Posts Tagged ‘Rage’

Dan Eats Cat Food Blogs The Oscars 2013

Posted: February 24, 2013 by kaostheory in Advice
Tags: ,

Forgive us for the length of time between articles. SOMEone decided that he had to finish and publish one of the finest books ever written. (Robocopter Ski Patrol, on sale next month through CreateSpace and Amazon – TELL YOUR FRIENDS) and thus this poor site has to take a hit. Never fear, though. We’re still going to continue the tradition we have of liveblogging the Oscars, even though this year is going to suck because of the host…and the pageantry…and, really everything. Why are we doing this again? Also, we’ll be getting drunk so this may go off the rails later on.
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7:03: I guess it’s time to do the red carpet. Why does Kristen Chenowith look like Gollum? She’s usually pretty hot. Maybe it’s the hairstyle. And Halle Berry is apparently channeling the 1980s. I have it on mute so I don’t really know.

7:05: Lord, Adele looks a lot like my ex. This is not a pleasant realization. Time for more goddamn beer! Wait. Great googly moogly, Stacy Keibler. Holy crap. Like a tall, super-sexy sequin.

7:07: What is it with the silver glittery look tonight? Not that it’s a bad one by any means but it’s strange to see such similarity. Unless, of course, we’re talking about Michael Bay movies OH THAT’S RIGHT I JUST WENT THERE.

7:08: So is there a procedure for if one of the vote guys gets taken out? Are the votes halved or…what? Commercial!

7:12: Hey, Anne Hathaway’s nipples. Not like a thousand jokes haven’t been made already. Still…good form, ladies.

7:14: On second thought, it looks like Chenowith’s weird look is because of anorexia. I’m seeing neck muscles that are never seen normally.

7:15: Not sure who the lovely lady is with Jamie Foxx (were I to unmute the TV, I may know) but DA-YUM.

7:16: So which character is Daniel Day-Lewis playing now? An Oscar-nommed actor? Good choice!

7:21: Neil Meron looks terrifying. Like…”I could buy and sell your life to whomever I wanted and you couldn’t do a dang thing about it” terrifying.

7:25: Queen Latifah TOWERS over Chenowith. Is she really that big or small, respectively?

7:28: Red Widow looks stupid as hell. There’s a reason I don’t watch ABC like…ever. Just a special level of crap-ass writing, I think.

7:30: Time to start. Let’s see how awful MacFarlane is. THANK YOU RDJ for not applauding! Love him more now.

7:32: Nice little burn on Ben Affleck there.

7:33: This kind of seems like a bad standup right now. He’s nervous. And reading cue cards.

7:34: Not going to lie. I really laughed at the Chris Brown joke.

7:36: What…in the hell…? Shatner as Capt. Kirk? This is…odd.

7:38: Also not going to lie…the “We Saw Your Boobs” song is actually pretty clever. I’m sadly a little impressed.

7:39: Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron out and dancing to MacFarlane singing. Interesting. They sure can dance though. Or have been trained in doing so at least. “The Way You Look Tonight”. Not a bad song at all.

7:41: Sock puppet thing not quite as funny. They can’t all winners. Which is also the theme of the night. Badumtisch.

7:42: Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt dancing – with really loud music. May need a little balance, orchestra.

7:45: Another weird sketch, this time with Sally Field. They are all over the place tonight.

7:47: They really need to fix the music balancing issue. It drowns out most of the vocals. Maybe that’s just on my end though.

7:48: Olivia whoever out now. Best Supporting Actor and the nominees are: Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, and Christoph Waltz. And the winner is…Christoph Waltz. I think that may have been a surprise but I absolutely love it. He was phenomenal in Django. One of my favorite Tarantino characters ever. Super classy of him to give his respect to the other nominees.

7:52: Commercial-time. ‘nother beer, barkeep!

7:55: Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd out on-stage now. Kind of a little awkward. Anyways. Best Short Film, Animated and the nominees are: Adam and Dog, Fresh Guacamole, Head Over Heels, Paperman, and The Simpsons: The Longest Daycare. And the winner is…Paperman. No big shocker there. It was absolutely beautiful. I saw it online and was blown away. I was calling either that or the Simpsons one, which was also very well done. You could see the joy on his face when he mentioned his wife. That was great.

7:59: Best Animated Feature and the nominees are: Brave, Frankenweenie, ParaNorman, The Pirates! Band of Misfits, and Wreck-It Ralph. And the winner is…Brave. Also no shocker here. And the dude is coming out in a kilt! Major props to him. I definitely respect the balls that takes.

8:00: Reese Witherspoon now. My brother must be popping one in his pants right now. Presenting the Les Mis Best Picture along with Life of Pi and Beasts of the Southern Wild. I never got to see Les Mis. I really wish I had. Mainly because just hearing the music even now is giving me the shivers. I absolutely adore that musical. The other two are…meh-looking.

8:05: Even HE was a little ashamed about the crack on Clooney. Hahaha. Bringing out The Avengers cast now. Fantastic. No ScarJo though, which is a little surprising. What are they presenting? They are ripping badly on Jackson and Downey. Love it. Best Cinematography and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting choice. The guy looks like an aging hair metal star. He also may be high.

8:08: The Avengers still on-stage. Love it. Best Visual Effects and the nominees are: The Avengers, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Life of Pi, Prometheus, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Man. That’s doing really well. It must be an absolutely beautiful movie, I suppose. Had to be better than The Hulk for Ang Lee. The guy really should have shut the fuck up earlier on though. Man.

8:12: Commercial. Whew. My fingers are getting a workout.

8:16: Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston. She looks stunning in the red dress. Still hot, even at 40 something. I think she just implied that she did Brazilian. Best Costume Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Les Misérables, Lincoln, Mirror Mirror, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Anna Karenina. Good on her. It must have been a lot of work since, you know, Russian royalty times. She made up for the over-run though. Short and to the point. Good for her.

8:19: Any of these would be awesome. Best Makeup and Hairstyling and the nominees are: Hitchcock, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and Les Misérables. And the winner is…Les Miserables. It makes a lot of sense. French Revolution and all that tends to be pretty in-depth. Oh, that’s her scarf! I thought she was wearing a jacket because she was cold. I guess I just don’t understand fashion.

8:21: Halle Berry out to the Bond music for the 50 Years of Bond tribute. Fifty years. That is INCREDIBLE. It’s even more incredible if you’ve never seen one of them. This tribute is freaking slick though. It just reminds me of how much I love the entire franchise.

8:25: Who is this? Oh, Shirley Bassey! It’s the woman who sang Goldfinger. She still has her pipes though. WOW. She started out a little rough but CRUSHED it. Commercials!

8:31: Just recognizing the producers and director. Cool. Next up, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx. Very nice. She’s looking beautiful. Best Short Film, Live Action and the nominees are: Asad, Buzkashi Boys, Curfew, Death of a Shadow, and Henry. And the winner is…Curfew. I knew nothing about any of these but that one looked suitably ominous in the fifteen seconds or so of footage they showed here. Nice, quick, and classy. I like that guy.

8:35: Best Documentary, Short Subject and the nominees are: Inocente, Kings Point, Mondays at Racine, Open Heart, and Redemption. And the winner is…Innocente. Again, I know nothing about it but it sounded foreign so I was taking a shot that it might win? Maybe? Annnnnd the guy goes a little political. Okay.

8:37: Liam Neeson! I love this man. He is such a badass. He wins everything. All the awards. More Best Picture recaps. Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty. Of course Neeson did the political/thriller ones.

8:41: WOW. I really love that Booth joke – “the actor that got the most inside Lincoln’s head was Booth”. It’s so wrong but I love it. I also approve of playing off the teleprompter ad lib. Also an amazing woman joke – “the innate ability of women to never let anything go”. Love it.

8:43: Affleck up on stage now. He definitely didn’t seem to like the jokes at his expense. Best Documentary, Feature and the nominees are: 5 Broken Cameras, The Gatekeepers, How to Survive a Plague, The Invisible War, and Searching for Sugar Man. And the winner is…Searching for Sugar Man. I’m actually a bit surprised. I would have thought that the AIDS one would win. Because AIDS ALWAYS wins. Both at the Oscars and in real life.

8:46: Commercial time.

8:48: Local commercials, are always so freaking bad.

8:49: Now up we have Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain. Gotta love me some redhead. Wow. Not going to be a whole lot of humor with these two though. Best Foreign Language Film and the nominees are: Amour, War Witch, No, A Royal Affair, and Kon-Tiki. And the winner is…Amour. Oh gee, I wonder who would have not expected that one since it’s up for an actual Best Feature award. Come on. Take away the drama, huh? I kind of wish that Haneke would Funny Games his speech. That would be be awesome and terrifying.

8:52: Good on the orchestra but they are so freaking loud to the point where they are drowning out people.

8:53: John Travolta. Interesting choice. No Vic Vega hair. Sadly. Now a celebration of movie musicals. This could be pretty awesome. Ah, Chicago. I actually like it a lot more than I did in high school. I also think I may have hated it because the show choir was so fucking obsessed with it. Oh man. Catherine Zeta-Jones. I hate Michael Douglas just…on principle. Now Dreamgirls, apparently. Jennifer Hudson – also hot with a great voice, but in a different way from CZJ. Just as good though. Aww, it’s the original song from Les Mis. Sad. I was hoping for One Day More. WAIT! IT IS ONE DAY MORE! GOOSEBUMPS. The dude playing Marius sounds like a frog, though. Anyways, hit it, Enjolras! Good. God. Fuck. Yes. That was incredible.

9:05: Commercial and I kind of need it.

9:08: Now up we have Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana. She’s fine as fine can be as always. Ah yeah, it’s the Sci/Tech Awards recognition. I totally respect that. They deserve an incredible amount of respect. Not just as “nerds”, James Franco, you stoner asshole.

9:10: Awesome, Mark Wahlberg is out…the Ted thing is a little weird though. Is that CGI? I think that’s incredible actually. Best Sound Mixing and the nominees are: Argo, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Les Miserables. Awesome. I really think I need to see it now. Markie Mark looked a little pissed to be out there with CGI though.

9:13: Best Sound Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Skyfall, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…A TIE?! Has that ever happened?! Zero Dark Thirty (the guy kind of sounds like he’s high but maybe he’s just Scandanavian) and SKyfall. That was pretty deserved too. They both were, actually, I assume. I’m also a little biased towards Skyfall but hell, an Oscar is an Oscar. Is there a requirement for sound guys to have long flowing locks?

9:18: Who’s up next? This could be bad…and is absolutely seeming that way. Yep. Awful, awful bit. Awful. Anyways, Christopher Plummer is out now. Legend in the house. He’s got the shakes a little. That’s troubling. Best Supporting Actress and the nominees are: Amy Adams, Sally Field, Anne Hathaway, Helen Hunt, and Jacki Weaver. And the winner is…Anne Hathaway. I’m not joking that I typed her name in without bothering to check the others. That was about as much of a gimmie as there was tonight. Good on her and her erect nipples. I mean, singing voice. Common mistake, that.

9:24: Commercial time. Beer time. I’m feeling the wearing down now.

9:29: Academy President. He looks almost exactly what I would have expected him to look like. Wow. Academy Museum huh? That sounds pretty damn cool. I don’t really care about the college kids helping out though. Except for Jennifer. She is freaking SMOKIN’.

9:31: Next up is Sandra Bullock. She should be pretty funny. Maybe? Best Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Never saw it but I heard it was amazing. Hey, a guy without massively long hair! Short and silver. Classy.

9:34: Jennifer Lawrence is out with a massive freaking dress. Performing is Adele. It’s a decent song but I really don’t want to look at her. Not because she’s not beautiful but…yeah. Mentioned it earlier. I’m just going to listen instead. It’s a nice song and she does it beautifully but…anyways, more beer?

9:39: Commercials. And beer!

9:43: Nicole Kidman and her android face is out to talk about Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, and Amour. And Tarantino looks so displeased with her. But that’s kind of his default setting, I think.

9:47: Kristen Stewart and Daniel Radcliffe. One of a great franchise, one of the spawn of Satan. Still hot though. I’m pretty sure she’s super drunk though. But she was in Twilight, so who wouldn’t be? Best Production Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, and Lincoln. And the winner is…Lincoln. Interesting. That’s not what I was expecting. I’m not sure what I WAS but it wasn’t that. It looks really pretty though so…maybe I’m just wrong.

9:50: Salma Hayek on stage now, looking gorgeous. As always. Presenting the Governors Awards, whatever those are. Congrats to those guys though.

9:52: FUCK Michael Moore. That is all.

9:53: Commercials.

9:57: Clooney is out here now. Let’s see how smug he can get. Oh wait. In Memorium…never mind. I know Michael Clarke Duncan is on there. Ernest Borgnine was first. Sad. I miss that old dude already. Marvin Hamlish was the last one. Interesting. That’s not who I would have pegged there but God bless him. You could do better than Streisand as the singer though. She kind of looks like the Wicked Witch of the West if she was an albino. And yes, I know that this won’t be a popular opinion.

10:04: Fade to black and commercials.

10:05: 10th anniversary of Chicago. Wow. I didn’t know that. Bringing the cast out. All of them looking super as well. Best Original Score and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting. I kind of figured though. It had a more international feel to it when looking at those quick footage trailers. I’m sure it’s deserved though. Again, I wouldn’t know. I was kind of a lazy-ass this year when it came to movies.

10:12: This one is going to be no surprise either. Calling it right now. Gonna have to just listen to the screen again. The dress that Norah Jones is wearing is not flattering at all though. She’s a pretty lady. Not a lampshade. Anyways, I was saying. Best Original Song and the nominees are: Chasing Ice (“Before My Time”), Les Misérables (“Suddenly”), Life of Pi (“Pi’s Lullaby”), Skyfall (“Skyfall”), and Ted (“Everybody Needs a Best Friend”). And the winner is…Skyfall. To the surprise of nobody. It’s not even my favorite Bond song. Ah well.

10:18: Commercial time again. They’re hitting it about even fifteen minutes at this point.

10:22: Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron. Interesting combination. She is so much taller than him! And she looks super hot no matter what her hair length is. Good Lord. One of the prettiest women in the world. Best Adapted Screenplay and the nominees are: Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Silver Linings Playbook. And the winner is…Argo. Thank God. I was just hoping it wasn’t Kushner (Lincoln). I still loathe him for Angels in America, which killed my joy in theatre for three years.

10:25: Best Original Screenplay and the nominees are: Amour, Django Unchained, Flight, Moonrise Kingdom, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Django Unchained. REALLY. Wow, that is awesome! And we get to hear Tarantino talk! Man, I really love this award. He’s one of my heroes. Almost stunned Jamie Foxx into nothingness with his arrogance. Love Tarantino. SO much.

10:28: Commercials again.

10:30: ….what in the living hell was that Gray Poupon commercial? Did anyone else just see that?

10:32: Directing up next. Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas. Maybe she can keep her bitch mouth shut long enough to honor this category. Best Director and the nominees are: Michael Haneke, Ang Lee, David O. Russell, Steven Spielberg, and Benh Zeitlin. And the winner is…Ang Lee. That’s a shocker. The dude has come a long way from The Hulk, which was basically unforgivable. I’m sure he earned it though.

10:37: Commercials. Now we’re getting to the heavy hitters.

10:38: I don’t get that lingerie commercial but I don’t care. Yum.

10:40: Jean Dujardin on stage now. Just a cool dude. Please anyone but the kid. Best Actress and the nominees are: Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Emmanuelle Riva, Quvenzhané Wallis, and Naomi Watts. And the winner is…Jennifer Lawrence. Good. I’m really glad to hear that one. And she TRIPPED. Oh no. But that big-ass dress is what did it. She just seems like a fun person that happens to be a great actress, not the other way around.

10:45: Meryl Streep up now. Man. He was right about no introduction. Probably going to be Daniel Day-Lewis because, you know, method acting. Best Actor and the nominees are: Bradley Cooper, Daniel Day-Lewis, Hugh Jackman, Joaquin Phoenix, and Denzel Washington. And the winner is…Daniel Day-Lewis. Not a surprise. That guy goes so far into his role that he…he’s basically a chameleon in all the best ways. And he’s definitely just an ACTOR. Not someone who publicizes himself. But he does deadpan funny really well. I really like him.

10:51: Here we go. Big time. JACK NICHOLSON. Oh goddamnit. The fucking First Lady? Really? Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. They would never have done this with ANY other First Lady and she’s no fucking better. This actually upsets me. Keep entertainment and politics separate. Just shut the fuck up already. Best Picture and the nominees are: Amour, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Good on Ben Affleck and the entire cast on crew. It just got a little ruined letting the fucking First Lady announce it. God damn. At least the guy in the middle got a nice good laugh. He’s a pretty confident guy. I like him. Affleck is pretty manic right now. I’m thinking part nerves and part cocaine. Maybe 2/3 cocaine.

11:00: Ready for a proper goodnight and it was a decent show. Daniel Day-Lewis won the night by being freaking charming. The night was really spoiled by the First Lady. And of course it’s a singing closer with MacFarlane and Chenowith. I gotta give it to him. Seth MacFarlane did a pretty capable job. Certainly better than James fucking Franco.

Anyways, thanks for reading. We promise that something funnier will be coming up next! Time to drink more!

The Worst Online Dating Ad In The History of Dating

Posted: January 31, 2013 by kaostheory in Rants
Tags: , , ,

While we have covered the nightmarish morass known as online dating before, it appears that many have not understood the depths of insanity that it can provide. It seems that some of you do not truly grasp how depraved, soulless, and Lovecraftian it can be. Thus, we have resolved ourselves to creating out of the swirling blackness an example so dark, so evil, so terrifying…that it can only serve to illuminate the horror that is online dating. A word of warning, if we may. This projection is (God willing) not real, but it shall be constructed so that it appears as such. If you are offended by such a frank portrayal of madness, be warned. If you are offended by many of the stereotypes presented therein…go fuck yourself with a splintery Louisville Slugger. Thank you. We begin anon.
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xxxSeXXXiiBaBiii6969xxx

(insert picture of the most grotesque figure of ostensible womanhood your fevered mind can dredge up)

Yo., my name iZ jANNAlynne an i m 24 yrs yung and herrs a lil bout me, tha sexxxist bitch on tha whole dam block!!!!!!

i m righit now livin wit my ma and gma bcuz my exhusband is an ASSHOLE WHO CANT HANDLE A WOMMAN!!!

im goin thru a divroce right now bcuz my ASSHOLE ex beat me up alot and tried to kill me in June
he lockd me in a fridgerator and set it on fire but i made it thru with Gods grace and a halffull jar of mayo!!!

i got 4 kids who r my everything, they r my whole life n my world and you had better handle it
theyre names r Caidyn whose 7, Lexxxuss whose 5, T’Qua’Sia whose 4, an Joseph whos my pride n joy and is 2
funny story! Joseph won stop breastfeedin! he keeps pullin on ma tittles and tryin to get other girls titties too even tho i tell him that hes a bad boy for doing it but i cant stay mad athim becuase he is my pride an joy!!!!

fair warninr ! i m an pre op transexual so if u cant handle that, fuk right off!!! i havent felt lik a womman since i wuz a lil gurl so now that i got $$$$ comin in fromy my ASSSSSSHOLE ex for child support (only 2 are his LOL!!!) i kan finally be who i need 2 be!!!

im also tryin to lose 100 pounds bcuz i feel lik im 2 fat rite now an that the doctors tol me i hafta lose 100 pds bcuz they need ta oprate on me LOL!!!!

i m working on GED 2 bcuz i need 2 b educate 4 mi kids! kant let them grow up wit theyre mommy bein a MCD’s frier all theyre lives LOL LOL!!!
bcuz of that i also hat bad grammer n misspelld words bug me alot 2! u kan lern 2 typ rite if u tri!

4 stuff i lik 2 red, well i don lik 2 red it iz a waist of mi time! but the onlee things i DO read and luv SOOOOO much r Twilight an 50 Shads of Gray!!! edward an Christan are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot!!! y cant more men b lik them?! m i rite girls?!!!!???!?!? lol

i luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvvvvv Jersey Shore n Real Housewives tho! i luv seein the girls be so bad bitchez bcuz i m a bad bitch an can totally feel that!!!

wen will i find mi prince charming? i think bout dat all da time an how i kan find luve 4 him an how much i ned a daddy 4 mi kidz

i m a heavy smoker n i don care bout quittin it calms mi hert down and makes me feel guuuuuuuuuuud! LOL!!! alsao i m a pot smoker so if u dont lik dat den u r not tha man 4 me!!!

i love sex an luv doin sex wit guyz but i m not here 4 sex so dont message me if you want sex – thats disgusting

i m lookin for a man to do things my way. i m too indepdendent an opininated 2 jus go wit da flow so boyz u betta b ready 4 me LOL!!!!

i m a bad bitch so watch out wen u make me angry, i hold a grudge and kan yell alot so if u make me mad u better bring flowers LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

country gurl and muddin’ r sum words dat describ me – i luv bein in da cuntry an gettin dirty (if u no wut i mean ;););););))

first thing people noticed bout me is my hair extensions bcuz they r so pretty an look so real! den dey move 2 my beautiful ass and titties bcuz dey r beautiful! LOL! i m gnna miss my titties an all da free drinks!!! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

as far as religion goes, i m a atheist polytheist anarchocommunist Muslim i dont expect u 2 understand but u betta b respecful since its what i blieve!!!

ive been a freerange organic vegan for 4 years and my man better share that belief bcuz im raisin mi kids dat way 2 and i don want any meet in da house EVA!

i dont know why im here bcuz all men are ASSSSSSSSHOLES! an dey only wan 1 thing and that is sex and den they leav an u neva see them again

i like sniffing things to see if they smell like other things i kno its gross LOL!
i also lik 2 b bitten durin sex bcuz it makes me feel lik EDWARD is there wit me!!!

READ THIS SO U UNDERSTAN WHAT U R DEALIN WIT!!!!! IF U DON HAVE A JOB DAT PAYS BIIIIIIIIIGGGGGG $$$$$$$$$$$ AN U DONT LOOK FINE AS ALL HELL AND U GOT KIDS, STAY THA FUCK AWAY!!!! I AINT WANTIN TO PLAY WITH YOUR BROKE ASS!!!!

i hop u saw somethin u liked! hit me up an may-b u r mi next husband! 😉 😉 😉
——
That…I think my brain is actually bleeding. I feel moisture in my ears. There is a throbbing dead spot behind my eyes.

(You’ll get no arguments here. That was an abomination, you fucking animal. – ed.)

I’m going to go…do something else now. Something that doesn’t make me want to set fire to the rain and watch the whole world go up in a billowing flame heap.


I’m not exactly the kind of person that one would call “up to date” on trends. I don’t wear skinny jeans, listen to pop music, or understand the appeal of why the hell anyone would produce a movie detailing the life of a current pop star. The world doesn’t need more movies about Katy Perry or Justin Bieber or, God forbid it happen, Ke(dollar sign)ha. I actually include the “never happening” of that last one in my prayers every night. I do wonder about the title though. “Memoirs of a Drunken Whore” sounds pretty good. It doesn’t quite cover it though. Maybe “My ‘Music’Sounds Like A Seagull Being Strangled To Dubstep But I’ll Blow You In The Alley Behind Starbucks For A Mocha Latte And A Gram Of Coke So You May As Well Love Me”. That’s better.

Anyways, the reason I mention this is because I don’t understand one damn bit why that crapsack of mutilated paper pulp known as ’50 Shades of Grey’ is so damn popular. All I DO know is that its existence and popularity means I get to write a follow-up piece to the wildly successful (well, relatively) article about Twilight. It’s the Golden Age of mockery and sarcasm, I tell you what. Regardless of how great things are as a comedy writer, I could always use some extra cash to line my pockets with pornography, alcohol, and bootleg Joss Whedon DVDs. Thus, I am resolved to write chick porn using 50 Shades of Shit…I mean, Grey…as a barometer. And as a bonus? I’ll explain to YOU how to do it too.
——
First, as in last time, murder any thoughts you have about being a respectable or even literate writer. You aren’t going to be writing for the elite, the well-read, the academics. You are barely going to be writing for middle schoolers reading at a college level. You are writing for lonely, bored, horny housewives, teenagers, and bored talk show hosts. Having it have a legitimate, engrossing plot is kind of like adding parsley, fine china, and a glass of wine to spice up the presentation of a steaming horse dump. Focus more of your time on how you can use the medium to create the most filthy, degrading situation possible while still maintaining a semblance of respectability. Think “upgraded fan fiction” because, let’s face it, that 50 Shades garbage is literally that. It can’t hurt to be a fan fic writer either. Anyone who writes that has a throbbing tumor called “I hate literature” inside their heart and uses it to crap out “ships” of any potential character pairings under the sun. Don’t get me started on fan fic.

Next, decide what you want your main characters to do. Oh. That’s right. You want them to fuck. The rest is just gravy. Cool. Check that off.

After that, figure out what your characters are named. If you’re writing chick porn, this will take up a solid 80% of your work time on the “book”. You can’t name them something like Amy Jones and John Smith. Those are boring names, names of IRS agents and middle management candidates. Likewise, you can’t use names like Jagatha Messy and Hondo Awesome. Nobody is going to take you seriously (let’s be honest, they won’t anyways but I digress) if you write ‘Hondo and Jagatha boned like archaeologists on top of Hondo’s 1997 Chevy Pylon’ or whatever. You need to create dark and steamy names, like Vanessa St. John and Juan Carlos Fancypants…I mean, Trenton Green. If it sounds like it could conceivably be a porn star but only in one of those high class X-Art ones (as opposed to, say, Gaping Assholes 8), you’ve hit the sweet spot. And so will your readers…if you get what I’m saying. I’m saying that they will play with themselves.

Naturally, take into account the audience while describing the characters. Naturally, the protagonist must be a legal-aged girl, probably a fresh-faced college student or even right after graduating. She has to be shy and naive, with no more sexual experience than a half-hearted handjob in the back of a Denny’s kitchen. Obviously, she must be a virgin. She has to have no confidence in herself and see herself as a plain, unassuming wallflower. Basically, if you do a copy/paste of every garden variety Twilight knockoff bullshit, you’ll have it down. And the man must be tall, strikingly handsome, broad-shouldered, and brooding, with impeccable taste in clothes, a high-paying job, no current relationship to speak of, and miraculously well-endowed. Of course, he has to be irresistibly attracted to the protagonist and, by proxy, the reader. I swear to God, this shit is like porn had a retarded baby with a chick flick. It’s like Naughty America banged 27 Dresses or some shit like that.

Also, since you’re writing porn for girls, which is much more about the experience than the actual act, you need to use euphemisms to describe what is happening. You can’t go too clinical, since “He placed his penis inside her vagina and performed intercourse until they both achieved orgasm”. Yes, that may be what happened but…snore. You also can’t really go too vulgar, since that can be a turnoff. “He fucked her cunt with his dick until they both came” also describes what happened but it’s so…inelegant. And yes, that is a concern of yours. Instead, use lines like “Trenton teased her gently opening flower with his turgid manhood. Vanessa felt her nethers quiver with excitement and, as he pushed her open, she felt herself becoming filled with an almost holy sensation. They began to merge as only lovers can and (yadda yadda yadda) they both felt a surge of heat as they crested at the height of their passion and fell to the bed, a tangle of limbs and satisfaction.” THAT is what gets the housewife tang all stirred up.

Since this is apparently the trend, don’t be scared to introduce some ‘taboo’ elements to the sex. 50 Shades decided to dive into the BDSM lifestyle (wrongly, I’ve heard) with the main dude apparently beating the crap out of the girl? I don’t know, I haven’t read it. So that’s right out. Since you want to distinguish yourself from the soon-to-be-arriving herd of copycats, why not take things to the logical extreme? Instead of spanking and handcuffs, try watersports and bloodplay. Instead of contracts and submission, have the girl take a dump on a glass coffee table. Make your characters have the kind of sex that even Max Hardcore would call “a bit too extreme”. End the series with snuff. You know you want to.

Lastly, after it naturally takes off and becomes a poorly-hidden dirty pleasure for soccer moms across the world, hang yourself with a shower curtain. That way, your poison and evil can’t infect the world with sequels, PLUS your faithful readers will call it a fitting way to leave this world. Win-fucking-win.

——
(You really have a problem with popular lit these days, huh? – ed.)

No. I have a problem with literal fan fiction and its metamorphosis into something considered worthy of publication. I have a problem with crap like Twilight and 50 Shades becoming popular while real writers struggle to make ends meet. I have a problem with the increased retardation of the next generation. You are going to have twelve-year-olds choking each other with a belt within six months. Mark my words. These are the End of Days.

(…a bit dramatic, wouldn’t you say? – ed.)

There is no such thing as too dramatic, Ed. Not while evil reigns. I need a drink.

(You always do. Goodnight, everyone. – ed.)

A Blast From The Past: The Negotiation

Posted: May 31, 2012 by kaostheory in Interview
Tags: , , ,

The creative well has run a bit dry, as it were, right now…so as a special treat, we’ve decided to show you a piece from way back before Dan Eats Cat Food was even a twinkle in KT’s eye and brain.

Back in around 2007 or so, Raybestos and KaosTheory decided to write a series of quick sketches to compile into a full-length play. After some discussions, they do so…to interesting effect. A couple pieces of one of the sketches is in fact being incorporated into a different writing piece by KT. The solely KT-written piece is not going to see the light of day because it’s too over the line, even for this site. Well…maybe not but it’s certainly not as witty as it should. And the solely Raybestos-written piece is something that, if he wants it to go up, he’ll have to post it himself.

However, there is one of the sketches – actually the strongest sketch – that is perfect for a day like today where no amount of drinking is able to mask some withdrawal symptoms (of what, don’t ask…nosey bastards). Thus, we proudly (fine, not proudly but…) present to you for your viewing, remaining completely (okay mostly but not entirely) unedited content-wise…The Negotiation.

Oh, also remember that it was written to be performed so the stage directions and things will be there. We’ll make sure that we bold the characters’ names for you for convenience’s sake. Enjoy.

——
(lights up on WILL and BOSS – they are sitting at a desk, chatting)

Boss: Alright, Will. Let’s get down to business. What can you offer me that AT&T can’t?

Will: We’re prepared to offer you zero interest and five point nine percent APR for the next five years.

Boss: I’m not sure I can do that. AT&T gave us five point five AND an opt-out at any point. They seem to be more willing to deal. I’m sorry. I’ll have to take theirs.

Will: Whoa whoa whoa, don’t be so hasty. I’m prepared to give you the first three months free. And, you see that five point nine? Poof. It’s five point seven. Eh, eh?

Boss: You make it five five, we can call it a deal.

Will: Five point six five.

Boss: Five point five five.

Will: Five point five eight.

Boss: Five point five six.

Will: Deal.

Boss: Good man.

(they shake hands)

Boss: Is there anything else I can do for you?

Will: Well, now that you mention it…I’m gonna need you to validate my parking…

Boss: My secretary will take care of that.

Will: That’s the other thing. I’m gonna need ten minutes alone with your secretary. Preferably in an office, but a storage closet will do. I’m not picky.

Boss: Excuse me?

Will: I said, I’m going to need ten minutes with your secretary where we will not be disturbed. You see, I plan to…

Boss: No, no. That’s…that’s not happening. That’s my DAUGHTER.

Will: I did not know that. I am going to need twenty minutes alone…with your daughter. Who is your secretary. I plan to…

Boss: What? NO! No no no no no. That’s…no. Not happening. Not gonna happen. I’m sorry, but no.

Will: What seems to be the problem?

Boss: The…what? You don’t know? You don’t see a problem with this?

Will: I’m just trying to do business.

Boss: I bet you are but that’s not happening. No. Unacceptable.

Will: Please sir. Help me understand. Why is this unacceptable?

Boss: Because she’s my DAUGHTER. And my employee! And she’s underage.

Will: I was unaware of this as well. I now require thirty minutes alone with your underage secretary daughter. And a lookout in case security comes to check out the noise. You see, I plan to…

Boss: What? No! No! You don’t seem to understand. She is not legal. She is seventeen and unable to under law have sex.

Will: (pause) Heh. Okay.

Boss: Excuse me?

Will: First off, in this state, the legal age is technically sixteen, just FYI. I should know. I checked. Secondly, I doubt that she hasn’t been playing rainbow games at high school parties. I know that I did. And thirdly, if she didn’t want the high, hard one, she shouldn’t dress like a Catholic pornstar.

Boss: That is her SCHOOL UNIFORM. She comes straight here from school. How dare you?

Will: Look, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot…

Boss: I’d say so, yes.

Will: Let’s just back it up, cool down a little bit. What do I have to do to put me in your daughter?

Boss: Nothing! It’s not happening!

Will: You mean, you’re concerned about protection. I gotcha. I got a kid of my own. I’ll wear a condom if that’s your thing. I’ll even double-wrap, just for you. It won’t cause any problems that wouldn’t have been there already.

Boss: But…that’s…that’s not the point.

Will: Ah, so I can bare-back it. Fan-tastic.

Boss: Wait, no, I wasn’t saying that!

Will: Now I’m getting mixed messages. Answer this: do I or do I NOT have to wear a condom when I have sex with your daughter?

Boss: I…but…you…

Will: Okay, look, in fairness, I’ll make you a trade. YOU can have sex…with MY daughter.

Boss: I’m…I don’t want to have sex with your daughter. How old is she?

Will: I’d prefer not to say. But…young. How about it?

Boss: What? NO! I’m not a pedophile!

Will: I was mistaken. I apologize.

Boss: Excuse me?

Will: Never mind. Look, I’m willing to barter the contents of my wallet for the privilege of boning your daughter. That is more than fair.

Boss: Are you calling my daughter a whore?

Will: Not as such, no.

Boss: Not as such? What the hell does that mean?

Will: I mean, if it’s a question of money…

Boss: It’s not!

Will: There is an ATM…downstairs…that I can go to and clear out my expense account for this trip. I was just going to embezzle it and spend it on blow and hookers, but this seems like a more worthy investment.

Boss: It…it is but wait, wait, that’s not what I meant…no…you…you can’t have sex with my daughter. It can’t happen.

Will: Why can it not? It seems straightforward to me. I know the ropes. I promise.

Boss: It’s not a matter of that. It’s…look, she’s all I have left of my wife. She left me a few years ago for her gynecologist Val or something. Val…is not a man’s name.

Will: My condolences. I do not wish to take your daughter from you. I only wish to rent her for forty-five minutes.

Boss: That’s not the point! And forty-five? I thought it was a half-hour.

Will: It was. Commodities fluctuate with the market.

Boss: What market?

Will: While we took that break around noon, I took a picture of your daughter with my camera phone and sent it to the higher-ups in my company. Every executive officer is willing to negotiate with you. I simply got here first. You’re sitting on a goldmine.

Boss: I’m not going to accept pay for sex with my daughter!

Will: Perhaps I misstated. I am not willing to pay YOU to have sex with your daughter. I am willing to pay you for ME to have sex with your daughter. For money. For an hour.

Boss: I…I can’t in good conscience accept money for my daughter. But just for curiosity’s sake, how much are we talking?

Will: Well, let me show you.

(slides a piece of paper across the table)

Boss: Wow…that’s…a lot of zeros.

Will: I am prepared to add two more zeros to that number.

Boss: That’s a lot of money.

Will: Supply and demand my friend. I will even match AT&Ts offer plus what we’ve agreed upon. Because I like you. And very much like your daughter.

Boss: I do have bills.

Will: Indeed. So do we all. So do we have a deal?

Boss: I…I don’t think…

Will: Okay look. I will give you that number, the contents of my wallet, the AT&T deal, and will use protection. That’s a better deal than you’re gonna get anywhere else, I promise you. I’ve price-checked.

Boss: And if you get her pregnant?

Will: I will never contact her again.

Boss: That seems more than fair. Alright. We have a deal.

Will: I’ll have her back to you in the morning.

Boss: And since you’ve been such a good sport with this negotiation, if you’re not satisfied with my daughter, you can bring her back any time today and exchange her for something of equal or lesser value. Like my ex-wife.

Both: (laugh)
——
As always, Dan Eats Cat Food does not condone paying for sex, underage or not. If you can’t get it on your own merits, you don’t deserve it.

(That’s kind of dark. – ed.)

It happens.

What Birds Actually Are

Posted: April 13, 2012 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , ,

We’re going to start by saying that this one may well be controversial. A lot of people may get upset by what we have to say but the time has come to no longer be afraid of our beliefs. The truth must be told. Too long have we just sat to the side while things have happened.

Ladies and gentlemen…all birds are assholes.

I know, I know. It’s shocking to hear but hear me out. I know you all think that birds are the cute little things that cheep prettily and fly around, munching on seeds and the like. But you’re wrong. Let me explain to you how some of these so-called “adorable” creatures are just really average sized dicks. With wings. Flying dicks.

(Note to self: trademark that name. It could be a hot as hell meme.)
——
Blue jay: Right off the bat, fuck these guys. Little psychopaths. For one, they are bigger than most songbirds so they can throw their weight around. They’re basically the meathead juicers from New Jersey walking into a bar (or birdbath) and shoving the chickadees to the side in order to get their Jagerbombs and suet pinecones. They are aggressive, territorial, and outright mean. When I worked at a furniture store, I had to fight one off with a freaking BOX CUTTER just to get the little bastard to stop dive-bombing my eyeballs. True story.

Chickadee: Oh no, we’re not gonna let this little prick off the hook. All flying around, looking adorable with its little black and white coloring and tiny body. Yeah, it’s got a deep, dark secret though. Meth. You heard me. Chickadees are meth dealers. Think about it. Why would they NOT be? Yeah. I thought so.

Mockingbird: This jerk is just like that dick at the bar that gets liquored up and makes fun at everyone nearby. Guess what, jagoff? Mimicking other birds isn’t funny. It isn’t cute. All it does is show that you can do impressions. Whoop-de-shit. Who know who else does impressions? The cast of MADTV. Do you really want to be like them? You know who else does it? Those jackholes who are raping the memory of the Three Stooges. You’re a stooge! How about you use your own voice for once, you animal kingdom Frank Caliendo bitch.

Cardinal: Strutting around, thinking he’s all hot shit because he’s got loads of color prettying up the neighborhood. Feh. It’s called trying too hard and you’re the fucking physical exemplar. And that’s the males! The females are all brown and drab with just a little bit of coloring. You KNOW that he beats her. Comes home drunk to the nest one night, dragging her along by one wing, starts whipping the shit out of her with an extension cord because she had the AUDACITY to wear that dress with the plunging neckline which makes him look like a cuckold with all the other birds staring at her. Get some therapy, Cardinal. Get help.

Purple Finch: Could it BE any more of a homosexual?

Robin: You know how there’s that jerk who, whenever he hears that “You’re one in a million!” compliment, always chimes in with some tired-ass joke about that meaning that there’s still at least four people just like them in Atlanta alone? Yeah, that’s who the robin is being compared to. These birds are EVERYWHERE – cheeping, genociding worms, shitting on cars. It’s like a biological cloning experiment gone wrong. It’s like zombies. If birds could be zombies, this would be that kind of bird. Plus, one of the lamest sidekicks in comics history adopted you as a name so…fuck you, Robin.

Titmouse: HAH. What an unfortunate name, both for the bird and for the world. When you hear the name ‘titmouse’, I prefer to picture Minnie as a stripper in some dank club on a Thursday night, high as a kite with three grams of coke up that nose, dollar bills stuffed into her g-string, gyrating listlessly for Bluto and Pete (the douchebag neighbor on Goof Troop) as Mickey sits at home, wife-beater stained with the grease of a thousand cheeseburgers, a fifth of rye dangling from his gloveless paw. Okay, that went to a darker place than I was expecting.

Grackle/Raven/Crow: You know what’s a really fun kind of creature to be? One that has its mere presence exist as a DIRECT PORTENT OF DEATH. Know what’s even more fun? Edgar Allen Poe freaking the hell out over you and some long-since-unaddressed grief and trauma. Know what’s even more fun? Being a fucking grackle. One of these things is not like the other. Be honest. You just sang that to yourself, didn’t you?

Vulture: This is a creature that has its sole purpose in life to be eating the dead, rotting, and probably skid-marked remains of whatever furry little housepet got obliterated by a F-150 on the highway. I can’t even say anything about this. It’s like the Kardashians. You can try to insult them all you want, but the reality of the situation is that they will shit on themselves more than even fiction could.

Eagle: Keep on gloating, jackass. If Ben Franklin had been given his way, the national bird would have been the turkey and we would have been having roast eagle on Thanksgiving. And remember, it’s a quick hop, skip, and a jump from majestic to extinct, so maybe don’t be such a high and mighty prick all the time.

Turkey: Dude, let the Ben Franklin thing go. AND STOP RUNNING THE HELL IN FRONT OF MY CAR. Seriously, I don’t want to have to replace my windshield because one of you douchebags decided that you wanted to lay your wattles in the back seat of my Camry. Come on, man. I know you’re delicious with your anal cavity jammed full of bread crumbs and seasoning, but you don’t have to be a full-on retard near moving traffic.

Towhee: I don’t even know what the hell kind of bird this is.

Carolina Wren: THIS MOTHER FUCKER. Sure, he LOOKS like an adorable elderly gentleman, with his fat body, long beak, and regal stature. He’s an absolutely cute as hell bird. THEN HE OPENS HIS GODDAMN MOUTH. When he opens his beak, every scream every screamed by every soul in abject torment in the very deepest and darkest pits of Hell comes together to RIP THE WORLD ASUNDER. This is the Bird of the End Days. This is the Bird that Eats Men’s Souls. THIS IS THE LITTLE COCKSUCKER THAT DECIDES IT’S FUCKING FUNNY TO WAKE ME UP WHEN I’M STILL DRUNK AS SHIT ON TWO BOTTLES OF WINE AT SIX IN THE FUCKING MORNING. If there was every a bird that deserved to be cast, wingless and dipped in barbecue sauce, into a pit of hungry feral wolverines, this would be the little bastard most deserving. I hate you, Carolina Wren.
——
(You just kind of…think of an idea and go, don’t you? – ed.)

I don’t always listen to myself talk.

(Clearly. – ed.)

An Experiment Gone Awry

Posted: February 15, 2012 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , ,

By now, I’m sure you all have heard about or read about or sensed coming out of the dark aether that lies between this world and that of the nether realms the existence of Jack in the Box’s new “delicacy” (read: affront to God, man, and the natural order of things) – their bacon milkshake. Yes, you read that right. A milkshake, also known as ‘What the hell, give me Type 2 Diabetes already’ In A Cup, with what I can only assume to be either hard, salty chunks of fried pig or, worse, pork drippin’s mixed in with the vanilla or, God forbid, chocolate or strawberry ice cream. While the potential to create a geek nexus around it by marketing it with zombies emblazoned on the cups and ‘gamer girls’ awkwardly fiddling with Xbox 360 controllers in commercials is yet to be untapped, the fact is that this abomination does actually exist.

But what is one to do if there is no Jack in the Box nearby that does not exist in the heart of the ghetto (or barrio or whatever unsafe area exists in your town)? Or if the prospect of actually paying a restaurant for them to kill you sounds like a sick German fetish rather than indulging in an ostensible “drink”?

It’s a very simple solution: create your own.

Well, simple in theory. In actuality, it is about as big a clusterfuck as a men’s rugby team playing tennis against a women’s volleyball team. Blindfolded. And naked. With a bowling ball.

We attempted just such a “simple” activity a couple days ago when we were bored and apparently wanted to experience what true despair and frustration feels like…without masturbating. For once. What follows are the (abortive) attempts that we made at creating our own version of this helltreat. Enjoy.

——
Attempt #1: This should be pretty easy. I don’t see why we’re making such a fuss about this. Just some vanilla bean ice cream, milk, a rasher of bacon…simple. Put all of that in a blender and hit ‘puree’. Easy.

Result #1: Forgot. The fucking. Lid. This is an ominous portent. It’s probably for the best anyway. I mean, not for the kitchen. The cabinets just got a nice coat of “sticky cream and raw bacon”. That’s going to be a bastard to clean up. No, it’s for the best for, you know, our bodies. Also, cook the goddamn bacon before putting it in the shake. Come on. That’s bush league.

Attempt #2: Okay. Materials? Check. Bacon COOKED? Check and check. Maybe a little too crispy. Should be okay though. Everyone loves crispy bacon. Well, except for vegans but the day I give a crap about how crispy they like their bacon, I’ll french kiss a live outlet. Where was I? Oh yeah. Blender? Filled to the brim with stuff so that works. LID? Triple damn check. Okay. Let’s do this again.

Result #2: Um…unappetizing is a good word to describe this try. We clearly used too little ice cream or too much milk and probably too much bacon because it looks like a porn star’s dick exploded in this thing. It’s just kind of this watery, chunky mix. Pass.

Attempt #3: This is a little disheartening, but nothing delicious was ever easy. Well…except in a couple cases. Regardless, we soldier on. Less milk, more ice cream, less bacon, and let’s throw some damn butter in with it to try to thicken it up some.

Result #3: Well, there are good and bad aspects of it. The good is that the thickness is about what we want in a milkshake. The bad is that everything else is not. The butter added a weird yellow tint to it and didn’t break up too well (probably should have unfrozen it first) so there are butter chunks floating next to bacon chunks and, really, whichever you bite into isn’t going to make your mouth happy. This is starting to blow.

Attempt #4: Okay. Gonna try something different with this. I’m going to take a shot of tequila and then a second shot of tequila and then we’re going to take the butter out and try cream cheese. Why cream cheese? Because who fucking cares by this point? Maybe it’ll be good!

Result #4: Cream cheese was a poor choice. I think we’re getting further away from the ultimate goal here. Time to reduce.

Attempt #5: Two more shots of tequila down the hatch. The edges of my eyes are a little fuzzy. Rad. Milk, vanilla bean ice cream, cooked bacon chunks. Let’s do it.

Result #5: PIECE OF SHIT LID. I’m not cleaning this shit sober again.

Attempt #6: Two more tequilas. Tequila. Ta-key-lah. That would be a pretty name for a baby. Oh, right. Some sort of milkshake. Milk, ice, cream, bacon. Easy. Just push play.

Result #6: …that was like a bacon margarita except violence in the mouth instead of liquor. Who’s the asshole that put ice and cream so close together? I thought they had a comma. I guess not.

Attempt #7: Hadda drink a beer to get that taste outta my mouth. Does your face feel hot? My face feels hot. Just like my DICK. Ho ho ho, bitches. What? What do you mean I’ve had enough? You’re an enough! Let’s blend some shit already!

Result #7: WELL! That’s what happens when you let a drunk guy handle appliances. Someone is going to get creamy stuff all over because he forgets to put the lid on again.

Final Attempt: Okay. That looks good. That looks like the right amounts. Can I press the button? No? Okay. You do it.

Final Result: Huh. That’s it? I guess you want me to review it? Fine. *ahem* It tastes like a stupid vanilla milkshake except for when you get a chunk of bacon. Then it tastes like a salty vanilla nightmare. Happy?
——
In conclusion, the fact that the bacon milkshake actually exists is a stain upon the good name of American production everywhere. That it is actually being sold and marketed by a company is a shameful result of not using that hot blonde woman in their ads anymore. For shame, Jack in the Box.

Wait, Double Downs still exist?

…shit, count me in then.

The Possible States Of Drunk

Posted: August 21, 2011 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , ,

So you’re going to get drunk. Wonderful. We approve. Douse your internal fire with alcoholic liquors, liqueurs, beers, wines…Jello shots. Whatever gets your liver dick hard. It’s all good. However, being drunk comes along with its own risks. Aside from the bodily damage that comes part and parcel with drinking (we’re all dying slowly so what’s accelerating it anyways?), the chief concern is of which personality you will take on while in your pursuit of drunken whoring. Let me explain. While drunk, nobody retains their sober, everyday persona. It just doesn’t happen. All of your flaws become either magnified or disappear in favor of other, more glaring and oppressive flaws. Even beyond that, there are various stock personae that most people can and will fill in, sort of like a sloppy clay figure mold. These, my friends, are who you could become, were the situation to warrant it.

Giggly: This is most definitely a hit-or-miss proposition. On one hand, any aspiring comedians in the bunch that you happen to be drinking with (we’re going to assume for the purposes of this article that all of these states of mind will occur while with other people, as opposed to sad and drinking alone) will receive a wonderful ego boost from you when you laugh at his stupid fucking joke about why airlines need to provide larger bathrooms. On the other, you will get really annoying really quick when you start snickering when a sobbing friend starts detailing her father’s chemo treatments. If the words “cancer”, “AIDS”, “abortion”, “breakup”, “heart” or “Obama” come up, walk the fuck away before you do any serious damage.

Depressed: The other side of the Janus coin with Giggly. Depressed means that NOTHING is funny to you. At all. A fucking Ku Klux Klan member could accidentally ignite his hateful cowl and be running around the room, howling like a burning turd got stuck in his buttpipe, while other drunkards laugh and take out their various members to attempt to extinguish the flames with righteous urine and you would be sitting in the corner, sipping on your damn Bud Light, feeling nothing but darkness swarm around your head. You, good sir or madam, are a downer.

Suicidal: The logical extension of the depression lot, the suicidal means that the booze is making nothing seem like it’s worth living for. Not the warm feeling in your brain. Not the constant throbbing erection you get from drunk girlfriends making out to fulfill a tawdry bet. Nothing. You are even more of a downer. Just sleep it off and pray for actual death in the morning when your head feels like a Macy’s Parade float and your bed is soaked in pee.

Horny: This is not your normal “Oh hey, I kinda want to blow my load on someone’s face/tits/ass/various other body parts” level horny. This is nuclear-grade, white-hot “If I don’t put my penis in or on something female tonight, it will literally explode. I will become a Ken doll” horny. This is horny that leads to choices like taking home a ‘trail mix’ woman. You know, the ‘grab bag’. One with alligator teeth, rhino horn, hippo ass…um…snake vagina. Bad news, basically. So if you feel the stirring in the nethers while drunk, especially one that feels like a turbine starting to rev up, get the hell out of wherever you are, turn on some Naughty America at home and fire one off into a beach towel because toilet paper will offer you no protection from the…ahem…coming fireworks.

Rage: It’s difficult to qualify how one comes to this particular state because it is 100% predicated on external influences. You could already be mad about various events throughout the day so anything further is just going to set you off like a car bomb in the middle of Tehran. OR you could be in any one of these other moods but something could happen – a spilled beer, a blown tackle, the bartender fingering your girlfriend behind the salad bar – and you will explore into a beast aflame. Here’s where you start to test out the verbosity you somehow have acquired that directly relates to how many curse words and different variations you can link in a stream of invective. For example: “Why don’t you fucking eat a rotten dick, you shit-staining, ass-sucking, cock-pulling son of a cum-stained whore?” Or something along those lines. Rage allows you to reach maximum hate, verbally.

Violent: Annnnnnd Rage kicks it up a notch. Words no longer are able to be formed. Instead, you have reverted to the primal reptilian state where the only things you can say are grunts and punching. This is where tables are broken, windows shattered, asses kicked and noses bloodied. This is the state of drunk where you are impervious to pain, instead using whatever hurts as further fuel for the jet engine that is your anger coursing through your body. You are in full Hulk fugue and only a cheap shot or electricity can Bruce Banner you once more.

Arrested: As you go from Rage to Violent, you soon transition from Violent to Arrested, less a state of mind and more a state of being.

Chatty: Certainly the least undesirable of the options at hand. When you are in this state, Miss Alcohol has reached her sweet little hand into the very depths of your brain and personality and found the little button that controls your inhibitions and with a quick press of her finger, turns that button completely the fuck off. When you are Chatty, you find social situations that normally would play your anxieties like a well-tuned theremin are no longer so onerous. In fact, you may well find yourself engaging in activities that in a sober state would leave you embarrassed and haunted, such as beer pong, playing Shot for Shot, or perhaps even fucking a sorority girl up the butt as she is bent over her school-furnished dresser. On second thought, Chatty is pretty damn awesome.

Offensive: Unfortunately, Chatty has a dark side that is revealed after time. When the inhibitions are shut off, it does truly create a situation where although you may be able to be more gregarious, you also lose that well-honed ‘Should I Say This?’ that normally keeps you out of trouble. That means that, say, were you to happen upon an unfortunate individual whose struggles with a recurring venereal disease have been socially documented, where in a normal situation you would give them a friendly hello and a nod to let them know that you still value them as a member of society, here in Offensive Mode is where you will instead start applauding and yelling ‘Clap on! Clap off! It’s the Clapper!’, creating a very unpleasant social meme for the person for the duration of their college life. Well done, asshole.

Philosophical: We’ve all been there. Drunk and sitting on the Quad, watching the sun rise. Rambling incoherently about the nature of being. Believing that words of gold drip from our tongues as we contemplate just what it means to be human. Yes, friends. You are Philosophically Drunk and you will have no damn idea what the hell you were talking about as soon as you sober up.

Messy: You are just so damn mad at your fucking suitcase. Go away, suitcase! To hell with your being on the bed! Until the next morning when you realize all your shit was in that suitcase and now you have to clean it up hungover. Awesome.

Rogue: Unless you have experience dealing with someone that falls into this category (Pred3000, cough), you can’t really understand what it is about. On any drunk night at any given time, the Rogue can be any and all of the above. Angry one minute, sleeping the next. Offering to burn CDs one minute, screaming Guns ‘n’ Roses the next. Jabbering on about the social implications of music one minute, trying vainly to hit on a girl the next. The Rogue is just that: rogue. You cannot accurately predict the state of drunk this person will be in until they are already in it. It’s both very funny and dangerous.

Batshit Fucking Insane: The worst of the lot. All I can say for this one is that if you have experienced someone in the throes of it, you will understand. For the rest of you, God help you.

You may not always choose to get drunk and you may not always find sites with helpful advice for you, but when you do…make it Dan Eats Cat Food. Deuces.