text from that sonofabitch BPB. He soon realizes how late in the day it actually is. He also realizes that he has no idea where Pred, Rupert or Ed are. This fact puts him into less of a panic than he was originally expecting.

12:31PM: Pred walks out of his room and informs KT that Rupert and Ed have been arrested for public indecency due to exposing themselves on a playground while riding a teeter-totter. Pred doesn’t feel like he cares enough to post bail. KT concurs.

12:32PM – 2:30PM: Nothing effing happens. KT and Pred sit around, nursing mild hangovers.

2:30PM: KT and Pred meet BPB at the mall for lunch. They mow through Great Wraps like Sherman through Atlanta.

3:15PM – 6:15: BPB and KT see Kick-Ass while Pred goes off to a job thingy. Lame. The movie was decent. The two then go to BPB’s house to feed his dog, then to meet Pred and Ray at the watering hole again.

6:30PM – 8:00PM: Dinner at the watering hole. Pred pronounces “fetish” as “fee-tish”. The next half hour is taken up making fun of him for it. Even now, it still amuses.

8:30PM: Pred and KT return to Pred’s apartment. Ed and Rupert have been released. They are sitting glumly on the steps to the apartment. KT and Pred try to ignore them. It fails. A brawl results in hurt feelings, a broken nose for Ed and a black eye for Pred. Rupert was glassed inside the apartment by a still-mad KT and bleeds on the carpet. Pred is very displeased.

10:30PM: KT falls asleep like a bitch because his sleep schedule was FUBAR. Pred, Rupert and Ed talk and drink for a bit then turn in as well. Night falls.

Sunday:

9:00AM ET – 5:00PM CT Church, lunch with another friend and then KT and Ed drive home, arguing the whole way. A fitting end. Fin.
——–
(Well. That was wholesale slander right there. – ed.)

Prove me wrong.

(I…hrm. – ed.)

Goodnight everybody. Good to be back!