Posts Tagged ‘Racism’

Adult Solutions to Board Games

Posted: December 31, 2012 by kaostheory in Advice
Tags: , , , , ,

First off, Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Eid/non-denominational holiday/atheistic irritation day to all our readers. We appreciate your support, especially in light of our not writing for shit this year. Hopefully next year will be more funny and less, you know, angsty/drinky/depression and anxiety…y. Anyways, since 2012 is almost over, for good or for ill, we figured we’d give you one last hurrah before the new year dawns in the middle of the night. Now, parties are always fun, but you may get stuck playing board games. That’s okay, though. We’re going to offer you some adult alternatives to classic board games so that you can spice up the mood of the room. As always, all of these games can be improved by drinking but that just goes without saying.
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Monopoly: Collaborate in secret with the other players to perform a daring heist of the bank. At a given time, jump the banker and tie him or her up with rope and duct tape. Clean out the vault and spend an agonizingly long time deciding whether or not to kill the banker since they have seen your faces. Be serious and talk to the point where they don’t think that you are joking anymore. End up in a Mexican standoff and then say “fuck it” and go grab a couple Coronas. Start a new game.

Clue: Treat the game like an actual murder has taken place. Dust for prints, seal off the area, interview witnesses. Have one player come in as CSI to search for DNA evidence and have another player act as CIA and take over jurisdiction, angering all the other blue-collar players who want this case to make their careers. Go behind the CIAs back to find a critical piece of evidence (e.g. the candlestick) still dripping with the victim’s blood. Turn on each other as you realize that the killer is one of you. Trust is broken forever.

Risk: Build alliances covertly with every player and then implement nuclear warfare through Kamchatka. Nuke the fuck out of Africa and go middle fingers all over. Strategy be damned. Turn the world into a parking lot. Glass the fuckers. Risk always ends in fistfights anyways. Why not make them deserved?

Candy Land: Rename the various characters into wars. Queen Frostine is Grenada – quick and easy to get out of. King Kandy is WW2 – if you reach that point, you’re one of the baddest people in the game. Gramma Nutt is Iraq – it’ll take a while to get out but you can make progress towards it. And that motherfucker Plumpy is Vietnam – easy to get caught up in, impossible to get out of, and when it happens, it just ends up with Jane Fonda pissing on your face. Wait, I’m not sure I did that last one right.

LIFE: It’s a deadly serious game. The inevitable slog towards the grave lined with the stones of mounting debt, alcoholism, adultery, children, divorce, dating, depression, and suicide. The game of Life indeed. Nobody makes it out alive. If you really want to go dark, go with Russian Roulette as the spinner. Drive your fancy car to work, players. Your wife is now a lesbian.

Connect 4: You make four yellow or red coin-things in a row. You can’t adult it up. Oh! Okay. You put your penis through the hole and await the falling of the pain rings.

Operation: Create a fun little ambiance to it. Dim the lights, put on the sound of loud beeping. Monitor the patient’s condition. Have alarms going off and nurses/other players screaming. You’re not performing a real operation just trying to pull out some stupid plastic bone or whatever. You’re performing a real operation when touching the sides gets you sprayed in the face with pig’s blood. Don’t ask me where you can find pig’s blood. That’s your job.

Sorry: Real men don’t apologize. You knock someone back a few spaces, you give them the finger and tell them to suck a cock, asshole. Play to win. Ain’t nobody wanting you to be British or Canadian polite, move them back, and buy them a drink. What are you, some kind of blustery axe wound? Motherfuckers go down. Throw their piece at the wall. You are King Dick. Act like it.

Chutes and Ladders: I…don’t know how to make this one adult. Something about the ladder and chutes being sex? Shut up. I’m drunk.

Yahtzee: Treat it like a real game. Place bets. Get into fights. If you roll two ones, curse the skies about getting snake eyes. Go way over the top with competitiveness. Break a bottle and use it to menace a five-year old. You don’t care. You’re playing Yahtzee. All bets are off.

Battleship: Shots on shots on shots. Military strategy. Mourning those brave seamen (*snrk*) that gave their lives. 21-gun salutes. Frightened neighbors. Arrests. Trials. Tears. PTSD.

Mousetrap: Use actual mice. Just capture some and paint them primary colors. That can’t possibly traumatize little children. And hey, even if it does, you can chalk it up to a learning experience. Win win!

Twister: If you haven’t already tried to use this while drunk for some cheap sex, you are a fucking failure.

Perfection You’re an Asian child and you’re in high school. Instead of putting pieces into holes in rapid succession, you are fighting tooth and nail with other teens for valedictorian. You succeed but get to college and suck off the entire Phi Beta Chi fraternity while on a copious amount of cocaine. Perfection.

Don’t Wake Daddy: Have sex while playing. That adds an extra element of danger to the whole thing and the anticipation factor will keep you going to the point where when Daddy wakes up…well, you know. I’m talking about orgasm. For both of you, ideally. Don’t be selfish.

Trouble: Shoot a cop before playing this. That will add a darker tone to this as well as an added edge of danger. Plus you’re “GET TIN’ INTO TROUBLE!”, you dicks.

Hungry Hungry Hippos: Taunt those who lose for being anorexic. Tease them into tearful acceptance of any kind of offering of sex. No better way to enter the new year than to be inside a girl with low self-esteem! Da DA da da da DA.

Guess Who: Turn off all the lights and get naked. Instead of picking which one has a beard or which one has glasses, go by who you can feel. Does this person have pierced nipples? Does this person have a rigid cock? Does this person have scars all over their sexy torso? Guess with yo’ mouth!

Crossfire: I won’t offer a suggestion here because it’ll sound more racist than it should. Uh oh, Spaghetti-Os.
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(You’re a sociopath, huh? – ed)

Drink drink drink! Happy New Year, bitches!


We here at Dan Eats Cat Food are nothing if not helpful…so, really, many times we are nothing. But we’re here to make up for it. You see, upon going through the site statistics, we noticed something odd. The most popular article is, in fact, written by Pred3000. This, of course, cannot stand. I mean, really. He hasn’t posted an article in well over a year! Then again, to be fair, we’re only giving you an article about once a month and that’s only because we have to justify the cost somehow. Shut up about it. KT is an anxiety-riddled, depressive, incredibly sexually frustrated, and probably alcoholic grad student. He SHOULD be perfectly suited to being funny constantly because of that, we know. Basically, he’s just a lazy bastard. Where were we? Oh yeah. The article. Since we can’t allow the most popular article to go un-piggybacked on,we are going to present to you today a more informative and in-depth guide to masturbating to Internet pornography than that bastard did. We hope you enjoy and can make use of our…um…useful suggestions.
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DO: Use the Internet to your advantage. It’s a wild, woolly, wonderful place full of literally quadrillions of ideas and thoughts and pictures and words being thrown around. This is the Golden Age of information transference and it is at your fingertips with the click of a button. You can go from researching the Fall of Rome by way of Norwegian black metal to reading a webcomic written and illustrated by some desu weirdo who likes drawing anthropomorphic leopards in leather pants kiss-fighting with a ficus in a bikini to watching a video about a cat firing a brick through a plate glass window and howling with laughter. Anything and everything you can dream of is there. Also there’s a whole lot of fucking that you can look at.

DON’T: Assume that because something is on the Internet that it is worth seeing. Remember, 50 Shades of Grey started as a Twilight fan fiction online. There but for the grace of God goes every single hardcore slash Gandalf/Harry Potter/Spongebob/Jabba the Hutt/Vishnu/Alec Baldwin fic out there.

DO: Sample the bounty of the Net. See what’s out there. Don’t be afraid to branch out. Maybe you come across a fetish you didn’t know about and have one of the most rocking-ass orgasms of your life. It’s possible! Not necessarily likely but possible. Who knows? You may actually enjoy watching a naked teenage anime chick being inflated like a balloon, being popped by a black man’s cock, and having mice come to eat her entrails. YOU might. I just kind of threw up. A lot.

DON’T: Be stupid about it. There are clearly areas to avoid. Horse porn. Maybe want to steer clear. Child porn. That’s a no-no in the bad place. The area where the underwear covers. Sex with bridges. You should not also rise. The aforementioned “inflationigrarumpebanturmuresextaphilia”. Even just putting that into a translator brought on the urps again. Damn you philiacs!

DO: Learn alternative ways of masturbation. Self-love is still a love life and you should switch it up to keep things fresh. If you’re always a southpaw (or a south-gnarled and withered claw), why not try pitching to Righty? Or on your knees? Or on your back? Hell, even the shower could be fun and you can clean your filthy,war-torn body afterwards. It’s a double duty dunker!

DON’T: Fuck your boxspring. Seriously. Don’t do it. You will never repair the damage an errant coil does to your dickskin.

DO: Use an aggregation website (you know the ones that are out there) to explore your tastes freely with relatively minor risk of viruses or random gay porn popping up and murdering your hard-on with great vengeance. They are free to use and have an incredibly expansive display to choose from. Just be careful not to Wiki-jump the different videos, especially the stuff with titles that are just random numbers and letters and/or are written in Spanish. Just…don’t do that. Save yourself a whole lot of terror-crying.

DON’T: Download those bullshit programs that some sites demand you use in order to…utilize their website. Fuck that noise. It just adds more clutter onto your PC and makes plausible deniability less likely down the road. Besides, if you are so desperate to download things, there are ways around every problem. I obviously don’t recommend or support those since they are the mark of low character, but I cast no such aspersions on the stoner dude down the hallway from your apartment that stays up until 4 in the morning listening to Rage Against the Machine, smoking pot and probably meth, and working on his anarchist’s manifesto. He can probably hook you up with some Debbie Does Six Day Laborers Behind the LA Fitness in South Central.

DO: Pay for porn when you can afford it. I know, I know. You just felt your heart seize a little. Let me explain. Paying for porn = more porn being made = more choices for you to make. And the cycle repeats. Also it’s someone’s career choice, you asshole, and nobody wants to fuck for free. Or so I’ve been told.

DON’T: Decide that, hey, this actress I jerk off to is on Twitter. I should Tweet her my dick! Stoppit. If you had people who wanted to see your cock, you wouldn’t be jerking off to Internet porn, would you? Leave her alone, get your Jergens’ and cry about yourself.

DO: Figure out what you like best and go wild with it. You like redheads (and who doesn’t?), you find every redhead video out there. You like big black girls taking it up the butt, go nuts. You like trannies rubbing each other with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and pouring white wine everywhere while La Vie Boheme plays? …try RedTube. That shit has everything.

DON’T: Become so well-versed in porn stars, their names, and their appearances that you can name them in polite conversation. If you’re talking about your pornographic tastes in public, there is something severely wrong with you in the head. Either that or you are playing a DANGEROUS gambit of which we can’t approve. If that is where your path is taking you, know that we cannot follow you.

DO: Finally understand that they are real people doing real, sometimes horrifying acts on camera for your amusement. They deserve your dignity, your money, your respect, and about five squirts of baby batter or so, depending on how long you’ve done. Bon appetit, horndogs.
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(This was disgusting. – ed.)

You’re disgusting! HOOOOO!

(And we’re done here. – ed.)


We apologize for the month between each article. What with packing and moving twice and visiting the place that KT is going to live and handling a breakup with the [insert typical vicious derogatory term here], the ability to be funny is waning quite a lot. However, one thing we have not done in a while that always brings the funny is to go into our search terms to see what depravity brings people to this website. And let us tell you…the people who link here are messed up in the brain. Please enjoy the fifth installment of what can charitably be called the most long-running series on this site.
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why do teenage girls become wayward?: I would assume that it’s because teenage girls are a discontinued lipgloss flavor away from a complete psychological meltdown at every single point in the day.

they are you antsy furniture ny and my bro mass of hudson mass: If I could even decipher this, I would attempt to answer it. As it stands right now, the best I can interpret this as is someone from the northeast region of the US being an absolute retard, not like it takes a whole lot.

sloopy titts videos: Sloopy titts? I could understand ‘sloppy tits’ but sloopy tits is more along the lines of asking if I know where to buy a small boat and how to rename it…with videos.

petroleum vodka: Grigor isn’t dead!

“dick into emma watson”: I really hope this happened after she was eighteen. Actually, if I’m being honest, I was really hoping this wouldn’t be a search term at all. Although at this point, Emma Watson would kind of be like winning a gold medal after missing out on the Special Olympics. Or is that too harsh?

gay boy dan eats gas: What. The. Fuck. Is. This. There is so, SO much wrong with this search term that I just frankly don’t want to know about.

anal beads cereal: Quick! To the patent office!

skyrim one arm bigger than the other: The funniest part about this one isn’t that it’s probably referring to the Skyrim characters being Self-Pleasure Geniuses, but the fact that this particular search – with different phrasing – appears no less than FIVE MORE TIMES in the search records for this site. Apparently, we are the top of the top with Skyrim masturbators. I’m…proud?

how to write like a girl teenager: At first look, this appears pretty innocuous. If you read into it, though, it sounds more like a ephebophile looking to pick up some tips to prey on innocent young…I assume boys but who the hell knows with those freaks?

how to make something for marsturbating rough: The insistence on rough masturbation troubles me. I don’t know why my readers apparently hate their dicks but it’s common enough to be a relatively normal search term. Let me be clear: do not rip up your penis with rough jacking off.

how to fuck my wife in skyrim: Again, not an uncommon search term. I got a ‘bang my wife’ one with this as well. Apparently, there are guys out there that really want to have virtual sex with video game characters. But then again, I can’t really judge since my porn library at this point rivals the Library of Congress.

instantmonkeysonline: HOW IS THIS A NEED?!

wayward prayer teenage girl This is getting a little strange. The wayward thing is apparently more of a fetish than I was aware of.

pornstar nan binya: I know Priya Anjali Rai if that makes you feel any better…Nan Binya is a stranger to me.

mighty morphin power rangers monsters who eat the power rangers: If this had happened, don’t you think that the (apparently) King of P.R. trivia would have known about it? No, I don’t think that happened. No, I don’t think you’re okay for asking about it.

sex eating cat song: Is this trying to relate eating cats and sex? Or is it about eating sex and is sung by cats? There is so much that this asks.

saints katrina bullshit: Ah, Colts fans.

“abortion session” fucked: …I don’t even know what to say about this one except that I’m disturbed. Is this talking about after-abortion sex? I really hope not…

nuttin bitch cereal picture: I cannot even explain how badly I want to see this picture they are asking about. I don’t know if they mean the cereal is called ‘Nuttin Bitch’ or what…it’s hilarious to think about though.

jani lane memorabilia near boston: This is very specific. Also, it’s incredibly morbid. At least they aren’t wanting to get his skin or something.

scorpions song beginning with horns: There’s a song that Scorpions did with brass? Am I going to fall in love with them more or is this a lie?

metal baby in the womb: I know this probably refers to what the article was about with the baby that loves metal music but it’s funnier to think of like a plate-metal baby sitting and gestating, occasionally sending off electrical sparks as it floats.

baby eats metal: Okay, I take that back. This is a whole lot funnier.

cartoon video where bin laden is killed by a sniper and pissed on by superfly: This was about the point that I started laughing so hard that a little bit of pee may or may not have come out. This is possibly the best and/or funniest search term that has ever brought people to this site.

eat the pussy up, thanksgiving! like marvin ya body need some sexual healing: I literally couldn’t think for a couple minutes after this one from laughing. I love that this site is now associated with not only rap music but shitty rap music at that. God bless America.

natalie portman yeah i had a baby but im still crazy so show my ass respect cause i make that fucking gravy: This has to be something off of The Lonely Island. I’m going to assume it was the 100th clip of all of that. That’s the only explanation.

dangerrers++big+ass: I think I just need to blame this one on one of those bot searches otherwise…no, I can’t actually think of a reason this would fit for here.

true blue test cat food.cob antelope: It started out okay, like perhaps looking for an obscure brand of cat food. Then it hit antelope and it all went off the rails badly.

erotic story pregnant woman crying in bathroom comforted by brother towel falls he’s erect they have sex:…is there really even any need for my site after this? I mean, it’s pretty clear what is being searched for and is also pretty clear that I’m not really okay with it and the specificity.

i fucked an asian milf at the venetian in vegas last weekend: Cool story, bro. Are you just bragging or looking to find someone to commiserate with?

he who laughs last probably has an extra chromosome: I’m not even going to lie. I love this joke. It makes me laugh every time. I hate myself.

pink ranger kim fucked by alpha: This one actually made me wave my hands in the air in shock and confusion. Out of anyone in the Power Rangers canon, you want to see the ROBOT fucking her? You couldn’t pick the black guy or the gay one?

“go for the balls” friend: That’s not a great friend.

skyrim girl argonian fucking a boy dragon pics: And now we’re getting stuck with furries. Awesome. That’s totally what I want associated with my site. I’d rather they just kill themselves (along with a certain other person) and leave room for the nubile barely-legal redheads flooding to the site.

st helens sluts: Does this exist? I really want to know. Are there people that get all hot and bothered over volcanoes?

f-valium sterilization food.com: Annnnnnnd now we’re picking up the conspiracy theorists as well. Fantastic. We’re a racial separatist away from a bingo.

-=8[flr.skrrkk: Awesome. Someone had a seizure and died and it just happened to lead them here. Hope you enjoyed your stay, brief as it was!

cousin’s cousin eats cat at home sex videos: Come on now. The cousin-fucking was the main thing here. You can try to mask it with cat eating all you want but we all know what you’re here for. Also, we’re not interested.

http://www.toilet eats the food sex: I’m starting to sense a trend and it’s the worrying combination of food, sex, and toilet humor. No, wait, that’s the site itself, really.

“red dress” morgan freeman oscars cleavage 2012: What in the HELL? How do you mix up Morgan Freeman and Anne Hathaway? I shiver at the thought.

what vhappens when its you first felony and get busted with 8 ball of cocain?: Well, what happens is you go to jail for like ten years. And then your asshole gets raped by big, mean bikers. Hopefully somewhere in that period gives you time to learn how to spell correctly. Enjoy the buttsex!

racism kama sutra: This made me giggle a lot. The Kama Sutra is kind of the antithesis of racists, although you could make awful names for sex positions like the Hanging [insert racial epithet here] or something like that. No, I’m not proud of that joke. Yes, I’m a little uncomfortable with it.

toons 18 mighty morphin power rangers pond sex fuck: Most of this I can understand. It’s the word ‘pond’ that confuses me. Does it mean that the person searching can’t get off to Power Ranger sex if it doesn’t take place on or near a landlocked body of water? Do they need ducks quacking to stimulate them? Are frogs making it more kinky? I don’t know!

you fapping’ muppet you why i oughta: Yep, those are the people that come to this site. Sorry for the ripoff, Bill Simmons.
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That actually makes me a little sad. People are so messed up. But hey, traffic is traffic so…come one, come all, come at the same time you freaks. DECF is here to serve your needs!


First up, we’re going to give a shout out to and recommendation to go to Caffeinated Change, a blog here on WordPress run by our friend Steph (well, one of many Stephs but still a cool one). You can find her link in our Blogroll Section. Note to self: this may or may not appear if this site ever gets turned into a damn book. We’ll play it by ear.

Anyhow, this world is filled with terrifying creatures. The black widow or brown recluse. The viper fish. The bot fly. Those hornets that sting ants and lay eggs in their brain so that when the egg hatches, it turns the ant into a zombie and makes it walk around, moaning about ‘brains’ except in antspeak which you couldn’t understand even if it was possible to amplify their voices enough. Do ants even have voices? Or do they rely just on body language and waving their feelers around? Do they have the capability to pick up little ant chicks at the ant bar by buying them little shooters of plant nectar? Do they get all clopsy on aphid juice and take the ant girl home to make some bad decisions? Can ants get abortions?

…I think we ran off the track there a little bit. The point is that this world is fucking scary, especially when you think about all the different creepy animals and insects and plants that can crawl in places and do things to other things. OH! That fish that swims up your peehole when you take a leak in the river. That thing has no purpose except to wreck some junk. Bastard fish.

The point is that there are a lot of nasty creatures that exist. We’ve put our heads together here and come up with a list of ones we are reasonably sure DO NOT exist…at least we really, really hope not.
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The Colombian Death Spider – This thing is about four feet wide and uses telephone poles as guides for its webs. Its legs are like rake handles and its fangs look like raptor claws. I think actually that I saw one out my window one night, illuminated in the street light…munching on a squirrel. The furry little tail waving back and forth. On second thought, it may have just been gross public sex.

The Ambulatory Shark – I’d think this one is pretty self-explanatory. A shark with fucking LEGS – how is that not terrifying? You’re swimming in the ocean and you see the big dark fin coming towards you so you tear ass towards the shore. You hit the sand and think you’re safe and then you look behind yourself and see this giant mouth full of teeth and death sprinting at you from out of the surf. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t lose it in your swimsuit.

The Northern Illinois Toilet Bear – Definitely a concern, especially during migration season. It comes out of nowhere which makes it so scary. One second you’re dropping the kids off at the pool and idly reading a Dilbert anthology, the next, WHAM, your crotch is popcorn for a bear lurking inside your toilet bowl. Some space-time bullshit. I’ve heard they can fold their spines into extra teeth to conserve space.

The Black-Faced Race Baiter – This asshole. He’s not even an exciting creature. Just a damn stray hedgehog but every so often, it paints up in blackface and stars performing a minstrel show in the middle of downtown. I mean, who’s going to say anything? It’s a damn hedgehog! Still, it foments racial tension which definitely something to be avoided. What a dick.

The Dual-Wielding Flashlight Hornet – One of the modern miracles of creation. Not only does this damn bug usually grow to the size of a water bottle. Not only does it actually contain two stingers – one in its ass and one on top of its head. But this stupid thing is able to shine light from fluorescent glands in its butt to blind its enemies so it can sting the shit out of it. Know what its mortal enemy is? Ten-year old children.

The Triple Lion – Okay, do you know what a chimera is? The version where one head is a lion, one is an eagle, and one is a snake? THIS IS JUST THREE LION HEADS and all of them are hungry for the same thing. Your liver. And probably random chunks out of your torso and legs. Just toss a steak into the middle of the heads and run. On second thought, this is basically Cerberus but with lions. Still scary as hell.

The 4:30 Screamer – Less horrifying than it is annoying. Birds, by and large, are total dicks. They chirp at you way too early when you’re incredibly hungover…okay, fine, still drunk off of two bottles of wine. They shit on your car, especially after it was just washed. They have little birdie sex on your deck cushions so you feel weird sitting on them. They build nests in that terrible tree you were going to cut down this summer. This bird, though, has a special talent. Despite only being the size of an iPod, this prick can scream at precisely the right tone and pitch to make you believe that a co-ed is being raped and slaughtered on your front porch. At 4:30 in the morning.

The Exploitamouse – Breaks into your home, sits on your favorite chair, and hops into your lap as you sit down to read. This is how it breeds. It breeds in your lap.

The Red-Breasted Titty Fairy – The name is very misleading. It’s not red-breasted. It doesn’t have tits. And it certainly is not a fairy. It’s actually very similar to a garter snake with red spots all over it. It’s just that the name was made when scientists were blackout drunk and giggling. It makes me just so mad to even think of the deception it has propagated.

The Exploding Termite – Out of all of them on this list, this little fucker may be the most dangerous. They come in hives and eat away at your load-bearing beams. Unfortunately, they don’t have the self-control to stop eating, kind of like Kevin Federline. They eat and gnaw and chew until their little thoraxes explode. Even worse, they have nitro-glycerin in their nervous system so when they burst, it’s like a smart car blew up inside your house. You get too many of them in one place and your home is coming down around you like a well-oiled Ponzi scheme.
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(You are almost wholly insane by this point, aren’t you? – ed.)

Well, I am awesome, yes, but I certainly wouldn’t qualify myself as HOLY, my friend.

(But I didn’t…oh. Okay, I’m going to let you have this one because that was actually somewhat witty. – ed.)

Win is for me!


As a child of the early 1990s, my generation was one that grew up with a tremendous range of quality (some still quality, some not so much) programming on television. Rocko’s Modern Life. All That. FOX Kids. The Spice Channel. As kids, we were really the last generation to be able to enjoy Saturday morning cartoons as something other than screaming, flailing, sugar-coated, hyperactive torture devices, as the shows are today. Except for My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic and fuck you for judging. It’s a good show.

The point is that 90s kids had it good when it came to shows (and merchandising) and no show was or is more indicative of the time than than of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. I’m not talking about the dozens of spinoffs which qualify as officially raping the corpse of something decent. I’m talking seasons 1-3, with the original cast. In case you don’t know anything about MMPR (in which case, go back to your pacifier, kid), here’s the basics. In S1, Rita Repulsa was freed from her prison on the moon and was determined to destroy Earth. A space alien named Zordon (basically a face in a glass tube) needed to combat her with his minion Alpha 5 (an annoying-ass robot). To help them, he chose five ‘teenagers with attitude’ – all conveniently located in the same city and school and were friends – and imbued them with the power to become super ninjas and, when it really became nasty (the villain of the week grew to monstrous size – every week), call upon giant dinosaur robots (Zords – clearly not an ego trip at all) buried deep in various places in Earth to come together and make the Megazord to kick seven shades of shit out of the monster and save the day until the next time Rita got her panties in a wad and wanted to destroy Earth. Which was every week. Without fail. Midway through season 1, they added a sixth member but he was evil, I think, but then went good. I don’t know. This is off the top of my head but the fact that I remember all this says a lot about me…not all good.

Anyways, the original six Rangers were as follows:

Jason – Red Ranger: The leader of the group and my personal favorite. I think this guy does or did gay porn.
Trini – Yellow Ranger The first of much blatant racist stereotyping, the Asian was the Yellow Ranger. Still hot though, although she’s dead now.
Kimberly – Pink Ranger Everyone back the fuck off, the Pink Ranger is mine. More boys hit puberty with wet dreams about her than anyone else.
Zack – Black Ranger – You guessed it, he was African-American. And I think has gotten arrested for assault at some point.
Billy – Blue Ranger – The nerd of the group and the one everyone ignored because he was a douche. Also, he’s gay and got harassed a lot on set.
Tommy – Green/White Ranger The bad boy turned hero. Everyone liked him the best except me. He’s doing okay for himself, I think.

The point is that kids these days – with programming the way it is – aren’t looking for a simple, action-packed show with predictable storylines in and out of battle along with gratuitous amounts of sexual tension. They need over the top antics and that’s where we come in. We present to you now our changes and modifications of Power Rangers to pander to today’s class of mouth-breathing puberty cyclones.

Change 1: The group is no longer ‘teenagers with attitude’, but ‘twenty-somethings facing existential crises’. This allows for later changes to actually be applicable.

Change 2: The Black Ranger no longer wears the skintight leotard and helmet, choosing instead to wear jean shorts and a balaclava while carrying a gat strapped to his hip. The Putty Patrol react the same way as humans when they take two to the chest, that’s for sure.

Change 3: One episode deals with the fallout after a Thursday night when all six Rangers sat in Tommy’s Midtown apartment, dropped acid and engaged in various forms of sexual experimentation.

Change 4: Another episode’s through-line involves Billy getting drunk and brutally assaulting Alpha 5 after accidentally teleporting to the HQ instead of to his loft in Queens. Zordon can only sit and watch helplessly as Alpha screams in pain.

Change 5: Instead of giant dinosaur robots, each Ranger is instead given a cell phone and free minutes to be able to call up some “friends” to help them ‘get rid of some problems’. The Harlem Globetrotters occasionally cameo as gang members.

Change 6: Tommy, in a serious relationship with Kimberly, goes over to Trini’s dorm room one night and gets her pregnant after ejaculating inside her instead of on her face as she asked. The rest of the season involves dealing with not only the unfaithfulness of Tommy but the consequences of Trini’s pregnancy and subsequent abortion at the hands of Goldar, Rita’s right-hand man, who does back-alley medical procedures on the side to make some extra money.

Change 7: In retaliation for Tommy’s cheating, Kimberly sleeps with Jason and videotapes it, posting the video to various amateur porn websites under the title “Fuk U Tommy – His Dick Is Bigger!”

Change 8: Alpha 5, as he is not a human, is denied a protective order against Billy who, angry at being exposed to the police, assaults Alpha again, this time sober and this time much more violently. Alpha loses an arm and one of his eyes is put out. However, Jason enters before Billy can kill Alpha and, angry and drunk with Internet celebrity as well as a fifth of Jack, beats the living hell out of Billy before forcing him to perform oral sex on him, after which he breaks his jaw.

Change 9: Zack and Trini snort coke in a subway bathroom. Trini ODs and Zack has to get her to the hospital while at the same time avoiding his parole officer who is checking up on him after an aggravated assault arrest a couple years back. He served two years in Chino and does NOT want to go back.

Change 10 Rita, instead of being a evil immortal being living on the moon, is actually Tommy’s Chinese landlord who wants a piece of his Tiger Flute and is always sending monsters that she animates through black magic to collect the rent.

Change 11: Zordon still lives in his glass tube but is actually just a mentally ill homeless man with a deep, raspy voice from years of substance abuse. The swirling gas in the tube is just paint fumes from the spray can in his ‘huffing’ bag.

Change 12: Kimberly gets a job working as a bank teller but, during a robbery, is shot in the arm. The PTSD drives her to become a thrill-seeker, culminating in Zack and Tommy having to bail her out of jail after she drives her car into a Tiffany’s storefront during rush hour.

Change 13: When paged to enter battle, Billy and Trini don’t show. They have instead opted to get high and go to a Dave Matthews Band concert.

Change 14: Zack, after a very tough battle with one of Rita’s monsters, snaps and executes the monster in front of an elementary school. The resultant standoff with cops results in him and Billy dying with suicide by cop.

Change 15: As the series ends, we see how the other four end up. Jason goes into gay porn and settles down with a production assistant. Kimberly accidentally kills herself skydiving without a parachute. Tommy becomes a softball coach and goes to prison after molesting his entire infield after winning the state semifinals. Trini is forced to become a prostitute in Thailand, eventually ODing on opium. Zordon dies of consumption. Alpha 5 works for Microsoft.
——
(Good job. Way to destroy an entire series for good. Very thorough. – ed.)

My pleasure!

Interview with Ben Roethlisberger

Posted: February 5, 2011 by kaostheory in Interview
Tags: , , ,

Lads and ladesses, have we got a treat for you! Through a tremendous amount of lying and a good deal of money that may or may not actually exist, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food, on the eve of one of the shittiest Super Bowls to ever be played, have managed to score an in-depth interview with none other than Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and unprosecuted rapist, Ben “No’s Not A Word I Understand” Roethlisberger! Are you excited? You should be. Oh, and ladies, you might want to keep your mace handy. Just a helpful little FYI there. Let’s get this started.
——
Dan Eats Cat Food: Hi Ben, thanks for speaking with us today.

Ben Roethlisberger: My pleasure, Chris. Always glad to talk to my fans.

DECF: Uh…huh. There’s about two things very wrong about that, but we’ll skip past it. Anyways, first let me congratulate you on making it to the big game.

BR: Thank you! It’s always a huge thrill to be the best team in football.

DECF: Yes, I’m sure it would be if you win. But you haven’t won yet.

BR: Oh, we’re going to.

DECF: Very confident. Any particular reason why?

BR: Simple. When Ben Roethlisberger sees something he wants, nothing will stop him or get in the way of him having it. Nothing. Not the Green Bay Packers. Not the prayers of football fans. Not even pants.

DECF: That’s classy…

BR: I will say, though, that sometimes it’s a bit boring being the quarterback.

DECF: Really? I would have thought it would be the most difficult and stressful position to play.

BR: Oh not at all. I just have to throw the ball to the open receiver and then my job is done for a minute or so. I’d much rather have been a linebacker. You know, chasing down someone, tackling them. Kind of like hunting your prey almost.

DECF: Are you a big hunter?

BR: You could say that, sure.

DECF: What sort of animal do you hunt? Deer? Elk?

BR: The deadliest game of all, Chris. The deadliest game of all.

DECF: I…my name’s not Chris, actually. But can you explain that?

BR: Probably no, not.

(uncomfortable pause)

DECF: …okay then. So tell us, when you’re not playing football, what do you like doing?

BR: Oh man, all sorts of things. Riding my Harley and getting into accidents. Hitting up nightclubs. Women – I LOVE women. Watching movies.

DECF: Movies, huh? What are some of your favorites?

BR: Hm, let’s see. I love Last House on the Left, A Clockwork Orange, Blue Velvet, Deliverance, The Accused. Oh! And my absolute favorite movie of all time is Irreversible. You know, the one by Gaspar Noe? The one with Monica Bellucci?

DECF: Yes, I know the movie.

BR: Love it. Absolutely love it.

DECF: That…makes perfect sense. Anyways, we should probably address the elephant in the room.

BR: I suppose you do have to do your job.

DECF: Yes, I do. So…did you have sex with those girls?

BR: Oh shit yes.

DECF: I…what?!

BR: Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean, I just wrecked them. Tore them up something bad. See, I have a massive…

DECF: It’s okay! Just…please zip back up. I believe you.

BR: I mean, it’s huge. Just behemoth-level. I’m not Brett Favre here.

DECF: No, you’re very right about that. So you’re not denying having sex with them?

BR: Not at all. I just didn’t rape them.

DECF: How do you figure? They both made pretty persuasive claims that it was nonconsensual.

BR: Yeah, it may have been but what the hell, right? I got laid! High five, bro!

DECF: …I’m sorry, but I don’t really want to touch your hand.

BR: That’s fair.

DECF: How would you respond to allegations by many women’s rights groups that you are fostering a culture of rape apology?

BR: I’ll field this one, Mike. Ever since man first put foot to skin, it’s been the privilege of the quarterback of the football team to have unfettered access to vagina. It’s how it’s always been. We’re all muscled and full of testosterone, our sacks are laden with man fuel, and the ladies are the gas tank. Simply put, getting laid is our god-given right. So if you think of it that way, it’s less “rape” and more along the lines of simply “claiming what was mine”.

DECF: That is literally the worst possible answer you could have given. Literally. There is no way you could have fumbled that question more badly.

BR: HEY. Watch the fumble talk. We have a game tomorrow.

DECF: Oh, that’s right.

BR: Besides, it wasn’t THAT bad an answer.

DECF: Yeah, it really kinda was. So are you surprised that more hasn’t been made of your being a sexual predator?

BR: Are you kidding? I’m stunned! All I have to do is grow a beard, sign a few autographs and win a football game or two and people forget the fact that I put my dick into two unwilling women. I mean, that is just atrocious. What do I have to do to get arrested? Stomp a puppy to death?

DECF: That’s a very good point. Michael Vick was absolutely devastated by the media over dogfighting and is only just now rehabbing his image. You, on the other hand, are still the favored son of your city.

BR: I blame Pittsburgh. That town is just BUILT on rape and racism.

DECF: …that I was not expecting.

BR: Seriously. You know what I call the town with my friends?

DECF: Uh, I’m still trying to get over the fact that you have FRIENDS but…Shittsburgh?

BR: Actually, I like that better.

DECF: So you really hate the city you play for?

BR: God, yes. Look at who they cheer for! They love me and I raped chicks.

DECF: You said you didn’t!

BR: Well, since it’s off the record…

DECF: I never said that it was.

BR: Because it’s off the record, I can admit that.

DECF: What about the fans?

BR: What about them? They worship a TOWEL. Most of them had a tough time making it through second grade.

DECF: Are you just trying to end your career?

BR: Someone has to.

DECF: And we’re out of time. I need to go take a shower. In bleach.

BR: Nice talking to you, Phil!
——
(…you are just bound and determined to get us into serious legal trouble, aren’t you, KT?)

You never know until you try!

Darkness Falls On Gulla Gulla Island

Posted: July 21, 2010 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , ,

I want to do something different!

(What? – ed.)

I’m tired of just giving “how to” lists and being drunk all the time. I want to do something a little more creative this time around. Something with some literary merit.

(You have to be joking. You’re a comedy writer on a tiny-ass website in the middle of nowhere…and you’re wanting a change in direction? – ed.)

No, not totally. Just this once. I have a story that I need to tell. It must be told.

(Fine. If I let you do this one, will you shut up and do your job next article, laugh monkey? – ed.)

Yes.

(Fine. Knock yourself out. Literally I hope, but… – ed.)

Sweetness. Our story begins…
—–
Long ago in the far off time of the mid-1990s, there existed a place in this world with a happy, cheery joyful exterior where children could run and play to their hearts’ content without fear of punishment or violence. Yet in this land was an underbelly seedier than a pile of watermelon vomit after a big drunken Fourth of July party. This land…was Gulla Gulla Island.

(Oh God no. – ed.)

Fine. You want to bitch? Fine. I’ll just watch a couple partial episodes and comment on them. You ass-bastard.

(Fine. – ed.)

Fine.

Video 1:

00:00:30: Alright, it’s the intro to the first one. Huh. I bet that guy wanted to be like, the next Louis Armstrong or Lou Rawls, and then some ass talked him into doing this show, and his dreams died. I just bet that’s what happened.

00:00:45: “Come..and…let’s play together…before I go out behind the production truck and put a .45 to my temple and pull the trigger until it goes click” were ACTUALLY the lyrics but…it didn’t work out so well with test audiences. True story.

00:01:30: “Show him this,honey.” What did he get SHOWN? “Oh GOD! It’s like Goatse in black and white!”

00:01:40: “Well if that worked, I’ve got an even better plan!” *shiver* That’s gross. Beastiality is a no-no.

00:02:20: “What do Binya Binja pollywogs like better than anything?” How about FUCKIN’!

00:02:25: NO! “Playing with kids.” Of course it was.

00:02:30: And now they’re going to SHOW you what fun he had playing with you and the kids? Really? It’s like evidence at a rape trial! That seems unnecessarily sadistic. Like not even “Hey kid, this animal raped you” but “We’re also going to show you what he did to your asshole when you were sleeping”. Unnecessary.

00:03:45: Oh God. They’re circling Binya Binya like some ancient pagan cult. Run, pollywog! They will remove your heart with stone daggers while it’s still beating ! They went “loop-de-loo” around the fucking thing.

00:04:40: Annnnnd mocking epilectics. Fucking class there, Nick Jr.

00:05:20: Let’s try to get him to move around a bit? Seriously? You know how they do that with animals? THEY SHOVE A GODDAMN CATTLE PROD UP THEIR ASSES.

00:06:15: This is getting…weird. “Remember the day it rained and rained and rained? That’s the day Shaina and I sat by the window and she slowly ground herself to her first orgasm on my knee”

00:06:30: OH JESUS. IT MIGHT HAPPEN. HE MADE HER STRADDLE HIS KNEE. I instantly regret my choice of jokes.

00:06:40: Oh God. Just watching this makes me feel a little ill. He is way too touchy of a man. The fear on her face is palpable!

00:07:10: WHAT? WHAT? She just asked for it! She wants him to finger bang her! She would not request it otherwise.

00:07:15: And he READJUSTED HER to a more comfortable position. This is SO SEXUAL, IT’S INSANE. I feel like I’m watching a crime video.

00:07:20: I don’t even want to know which waterspout he’s talking about. Not anymore

00:07:30: …what the HELL? “Sing with your fingers, Daddy.” How can he RESPOND to that? “You got it honey. Now let’s get those Winnie the Pooh panties down around your ankles.” It’s the Island! It makes me do terrible, terrible things.

00:07:37: Oh thank goodness. This one is over. Wait, there’s a second one? BLAST AND DAMN!

Video 2:

00:00:10: No intro this time. That may be for the best. Oh shit. That kid is going to take a gat and driveby the shit out of Binya Binya. I see it.

00:00:20: IS THAT A FUCKING GAS CAN?! Is Binya going to torch the place and leave no witnesses?

00:01:10: “Okay well I’m taking him up to my room to see my treasures.” Seriously? I can’t even say anything to that. Why would he be showing him his balls? I can’t HANDLE THIS. Who the FUCK wrote this script?

00:01:33: He is so fucking insistent that Greg come to his room. What does he HAVE up there? An extension cord and a broken broom handle?

00:01:34:That was a rape joke not a poor joke, by the way, but either way I’m okay with it.

00:01:40: Man, he is really laying into that Chinese kid. Like he wants to get his rape on SO BAD and this Chinese fucker is throwing his game.

00:02:20: After the “You know”, I thought he was going to confess that his piano teacher kissed him once. That would have been funnier.

00:03:00: And Greg Tyrannosaurus, big and strong sounds like a gay porn star

00:03:50: It’s so wrong, but the black kid crouched down like a monkey and swinging a club is killing me.

00:04:15: So they’re going to solve their problems by dancing? Dancing? What is this shit? The Michael Jackson “Beat It” video?

00:04:35: WHY THE ASSFUCK IS HE VOGUEING? You’re not Madonna! You’re a scrawny-ass little white boy!

00:04:45: I want to know who the fuck is in the Binyah suit. And where. the. suit. is. NOW. It probably has strategic holes cut in it

00:05:10: Wait. Wait. How does the knock knock joke END? You can’t just leave it hanging! Bastards!

00:05:40: “Now that everybody is finally gone, I can show you my real treasures!” That’s how you’re ending this? REALLY? You’re ending it on an ambiguously sexual note? What is wrong with you? Damn, yo.
——
I feel kinda sick now after watching those, just so you know.

(I bet you do. Was it worth it? – ed.)

Not really, no. With that, I sign off. I need to cry away the shame.