Posts Tagged ‘Video Games’

The Descent Into Skyrim

Posted: December 31, 2011 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , ,

Look, I’m not even going to lie about it or cover it up. I’m not going to claim that I’ve been super-drunk or using my dick as a divining rod (finding wetness…get it?). First off, I was working. Yes, working. Dress clothes, 6 AM mornings, commutes, office work, lunchtimes filled with desperate socialization, playing around on news sites, uncomfortable random erections underneath the keyboard. I was an actual professional. Of course, they fired my ass because it just ‘wasn’t the right fit’. God forbid they train me on stuff I don’t know so I can be a more productive worker beyond just Tweeting and browsing Slate.com for eight hours a day. But that ended like two weeks ago, before Christmas. After Christmas?

Skyrim.

Holy shit. That game is like if sex was distilled into a CD form, laced with pure Colombian cocaine, covered with $1000 bills, and, just for good measure, a nice big juicy steak along with it. I’ve lost myself in Assassin’s Creed before. I’ve lost myself in Mass Effect. I’ve lost myself in Red Dead Redemption and LA Noire and all that. I have never been so lost in a game before. Not even metaphorically. I sometimes don’t know where the fuck in the world of the game I AM. With all the damn mountains and oceans and…vaguely sexually appealing dark elves.

My point is that the line between Skyrim and real life is becoming more blurred with every minute I spend walking the realm on my 360. To that end, I shall share with you my various and sundry thoughts and observations I have had while walking around, meeting Nords, and experiencing unabashed racism in-game (Windhelm specifically, which is like about two years away from going all Holocaust-y on Dunmer). Enjoy.
——
On Character Creation

I could be a chick. Or I could actually enjoy playing the game.

Wait, that’s an awesome beard. Can I…HOLY SHIT, I CAN BE KING LEONIDAS!

Okay, I can’t not play Leonidas. And the name has to be the same.

On Dragons

I just murdered a big, ugly-ass dragon by MYSELF and a sword. ALONE. I deserve a goddamn blowjob, woman!

For fuck’s sake, do these dragons have a death pact or something? After like three died, you’d think they would want to avoid me. “Dude, did you hear? Frank died.” “What? No way! How?” “Some asshole who calls himself Dragonborn ripped his cloaca out and beat him to death with it.” “Shit. Is that the same guy that killed Eddie and Marcus?” “Yeah. Yeah it is.” “Shit, man. I’m going to steer clear of him. Maybe try out Hammerfell for a bit, just until the murders stop.” WOULDN’T THAT BE MORE REASONABLE?

So…is this like sex where since I stole a dragon’s soul, I stole the soul of every dragon that dragon has ever been with? Did I just bang a few lady dragons? Or, worse, did I just steal the soul of a virgin dragon? Good Lord. There is nothing more depressing than a virgin dragon. All with the big thick coke-bottle glasses, a constant sinus infection, a pocket protector, a floppy disk full of inter-dragon porn, one arm bigger than the other. Ew.

On Trading

What do you mean you’re going to give me half price on that? I CUT A FUCKING ORC’S HEAD OFF WITH A MACE FOR THAT! It’s worth at least 250 gold, you dickhole.

You know what? I’m not going to buy any of your shit. I’m just going to go upstairs and rob your ass blind anyways.

Why are you following me? I’m a damn hero. I own all your life.

On Quests

Let me run through this again to be clear. You are sending me – the Dragonborn, the hope of the world, the last fucking man on Earth that can stop the big fuckoff evil dragon from devouring our souls – to deliver an axe to another guy you’re kind of feuding with. Are you always this big of a prick?

You know, I’m starting to think that my willingness to be an errand boy is permeating my legend of awesomeness and bringing it down a peg.

INFINITE QUESTS?! Oh fuck me…

On Personal Interactions

Maven. Is. A. Cunt. There’s no two ways around it. With apologies and all licensing credit to Matt Stone and Trey Parker…

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll,

Maven is a bitch!
She’s a big fat bitch!
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
She’s a stupid bitch!
If there ever was a bitch!
She’s a bitch to all the boys and girls!

On Monday she’s a bitch,
On Tuesday she’s a bitch,
On Wednesday thru Saturday she’s a bitch!
Then on Sunday just to be different,
She’s a super king kamehameha bi-atch!

(Come on you all know the words!)

Have you ever met my boss Maven
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
She’s a mean old bitch,
And she has stupid hair!
She’s a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
She’s a stupid bitch! (Woo!)
Maven is a bitch
And she’s such a dirty bitch!(Hey!)

Talk to kids around the world.
It might go a little bit something like this…

[Sung in 4 different languages by other children]

Have you ever met my boss Maven,
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
She’s a mean old bitch,
And she has stupid hair!
She’s a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
She’s a stupid bitch!
Maven is a bitch,
And she’s such a dirty bitch!

I reeeally mean it,
Ma-ve-en,
she’s a big fat, fuckin’ bitch!
Big, old, fat, fuckin’ bitch!
Maaaaaveeeeeeeeeeennnn!
Yeahhhhh, Chaaaaa!

I’m not proud but, really, she’s totally awful. I hate her.

I really feel kind of bad for not only ripping off some of the merchants, but turning around and stealing from them. Kind of. Then I sell them back their necklaces and my guilt goes away.

There is no greater sweet irony than destroying one man’s relationship with a woman for another man, then turning around and marrying the woman and screw the jerk out of a happy marriage. Wamp wamp.

I can’t sleep with my wife. What kind of bullshit is that?

I’m actually most comfortable with the town of Riften…even though it’s filled with thieves and Argonians.

Seriously. Why can’t I fuck my wife?
——
I’ll be honest. I’m kinda drunk right now.

(Kinda? – ed.)

Shush. This may be edited in later days. But for now, have a great New Year’s Eve and don’t fuck anyone that you can’t get your arms around!

More Rejected Video Game Cut Scenes

Posted: October 1, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , ,

Some people don’t like video games. I know, it’s a terrifying thought but it’s completely true. Some people think they are childish. Some think that they are a product of immature minds and sensibilities. Even some snobby-ass movie critics that look like goldfish at this point in their lives won’t put any stock in considering video games as any valid form of art. Of course, cinema is art. Movies are art. Books are art too. That makes a lot of sense. Games like Shadow of the Colossus or Assassin’s Creed where you have beautifully designed, lush, gorgeous landscapes aren’t art, but what those escaped Down Syndrome mental patients Friedberg and Seltzer create by slapping their tequila-stained dicks on hunks of animal intestine IS art. Games like Red Dead Redemption where you can be moved to tears by such deep character development aren’t art, but books like Twilight which literally prey on the clinical mass retardation and the onset of menstruation in little girls by introducing names and characters that are nothing more than empty shells for lonely fat girls to inhabit ARE art. Okay.

(Easy, KT. Take it easy on those Stellas. – ed.)

No, it’s really okay, Ed. Because in my search to find the perfect vessel in which to deposit my tainted seed, I actually managed to come across more rejected cut scenes from video games. If these aren’t art, well…okay they probably aren’t but fuck you, we’re going to prove the critics right. I guess.
——
Gears of War 2: After the exhausting events of this game, all members of the battalion are given two weeks’ leave to rest and recover. We find out in the epilogue that Dom and Marcus take a trip together to the Bahamas, where they spend their time drinking and laying out on the beach. As they unwind, they begin to open up and discuss their feelings. One night, after a few bottles of wine at dinner and a particularly emotional conversation, the two passionately kiss, transforming their relationship and the rest of the series into something darker.

(Rejected: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell precludes this from happening but even if it didn’t, it’d still be rejected. People don’t want to see two big burly men make out. They want to see CHICKS make out, preferably while in the shower or playing idly with the protagonist’s dick. Come on.)

Left 4 Dead: A close call with a rampaging Tank leaves Zoey tearful and desperate for physical affection so that she can feel a sense of any kind of safety. Latching on to Louis, she proceeds to fellate him as Bill and Francis look on. Soon, the two others have joined in, creating an “airtight” situation. As zombies rage and fight and bite outside, thirsting for their tasty, tasty brains, new, violent love is made with this Left 4SOME Dead.

(Rejected: First off, nobody is going to be okay with an “airtight” situation, okay? Secondly…Left 4Some Dead? Really? Jesus, Gary.)

Mass Effect 2: One of the many, many dialogue trees creates the option for Shepard to sleep with Yeoman Kelly Chambers. That’s in the actual game. Well, eventually, you can get her to come up to his room and dance in this incredibly slutty red costume. That’s in the actual game too. So here’s my thought. You have the ability to fuck her on the bridge, in full combat gear, right in front of Joker as you flip him off and do a little dance.

(Rejected: Aside from that being incredibly inappropriate – the potential for Shepard’s dick to get clipped off by an errant piece of armor notwithstanding – and probably creating some serious censorship problems, I don’t think the ESRB is going to look too kindly on a handicapped pilot being mocked ruthlessly by his commanding officer through backdoor sex and random leg movements.)

Rock Band:Coke, groupies, a bar fight and one of the members dies.

(Rejected: I wish I didn’t have to say no to this one because that could be a hell of a lot of fun, but we have little kids playing the game, ostensibly. Do you want to be the one to explain to angry parents why their little Donnie is suddenly so unrelentingly anguished over letting his “high meter” get too over the top or why Consuela is discussing which digital slut’s pussy is tighter? I think not. Pass.)

Star Fox 64: The entire time you play, Slippy screams at you for some undefinable reason, driving the player closer and closer to the brink of unceasing madness. That high-pitching, horrifying wail. From the depths of the netherworld it comes. Every waking minute is filled with the screams of this damned soul and you can do nothing. A mute button only hinders you as you cannot hear commands from your other teammates. Life is hell. Eventually you find out that the stupid fucker has accidentally gotten his dick caught in the gas tank.

(Rejected: A little too dark for what we’re going for, but it does explain a lot more than you’d think it would. Call this one a maybe.)

Goldeneye: Okay. This one is going to be more of a thinking man’s change. This is how it goes down. You play the entire game thinking that the main bad guy is Alec Trevelyan. It turns out that the person controlling HIM is…wait for it…Yakov Smirnoff!

(Rejected: Do you not see the problem with this one? Jesus, Gary.)

Donkey Kong: DK becomes a tragic figure. He awakes at the start of the game to find that poachers have kidnapped him and his family, except for Diddy Kong, who in a fit of anger and rabies had bitten the arm off of one of the hunters. His tattered corpse lies on the floor of the truck. The only thing to eat back there is one small, green, hard banana. Before the game actually begins and you go fight King K. Rool or whoever the fuck is the villain, you have to murder your family, the poachers and anyone else that stands in the way of you returning to your homeland. It’s a game WITHIN a game.

(Rejected: Way too meta for a kid’s game. And what kid is going to want to have to take into his own hands the responsibility of mercy-killing his own family? Are you trying to create sociopaths? Because that’s how you create sociopaths.)

Metroid: Samus is a dude.

(Rejected: I like it! But the HR department is demanding that we introduce more female characters into the market. What do they want? We gave them Lara Croft and the Rape-Matic 1994. What else can we give them? Eh. Whatever. They’re probably all on their periods anyway.)

Space Invaders: We don’t make this about aliens at all. Instead, we turn it into a psychological thriller about a pervert who constantly sneaks into a girl’s house and watches her sleep. Invading her space, get it?

(Rejected: That’s called Twilight. Do you want to get us sued? Jesus, Gary.)
——
I done good?

(You done…acceptable. Go have another beer. – ed.)

Yay beer!


Over the years, many people have been proclaiming that “rock is dead.”  Some are serious and point to Justin Bieber (hard to argue with that one) still others are being ironic and insist that now is the time for “paper and scissors to strike.”  Society generally hates those people.

But I am hear to tell you of another of another musical death – the death of Guitar Hero. This used to be the creme de la creme of video games.  Many evenings were lost to the flailing of toy guitars and the countless fourteen year olds pretending, for just a few minutes, that there talent was enough to make Eric Claption weep and retire, knowing he had seen the better axe man. Now that is all gone – people have moved back to gore and violence, leaving their musical ambitions behind. Guitar Hero is over.

Or maybe my complaint is just because my controller is broken and I have no money to buy a new one.

But hear me out. It is downright impossible to go and find any of the many peripherals associated with Guitar Hero.  You have a better chance of walking into Best Buy and finding, say,  a copy of The Declaration of Independence. Do me a favor.  Go to any Gamestop near you.  Seriously, go on.  Don’t keep reading expecting more jokes about boobs; those will come later.  You have some business to take care of.
Back yet?  Did you notice how there are practically no Guitar Hero or Rock Band accessories for sale?  That’s right; they are not for sale because there is not as big a market as there once was. You can probably find all the games severely discounted.  You may be able to find the cheap peripherals. But even the newer releases are hard to find.  A place near me had only one copy of DJ Hero left in stock. I have never even seen anyone play it.  This wholesale rejection of DJ Hero has become the norm.  The only people who honestly buy every single release are people who like hoarding or people who have no chance of ever seeing a naked woman.

Why?  Because the makers of the game over saturated the market.  We did not need dozens of titles of Guitar Hero but that is what we have.  We also do not need specific titles for specific bands (Guitar Hero Van Halen?).  Yet, again, we have them.  I am not sure why they felt this was a good idea. Oh wait; the almighty dollar.  This has lead to more bad ideas than any other thing in history.

So, what does this mean?  It means that these games will no longer cause people to line up around the block to buy them, or force kids to bring in jars full of pennies as though they are some sort of orphan in order to afford all the peripherals. What will happen is that most copies will end up collecting dust in the corner, with people casually asking if they want to play, only to be greeted with a chorus of indifference.

I remember the first time I played.  At the time, it seemed like the coolest thing in history. I, too, could be Ace Frehley (the song I kept playing was “Strutter”).  Most of the people seemed to agree with me.  The line to play at the party was what gathered the most attention.  The making out in the middle of the room?  Forget it, we had a guy who was about to five star “Sweet Child O’ Mine.”  Even the alcohol was ignored.  How strong does something have to be to get a room full of college students to ignore alcohol?  It requires some sort of cosmic radiation – trust me.

So, I have explained why Guitar Hero is dead. Bu why then would I say “long live Guitar Hero?”  Because it was an important part of our generation (you do not have to read this next paragraph.  It will contain very few jokes, except about drunken people and the memories they share).  There are many people, who, for brief periods of time, honestly did feel they were rock gods.  These same people, depending on what time in the evening it was, also believed they could fly and that the toilet was their best friend.  We all shared a fantasy.

We should not weep too long for Guitar Hero.  It was a momentous success that was the envy of all.  Besides, as with any fad, it must have a time gone.  But feel free to weep for a little while; there are great memories to be had.  Still, it is now important to go ahead and find some other way to occupy your time.

Like, for example, looking at pictures of boobs. (See?  I told you they were coming.  That pun is also completely intended.)