Posts Tagged ‘R/W/VW’

Right, Wrong, Very Wrong

Posted: January 27, 2009 by kaostheory in Advice
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InĀ  our daily lives, each and every one of us has multiple opportunities to respond to various statements. It is up to us, then, to determine how we handle those particular moments. DECF is here to help you out with some guidelines to aid true positive discourse. Let these help you in times of trouble.

Statement: “Do these pants make my ass look fat?”
Right Answer: “Of course not, sweetie. You look fantastic in those as you do in everything.”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all in proportion anyways.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Hon, that’s not physically possible. ”
——
Statement: “Hey, could you hold this for me for a second?”
Right Answer: “Sure, I’d love to.”
Wrong Answer: “Only if you don’t want it back.”
Very Wrong Answer: “But I have my hands full with my own!”
——
Statement: “Can I get your number?”
Right Answer: “Alright it’s…” or “Sorry, I’m afraid not.”
Wrong Answer: “*insert one of thousands of crappy, lame turn-down lines that give girls estrogrenrections*”
Very Wrong Answer: “Sorry, last time I tried that, I got raped. Repeatedly.”
——
Statement: “So your girlfriend woke me up last night by being loud…”
Right Answer: “Oh, I apologize. We’ll try to keep it down next time.”
Wrong Answer: “And? It’s better than porn.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Well yeah. That’s because she had my dick inside her.”
——
Statement: “Oh my God! You hit my dog!”
Right Answer: “I am so sorry! Is there anything I can do?”
Wrong Answer: “It’s in a better place now, at least looking at your yard.”
Very Wrong Answer: “No, YOUR dog hit MY bumper.”
——
Statement: “Wow…she’s pretty cute. Should I go for it?”
Right Answer: “Go for it. I’ll wingman for you.”
Wrong Answer: “Sure. I mean, why not play Russian Roulette with your crotch?”
Very Wrong Answer: “Daddy issues. Likes her hair pulled. Will try it in the butt if she’s drunk. Uses too much teeth during oral. Oh yeah. And she had an ortion-abay when she was ixteen-say.”
——
Statement: “She came over last night and gave me a hand with my homework.”
Right Answer: “That was nice of her. Did you get a lot accomplished?”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah, I bet she gave you a hand!”
Very Wrong Answer: “Came over what?”
——
Statement: “Do you want to go down to the liquor store with me?”
Right Answer: “Sure. I need to pick up a six-pack for the weekend anyways.”
Wrong Answer: “I’d rather go down in the liquor store on you.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Welllll…I arreddy hadda fiffththhth of Jack but Ikin drive! Gimme keys!”
——
Statement: “Did you get my text?”
Right Answer: “Yes, I did.” or “No, I’m afraid not.”
Wrong Answer: “Yis i dd!” or “no…m fraid no…resnd plzkthx”
Very Wrong Answer: “Yes, I did. And I must say I don’t appreciate being called a dirty filthy cockwhore. We’ll discuss this at home. ~Dad.”
——
Statement: “So what did you eat for breakfast?”
Right Answer: “I don’t usually eat breakfast.” or “*list contents of breakfast*”
Wrong Answer: “Maybe you should ask my girlfriend.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Oh, you know. Just some Cindy bacon from my freezer. Nothing much. Oh, and eggs.”
——
Statement: “That’s how you get ahead!”
Right Answer: “Interesting. I’ll make a note of that.”
Wrong Answer: “Hahahaha. Head.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Wait? What? I thought that required an AMEX black card and Grey Goose.”
——
Statement: “She’s really on top of it today.”
Right Answer: “She is. She’s a real go-getter.”
Wrong Answer: “Only today, huh?”
Very Wrong Answer: “If by it, you mean our professor and by on top you mean riding like a roller coaster, then yes, I do believe she is.”
——
Statement: “What time do you need to get up?”
Right Answer: “Probably around 7:30 or 8. It’s a full day tomorrow.”
Wrong Answer: “None of your fucking business, nosy.”
Very Wrong Answer: “If I’m not outside by noon, come and check my room. My rum-soaked corpse will thank you from the funeral home.”
——
Statement: “Ugh, I was so busy today.”
Right Answer: “I feel you there. I’m exhausted.”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah, your knees must be hurting, huh?”
Very Wrong Answer: “Me too. I swear to God, you slap one special kid to teach him a lesson, you will never hear the end of it from the other teachers. Hypocrites.”
——
Statement: “What do you want to do?”
Right Answer: “I don’t know. We have a lot of options right now.”
Wrong Answer: “Drink, gamble, porn, rinse, repeat.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Your mom. Oh wait. Already did.”
——
Statement: “I’m pregnant.”
Right Answer: “That’s wonderful news, honey!”
Wrong Answer: “*openly weeping into your dinner*”
Very Wrong Answer: “Is it mine?”

We hope these have helped you! We here at DECF believe that our children are our future and can safely say that our future sucks.