Posts Tagged ‘Rupert’

A while back, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food brought you the weirdest/sickest/funniest as hell search results that led all manner of perverts, weirdos, freaks and recovering alcoholics to our fine, fine website. It was wonderful or at least not terrible. Well, since we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel dry at this point, we’ve decided to bring you a second edition! This time we have even more effed-up searching for you to feast your eyeballs on. So, let’s do this shit.

(Really? No built-up intro? No insulting our readers or their families? No vulgar jokes about Rosie O’Donnell’s labia? – ed?)

I’m a professional, Ed. And as a professional, I find offense in your implications that would act any way otherwise.

(Seriously though. This is a joke right? You’re going to say something awful as soon as I stop paying attention right? – ed.)

I don’t intend to, no.

(Well…alright. I suppose I can believe you. That’s great. It’s nice to seeing you take your job seriously for once. – ed.)

May I continue with my article now, Ed?

(Oh. Oh yeah. By all means, go ahead. – ed.)

Alright. Let’s get this spankrag rolling!

(WHAT? – ed.)

“kama sutra edward cullen”: Oh my God. Those two things should never be in the same sentence, let ALONE the same web search. I’m going to place a bet that this is Stephenie Meyer looking for people who want to have sex with her fauxpire so she can frig herself silly and cry over her lack of talent. Am I wrong here?

“”mass effect” ball gag”: I…jigga what? This is both a terrifying concept and something that I…um…kinda want to use to exploit nerds. I’ll be…back.

“something to masturbate to”: Clearly this person has no personal standards. Either that or he’s REALLY horny. I can picture it now. “Damnit! I don’t care what it is but I want to jack off to SOMETHING. Help me, Internet. I literally don’t care what it is.” *shiver*

“pissy on balloons”:This one is more confusing than anything. Are they trying to find someone who is urinating on balloons or are they trying to find someone who going ballistic and hates balloons more than anything in the world? Is it…both?

“children only buy cereals for the prize”: Well, that and the pound and a half of refined sugar pumped in all those cereals, yeah.

“dan eats video games”: WHOA! Whoa. No. No. We only are going to make him consume cat food. Not shove an N64 cartridge down his gullet. You sick bastard. Unless of course he chooses that option. I don’t think he will though.

“+alexander from virginia, brendon from n”: I think we may have gotten our wires crossed here just a little bit. You’re looking for “WHO THE EFF KNOWS”.

“spankwire green haired and hung” AND “green haired and hung spankwire”: Oh holy crap. We may actually be a leading search result for this potential porn video. I’m not sure to be ashamed of that or proud of it. Probably neither.

“what to do when you dont have a spare ti”: A ti-what? A TI-WHAT? Tire? Tiger? TIED-UP HOOKER IN YOUR BASEMENT?

“agony anguish penelope 1”: I have a strong feeling that this is an area of the Internet we don’t want to spend a whole hell of a lot of time in.

“safe to cat food human doctor”: If you’re asking if it is safe to turn a human doctor into cat food, I wouldn’t recommend it. That technically is murder.

“getting married while in college”: GOOD LUCK, FUCKER!

“scat food move”: Um. Not sure what this is…not sure I want to know.

“why do kids put barbies in inappropriate”: I assume you’re asking why kids shove Barbies up their nether regions right? Well, it’s called experimentation and it’s a vital part of exploring their sexuality. In a way, you know that your kids are growing up. You should be proud.

“st. rupert’s day”: Now this is just a joke, right? Rupert’s a mildly retarded drunk, not a saint. If anything, he’s a Panther. (ba-dum-tisch NFL joke).

“cops sanandreas cat farts”: The…fuck? I’m not sure any of those search terms have any business being involved with each other. It’s like a confusing gangbang of ideals.

“when does a puppy male eats cat food”: Whens his owneer typess lke a fugin RETARD!

“rough masturbation porn”: Ouch. Sandpaper is a bad touch thing.

“underage daugther eat scat”: I hesitate to even put this out there but you all deserve to see what sick fucks there are on the Internet. THIS is who keeps you company. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Seriously though, I hope this guy gets castrated by a runaway car.

“do felonies follow you when you move?”: Gawrsh. I dunno, Mickey. Why don’t we ask Mr. Policeman over here? Hi, Mr. Policeman! “Hi, Goofy. What can I do for you?” Me and Mickey here wanted ta know if felonies you commit follow you when you move from town to town? “Well, that’s a complicated question, Goofy, full of complicated answers. The basic answer though is…Jesus, don’t be a fucking retard. Of course they damn well follow you. You’re a criminal, you stupid asshole. Moving towns isn’t going to fucking matter. Extradition, bitch. Fuck your stupid ass.” Gawrsh! Thanks, Mr. Policeman! Did that help?

“why don’t old people die?”: Because they’re Terminators, sent from the future to kill John Connor.

“man rape cat”: Yet another one I don’t really want to know about.

“lsd welding anal beads”: I may be totally off-base here but I don’t think that whoever is searching this phrase really NEEDS any more LSD. If you’re including that with WELDING and ANAL BEADS, you’re either in for a wild weekend or are about to go into an extended stay in a federal penitentiary.

“hw to make your penise longer”: Youe mighte wante toe trye surgicale enhancemente ore evene Enzytee ore ae similare druge. Beste ofe lucke withe youre tinye dicke.

“kissher”: Kissher? Did you mean KOSHER? And why the hell would we be talking about anything kosher on this site? Cat food, man!

“rejected shotgun theme”: I really REALLY want to know what the theme was now.

“free porn feet scat”: I would make a really tasteless joke about a mud bath right now but…ew. I just grossed myself out. Ew. Ew. Ew.

“don’t worry i r jeez cat”: don’t worry i r not i can haz cheezburger site u stoopid fcker.

“loving owner rejected by cat”: Ah ha. Ahhahah. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. NICE one! Owned by a cat. Amazing.

And finally, we have this:

“pedophilia academia”: It sounds either like a Japanese hentai or a coming-of-age school-based Disney program. I’d kinda love it if it was both.’
And there you have it. Some of the worst, most depraved stuff that the Internet has to offer leads people right to this site. I feel like I need to go take a shower now. You probably do too. Frankly, I wouldn’t blame you.


(DAMN IT! – ed.)

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

OK, so I found this old TV show Max Headroom on The Pirate Bay. It has that real skinny bastard from Dawn of the Dead and Watchmen in it. You know, that guy who played Muloch?  Well, anyway, it seemed like a good way to avoid real work. OK, OK, it’s St Patrick’s Day and they won’t let me into any of the bars.  Apparently they read about my exploits last year and decided “they didn’t want to deal with any of that.”  I can’t help being the way God made me.  And I hope that mick bastard got banned too.  Anyway, I found Max Headroom on The Pirate Bay. It features 80s video graphics and a man who stutters.  Sounds like the perfect thing to drink to!  Luckily, I have some Heineken left as well as some Guinness.  What?  It would hardly be St. Patrick’s Day without it.  Anyway, let’s begin.

1 min-Why I am watching TV static? I know there are credits over it, but seriously, what gives?  I could just not pay my cable bill again if I wanted to watch that.

5 min-This film looks bad.  Like someone’s YouTube channel.  I mean the film it was shot on and stuff.  And this was considered cool in the 80s?  Fuck you 80s.  I’m having another Guinness.

12 min-OK, so they want to condense commercials into three seconds.  Good for them?  I wish I could drink beer in three seconds.  That would free up a lot of time.

18 min-Haha-Fattie go boom!  Hahaha.

(editor’s note-Rupert is referring to a seen in which an advertisement does, in fact, cause a man to spontaneously combust.  It is quite graphic.  Rupert has apparently lost all human decency.  We at Dan Eats Cat Food blame the Guinness.)

23 min-Oh, I see.  Max Headroom.  Like that sign in Parking Garages.  Max…Headroom.  Screw it, I’m having another drink.

31 minutes-Why is that man not wearing underwear?  He needs to be wearing underwear.  I like to say that word for some reason.  It’s funny.  But man ass is not funny.

40 min-Oh my God, what is that thing?  It has no soul.  It has no soul!  It wants to steal my dreams!  Stop Stuttering!

45-So…this…thingie…stutter thingie…gets his own show for saying random shit?  Why can’t I have…own…oh look, pretty lights!

56 min-Blargh!

(editor’s note-it this point, Rupert relieved himself on his computer chair and started to take a nap.  He woke up later to swear at a random Irish man that only he could see.)

Rupert the Drunk Watches Eraserhead

Posted: February 27, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

The Adventures of Rupert the Drunk
Today, Rupert the Drunk attempts to watch David Lynch’s 1977 film Eraserhead
1 min-Hey everyone.  Well, I got this random movie from Netflix. Something called Erasherhead.  Probably will be good for a laugh.  I’m also feeling mixed drinks tonight.  So, let’s see how this goes.

5 min-  Ok…what in God’s name is going on here?  So far there’s this guy with the worst haircut I’ve ever seen.  Luckily my talent for appletinis still remains strong.

12 min-Hooray, people are finally talking.  Wait, what?  This is weird.

20-Cut them up like real chickens?  Hahahahaha.  Oh boy, maybe I should take it easy.

Editor’s note:  At this point, possibly due to the insanity of the film or merely due to the exhorbitent amount of mixed drinks, Rupert became obsessed with finding a wood nymph he was convinced was living under his TV stand.

33 min-Goddammit you bastard.  I’m going to find you.  Then you will take me to Glomptor the head nymph and give me my gold.

45- You know…that is one ugly child.  Really, really, ugly child.  Jesus Christ!  Why does the child look so ugly?

1  hour-So, wife gone…woman with cheeks.  Cheeks!  Who made this movie?  They need help.

1 hour 15 minutes-I need another drink.  Can I drink everytime I see something that doesn’t make sense?

Editor’s note: At this point, thinking he was watching a different David Lynch movie, Rupert mimes a performance of the classic Roy Orbison song “In Dreams.”

1 hour 30 minutes-In Dre-he-eams, you’re mine….all something…behind…We’re together…

1 hour 45 minutes-Blaaaaarg!!!!
Editor’s Note: Here, Rupert abandoned his quest to continue his search for Glomptor the Head Nymph and hopefully gain access to the wood nymph treasury.