Posts Tagged ‘Pervert’

Dan Eats Cat Food Blogs The Oscars 2013

Posted: February 24, 2013 by kaostheory in Advice
Tags: ,

Forgive us for the length of time between articles. SOMEone decided that he had to finish and publish one of the finest books ever written. (Robocopter Ski Patrol, on sale next month through CreateSpace and Amazon – TELL YOUR FRIENDS) and thus this poor site has to take a hit. Never fear, though. We’re still going to continue the tradition we have of liveblogging the Oscars, even though this year is going to suck because of the host…and the pageantry…and, really everything. Why are we doing this again? Also, we’ll be getting drunk so this may go off the rails later on.
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7:03: I guess it’s time to do the red carpet. Why does Kristen Chenowith look like Gollum? She’s usually pretty hot. Maybe it’s the hairstyle. And Halle Berry is apparently channeling the 1980s. I have it on mute so I don’t really know.

7:05: Lord, Adele looks a lot like my ex. This is not a pleasant realization. Time for more goddamn beer! Wait. Great googly moogly, Stacy Keibler. Holy crap. Like a tall, super-sexy sequin.

7:07: What is it with the silver glittery look tonight? Not that it’s a bad one by any means but it’s strange to see such similarity. Unless, of course, we’re talking about Michael Bay movies OH THAT’S RIGHT I JUST WENT THERE.

7:08: So is there a procedure for if one of the vote guys gets taken out? Are the votes halved or…what? Commercial!

7:12: Hey, Anne Hathaway’s nipples. Not like a thousand jokes haven’t been made already. Still…good form, ladies.

7:14: On second thought, it looks like Chenowith’s weird look is because of anorexia. I’m seeing neck muscles that are never seen normally.

7:15: Not sure who the lovely lady is with Jamie Foxx (were I to unmute the TV, I may know) but DA-YUM.

7:16: So which character is Daniel Day-Lewis playing now? An Oscar-nommed actor? Good choice!

7:21: Neil Meron looks terrifying. Like…”I could buy and sell your life to whomever I wanted and you couldn’t do a dang thing about it” terrifying.

7:25: Queen Latifah TOWERS over Chenowith. Is she really that big or small, respectively?

7:28: Red Widow looks stupid as hell. There’s a reason I don’t watch ABC like…ever. Just a special level of crap-ass writing, I think.

7:30: Time to start. Let’s see how awful MacFarlane is. THANK YOU RDJ for not applauding! Love him more now.

7:32: Nice little burn on Ben Affleck there.

7:33: This kind of seems like a bad standup right now. He’s nervous. And reading cue cards.

7:34: Not going to lie. I really laughed at the Chris Brown joke.

7:36: What…in the hell…? Shatner as Capt. Kirk? This is…odd.

7:38: Also not going to lie…the “We Saw Your Boobs” song is actually pretty clever. I’m sadly a little impressed.

7:39: Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron out and dancing to MacFarlane singing. Interesting. They sure can dance though. Or have been trained in doing so at least. “The Way You Look Tonight”. Not a bad song at all.

7:41: Sock puppet thing not quite as funny. They can’t all winners. Which is also the theme of the night. Badumtisch.

7:42: Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt dancing – with really loud music. May need a little balance, orchestra.

7:45: Another weird sketch, this time with Sally Field. They are all over the place tonight.

7:47: They really need to fix the music balancing issue. It drowns out most of the vocals. Maybe that’s just on my end though.

7:48: Olivia whoever out now. Best Supporting Actor and the nominees are: Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, and Christoph Waltz. And the winner is…Christoph Waltz. I think that may have been a surprise but I absolutely love it. He was phenomenal in Django. One of my favorite Tarantino characters ever. Super classy of him to give his respect to the other nominees.

7:52: Commercial-time. ‘nother beer, barkeep!

7:55: Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd out on-stage now. Kind of a little awkward. Anyways. Best Short Film, Animated and the nominees are: Adam and Dog, Fresh Guacamole, Head Over Heels, Paperman, and The Simpsons: The Longest Daycare. And the winner is…Paperman. No big shocker there. It was absolutely beautiful. I saw it online and was blown away. I was calling either that or the Simpsons one, which was also very well done. You could see the joy on his face when he mentioned his wife. That was great.

7:59: Best Animated Feature and the nominees are: Brave, Frankenweenie, ParaNorman, The Pirates! Band of Misfits, and Wreck-It Ralph. And the winner is…Brave. Also no shocker here. And the dude is coming out in a kilt! Major props to him. I definitely respect the balls that takes.

8:00: Reese Witherspoon now. My brother must be popping one in his pants right now. Presenting the Les Mis Best Picture along with Life of Pi and Beasts of the Southern Wild. I never got to see Les Mis. I really wish I had. Mainly because just hearing the music even now is giving me the shivers. I absolutely adore that musical. The other two are…meh-looking.

8:05: Even HE was a little ashamed about the crack on Clooney. Hahaha. Bringing out The Avengers cast now. Fantastic. No ScarJo though, which is a little surprising. What are they presenting? They are ripping badly on Jackson and Downey. Love it. Best Cinematography and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting choice. The guy looks like an aging hair metal star. He also may be high.

8:08: The Avengers still on-stage. Love it. Best Visual Effects and the nominees are: The Avengers, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Life of Pi, Prometheus, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Man. That’s doing really well. It must be an absolutely beautiful movie, I suppose. Had to be better than The Hulk for Ang Lee. The guy really should have shut the fuck up earlier on though. Man.

8:12: Commercial. Whew. My fingers are getting a workout.

8:16: Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston. She looks stunning in the red dress. Still hot, even at 40 something. I think she just implied that she did Brazilian. Best Costume Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Les Misérables, Lincoln, Mirror Mirror, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Anna Karenina. Good on her. It must have been a lot of work since, you know, Russian royalty times. She made up for the over-run though. Short and to the point. Good for her.

8:19: Any of these would be awesome. Best Makeup and Hairstyling and the nominees are: Hitchcock, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and Les Misérables. And the winner is…Les Miserables. It makes a lot of sense. French Revolution and all that tends to be pretty in-depth. Oh, that’s her scarf! I thought she was wearing a jacket because she was cold. I guess I just don’t understand fashion.

8:21: Halle Berry out to the Bond music for the 50 Years of Bond tribute. Fifty years. That is INCREDIBLE. It’s even more incredible if you’ve never seen one of them. This tribute is freaking slick though. It just reminds me of how much I love the entire franchise.

8:25: Who is this? Oh, Shirley Bassey! It’s the woman who sang Goldfinger. She still has her pipes though. WOW. She started out a little rough but CRUSHED it. Commercials!

8:31: Just recognizing the producers and director. Cool. Next up, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx. Very nice. She’s looking beautiful. Best Short Film, Live Action and the nominees are: Asad, Buzkashi Boys, Curfew, Death of a Shadow, and Henry. And the winner is…Curfew. I knew nothing about any of these but that one looked suitably ominous in the fifteen seconds or so of footage they showed here. Nice, quick, and classy. I like that guy.

8:35: Best Documentary, Short Subject and the nominees are: Inocente, Kings Point, Mondays at Racine, Open Heart, and Redemption. And the winner is…Innocente. Again, I know nothing about it but it sounded foreign so I was taking a shot that it might win? Maybe? Annnnnd the guy goes a little political. Okay.

8:37: Liam Neeson! I love this man. He is such a badass. He wins everything. All the awards. More Best Picture recaps. Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty. Of course Neeson did the political/thriller ones.

8:41: WOW. I really love that Booth joke – “the actor that got the most inside Lincoln’s head was Booth”. It’s so wrong but I love it. I also approve of playing off the teleprompter ad lib. Also an amazing woman joke – “the innate ability of women to never let anything go”. Love it.

8:43: Affleck up on stage now. He definitely didn’t seem to like the jokes at his expense. Best Documentary, Feature and the nominees are: 5 Broken Cameras, The Gatekeepers, How to Survive a Plague, The Invisible War, and Searching for Sugar Man. And the winner is…Searching for Sugar Man. I’m actually a bit surprised. I would have thought that the AIDS one would win. Because AIDS ALWAYS wins. Both at the Oscars and in real life.

8:46: Commercial time.

8:48: Local commercials, are always so freaking bad.

8:49: Now up we have Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain. Gotta love me some redhead. Wow. Not going to be a whole lot of humor with these two though. Best Foreign Language Film and the nominees are: Amour, War Witch, No, A Royal Affair, and Kon-Tiki. And the winner is…Amour. Oh gee, I wonder who would have not expected that one since it’s up for an actual Best Feature award. Come on. Take away the drama, huh? I kind of wish that Haneke would Funny Games his speech. That would be be awesome and terrifying.

8:52: Good on the orchestra but they are so freaking loud to the point where they are drowning out people.

8:53: John Travolta. Interesting choice. No Vic Vega hair. Sadly. Now a celebration of movie musicals. This could be pretty awesome. Ah, Chicago. I actually like it a lot more than I did in high school. I also think I may have hated it because the show choir was so fucking obsessed with it. Oh man. Catherine Zeta-Jones. I hate Michael Douglas just…on principle. Now Dreamgirls, apparently. Jennifer Hudson – also hot with a great voice, but in a different way from CZJ. Just as good though. Aww, it’s the original song from Les Mis. Sad. I was hoping for One Day More. WAIT! IT IS ONE DAY MORE! GOOSEBUMPS. The dude playing Marius sounds like a frog, though. Anyways, hit it, Enjolras! Good. God. Fuck. Yes. That was incredible.

9:05: Commercial and I kind of need it.

9:08: Now up we have Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana. She’s fine as fine can be as always. Ah yeah, it’s the Sci/Tech Awards recognition. I totally respect that. They deserve an incredible amount of respect. Not just as “nerds”, James Franco, you stoner asshole.

9:10: Awesome, Mark Wahlberg is out…the Ted thing is a little weird though. Is that CGI? I think that’s incredible actually. Best Sound Mixing and the nominees are: Argo, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Les Miserables. Awesome. I really think I need to see it now. Markie Mark looked a little pissed to be out there with CGI though.

9:13: Best Sound Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Skyfall, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…A TIE?! Has that ever happened?! Zero Dark Thirty (the guy kind of sounds like he’s high but maybe he’s just Scandanavian) and SKyfall. That was pretty deserved too. They both were, actually, I assume. I’m also a little biased towards Skyfall but hell, an Oscar is an Oscar. Is there a requirement for sound guys to have long flowing locks?

9:18: Who’s up next? This could be bad…and is absolutely seeming that way. Yep. Awful, awful bit. Awful. Anyways, Christopher Plummer is out now. Legend in the house. He’s got the shakes a little. That’s troubling. Best Supporting Actress and the nominees are: Amy Adams, Sally Field, Anne Hathaway, Helen Hunt, and Jacki Weaver. And the winner is…Anne Hathaway. I’m not joking that I typed her name in without bothering to check the others. That was about as much of a gimmie as there was tonight. Good on her and her erect nipples. I mean, singing voice. Common mistake, that.

9:24: Commercial time. Beer time. I’m feeling the wearing down now.

9:29: Academy President. He looks almost exactly what I would have expected him to look like. Wow. Academy Museum huh? That sounds pretty damn cool. I don’t really care about the college kids helping out though. Except for Jennifer. She is freaking SMOKIN’.

9:31: Next up is Sandra Bullock. She should be pretty funny. Maybe? Best Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Never saw it but I heard it was amazing. Hey, a guy without massively long hair! Short and silver. Classy.

9:34: Jennifer Lawrence is out with a massive freaking dress. Performing is Adele. It’s a decent song but I really don’t want to look at her. Not because she’s not beautiful but…yeah. Mentioned it earlier. I’m just going to listen instead. It’s a nice song and she does it beautifully but…anyways, more beer?

9:39: Commercials. And beer!

9:43: Nicole Kidman and her android face is out to talk about Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, and Amour. And Tarantino looks so displeased with her. But that’s kind of his default setting, I think.

9:47: Kristen Stewart and Daniel Radcliffe. One of a great franchise, one of the spawn of Satan. Still hot though. I’m pretty sure she’s super drunk though. But she was in Twilight, so who wouldn’t be? Best Production Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, and Lincoln. And the winner is…Lincoln. Interesting. That’s not what I was expecting. I’m not sure what I WAS but it wasn’t that. It looks really pretty though so…maybe I’m just wrong.

9:50: Salma Hayek on stage now, looking gorgeous. As always. Presenting the Governors Awards, whatever those are. Congrats to those guys though.

9:52: FUCK Michael Moore. That is all.

9:53: Commercials.

9:57: Clooney is out here now. Let’s see how smug he can get. Oh wait. In Memorium…never mind. I know Michael Clarke Duncan is on there. Ernest Borgnine was first. Sad. I miss that old dude already. Marvin Hamlish was the last one. Interesting. That’s not who I would have pegged there but God bless him. You could do better than Streisand as the singer though. She kind of looks like the Wicked Witch of the West if she was an albino. And yes, I know that this won’t be a popular opinion.

10:04: Fade to black and commercials.

10:05: 10th anniversary of Chicago. Wow. I didn’t know that. Bringing the cast out. All of them looking super as well. Best Original Score and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting. I kind of figured though. It had a more international feel to it when looking at those quick footage trailers. I’m sure it’s deserved though. Again, I wouldn’t know. I was kind of a lazy-ass this year when it came to movies.

10:12: This one is going to be no surprise either. Calling it right now. Gonna have to just listen to the screen again. The dress that Norah Jones is wearing is not flattering at all though. She’s a pretty lady. Not a lampshade. Anyways, I was saying. Best Original Song and the nominees are: Chasing Ice (“Before My Time”), Les Misérables (“Suddenly”), Life of Pi (“Pi’s Lullaby”), Skyfall (“Skyfall”), and Ted (“Everybody Needs a Best Friend”). And the winner is…Skyfall. To the surprise of nobody. It’s not even my favorite Bond song. Ah well.

10:18: Commercial time again. They’re hitting it about even fifteen minutes at this point.

10:22: Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron. Interesting combination. She is so much taller than him! And she looks super hot no matter what her hair length is. Good Lord. One of the prettiest women in the world. Best Adapted Screenplay and the nominees are: Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Silver Linings Playbook. And the winner is…Argo. Thank God. I was just hoping it wasn’t Kushner (Lincoln). I still loathe him for Angels in America, which killed my joy in theatre for three years.

10:25: Best Original Screenplay and the nominees are: Amour, Django Unchained, Flight, Moonrise Kingdom, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Django Unchained. REALLY. Wow, that is awesome! And we get to hear Tarantino talk! Man, I really love this award. He’s one of my heroes. Almost stunned Jamie Foxx into nothingness with his arrogance. Love Tarantino. SO much.

10:28: Commercials again.

10:30: ….what in the living hell was that Gray Poupon commercial? Did anyone else just see that?

10:32: Directing up next. Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas. Maybe she can keep her bitch mouth shut long enough to honor this category. Best Director and the nominees are: Michael Haneke, Ang Lee, David O. Russell, Steven Spielberg, and Benh Zeitlin. And the winner is…Ang Lee. That’s a shocker. The dude has come a long way from The Hulk, which was basically unforgivable. I’m sure he earned it though.

10:37: Commercials. Now we’re getting to the heavy hitters.

10:38: I don’t get that lingerie commercial but I don’t care. Yum.

10:40: Jean Dujardin on stage now. Just a cool dude. Please anyone but the kid. Best Actress and the nominees are: Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Emmanuelle Riva, Quvenzhané Wallis, and Naomi Watts. And the winner is…Jennifer Lawrence. Good. I’m really glad to hear that one. And she TRIPPED. Oh no. But that big-ass dress is what did it. She just seems like a fun person that happens to be a great actress, not the other way around.

10:45: Meryl Streep up now. Man. He was right about no introduction. Probably going to be Daniel Day-Lewis because, you know, method acting. Best Actor and the nominees are: Bradley Cooper, Daniel Day-Lewis, Hugh Jackman, Joaquin Phoenix, and Denzel Washington. And the winner is…Daniel Day-Lewis. Not a surprise. That guy goes so far into his role that he…he’s basically a chameleon in all the best ways. And he’s definitely just an ACTOR. Not someone who publicizes himself. But he does deadpan funny really well. I really like him.

10:51: Here we go. Big time. JACK NICHOLSON. Oh goddamnit. The fucking First Lady? Really? Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. They would never have done this with ANY other First Lady and she’s no fucking better. This actually upsets me. Keep entertainment and politics separate. Just shut the fuck up already. Best Picture and the nominees are: Amour, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Good on Ben Affleck and the entire cast on crew. It just got a little ruined letting the fucking First Lady announce it. God damn. At least the guy in the middle got a nice good laugh. He’s a pretty confident guy. I like him. Affleck is pretty manic right now. I’m thinking part nerves and part cocaine. Maybe 2/3 cocaine.

11:00: Ready for a proper goodnight and it was a decent show. Daniel Day-Lewis won the night by being freaking charming. The night was really spoiled by the First Lady. And of course it’s a singing closer with MacFarlane and Chenowith. I gotta give it to him. Seth MacFarlane did a pretty capable job. Certainly better than James fucking Franco.

Anyways, thanks for reading. We promise that something funnier will be coming up next! Time to drink more!


We’re doing the penis name thing again. This one always seems to get some nice traffic and anything original is damn sure not in the pipeline quite yet. Blame grad school, heavy drinking, sexual frustration, and working on an actual for-publication book. Yay for being twenty-six!
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If you engage in non-consensual sex and/or if no woman will touch you, name it Dr. No. This one is basically a gimmie here. Plus it’s a good warning for anyone. It’d be like calling your dick The Hungerer or 23-Skidoo. It’s basically like painting it bright red and giving it an alarm system.

If you prefer to cyber/text/email/Skype/letter/horsedrawn carriage in a long-distance sexfest, name it From Russia with Love. Also be prepared to have anything and everything you send used against you if you want to go into a political career. Hope you like your cock on the New York Post front page!

If you like to diddle rich cougars in the back of their Escalades, name it Goldfinger. If you’re good, she may even give you an Oddjob in return. No, I don’t know what that is, but no, I’m not proud of that joke either.

If you insist on only having sex in the middle of a lightning storm (inside or out, doesn’t matter), name it Thunderball. This may also apply if you bangarang the chick so hard that you’re making loud clapping noises, like some BBW kind of porno.

If you fire away and then come back for a second round (but only a second round), name it You Only Live Twice. There…wasn’t a whole lot of funny ore to be mind out of this one. I have the sinking feeling that that may apply for a lot of these. Stupid!

If you are banging Kate Middleton on the side, first off let me congratulate your spectacular assholery but also, name it On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Seriously, though. If you are doing that, you are a champion.

If you are fucking one of multiple different porn stars that use precious stones as either a first or last stage name, name it Diamonds Are Forever. Also, get yourself checked out. That syphilis scare ain’t no joke.

If at any point you have had sex to the musical stylings of Paul McCartney, name it Live and Let Die. This could also apply if you were having sex on the edge of a cliff and, at the point of climax, your partner pulled off and rolled off the edge into oblivion but she was still hanging on by the tips of her fingers but you orgasmed and let her drop to her death. Maybe not in that order. That’s an oddly specific kink though.

If you have ever roleplayed as Christopher Lee, complete with extremely uncomfortable spousal abuse, name it The Man with the Golden Gun. Also, if you’ve ever involved a midget in your sexplay. That works too.

If you…I don’t know. Wait! If you’ve done the dirty with Anna Chapman, name it The Spy Who Loved Me. Saved by a hot redhead! First time I’ve ever said that…or written it.

If you’re super into spanking, name it Moonraker. Get it? It’s a vocabulary joke. It also applies if you put it in her dumper.

If you are involved with a chick who is really, really against the idea of any sort of sexual exhibitionism, name it For Your Eyes Only. You should also consider discussing your relationship and what sort of sexual experimentation you both would be comfortable with in order to strengthen your lives.

If you…you know what? No. This is too freaking obvious. You make your own joke for this one when you name it Octopussy.

If you get off watching snuff films, you sick fuck, name it A View to a Kill. This also counts if you produce what is widely considered to be the worst sex possible within the context of movies. Also if you’re Christopher Walken, in which case, welcome to the site, Mr. Walken! I love your work.

If you wreck a girl so hard that she’s dazed and confused and not really sure where she’s at, first off, congrats, and second off, name it The Living Daylights. You might also want to check her for bruising or tearing or maybe even a concussion. That’s probably not healthy.

If you…are James Bond? I guess? Name it Licence to Kill. This one also makes it impossible to create a filthy ambiguity to it. Thanks a whole lot, MGM or whatever. Oh! If you’re a two-shot Scott (or Timothy, I guess) and can only do it twice with a chick before you pass her off to another, more handsome, and younger dude. Also name it that then.

If you’re into peeing on a girl’s face (also sick fuck), then you pretty much have to name it GoldenEye. Gross. More like “pinkeye in a day or two”. Maximum. You probably won’t be able to look at her in the eye for a while either. That’s a dark step.

If you fantasize about Teri Hatcher and then about Teri Hatcher being dead, name it Tomorrow Never Dies . Also if newspapers turn you on for some reason. I’m not sure what kind of philia that is and I’m not sure I want to know.

If you’re down for a little erotic asphyxiation, name it The World Is Not Enough. This only makes sense if you’ve seen the movie and if you have, you’ll find this apropos. It also applies if you’ve rubbed one out to Denise Richards, but let’s be honest, that covers like 3/4 of all mankind – past and present.

If you prefer to engage in delayed orgasm techniques, name it Die Another Day. See, because orgasm in French is “le petit mort” or “the Little Death” so if you ‘die’ another day, you’re cumming…later. You know what, I just murdered this joke. Moving on.

If you like being tied to a chair and having your nuts pounded with a length of knotted rope, you’re probably sterile by now. Also, name it Casino Royale.

If you fuck the pain away, just like Peaches, name it Quantum of Solace. It also works if you had a weird fetish for motor oil and fire.

If you come back after what some previous people called a weak sex and absolutely blow their minds, name it Skyfall

Now that those titles are done, it’s on to characters and such!

If you’re always full of surprises and like bringing new toys into the equation, name it Q.

If you love having sex and just don’t even care too much about the condition it is (quantity over quality), name it Pussy Galore.

If you have it bad for this one particular person but never manage to get quite close enough to seal the deal, name it Moneypenny. And God have mercy on your poor sex life.

If you just want a hilarious name, name it Albert R. Broccoli. You could do something here about it being green but…blech.

If you’ve got a Louisville Slugger swinging down by your knees, name it Plenty O’Toole. Heh. Tool.

Finally, if you’re just going to be a bragging asshole, call it what it is and name it Mr. Big.
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(We would like to stress that we don’t suggest any of these names for real, especially not the more distasteful ones. – ed.)

Speak for your damn self! I’m Mr. Big now and forever!

Halloween For Kids: Then and Now

Posted: October 31, 2012 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , ,

First off, all of our wonderful readers on Twitter need to follow @GrigorNR immediately. It’s an occasional dose of DECF compacted into 140 characters. Basically, it’s a free laugh. So…you know…do. Follow. The account. Yes.

…okay.

Halloween is a time for ghosts and ghouls, goblins and…um…gallavanting? I’m not sure where I was going with that. But the point is that it’s one of the most fun holidays of the year, particularly when you’re in college and drunk and all around you are just masses of dancing, writhing, walking slut-costumes. You could practically walk around a college frat party with your dick jutting proudly out like a royal sceptre and trip and fall into sex. You know…if you were so inclined.

But Halloween isn’t just for obscene amounts of alcohol consumption and promiscuity in the bathroom of a frat house with a ballerina. It’s also about the children. NOT making the children. The actual little crotch-spawns running around being all cute. But Halloween is different now than when old men like me were walking around in the cuteness. No, it has a…darker edge to it. Why don’t we just compare Halloween traditions from back when we were children to the way they are now, hm? Well…we’re going to do it anyways.
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Party Games
Then: Remember all the games that you would play at your school Halloween parties? You know, games like the spaghetti being brains and peeled grapes being eyeballs, bobbing for apples, cake walks…um…knife throwing. Maybe? The point is that they were all fun and could even be a little spooky. Which is nice.

Now: Yeah, spaghetti and grapes? Fuck that noise. When you put your hand into the bag and feel something cold and slimy and gross and you giggle because it’s fun to be grossed out but then you peer into the bag and, hey guess what, it’s actually a HUMAN BRAIN…welcome really fast to adulthood, kiddies.

Recess
Then: Hide and seek and tag and football with miniaturized sports stars and witches and the occasional Scream-face guy for those kids whose parents just didn’t really give a shit about them – you know the kid, the one that was allowed to watch any movie he wanted on TV, even the stuff on the dirty channels, so you went over to his house on weekends so you could glimpse just the occasional, first confusing attraction to softcore porno – all laughing and enjoying the cool, even cold, autumn air as the last vestiges of warmth are drawn away from the earth.

Now: Grim, silent plotting as the rival gangs of Princesses, Rap Stars, and Poor Kids divvy up the playground area into territories, laying down boundaries with Pixy Sticks and the corpses of kindergartners, clad in Power Rangers costumes, who ventured too far away from the safe area right next to the school. The further out the playground extends, the more lawless it becomes. The Outland is ruled by fifth-graders, surly and experimenting with the stolen bottle of apple schnapps one stole from his dad’s liquor cabinet. That way lies death for trespassers.

Costumes
Then: Adorable for girls, monstrous for boys. You would have pretty princesses, cute witches, little bunnies or puppies, fairies, and other forest creatures. You would have devils and knights and ghosts and spiders and that same weird kid with the Scream-mask and a muffled voice. It was tame.

Now: Slutty. Everything is slutty. Slutty princess. Slutty witch. Slutty bee. Slutty Michael Jackson. Slutty Twilight. Slutty Dora the Explorer. Slutty Iron Man. And no, I’m not talking at a frat party. I’m talking for kids. Once you’ve seen your third “Octomom’s Masturbation Video” costume, that’s the time to turn the lights off and drink.

Abuses
Then: Urban legends about razor blades shoved into apples or pixie sticks laced with poison. Parental caution to burgeon childhood fears just enough to make sure that the children remain safe and lusting over the chocolate until they can get home and have their parents check to make sure everything is safe (while taking their ten percent candy tax, the lazy criminal fucks).

Now: A child puts his hand into a candy bowl. Boom. Three days later they find his Master Chief helmet on the side of a highway in New Mexico, his head still in the helmet, the body about a mile away, raped and mutilated beyond recognition. Do not choose “trick”, kids. Don’t ever choose “trick”.

Trick or Treating
Then: Going door to door, knocking on the houses that have lights on. A kindly elderly couple answers the door and coos and gushes over how cute you are or how fearsome you are (depending on girl or boy). Then they would hand you a few pieces of bite-sized candy, you would thank them, and you’d be on your way. You would repeat this a few dozen times or more, depending on the size of your neighborhood. Your parents would be back on the street, keeping a watchful eye…or they would be drunk as a lord, depending on how long a day your dad had at work.

Now: Your parents carry you up to the door, knock sharply and, when the neighbor comes out, holds out the bucket, tells you to say trick or treat, then demands they drop it in and close the door. Halfway down the sidewalk, they start crying and hold you tight, commenting on how close they were to losing you and how much they hate this night. That’s when you smell the vodka on Daddy’s breath.

Scary Stories
Then: The hook in the car door. The lipstick message on the mirror. The ghostly passenger in the car. The monster in the woods. The weird neighbor next door. The disappearing naughty children. You know, all the crap that’s scary when you’re little but makes you laugh now. Like Large Marge. Okay, maybe not that because I still piss myself every time I hear that name.

Now: Student loans coming due. Mommy and Daddy are taking a break from each other. The babysitter with the roaming hands. The gym teacher that plays Tickle Monster at Penn State. The neighbor that you think is scary as hell because he’s quiet and bearded but then you find out he’s alright because he knocks out two home invaders that are going to cut you apart but then, oh wait, he fucks you and buries you in a shallow grave anyways. Womp womp.

Decorations
Then: Fake spider webs all over. Cute and funny (to old people) posters and cutout witches and Frankenstein’s monsters and vampires. Maybe a skull or two. The pumpkin out front, obviously. Maybe those fake gravestones and some spooky lighting if they’re a fucking overachiever, CATHY.

Now: The neighbor that, upon finding his wife cheating on him with his business partner, his son having sex with the left tackle of the football team, his daughter fucking the rest of the offensive line, his job being eliminated due to “cutbacks in fuck you, you’re fired”, his Nissan Sentra having been egged with the tires slashed, windows broken, and CD player stolen, and his dog dead of choking on a squirrel, hangs himself from the big fir tree in his front yard the afternoon of Halloween.

Carving Pumpkins
Then: A family affair, making silly faces (Mom), scary faces (Dad), a clown face (other Dad), a kitty face (Sis), a monster face (Bro), and a penis (You).

Now: All of them are penises, except for Other Dad, who makes the clown face still…just with a penis in its mouth. And Dad’s in his. Womp womp again.

Parade/March
Then: A joyous celebration of the Halloween spirit. All the kids at school would dress up in their best costumes and dance and cheer their way down Main Street. Parents and volunteers would toss candy at them, trying to reach their plastic pumpkin buckets. That one poor opportunistic kid acting as a street sweeper and grabbing ALL the candy that doesn’t quite make it to the buckets, biting the parents that try to get him to share.

Now: Seven hundred painted Jokers, Hulks, and Ice Queens marching in silent, determined, perfect lockstep down a barren Main Street, the joy of the holiday being lost as the inexorable Bataan Death March to oblivion commences with the size 7 children’s boots tramping down the faces of those volunteers pleading for mercy, though mercy will not come.
——
(Holy. Shit. THIS was a little dark, wouldn’t you say? – ed.)

Maybe.

(And what’s with all the child abuse jokes this time? – ed.)

What do you expect? It’s Halloween!

(Good point. – ed.)

Happy Halloween everyone! May your night be warm, your skies be clear, and may you not experience a naked dude coming to the door holding a bottle of whiskey and a ragged, sexually violated clown puppet!


We here at Dan Eats Cat Food are nothing if not helpful…so, really, many times we are nothing. But we’re here to make up for it. You see, upon going through the site statistics, we noticed something odd. The most popular article is, in fact, written by Pred3000. This, of course, cannot stand. I mean, really. He hasn’t posted an article in well over a year! Then again, to be fair, we’re only giving you an article about once a month and that’s only because we have to justify the cost somehow. Shut up about it. KT is an anxiety-riddled, depressive, incredibly sexually frustrated, and probably alcoholic grad student. He SHOULD be perfectly suited to being funny constantly because of that, we know. Basically, he’s just a lazy bastard. Where were we? Oh yeah. The article. Since we can’t allow the most popular article to go un-piggybacked on,we are going to present to you today a more informative and in-depth guide to masturbating to Internet pornography than that bastard did. We hope you enjoy and can make use of our…um…useful suggestions.
——
DO: Use the Internet to your advantage. It’s a wild, woolly, wonderful place full of literally quadrillions of ideas and thoughts and pictures and words being thrown around. This is the Golden Age of information transference and it is at your fingertips with the click of a button. You can go from researching the Fall of Rome by way of Norwegian black metal to reading a webcomic written and illustrated by some desu weirdo who likes drawing anthropomorphic leopards in leather pants kiss-fighting with a ficus in a bikini to watching a video about a cat firing a brick through a plate glass window and howling with laughter. Anything and everything you can dream of is there. Also there’s a whole lot of fucking that you can look at.

DON’T: Assume that because something is on the Internet that it is worth seeing. Remember, 50 Shades of Grey started as a Twilight fan fiction online. There but for the grace of God goes every single hardcore slash Gandalf/Harry Potter/Spongebob/Jabba the Hutt/Vishnu/Alec Baldwin fic out there.

DO: Sample the bounty of the Net. See what’s out there. Don’t be afraid to branch out. Maybe you come across a fetish you didn’t know about and have one of the most rocking-ass orgasms of your life. It’s possible! Not necessarily likely but possible. Who knows? You may actually enjoy watching a naked teenage anime chick being inflated like a balloon, being popped by a black man’s cock, and having mice come to eat her entrails. YOU might. I just kind of threw up. A lot.

DON’T: Be stupid about it. There are clearly areas to avoid. Horse porn. Maybe want to steer clear. Child porn. That’s a no-no in the bad place. The area where the underwear covers. Sex with bridges. You should not also rise. The aforementioned “inflationigrarumpebanturmuresextaphilia”. Even just putting that into a translator brought on the urps again. Damn you philiacs!

DO: Learn alternative ways of masturbation. Self-love is still a love life and you should switch it up to keep things fresh. If you’re always a southpaw (or a south-gnarled and withered claw), why not try pitching to Righty? Or on your knees? Or on your back? Hell, even the shower could be fun and you can clean your filthy,war-torn body afterwards. It’s a double duty dunker!

DON’T: Fuck your boxspring. Seriously. Don’t do it. You will never repair the damage an errant coil does to your dickskin.

DO: Use an aggregation website (you know the ones that are out there) to explore your tastes freely with relatively minor risk of viruses or random gay porn popping up and murdering your hard-on with great vengeance. They are free to use and have an incredibly expansive display to choose from. Just be careful not to Wiki-jump the different videos, especially the stuff with titles that are just random numbers and letters and/or are written in Spanish. Just…don’t do that. Save yourself a whole lot of terror-crying.

DON’T: Download those bullshit programs that some sites demand you use in order to…utilize their website. Fuck that noise. It just adds more clutter onto your PC and makes plausible deniability less likely down the road. Besides, if you are so desperate to download things, there are ways around every problem. I obviously don’t recommend or support those since they are the mark of low character, but I cast no such aspersions on the stoner dude down the hallway from your apartment that stays up until 4 in the morning listening to Rage Against the Machine, smoking pot and probably meth, and working on his anarchist’s manifesto. He can probably hook you up with some Debbie Does Six Day Laborers Behind the LA Fitness in South Central.

DO: Pay for porn when you can afford it. I know, I know. You just felt your heart seize a little. Let me explain. Paying for porn = more porn being made = more choices for you to make. And the cycle repeats. Also it’s someone’s career choice, you asshole, and nobody wants to fuck for free. Or so I’ve been told.

DON’T: Decide that, hey, this actress I jerk off to is on Twitter. I should Tweet her my dick! Stoppit. If you had people who wanted to see your cock, you wouldn’t be jerking off to Internet porn, would you? Leave her alone, get your Jergens’ and cry about yourself.

DO: Figure out what you like best and go wild with it. You like redheads (and who doesn’t?), you find every redhead video out there. You like big black girls taking it up the butt, go nuts. You like trannies rubbing each other with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and pouring white wine everywhere while La Vie Boheme plays? …try RedTube. That shit has everything.

DON’T: Become so well-versed in porn stars, their names, and their appearances that you can name them in polite conversation. If you’re talking about your pornographic tastes in public, there is something severely wrong with you in the head. Either that or you are playing a DANGEROUS gambit of which we can’t approve. If that is where your path is taking you, know that we cannot follow you.

DO: Finally understand that they are real people doing real, sometimes horrifying acts on camera for your amusement. They deserve your dignity, your money, your respect, and about five squirts of baby batter or so, depending on how long you’ve done. Bon appetit, horndogs.
——
(This was disgusting. – ed.)

You’re disgusting! HOOOOO!

(And we’re done here. – ed.)


Some of us just find out at different points in our lives that they are just careers that are…not quite for us. Some may be not up to our talent levels, some may be unsavory or embarrassing. And then some just…are a bad, bad idea. For example, you wouldn’t want someone who is naturally gifted athletically to try to take on computer programming. You wouldn’t want someone with social anxiety running for public office (wait…shit.). You wouldn’t want a politician to be a lion tamer…or maybe you would, depending on the politician.

The point is that there are careers where it just does not fit the personality involved. Case in point? I’m no longer allowed to teach sexual education in elementary schools…or anywhere, for that matter. Let me explain.

Sometimes in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to take a part-time job in order to stave off poverty, alcoholism, and a broken left wrist from bored masturbation. Say, a part-time job such as substitute teaching. Well, with my glowing resume bulging with qualifications, the school district I approached offered me my choice of three schools to sub at: the high school, the middle school, or the elementary school. Well, I declined the high school because the prospect of barely legal teenager girls becoming magnetically attracted to the AK-47 in my pants would just complicate matters. I turned down the middle school job as well because middle schoolers are basically walking, talking balls of hormones and insanity. That left me with one choice: the elementary school. That seemed relatively safe, I thought. I was, however, sadly unprepared.

You see, I managed to have the incredibly poor luck of substitute teaching on the day that the boys and girls are separated by gender and brought to the library or the gym and shown a little film designed to try to stave off the oncoming train of pain that is puberty. You all know the one and if you don’t, well…luck has smiled upon pre-teen you. Well, since the gym teacher was a female and I was taking the place of one of the fifth-grade English teachers, I was drafted (read: forced) into joining and helping out by the principal, one third-grade Science teacher (not a dude, by the way), and the janitor. For some reason. I’m not sure he was there as part of the help.

Anyways, the first half of the lesson was fine, albeit what you would expect. Fifth-grade boys giggling at the words ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ and ‘sex’ and then having the laughter stolen from their lives by the sight of a 1980s mother pushing a ten-pound bloody sack out of a hole the width of an iPod. You can tell which students have gone through the video because they walk around for the next two days with the thousand-yard-stare.

And then I made things worse.

You see, in a stunning display of unjustifiable bad judgment, the principal and other teacher decided to step out to grab some coffee and probably bang in the electrical room, leaving me alone with fifty already-traumatized ten year old boys. The janitor had already been forced to leave after making some sounds watching the video that were akin to a lion dying of cancer on a hot savannah with ants crawling up its ass. Thus, I had thirty minutes and a captive audience that was going to be receptive to everything I would say. This is, as we say, a really bad fucking idea.

To begin with, I explained what the class they were in at the moment really was – less “sex education” and more “This is what your penis will bring upon the world”.

I told them of just how much suffering and pain they would create through those potentially (in the future) four-to-ten inch skin snakes currently tucked into their Spiderman briefs. I spoke to them of the all-consuming fire that would rage through them when some spurned lover or sadistic band geek would knock their dangling sack back up into their lower intestines. And I explained to them just how much power their scepters would allow them to wield, were they only man enough to grab hold of it. The power, not the penis. Well, maybe both.

I would rewind the tape and pause it at the worst possible frame and just let it sit and stare at them, the Eye of Sauron burning into their souls, as I screamed at them: “Boys, this woman is in agonizing pain and you know who caused it? YOU. You did this! WITH YOUR PENIS! Your penis entered her and brought her into this unimaginable agony! SHE IS BEING RIPPED ASUNDER BECAUSE OF YOUR INEPTITUDE!”

The baby would come out and they would scream in terror again. Rewind, fast-forward, and repeat. The horror of seeing a full bush suck a howling blood monkey back into it like some sort of primordial gaping maw cannot be overstated. After a while, it almost became comical and the urge to play Yakety Sax during the thing was nigh unstoppable. Of course, then the placenta came out and it was game over.

After about ten minutes of that, I decided to finish up my time with them by explaining to them the process of sex, pregnancy, and birth. I can actually recall the exact wording because apparently security footage has improved to the point where subtitles exist.

“This entire process begins when you engage in the act of sexual intercourse. Nobody can really TELL you what sex is, but I shall endeavor to try to explain it. When a man loves someone or simply just feels the biological impulse to blow a load of genetic material from his scrotum, he engages in sex with the woman. Or man. Or transvestite. Or even his hands or a Ziploc bag full of water placed between the mattress and box spring of his bed. Anyways. There are many various ways to approach the act of love, such as [from this point, I spent about ten minutes listing all the ways to fuck – ALL of the ways]. Inevitably, something will happen and a mistake will be made. The condom may break – a condom being a piece of rubber you tie around your junk like a bowtie to make it all fancy, or the pill may fail – the pill being ecstasy, a powerful hallucinogen, or you may just be drunk and say “Eh, fuck it. Chance.”. When this mistake happens, those little Phelpsians nestled in that bean bag will explode into her with the force of a neutron bomb. The sperm, as they are called, will accelerate towards her uterus (her balls in her belly) at a speed of well over a thousand miles per hour. They will strike the uterus and explode, sending genetic shrapnel throughout her vagina. One of those shards may even fly far enough up into her to lodge itself in one of her eggs, since women contain chicken, as you well know. Once lodged in the egg, it downloads a computer virus that infects the egg, turning it into a self-replicating human, You will instantly know the next day if she is in the state called ‘pregnant’ because she will violently vomit when either smelling or viewing certain things, none of which you can know until it is too late, a cruel trick. This period lasts for about three months.Now, once the pregnant woman has reached the second cycle, the sun god Ra will come to you in the form of ’78 Buick and demand it as a sacrifice. However, you can appease his bloodlust with a sacrificial steak and eggs breakfast instead, the food symbolizing the merging of male and female. After a period of approximately nine months, a gong will sound from inside the woman, signifying the onset of the final process. I won’t spoil it for you here but suffice to say, there’s a lot of angry driving and police work involved. Any questions?”

It was about that time that the principal, teachers, and security burst into the room, grabbing me by the arms and legs and forcibly ejecting me from the window of the school, told never to return on pain of actual death. Seriously. They showed me the gun they would use to end my life.

I got paid pretty well though so…that was a plus.
——
(That was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever read. – ed.)

We both know that’s not true.

(Well…I did have to read Twilight on a dare once. – ed.)

There you go! Deuces yo!


I’m not exactly the kind of person that one would call “up to date” on trends. I don’t wear skinny jeans, listen to pop music, or understand the appeal of why the hell anyone would produce a movie detailing the life of a current pop star. The world doesn’t need more movies about Katy Perry or Justin Bieber or, God forbid it happen, Ke(dollar sign)ha. I actually include the “never happening” of that last one in my prayers every night. I do wonder about the title though. “Memoirs of a Drunken Whore” sounds pretty good. It doesn’t quite cover it though. Maybe “My ‘Music’Sounds Like A Seagull Being Strangled To Dubstep But I’ll Blow You In The Alley Behind Starbucks For A Mocha Latte And A Gram Of Coke So You May As Well Love Me”. That’s better.

Anyways, the reason I mention this is because I don’t understand one damn bit why that crapsack of mutilated paper pulp known as ’50 Shades of Grey’ is so damn popular. All I DO know is that its existence and popularity means I get to write a follow-up piece to the wildly successful (well, relatively) article about Twilight. It’s the Golden Age of mockery and sarcasm, I tell you what. Regardless of how great things are as a comedy writer, I could always use some extra cash to line my pockets with pornography, alcohol, and bootleg Joss Whedon DVDs. Thus, I am resolved to write chick porn using 50 Shades of Shit…I mean, Grey…as a barometer. And as a bonus? I’ll explain to YOU how to do it too.
——
First, as in last time, murder any thoughts you have about being a respectable or even literate writer. You aren’t going to be writing for the elite, the well-read, the academics. You are barely going to be writing for middle schoolers reading at a college level. You are writing for lonely, bored, horny housewives, teenagers, and bored talk show hosts. Having it have a legitimate, engrossing plot is kind of like adding parsley, fine china, and a glass of wine to spice up the presentation of a steaming horse dump. Focus more of your time on how you can use the medium to create the most filthy, degrading situation possible while still maintaining a semblance of respectability. Think “upgraded fan fiction” because, let’s face it, that 50 Shades garbage is literally that. It can’t hurt to be a fan fic writer either. Anyone who writes that has a throbbing tumor called “I hate literature” inside their heart and uses it to crap out “ships” of any potential character pairings under the sun. Don’t get me started on fan fic.

Next, decide what you want your main characters to do. Oh. That’s right. You want them to fuck. The rest is just gravy. Cool. Check that off.

After that, figure out what your characters are named. If you’re writing chick porn, this will take up a solid 80% of your work time on the “book”. You can’t name them something like Amy Jones and John Smith. Those are boring names, names of IRS agents and middle management candidates. Likewise, you can’t use names like Jagatha Messy and Hondo Awesome. Nobody is going to take you seriously (let’s be honest, they won’t anyways but I digress) if you write ‘Hondo and Jagatha boned like archaeologists on top of Hondo’s 1997 Chevy Pylon’ or whatever. You need to create dark and steamy names, like Vanessa St. John and Juan Carlos Fancypants…I mean, Trenton Green. If it sounds like it could conceivably be a porn star but only in one of those high class X-Art ones (as opposed to, say, Gaping Assholes 8), you’ve hit the sweet spot. And so will your readers…if you get what I’m saying. I’m saying that they will play with themselves.

Naturally, take into account the audience while describing the characters. Naturally, the protagonist must be a legal-aged girl, probably a fresh-faced college student or even right after graduating. She has to be shy and naive, with no more sexual experience than a half-hearted handjob in the back of a Denny’s kitchen. Obviously, she must be a virgin. She has to have no confidence in herself and see herself as a plain, unassuming wallflower. Basically, if you do a copy/paste of every garden variety Twilight knockoff bullshit, you’ll have it down. And the man must be tall, strikingly handsome, broad-shouldered, and brooding, with impeccable taste in clothes, a high-paying job, no current relationship to speak of, and miraculously well-endowed. Of course, he has to be irresistibly attracted to the protagonist and, by proxy, the reader. I swear to God, this shit is like porn had a retarded baby with a chick flick. It’s like Naughty America banged 27 Dresses or some shit like that.

Also, since you’re writing porn for girls, which is much more about the experience than the actual act, you need to use euphemisms to describe what is happening. You can’t go too clinical, since “He placed his penis inside her vagina and performed intercourse until they both achieved orgasm”. Yes, that may be what happened but…snore. You also can’t really go too vulgar, since that can be a turnoff. “He fucked her cunt with his dick until they both came” also describes what happened but it’s so…inelegant. And yes, that is a concern of yours. Instead, use lines like “Trenton teased her gently opening flower with his turgid manhood. Vanessa felt her nethers quiver with excitement and, as he pushed her open, she felt herself becoming filled with an almost holy sensation. They began to merge as only lovers can and (yadda yadda yadda) they both felt a surge of heat as they crested at the height of their passion and fell to the bed, a tangle of limbs and satisfaction.” THAT is what gets the housewife tang all stirred up.

Since this is apparently the trend, don’t be scared to introduce some ‘taboo’ elements to the sex. 50 Shades decided to dive into the BDSM lifestyle (wrongly, I’ve heard) with the main dude apparently beating the crap out of the girl? I don’t know, I haven’t read it. So that’s right out. Since you want to distinguish yourself from the soon-to-be-arriving herd of copycats, why not take things to the logical extreme? Instead of spanking and handcuffs, try watersports and bloodplay. Instead of contracts and submission, have the girl take a dump on a glass coffee table. Make your characters have the kind of sex that even Max Hardcore would call “a bit too extreme”. End the series with snuff. You know you want to.

Lastly, after it naturally takes off and becomes a poorly-hidden dirty pleasure for soccer moms across the world, hang yourself with a shower curtain. That way, your poison and evil can’t infect the world with sequels, PLUS your faithful readers will call it a fitting way to leave this world. Win-fucking-win.

——
(You really have a problem with popular lit these days, huh? – ed.)

No. I have a problem with literal fan fiction and its metamorphosis into something considered worthy of publication. I have a problem with crap like Twilight and 50 Shades becoming popular while real writers struggle to make ends meet. I have a problem with the increased retardation of the next generation. You are going to have twelve-year-olds choking each other with a belt within six months. Mark my words. These are the End of Days.

(…a bit dramatic, wouldn’t you say? – ed.)

There is no such thing as too dramatic, Ed. Not while evil reigns. I need a drink.

(You always do. Goodnight, everyone. – ed.)


We apologize for the month between each article. What with packing and moving twice and visiting the place that KT is going to live and handling a breakup with the [insert typical vicious derogatory term here], the ability to be funny is waning quite a lot. However, one thing we have not done in a while that always brings the funny is to go into our search terms to see what depravity brings people to this website. And let us tell you…the people who link here are messed up in the brain. Please enjoy the fifth installment of what can charitably be called the most long-running series on this site.
——
why do teenage girls become wayward?: I would assume that it’s because teenage girls are a discontinued lipgloss flavor away from a complete psychological meltdown at every single point in the day.

they are you antsy furniture ny and my bro mass of hudson mass: If I could even decipher this, I would attempt to answer it. As it stands right now, the best I can interpret this as is someone from the northeast region of the US being an absolute retard, not like it takes a whole lot.

sloopy titts videos: Sloopy titts? I could understand ‘sloppy tits’ but sloopy tits is more along the lines of asking if I know where to buy a small boat and how to rename it…with videos.

petroleum vodka: Grigor isn’t dead!

“dick into emma watson”: I really hope this happened after she was eighteen. Actually, if I’m being honest, I was really hoping this wouldn’t be a search term at all. Although at this point, Emma Watson would kind of be like winning a gold medal after missing out on the Special Olympics. Or is that too harsh?

gay boy dan eats gas: What. The. Fuck. Is. This. There is so, SO much wrong with this search term that I just frankly don’t want to know about.

anal beads cereal: Quick! To the patent office!

skyrim one arm bigger than the other: The funniest part about this one isn’t that it’s probably referring to the Skyrim characters being Self-Pleasure Geniuses, but the fact that this particular search – with different phrasing – appears no less than FIVE MORE TIMES in the search records for this site. Apparently, we are the top of the top with Skyrim masturbators. I’m…proud?

how to write like a girl teenager: At first look, this appears pretty innocuous. If you read into it, though, it sounds more like a ephebophile looking to pick up some tips to prey on innocent young…I assume boys but who the hell knows with those freaks?

how to make something for marsturbating rough: The insistence on rough masturbation troubles me. I don’t know why my readers apparently hate their dicks but it’s common enough to be a relatively normal search term. Let me be clear: do not rip up your penis with rough jacking off.

how to fuck my wife in skyrim: Again, not an uncommon search term. I got a ‘bang my wife’ one with this as well. Apparently, there are guys out there that really want to have virtual sex with video game characters. But then again, I can’t really judge since my porn library at this point rivals the Library of Congress.

instantmonkeysonline: HOW IS THIS A NEED?!

wayward prayer teenage girl This is getting a little strange. The wayward thing is apparently more of a fetish than I was aware of.

pornstar nan binya: I know Priya Anjali Rai if that makes you feel any better…Nan Binya is a stranger to me.

mighty morphin power rangers monsters who eat the power rangers: If this had happened, don’t you think that the (apparently) King of P.R. trivia would have known about it? No, I don’t think that happened. No, I don’t think you’re okay for asking about it.

sex eating cat song: Is this trying to relate eating cats and sex? Or is it about eating sex and is sung by cats? There is so much that this asks.

saints katrina bullshit: Ah, Colts fans.

“abortion session” fucked: …I don’t even know what to say about this one except that I’m disturbed. Is this talking about after-abortion sex? I really hope not…

nuttin bitch cereal picture: I cannot even explain how badly I want to see this picture they are asking about. I don’t know if they mean the cereal is called ‘Nuttin Bitch’ or what…it’s hilarious to think about though.

jani lane memorabilia near boston: This is very specific. Also, it’s incredibly morbid. At least they aren’t wanting to get his skin or something.

scorpions song beginning with horns: There’s a song that Scorpions did with brass? Am I going to fall in love with them more or is this a lie?

metal baby in the womb: I know this probably refers to what the article was about with the baby that loves metal music but it’s funnier to think of like a plate-metal baby sitting and gestating, occasionally sending off electrical sparks as it floats.

baby eats metal: Okay, I take that back. This is a whole lot funnier.

cartoon video where bin laden is killed by a sniper and pissed on by superfly: This was about the point that I started laughing so hard that a little bit of pee may or may not have come out. This is possibly the best and/or funniest search term that has ever brought people to this site.

eat the pussy up, thanksgiving! like marvin ya body need some sexual healing: I literally couldn’t think for a couple minutes after this one from laughing. I love that this site is now associated with not only rap music but shitty rap music at that. God bless America.

natalie portman yeah i had a baby but im still crazy so show my ass respect cause i make that fucking gravy: This has to be something off of The Lonely Island. I’m going to assume it was the 100th clip of all of that. That’s the only explanation.

dangerrers++big+ass: I think I just need to blame this one on one of those bot searches otherwise…no, I can’t actually think of a reason this would fit for here.

true blue test cat food.cob antelope: It started out okay, like perhaps looking for an obscure brand of cat food. Then it hit antelope and it all went off the rails badly.

erotic story pregnant woman crying in bathroom comforted by brother towel falls he’s erect they have sex:…is there really even any need for my site after this? I mean, it’s pretty clear what is being searched for and is also pretty clear that I’m not really okay with it and the specificity.

i fucked an asian milf at the venetian in vegas last weekend: Cool story, bro. Are you just bragging or looking to find someone to commiserate with?

he who laughs last probably has an extra chromosome: I’m not even going to lie. I love this joke. It makes me laugh every time. I hate myself.

pink ranger kim fucked by alpha: This one actually made me wave my hands in the air in shock and confusion. Out of anyone in the Power Rangers canon, you want to see the ROBOT fucking her? You couldn’t pick the black guy or the gay one?

“go for the balls” friend: That’s not a great friend.

skyrim girl argonian fucking a boy dragon pics: And now we’re getting stuck with furries. Awesome. That’s totally what I want associated with my site. I’d rather they just kill themselves (along with a certain other person) and leave room for the nubile barely-legal redheads flooding to the site.

st helens sluts: Does this exist? I really want to know. Are there people that get all hot and bothered over volcanoes?

f-valium sterilization food.com: Annnnnnnd now we’re picking up the conspiracy theorists as well. Fantastic. We’re a racial separatist away from a bingo.

-=8[flr.skrrkk: Awesome. Someone had a seizure and died and it just happened to lead them here. Hope you enjoyed your stay, brief as it was!

cousin’s cousin eats cat at home sex videos: Come on now. The cousin-fucking was the main thing here. You can try to mask it with cat eating all you want but we all know what you’re here for. Also, we’re not interested.

http://www.toilet eats the food sex: I’m starting to sense a trend and it’s the worrying combination of food, sex, and toilet humor. No, wait, that’s the site itself, really.

“red dress” morgan freeman oscars cleavage 2012: What in the HELL? How do you mix up Morgan Freeman and Anne Hathaway? I shiver at the thought.

what vhappens when its you first felony and get busted with 8 ball of cocain?: Well, what happens is you go to jail for like ten years. And then your asshole gets raped by big, mean bikers. Hopefully somewhere in that period gives you time to learn how to spell correctly. Enjoy the buttsex!

racism kama sutra: This made me giggle a lot. The Kama Sutra is kind of the antithesis of racists, although you could make awful names for sex positions like the Hanging [insert racial epithet here] or something like that. No, I’m not proud of that joke. Yes, I’m a little uncomfortable with it.

toons 18 mighty morphin power rangers pond sex fuck: Most of this I can understand. It’s the word ‘pond’ that confuses me. Does it mean that the person searching can’t get off to Power Ranger sex if it doesn’t take place on or near a landlocked body of water? Do they need ducks quacking to stimulate them? Are frogs making it more kinky? I don’t know!

you fapping’ muppet you why i oughta: Yep, those are the people that come to this site. Sorry for the ripoff, Bill Simmons.
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That actually makes me a little sad. People are so messed up. But hey, traffic is traffic so…come one, come all, come at the same time you freaks. DECF is here to serve your needs!