Posts Tagged ‘Rock’

Your Metal Baby

Posted: August 20, 2011 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , , ,

Children are terrifying, let us come to that agreement right now. They’re little and fragile and as a parent, you would be in charge of forming their minds and bending them to your will, which sounds pretty awesome but also requires financial and time investments that…well…are just inconveniences, especially right now. Worse yet, their taste in music is pure boring pablum. Raffi. Barney. Um…Cher. Other one-name monstrosities that treat music not as an art form so much as a money-swollen cow, heavy with cash, that they can milk directly into their bank accounts. Boring, basic chord structures and lyrics that wouldn’t offend the most sensitive pussy liberal politician or over-paranoid Nancy Grace histrionic.

The point is that you need to, as a reasonable and presumably awesome future parent, take steps to create and recognize the innate potential of embryos to become hard-rocking babies. Thus, we’ll show you what to do to make and then understand Your Metal Baby.

First, let’s get going with conception. Barry White? Absolutely not. Sting? Hell no. Marvin Gaye? Your kid is…gay…e. No, if you want a truly metal baby to immediate start gestating, you have to do the do to a little Metallica, mixing in some Megadeth for a little ironic fuckin’. Get that sperm nice and jacked up.

Okay, so your badass spermatozoa managed to infiltrate her Castle Eggcell and now you have a kid growing in your lady’s body. Set aside the fact that SOMETHING IS GROWING INSIDE A HUMAN BEING HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT ABOUT for a moment and understand that you now have some obligations. First and foremost, the belly music thing. In some studies, babies growing in the womb are positively influenced by headphones playing classical music against the belly. Something about the music makes them smarter. Well you know what to do, right? Blast metal through the headphones instead. Instead of Bach, Skid Row. Instead of Mozart, Slayer. You get the picture. Make that baby well-versed in the entire catalog of the metal industry before he (we’re just going with the assumption that the child will be male, otherwise much of this article gets really weird…well, weirdER) even is outside his mother.

Now it’s time to birth this little parasite. Some parents want nice soothing music to accompany the birth. That way, the mother will be more relaxed and ready for her spawn to burst forth from her vagina like a little flesh-colored James Cameron-style Alien. The metal baby, however, must necessarily come out to Iron Maiden. We would suggest “Children of the Damned” or even “Be Quick or Be Dead” if you want the baby to have an ironic welcoming song.

Your first sign that your child is how you want him is very simple and easy to tell. He will be pulled out throwing the horns. Not just his little fingers curling involuntarily. We’re talking horns up, thumb folded under, and his wrist moving it forward and back. Real horns.

Oh yeah. And if your kid is SUPER-metal, he will be born with a goatee like a tiny, adorable Scott Ian from Anthrax.

Naturally, with the horns and the goatee as well as frequent headbanging, family members and nosy concerned strangers who should mind their own fucking business will be concerned that your metal baby has had some problems while in the womb. They may worry that he has cystic fibrosis or something like that. Never fear. All you do is tell them that your baby contracted a case of Fetal Alcohol Awesomeness and that you’re working through it as a family. Then headbutt them to the ground and roar in their face.

Of course, your metal baby still has to eat and solid food just isn’t possible, although he’ll assuredly still try to gum a steak if you put it in front of him. Normally, milk from the mother will be just fine for the little rocker, but sometimes she’s just not around or is showering or sleeping or crying softly in the corner about how her life is over now that she’s had a kid and is feeling unattractive. What to do? Easy. Bottle-feed him whiskey. The essential nutrients in a bottle of Jack Daniels’ will prepare your child for the real world and the alcohol will relax him and allow him to sleep through the night, giving you time to jack off in the backyard since the mom still probably won’t want to have sex or give you a blowie.

Your child will want attention and you may not be there to immediately see that he desires such. He will make noise but he won’t make the noise that you expect of him. If your kid is a metal baby, he doesn’t scream – he falsettos. You’ll have your own little Robert Plant to entertain you.

Eventually, your child will learn how to speak. Yes, yes, ‘mama’ and ‘dada’ will be there because those are the first syllables children figure out. Those barely count. No, if you played your cards right and did your job, your child’s first word will be ‘amp’. And even better, his first phrase will be ‘I am Iron Man’.

This comes more down to luck than anything, but he may be able to think outside the box and do math (when it reaches that point) in a Base 11 system because Base 10 is too low and he wants to go one more. Because Spinal Tap.

Finally, as your metal baby sleeps peacefully in his crib, curled up in a vintage Def Leppard t-shirt, hook up a stereo system with a lot of speakers and play ‘Rock You Like A Hurricane’ all night. The pure power of beautiful metal in that song will comfort him if he wakes and will give you a chance to get the mother of your child drunk and maybe horny enough for a quick 1-2-3 in the laundry room. That way, everyone is happy. Well, except the neighbors, especially if they live in an apartment but fuck them. They can have their tapas and Neutral Milk Hotel and organic faux-leather Birkenstocks to go with their vegan-friendly, West Coast stoner-slash-East Coast progressive baby daughter with large fake black glasses and dyed hair. Your metal baby is gonna be fuckin’ that hippie baby in about sixteen years. COUNT on it.

Basically, what we’re saying here is to make your child as awesome as possible as early as possible. That way, the awesome will drip off of him his entire life. Unless, of course, he rebels as a teenager and becomes really into 90s pop music but…come on. Since when do kids ever rebel?

Dan Eats Cat Food Rocks Out With Scorpions

Posted: July 11, 2010 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , ,

Because we are a giving organization – and basically fold like a wussy gambler when it comes to any kind of pressure, we were “convinced” by KaosTheory to let him offer a special “Rock Out Report”, as he called it, after his concert that he went to. Since we have no real ideas left in the tank, we figured we might as well let him write something he wants to instead of having to deal with him crying and complaining and literally pissing in some random corner of our office that we won’t be able to find until the entire third floor is saturated with reek. So…we guess, enjoy this.
Woo. I have free reign to write what I want now! And what I WANT to write is ROCK. Specifically, ROCK from the concert I saw last night with Ratt and Scorpions. So let’s do this bitch.

Thoughts from dinner and preshow:
– It is best that Superfly and I did not sit at the bar in Rippy’s. The bartender was about 5’8″, brunette pageboy hair cut, tan, hot and had tits like two halves of canteloupe. We never would have left. We would have had drinks until we passed out. Jeesh.
– Cowboy hats are simply not metal. It doesn’t matter if Bret Michaels wears one. Once you get the amount of tail he gets, you can wear one and be metal.
– Superfly and I were skinnier than 85% of the attendees. This was both cool and depressing.
– Rednecks should not be allowed to create their children’s hairstyles. A forward mullet with white blonde hair is not a good look for a five year old.
– I would be interested to know why Asian dudes tend to be so damn spindly.
– Superfly tends to strike out when it comes to not sitting next to massively obese women.
– Ladies with lots of meat on your bones: sometimes a tanktop is a poor fashion choice. Sometimes backne needs to be covered.
– I swear on all that is holy that if I go to another amazing concert and some raging shithole in front of me spends most of it kissing and snuggling his girlfriend who clearly doesn’t want to be there or do stuff with him, I will kick the fucker in the head until his eyes roll back so I can see only the whites. There is a time and a place to be cutesy. A fucking legendary rock concert is not it. At varying points, I was willing to risk jail just to murder the bastard. And I can’t go to jail. I’m too pretty.

Thoughts on Ratt:
– Gotta say this. They rocked it. They really did.
– Ratt works a lot better as an opener than as a headliner band, I think. It may have been different back in the day but…
– Also, nobody really knows Ratt lyrics. They had some really fun songs but nobody really KNOWS them enough to sing along with them.
– It’s really sobering to hear the singer apologizing for not jumping around because he doesn’t want to bust his stitches. Stephen Pearcy, you still have the voice. Just…don’t remind us that you’re old.
– For all the restlessness the audience had going into the last ten minutes of Ratt’s hourlong set, Round and Round kicked the SHIT. Man. The energy level in the building just spiked as everyone sang along. It was pretty damn awesome.

Thoughts on Scorpions:
– First off, holy shit.
– Seriously. Holy shit.
– It’s going to take a LOT for any concert to be more pure awesome than this one was.
– Everything was about perfect about it, save Asshole McCuddles mentioned earlier.
– Call this a major damn check mark for my Rock Bucket List.
– These guys in their sixties can rock harder than ANY bands currently performing. I am fully in belief of that.
– This is how rock is SUPPOSED to be.
– Both my voice and ears and Superfly’s voice and ears were shot. Like we’re going to wear earplugs for freakin’ Scorpions. Yeah. Sure.
– Not even kidding. Holy shit.

Okay, let’s go through the set list with notes on all of those, huh?

Sting In The Tail – As soon as the lights went down, the arena erupted in cheers. They got almost deafening when the lights flared on and Scorpions took the stage. While this wouldn’t have been my first choice for an opener (that would be Blood Too Hot from Unbreakable), they rocked this enough that everyone was going nuts. We all stood up when they came on. We didn’t sit down again.

Make It Real – This was a great followup song. Everyone knew it so we sang along (which would continue for most of the concert). The stage also had an extended runway and ministage in front of it. Every time the chorus came along, Rudolf Schenker made sure to charge up the runway and play in the middle of the crowd on the ministage.

Bad Boys Running Wild – This surprised me a bit. This is definitely one of their fun songs but the crowd was crazy for it. I did get all caught up in it which was awesome, though. I can still buy that these bad boys can run wild, that’s for sure.

The Zoo – One of my favorite Scorpions songs to begin with, they rocked the hell out of this. The awesome vid screens they had behind the stage were flashing red and black bars with “THE ZOO” occasionally, not to mention the women in cages clawing and writhing. Yes. You read that right. Great song though.

Coast To Coast – Man, this one was awesome. This is an instrumental, which gave Klaus Meine a break for his voice, which by the way is still as high and amazing as it was at the beginning of his career. But there’s this one chord shift by the guitars in this song that I already love but…goosebumps. Legit goosebumps. Everyone felt that too because it got a nice big reaction.

Loving You Sunday Morning – I haven’t heard this song a whole lot. It’s not my favorite of theirs, but in concert and with a large, excited crowd around us, it was great. Very pretty, very fun. Not a whole lot more to say for this one. It was a bit of a shame that I didn’t know it well enough to sing along.

The Best Is Yet To Come – Wow. Just wow. This song is ALREADY emotional due to the context – being the last song of their last CD ever and talking about how the future is still wonderful even though they won’t be there as a group anymore. It just increased tenfold when you have an entire arena near tears at this legendary group retiring. The “hey-a hey-o” ECHOED throughout the arena. Echoed. Every single person in there was singing that at the top of their lungs. I got all verklempt. Not even going to lie. It wasn’t the toughest emotional though, even with that.

Send Me An Angel – THIS one was. Holy damn. They all came out and did this acoustically on the ministage which would have been tough as it was. However, they did it as a tribute to Ronnie James Dio. It’s a gorgeous song anyways. I may have shed a tear or two. That and thrown up massive horns both for Scorpions and for the dearly departed God of Rock.

Holiday – Man. Now this one was a good one. For those who don’t know this song, it starts off nice and slow until it hits a little long, stretched out bridge then comes exploding in in legit hard rock. It’s one of the most awesome parts in music ever. They…just wow. Meine stretched the little bridge out and let the crowd sing along. After a minute or two, they went silent to let the crowd echo around them. Then when “Longing for the sun” part came in, there was a massive drum entrance to rip into the rock. It was amazing. Legit rockbumps on my arms.

Raised on Rock -Transitioning from Holiday would have been tough for anyone. Not for these boys though. Meine yelled and I quote “I don’t know about you, Nashville, but we were RAISED ON ROCK!” which for anyone else it would be cheesy. Not this time though. It was just awesome. Crazy energy in the crowd. It’s like they ramped up the adrenaline.

Tease Me Please Me – Again, not one that I know. Sadly. It’s just not one I’ve listened to enough to really get the lyrics engrained in my head. It didn’t really matter though. Everyone sang along with it again which eventually managed to get me hooked into at least being able to do the chorus which was worth it enough.

Dynamite – Oh my God. Raised on Rock was insane. Holiday was insane. But this one? Dynamite? This had nothing less than absolute batshit energy. Nothing less. It was tough at times to even hear the vocals because of the pure rock in the place. Absolutely nuts. If you weren’t hyped up during or after this song, you had to – HAD TO – be fucking clinically dead. Seriously.

Kottak Attack – This was a fun little thing. This was done, I think, to give the Schenker, Jabs, Maciwoda and Meine a break from rocking out for a little while, so this was about a five, seven minute drum solo of a bunch of the different drum parts throughout their years of CDs. Kottak is freakin’ crazy but he was great. He played really well, chugged a beer, made sure that we knew that we kicked ass and stood on top of his drum kit which was, I may have neglected to mention, elevated on a platform a good ten feet above the stage. He definitely entertained.

Blackout – Because clearly the concert wasn’t awesome enough, after Kottak’s song, the drum set elevated even MORE and the rest of the group ran on from under the raised drum set. I mean, literally ran on stage from UNDER THE DRUM SET. I don’t think anything else needs to be said here.

Six String Sting – This ruled too. Matthias Jabs came out to the ministage and basically played for five minutes, soloing and trying to get different parts of the crowd to respond. It worked very well. Everyone was cheering by the time he was done. But he wasn’t done…

Big City Nights – He transitioned right into this one. It was awesome, although awesome isn’t really a word for it. As soon as he changed from the solo into the first chords of the song, the arena went berserk. EVERYONE sang along. Everyone. Old, young, middle-age, my age. Doesn’t matter. EVERYONE was belting along with this one. I didn’t think the energy could get any higher but it DID. This was insane. Once they finished – with Meine standing on the shoulders of Jabs and Schenker – they ran offstage and the stage was lit only in purple. That alone would have been a great end. But of course, it could not be the end.

Wind Of Change – They came back on after a couple tense minutes of waiting for an encore. Again, not a song I particularly know, but it’s very pretty, everyone sang, and it was a very socially important song, since it was played when the Berlin Wall came down. It was a pretty easy one to pick up too. It was great. I was a little sad because I thought they had skipped a song off their previous playlist. However, I was wrong.

No One Like You – This is the one I thought they skipped. They didn’t. Meine yelled into the mic “Thank you Nashville! There is NO ONE LIKE YOU!” which brought about a huge roar from the crowd, me included. The stage was all lit in blue but nobody seemed to even see the color. Everyone sang, everyone rocked, everyone cheers. It was fantastic.

Rock You Like A Hurricane – I mean, what the fuck can I even say? Biggest song of the night by FAR. If there were people not singing Big City Nights, they were sure as shit singing along with this one. Holy God. I still have rockbumps from this one. You cannot ask for a better closer. You can’t. Rock You Like A Hurricane is one of the few songs I would consider perfect in this world. Unbelieveable.

So that’s that. Scorpions basically blew Superfly and me out of the water. Nothing will be better than it. It was literally the best thing I’ve ever seen and I’ve been facefirst in TITS, so you know that means something.

Anyways, I’m going to sign off before Ed bitches at me. Deuces and rock, mothas.