Posts Tagged ‘Pedophilia’

Halloween For Kids: Then and Now

Posted: October 31, 2012 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , ,

First off, all of our wonderful readers on Twitter need to follow @GrigorNR immediately. It’s an occasional dose of DECF compacted into 140 characters. Basically, it’s a free laugh. So…you know…do. Follow. The account. Yes.

…okay.

Halloween is a time for ghosts and ghouls, goblins and…um…gallavanting? I’m not sure where I was going with that. But the point is that it’s one of the most fun holidays of the year, particularly when you’re in college and drunk and all around you are just masses of dancing, writhing, walking slut-costumes. You could practically walk around a college frat party with your dick jutting proudly out like a royal sceptre and trip and fall into sex. You know…if you were so inclined.

But Halloween isn’t just for obscene amounts of alcohol consumption and promiscuity in the bathroom of a frat house with a ballerina. It’s also about the children. NOT making the children. The actual little crotch-spawns running around being all cute. But Halloween is different now than when old men like me were walking around in the cuteness. No, it has a…darker edge to it. Why don’t we just compare Halloween traditions from back when we were children to the way they are now, hm? Well…we’re going to do it anyways.
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Party Games
Then: Remember all the games that you would play at your school Halloween parties? You know, games like the spaghetti being brains and peeled grapes being eyeballs, bobbing for apples, cake walks…um…knife throwing. Maybe? The point is that they were all fun and could even be a little spooky. Which is nice.

Now: Yeah, spaghetti and grapes? Fuck that noise. When you put your hand into the bag and feel something cold and slimy and gross and you giggle because it’s fun to be grossed out but then you peer into the bag and, hey guess what, it’s actually a HUMAN BRAIN…welcome really fast to adulthood, kiddies.

Recess
Then: Hide and seek and tag and football with miniaturized sports stars and witches and the occasional Scream-face guy for those kids whose parents just didn’t really give a shit about them – you know the kid, the one that was allowed to watch any movie he wanted on TV, even the stuff on the dirty channels, so you went over to his house on weekends so you could glimpse just the occasional, first confusing attraction to softcore porno – all laughing and enjoying the cool, even cold, autumn air as the last vestiges of warmth are drawn away from the earth.

Now: Grim, silent plotting as the rival gangs of Princesses, Rap Stars, and Poor Kids divvy up the playground area into territories, laying down boundaries with Pixy Sticks and the corpses of kindergartners, clad in Power Rangers costumes, who ventured too far away from the safe area right next to the school. The further out the playground extends, the more lawless it becomes. The Outland is ruled by fifth-graders, surly and experimenting with the stolen bottle of apple schnapps one stole from his dad’s liquor cabinet. That way lies death for trespassers.

Costumes
Then: Adorable for girls, monstrous for boys. You would have pretty princesses, cute witches, little bunnies or puppies, fairies, and other forest creatures. You would have devils and knights and ghosts and spiders and that same weird kid with the Scream-mask and a muffled voice. It was tame.

Now: Slutty. Everything is slutty. Slutty princess. Slutty witch. Slutty bee. Slutty Michael Jackson. Slutty Twilight. Slutty Dora the Explorer. Slutty Iron Man. And no, I’m not talking at a frat party. I’m talking for kids. Once you’ve seen your third “Octomom’s Masturbation Video” costume, that’s the time to turn the lights off and drink.

Abuses
Then: Urban legends about razor blades shoved into apples or pixie sticks laced with poison. Parental caution to burgeon childhood fears just enough to make sure that the children remain safe and lusting over the chocolate until they can get home and have their parents check to make sure everything is safe (while taking their ten percent candy tax, the lazy criminal fucks).

Now: A child puts his hand into a candy bowl. Boom. Three days later they find his Master Chief helmet on the side of a highway in New Mexico, his head still in the helmet, the body about a mile away, raped and mutilated beyond recognition. Do not choose “trick”, kids. Don’t ever choose “trick”.

Trick or Treating
Then: Going door to door, knocking on the houses that have lights on. A kindly elderly couple answers the door and coos and gushes over how cute you are or how fearsome you are (depending on girl or boy). Then they would hand you a few pieces of bite-sized candy, you would thank them, and you’d be on your way. You would repeat this a few dozen times or more, depending on the size of your neighborhood. Your parents would be back on the street, keeping a watchful eye…or they would be drunk as a lord, depending on how long a day your dad had at work.

Now: Your parents carry you up to the door, knock sharply and, when the neighbor comes out, holds out the bucket, tells you to say trick or treat, then demands they drop it in and close the door. Halfway down the sidewalk, they start crying and hold you tight, commenting on how close they were to losing you and how much they hate this night. That’s when you smell the vodka on Daddy’s breath.

Scary Stories
Then: The hook in the car door. The lipstick message on the mirror. The ghostly passenger in the car. The monster in the woods. The weird neighbor next door. The disappearing naughty children. You know, all the crap that’s scary when you’re little but makes you laugh now. Like Large Marge. Okay, maybe not that because I still piss myself every time I hear that name.

Now: Student loans coming due. Mommy and Daddy are taking a break from each other. The babysitter with the roaming hands. The gym teacher that plays Tickle Monster at Penn State. The neighbor that you think is scary as hell because he’s quiet and bearded but then you find out he’s alright because he knocks out two home invaders that are going to cut you apart but then, oh wait, he fucks you and buries you in a shallow grave anyways. Womp womp.

Decorations
Then: Fake spider webs all over. Cute and funny (to old people) posters and cutout witches and Frankenstein’s monsters and vampires. Maybe a skull or two. The pumpkin out front, obviously. Maybe those fake gravestones and some spooky lighting if they’re a fucking overachiever, CATHY.

Now: The neighbor that, upon finding his wife cheating on him with his business partner, his son having sex with the left tackle of the football team, his daughter fucking the rest of the offensive line, his job being eliminated due to “cutbacks in fuck you, you’re fired”, his Nissan Sentra having been egged with the tires slashed, windows broken, and CD player stolen, and his dog dead of choking on a squirrel, hangs himself from the big fir tree in his front yard the afternoon of Halloween.

Carving Pumpkins
Then: A family affair, making silly faces (Mom), scary faces (Dad), a clown face (other Dad), a kitty face (Sis), a monster face (Bro), and a penis (You).

Now: All of them are penises, except for Other Dad, who makes the clown face still…just with a penis in its mouth. And Dad’s in his. Womp womp again.

Parade/March
Then: A joyous celebration of the Halloween spirit. All the kids at school would dress up in their best costumes and dance and cheer their way down Main Street. Parents and volunteers would toss candy at them, trying to reach their plastic pumpkin buckets. That one poor opportunistic kid acting as a street sweeper and grabbing ALL the candy that doesn’t quite make it to the buckets, biting the parents that try to get him to share.

Now: Seven hundred painted Jokers, Hulks, and Ice Queens marching in silent, determined, perfect lockstep down a barren Main Street, the joy of the holiday being lost as the inexorable Bataan Death March to oblivion commences with the size 7 children’s boots tramping down the faces of those volunteers pleading for mercy, though mercy will not come.
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(Holy. Shit. THIS was a little dark, wouldn’t you say? – ed.)

Maybe.

(And what’s with all the child abuse jokes this time? – ed.)

What do you expect? It’s Halloween!

(Good point. – ed.)

Happy Halloween everyone! May your night be warm, your skies be clear, and may you not experience a naked dude coming to the door holding a bottle of whiskey and a ragged, sexually violated clown puppet!


We here at Dan Eats Cat Food are nothing if not helpful…so, really, many times we are nothing. But we’re here to make up for it. You see, upon going through the site statistics, we noticed something odd. The most popular article is, in fact, written by Pred3000. This, of course, cannot stand. I mean, really. He hasn’t posted an article in well over a year! Then again, to be fair, we’re only giving you an article about once a month and that’s only because we have to justify the cost somehow. Shut up about it. KT is an anxiety-riddled, depressive, incredibly sexually frustrated, and probably alcoholic grad student. He SHOULD be perfectly suited to being funny constantly because of that, we know. Basically, he’s just a lazy bastard. Where were we? Oh yeah. The article. Since we can’t allow the most popular article to go un-piggybacked on,we are going to present to you today a more informative and in-depth guide to masturbating to Internet pornography than that bastard did. We hope you enjoy and can make use of our…um…useful suggestions.
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DO: Use the Internet to your advantage. It’s a wild, woolly, wonderful place full of literally quadrillions of ideas and thoughts and pictures and words being thrown around. This is the Golden Age of information transference and it is at your fingertips with the click of a button. You can go from researching the Fall of Rome by way of Norwegian black metal to reading a webcomic written and illustrated by some desu weirdo who likes drawing anthropomorphic leopards in leather pants kiss-fighting with a ficus in a bikini to watching a video about a cat firing a brick through a plate glass window and howling with laughter. Anything and everything you can dream of is there. Also there’s a whole lot of fucking that you can look at.

DON’T: Assume that because something is on the Internet that it is worth seeing. Remember, 50 Shades of Grey started as a Twilight fan fiction online. There but for the grace of God goes every single hardcore slash Gandalf/Harry Potter/Spongebob/Jabba the Hutt/Vishnu/Alec Baldwin fic out there.

DO: Sample the bounty of the Net. See what’s out there. Don’t be afraid to branch out. Maybe you come across a fetish you didn’t know about and have one of the most rocking-ass orgasms of your life. It’s possible! Not necessarily likely but possible. Who knows? You may actually enjoy watching a naked teenage anime chick being inflated like a balloon, being popped by a black man’s cock, and having mice come to eat her entrails. YOU might. I just kind of threw up. A lot.

DON’T: Be stupid about it. There are clearly areas to avoid. Horse porn. Maybe want to steer clear. Child porn. That’s a no-no in the bad place. The area where the underwear covers. Sex with bridges. You should not also rise. The aforementioned “inflationigrarumpebanturmuresextaphilia”. Even just putting that into a translator brought on the urps again. Damn you philiacs!

DO: Learn alternative ways of masturbation. Self-love is still a love life and you should switch it up to keep things fresh. If you’re always a southpaw (or a south-gnarled and withered claw), why not try pitching to Righty? Or on your knees? Or on your back? Hell, even the shower could be fun and you can clean your filthy,war-torn body afterwards. It’s a double duty dunker!

DON’T: Fuck your boxspring. Seriously. Don’t do it. You will never repair the damage an errant coil does to your dickskin.

DO: Use an aggregation website (you know the ones that are out there) to explore your tastes freely with relatively minor risk of viruses or random gay porn popping up and murdering your hard-on with great vengeance. They are free to use and have an incredibly expansive display to choose from. Just be careful not to Wiki-jump the different videos, especially the stuff with titles that are just random numbers and letters and/or are written in Spanish. Just…don’t do that. Save yourself a whole lot of terror-crying.

DON’T: Download those bullshit programs that some sites demand you use in order to…utilize their website. Fuck that noise. It just adds more clutter onto your PC and makes plausible deniability less likely down the road. Besides, if you are so desperate to download things, there are ways around every problem. I obviously don’t recommend or support those since they are the mark of low character, but I cast no such aspersions on the stoner dude down the hallway from your apartment that stays up until 4 in the morning listening to Rage Against the Machine, smoking pot and probably meth, and working on his anarchist’s manifesto. He can probably hook you up with some Debbie Does Six Day Laborers Behind the LA Fitness in South Central.

DO: Pay for porn when you can afford it. I know, I know. You just felt your heart seize a little. Let me explain. Paying for porn = more porn being made = more choices for you to make. And the cycle repeats. Also it’s someone’s career choice, you asshole, and nobody wants to fuck for free. Or so I’ve been told.

DON’T: Decide that, hey, this actress I jerk off to is on Twitter. I should Tweet her my dick! Stoppit. If you had people who wanted to see your cock, you wouldn’t be jerking off to Internet porn, would you? Leave her alone, get your Jergens’ and cry about yourself.

DO: Figure out what you like best and go wild with it. You like redheads (and who doesn’t?), you find every redhead video out there. You like big black girls taking it up the butt, go nuts. You like trannies rubbing each other with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and pouring white wine everywhere while La Vie Boheme plays? …try RedTube. That shit has everything.

DON’T: Become so well-versed in porn stars, their names, and their appearances that you can name them in polite conversation. If you’re talking about your pornographic tastes in public, there is something severely wrong with you in the head. Either that or you are playing a DANGEROUS gambit of which we can’t approve. If that is where your path is taking you, know that we cannot follow you.

DO: Finally understand that they are real people doing real, sometimes horrifying acts on camera for your amusement. They deserve your dignity, your money, your respect, and about five squirts of baby batter or so, depending on how long you’ve done. Bon appetit, horndogs.
——
(This was disgusting. – ed.)

You’re disgusting! HOOOOO!

(And we’re done here. – ed.)


We apologize for the month between each article. What with packing and moving twice and visiting the place that KT is going to live and handling a breakup with the [insert typical vicious derogatory term here], the ability to be funny is waning quite a lot. However, one thing we have not done in a while that always brings the funny is to go into our search terms to see what depravity brings people to this website. And let us tell you…the people who link here are messed up in the brain. Please enjoy the fifth installment of what can charitably be called the most long-running series on this site.
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why do teenage girls become wayward?: I would assume that it’s because teenage girls are a discontinued lipgloss flavor away from a complete psychological meltdown at every single point in the day.

they are you antsy furniture ny and my bro mass of hudson mass: If I could even decipher this, I would attempt to answer it. As it stands right now, the best I can interpret this as is someone from the northeast region of the US being an absolute retard, not like it takes a whole lot.

sloopy titts videos: Sloopy titts? I could understand ‘sloppy tits’ but sloopy tits is more along the lines of asking if I know where to buy a small boat and how to rename it…with videos.

petroleum vodka: Grigor isn’t dead!

“dick into emma watson”: I really hope this happened after she was eighteen. Actually, if I’m being honest, I was really hoping this wouldn’t be a search term at all. Although at this point, Emma Watson would kind of be like winning a gold medal after missing out on the Special Olympics. Or is that too harsh?

gay boy dan eats gas: What. The. Fuck. Is. This. There is so, SO much wrong with this search term that I just frankly don’t want to know about.

anal beads cereal: Quick! To the patent office!

skyrim one arm bigger than the other: The funniest part about this one isn’t that it’s probably referring to the Skyrim characters being Self-Pleasure Geniuses, but the fact that this particular search – with different phrasing – appears no less than FIVE MORE TIMES in the search records for this site. Apparently, we are the top of the top with Skyrim masturbators. I’m…proud?

how to write like a girl teenager: At first look, this appears pretty innocuous. If you read into it, though, it sounds more like a ephebophile looking to pick up some tips to prey on innocent young…I assume boys but who the hell knows with those freaks?

how to make something for marsturbating rough: The insistence on rough masturbation troubles me. I don’t know why my readers apparently hate their dicks but it’s common enough to be a relatively normal search term. Let me be clear: do not rip up your penis with rough jacking off.

how to fuck my wife in skyrim: Again, not an uncommon search term. I got a ‘bang my wife’ one with this as well. Apparently, there are guys out there that really want to have virtual sex with video game characters. But then again, I can’t really judge since my porn library at this point rivals the Library of Congress.

instantmonkeysonline: HOW IS THIS A NEED?!

wayward prayer teenage girl This is getting a little strange. The wayward thing is apparently more of a fetish than I was aware of.

pornstar nan binya: I know Priya Anjali Rai if that makes you feel any better…Nan Binya is a stranger to me.

mighty morphin power rangers monsters who eat the power rangers: If this had happened, don’t you think that the (apparently) King of P.R. trivia would have known about it? No, I don’t think that happened. No, I don’t think you’re okay for asking about it.

sex eating cat song: Is this trying to relate eating cats and sex? Or is it about eating sex and is sung by cats? There is so much that this asks.

saints katrina bullshit: Ah, Colts fans.

“abortion session” fucked: …I don’t even know what to say about this one except that I’m disturbed. Is this talking about after-abortion sex? I really hope not…

nuttin bitch cereal picture: I cannot even explain how badly I want to see this picture they are asking about. I don’t know if they mean the cereal is called ‘Nuttin Bitch’ or what…it’s hilarious to think about though.

jani lane memorabilia near boston: This is very specific. Also, it’s incredibly morbid. At least they aren’t wanting to get his skin or something.

scorpions song beginning with horns: There’s a song that Scorpions did with brass? Am I going to fall in love with them more or is this a lie?

metal baby in the womb: I know this probably refers to what the article was about with the baby that loves metal music but it’s funnier to think of like a plate-metal baby sitting and gestating, occasionally sending off electrical sparks as it floats.

baby eats metal: Okay, I take that back. This is a whole lot funnier.

cartoon video where bin laden is killed by a sniper and pissed on by superfly: This was about the point that I started laughing so hard that a little bit of pee may or may not have come out. This is possibly the best and/or funniest search term that has ever brought people to this site.

eat the pussy up, thanksgiving! like marvin ya body need some sexual healing: I literally couldn’t think for a couple minutes after this one from laughing. I love that this site is now associated with not only rap music but shitty rap music at that. God bless America.

natalie portman yeah i had a baby but im still crazy so show my ass respect cause i make that fucking gravy: This has to be something off of The Lonely Island. I’m going to assume it was the 100th clip of all of that. That’s the only explanation.

dangerrers++big+ass: I think I just need to blame this one on one of those bot searches otherwise…no, I can’t actually think of a reason this would fit for here.

true blue test cat food.cob antelope: It started out okay, like perhaps looking for an obscure brand of cat food. Then it hit antelope and it all went off the rails badly.

erotic story pregnant woman crying in bathroom comforted by brother towel falls he’s erect they have sex:…is there really even any need for my site after this? I mean, it’s pretty clear what is being searched for and is also pretty clear that I’m not really okay with it and the specificity.

i fucked an asian milf at the venetian in vegas last weekend: Cool story, bro. Are you just bragging or looking to find someone to commiserate with?

he who laughs last probably has an extra chromosome: I’m not even going to lie. I love this joke. It makes me laugh every time. I hate myself.

pink ranger kim fucked by alpha: This one actually made me wave my hands in the air in shock and confusion. Out of anyone in the Power Rangers canon, you want to see the ROBOT fucking her? You couldn’t pick the black guy or the gay one?

“go for the balls” friend: That’s not a great friend.

skyrim girl argonian fucking a boy dragon pics: And now we’re getting stuck with furries. Awesome. That’s totally what I want associated with my site. I’d rather they just kill themselves (along with a certain other person) and leave room for the nubile barely-legal redheads flooding to the site.

st helens sluts: Does this exist? I really want to know. Are there people that get all hot and bothered over volcanoes?

f-valium sterilization food.com: Annnnnnnd now we’re picking up the conspiracy theorists as well. Fantastic. We’re a racial separatist away from a bingo.

-=8[flr.skrrkk: Awesome. Someone had a seizure and died and it just happened to lead them here. Hope you enjoyed your stay, brief as it was!

cousin’s cousin eats cat at home sex videos: Come on now. The cousin-fucking was the main thing here. You can try to mask it with cat eating all you want but we all know what you’re here for. Also, we’re not interested.

http://www.toilet eats the food sex: I’m starting to sense a trend and it’s the worrying combination of food, sex, and toilet humor. No, wait, that’s the site itself, really.

“red dress” morgan freeman oscars cleavage 2012: What in the HELL? How do you mix up Morgan Freeman and Anne Hathaway? I shiver at the thought.

what vhappens when its you first felony and get busted with 8 ball of cocain?: Well, what happens is you go to jail for like ten years. And then your asshole gets raped by big, mean bikers. Hopefully somewhere in that period gives you time to learn how to spell correctly. Enjoy the buttsex!

racism kama sutra: This made me giggle a lot. The Kama Sutra is kind of the antithesis of racists, although you could make awful names for sex positions like the Hanging [insert racial epithet here] or something like that. No, I’m not proud of that joke. Yes, I’m a little uncomfortable with it.

toons 18 mighty morphin power rangers pond sex fuck: Most of this I can understand. It’s the word ‘pond’ that confuses me. Does it mean that the person searching can’t get off to Power Ranger sex if it doesn’t take place on or near a landlocked body of water? Do they need ducks quacking to stimulate them? Are frogs making it more kinky? I don’t know!

you fapping’ muppet you why i oughta: Yep, those are the people that come to this site. Sorry for the ripoff, Bill Simmons.
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That actually makes me a little sad. People are so messed up. But hey, traffic is traffic so…come one, come all, come at the same time you freaks. DECF is here to serve your needs!

A Blast From The Past: The Negotiation

Posted: May 31, 2012 by kaostheory in Interview
Tags: , , ,

The creative well has run a bit dry, as it were, right now…so as a special treat, we’ve decided to show you a piece from way back before Dan Eats Cat Food was even a twinkle in KT’s eye and brain.

Back in around 2007 or so, Raybestos and KaosTheory decided to write a series of quick sketches to compile into a full-length play. After some discussions, they do so…to interesting effect. A couple pieces of one of the sketches is in fact being incorporated into a different writing piece by KT. The solely KT-written piece is not going to see the light of day because it’s too over the line, even for this site. Well…maybe not but it’s certainly not as witty as it should. And the solely Raybestos-written piece is something that, if he wants it to go up, he’ll have to post it himself.

However, there is one of the sketches – actually the strongest sketch – that is perfect for a day like today where no amount of drinking is able to mask some withdrawal symptoms (of what, don’t ask…nosey bastards). Thus, we proudly (fine, not proudly but…) present to you for your viewing, remaining completely (okay mostly but not entirely) unedited content-wise…The Negotiation.

Oh, also remember that it was written to be performed so the stage directions and things will be there. We’ll make sure that we bold the characters’ names for you for convenience’s sake. Enjoy.

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(lights up on WILL and BOSS – they are sitting at a desk, chatting)

Boss: Alright, Will. Let’s get down to business. What can you offer me that AT&T can’t?

Will: We’re prepared to offer you zero interest and five point nine percent APR for the next five years.

Boss: I’m not sure I can do that. AT&T gave us five point five AND an opt-out at any point. They seem to be more willing to deal. I’m sorry. I’ll have to take theirs.

Will: Whoa whoa whoa, don’t be so hasty. I’m prepared to give you the first three months free. And, you see that five point nine? Poof. It’s five point seven. Eh, eh?

Boss: You make it five five, we can call it a deal.

Will: Five point six five.

Boss: Five point five five.

Will: Five point five eight.

Boss: Five point five six.

Will: Deal.

Boss: Good man.

(they shake hands)

Boss: Is there anything else I can do for you?

Will: Well, now that you mention it…I’m gonna need you to validate my parking…

Boss: My secretary will take care of that.

Will: That’s the other thing. I’m gonna need ten minutes alone with your secretary. Preferably in an office, but a storage closet will do. I’m not picky.

Boss: Excuse me?

Will: I said, I’m going to need ten minutes with your secretary where we will not be disturbed. You see, I plan to…

Boss: No, no. That’s…that’s not happening. That’s my DAUGHTER.

Will: I did not know that. I am going to need twenty minutes alone…with your daughter. Who is your secretary. I plan to…

Boss: What? NO! No no no no no. That’s…no. Not happening. Not gonna happen. I’m sorry, but no.

Will: What seems to be the problem?

Boss: The…what? You don’t know? You don’t see a problem with this?

Will: I’m just trying to do business.

Boss: I bet you are but that’s not happening. No. Unacceptable.

Will: Please sir. Help me understand. Why is this unacceptable?

Boss: Because she’s my DAUGHTER. And my employee! And she’s underage.

Will: I was unaware of this as well. I now require thirty minutes alone with your underage secretary daughter. And a lookout in case security comes to check out the noise. You see, I plan to…

Boss: What? No! No! You don’t seem to understand. She is not legal. She is seventeen and unable to under law have sex.

Will: (pause) Heh. Okay.

Boss: Excuse me?

Will: First off, in this state, the legal age is technically sixteen, just FYI. I should know. I checked. Secondly, I doubt that she hasn’t been playing rainbow games at high school parties. I know that I did. And thirdly, if she didn’t want the high, hard one, she shouldn’t dress like a Catholic pornstar.

Boss: That is her SCHOOL UNIFORM. She comes straight here from school. How dare you?

Will: Look, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot…

Boss: I’d say so, yes.

Will: Let’s just back it up, cool down a little bit. What do I have to do to put me in your daughter?

Boss: Nothing! It’s not happening!

Will: You mean, you’re concerned about protection. I gotcha. I got a kid of my own. I’ll wear a condom if that’s your thing. I’ll even double-wrap, just for you. It won’t cause any problems that wouldn’t have been there already.

Boss: But…that’s…that’s not the point.

Will: Ah, so I can bare-back it. Fan-tastic.

Boss: Wait, no, I wasn’t saying that!

Will: Now I’m getting mixed messages. Answer this: do I or do I NOT have to wear a condom when I have sex with your daughter?

Boss: I…but…you…

Will: Okay, look, in fairness, I’ll make you a trade. YOU can have sex…with MY daughter.

Boss: I’m…I don’t want to have sex with your daughter. How old is she?

Will: I’d prefer not to say. But…young. How about it?

Boss: What? NO! I’m not a pedophile!

Will: I was mistaken. I apologize.

Boss: Excuse me?

Will: Never mind. Look, I’m willing to barter the contents of my wallet for the privilege of boning your daughter. That is more than fair.

Boss: Are you calling my daughter a whore?

Will: Not as such, no.

Boss: Not as such? What the hell does that mean?

Will: I mean, if it’s a question of money…

Boss: It’s not!

Will: There is an ATM…downstairs…that I can go to and clear out my expense account for this trip. I was just going to embezzle it and spend it on blow and hookers, but this seems like a more worthy investment.

Boss: It…it is but wait, wait, that’s not what I meant…no…you…you can’t have sex with my daughter. It can’t happen.

Will: Why can it not? It seems straightforward to me. I know the ropes. I promise.

Boss: It’s not a matter of that. It’s…look, she’s all I have left of my wife. She left me a few years ago for her gynecologist Val or something. Val…is not a man’s name.

Will: My condolences. I do not wish to take your daughter from you. I only wish to rent her for forty-five minutes.

Boss: That’s not the point! And forty-five? I thought it was a half-hour.

Will: It was. Commodities fluctuate with the market.

Boss: What market?

Will: While we took that break around noon, I took a picture of your daughter with my camera phone and sent it to the higher-ups in my company. Every executive officer is willing to negotiate with you. I simply got here first. You’re sitting on a goldmine.

Boss: I’m not going to accept pay for sex with my daughter!

Will: Perhaps I misstated. I am not willing to pay YOU to have sex with your daughter. I am willing to pay you for ME to have sex with your daughter. For money. For an hour.

Boss: I…I can’t in good conscience accept money for my daughter. But just for curiosity’s sake, how much are we talking?

Will: Well, let me show you.

(slides a piece of paper across the table)

Boss: Wow…that’s…a lot of zeros.

Will: I am prepared to add two more zeros to that number.

Boss: That’s a lot of money.

Will: Supply and demand my friend. I will even match AT&Ts offer plus what we’ve agreed upon. Because I like you. And very much like your daughter.

Boss: I do have bills.

Will: Indeed. So do we all. So do we have a deal?

Boss: I…I don’t think…

Will: Okay look. I will give you that number, the contents of my wallet, the AT&T deal, and will use protection. That’s a better deal than you’re gonna get anywhere else, I promise you. I’ve price-checked.

Boss: And if you get her pregnant?

Will: I will never contact her again.

Boss: That seems more than fair. Alright. We have a deal.

Will: I’ll have her back to you in the morning.

Boss: And since you’ve been such a good sport with this negotiation, if you’re not satisfied with my daughter, you can bring her back any time today and exchange her for something of equal or lesser value. Like my ex-wife.

Both: (laugh)
——
As always, Dan Eats Cat Food does not condone paying for sex, underage or not. If you can’t get it on your own merits, you don’t deserve it.

(That’s kind of dark. – ed.)

It happens.


As a child of the early 1990s, my generation was one that grew up with a tremendous range of quality (some still quality, some not so much) programming on television. Rocko’s Modern Life. All That. FOX Kids. The Spice Channel. As kids, we were really the last generation to be able to enjoy Saturday morning cartoons as something other than screaming, flailing, sugar-coated, hyperactive torture devices, as the shows are today. Except for My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic and fuck you for judging. It’s a good show.

The point is that 90s kids had it good when it came to shows (and merchandising) and no show was or is more indicative of the time than than of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. I’m not talking about the dozens of spinoffs which qualify as officially raping the corpse of something decent. I’m talking seasons 1-3, with the original cast. In case you don’t know anything about MMPR (in which case, go back to your pacifier, kid), here’s the basics. In S1, Rita Repulsa was freed from her prison on the moon and was determined to destroy Earth. A space alien named Zordon (basically a face in a glass tube) needed to combat her with his minion Alpha 5 (an annoying-ass robot). To help them, he chose five ‘teenagers with attitude’ – all conveniently located in the same city and school and were friends – and imbued them with the power to become super ninjas and, when it really became nasty (the villain of the week grew to monstrous size – every week), call upon giant dinosaur robots (Zords – clearly not an ego trip at all) buried deep in various places in Earth to come together and make the Megazord to kick seven shades of shit out of the monster and save the day until the next time Rita got her panties in a wad and wanted to destroy Earth. Which was every week. Without fail. Midway through season 1, they added a sixth member but he was evil, I think, but then went good. I don’t know. This is off the top of my head but the fact that I remember all this says a lot about me…not all good.

Anyways, the original six Rangers were as follows:

Jason – Red Ranger: The leader of the group and my personal favorite. I think this guy does or did gay porn.
Trini – Yellow Ranger The first of much blatant racist stereotyping, the Asian was the Yellow Ranger. Still hot though, although she’s dead now.
Kimberly – Pink Ranger Everyone back the fuck off, the Pink Ranger is mine. More boys hit puberty with wet dreams about her than anyone else.
Zack – Black Ranger – You guessed it, he was African-American. And I think has gotten arrested for assault at some point.
Billy – Blue Ranger – The nerd of the group and the one everyone ignored because he was a douche. Also, he’s gay and got harassed a lot on set.
Tommy – Green/White Ranger The bad boy turned hero. Everyone liked him the best except me. He’s doing okay for himself, I think.

The point is that kids these days – with programming the way it is – aren’t looking for a simple, action-packed show with predictable storylines in and out of battle along with gratuitous amounts of sexual tension. They need over the top antics and that’s where we come in. We present to you now our changes and modifications of Power Rangers to pander to today’s class of mouth-breathing puberty cyclones.

Change 1: The group is no longer ‘teenagers with attitude’, but ‘twenty-somethings facing existential crises’. This allows for later changes to actually be applicable.

Change 2: The Black Ranger no longer wears the skintight leotard and helmet, choosing instead to wear jean shorts and a balaclava while carrying a gat strapped to his hip. The Putty Patrol react the same way as humans when they take two to the chest, that’s for sure.

Change 3: One episode deals with the fallout after a Thursday night when all six Rangers sat in Tommy’s Midtown apartment, dropped acid and engaged in various forms of sexual experimentation.

Change 4: Another episode’s through-line involves Billy getting drunk and brutally assaulting Alpha 5 after accidentally teleporting to the HQ instead of to his loft in Queens. Zordon can only sit and watch helplessly as Alpha screams in pain.

Change 5: Instead of giant dinosaur robots, each Ranger is instead given a cell phone and free minutes to be able to call up some “friends” to help them ‘get rid of some problems’. The Harlem Globetrotters occasionally cameo as gang members.

Change 6: Tommy, in a serious relationship with Kimberly, goes over to Trini’s dorm room one night and gets her pregnant after ejaculating inside her instead of on her face as she asked. The rest of the season involves dealing with not only the unfaithfulness of Tommy but the consequences of Trini’s pregnancy and subsequent abortion at the hands of Goldar, Rita’s right-hand man, who does back-alley medical procedures on the side to make some extra money.

Change 7: In retaliation for Tommy’s cheating, Kimberly sleeps with Jason and videotapes it, posting the video to various amateur porn websites under the title “Fuk U Tommy – His Dick Is Bigger!”

Change 8: Alpha 5, as he is not a human, is denied a protective order against Billy who, angry at being exposed to the police, assaults Alpha again, this time sober and this time much more violently. Alpha loses an arm and one of his eyes is put out. However, Jason enters before Billy can kill Alpha and, angry and drunk with Internet celebrity as well as a fifth of Jack, beats the living hell out of Billy before forcing him to perform oral sex on him, after which he breaks his jaw.

Change 9: Zack and Trini snort coke in a subway bathroom. Trini ODs and Zack has to get her to the hospital while at the same time avoiding his parole officer who is checking up on him after an aggravated assault arrest a couple years back. He served two years in Chino and does NOT want to go back.

Change 10 Rita, instead of being a evil immortal being living on the moon, is actually Tommy’s Chinese landlord who wants a piece of his Tiger Flute and is always sending monsters that she animates through black magic to collect the rent.

Change 11: Zordon still lives in his glass tube but is actually just a mentally ill homeless man with a deep, raspy voice from years of substance abuse. The swirling gas in the tube is just paint fumes from the spray can in his ‘huffing’ bag.

Change 12: Kimberly gets a job working as a bank teller but, during a robbery, is shot in the arm. The PTSD drives her to become a thrill-seeker, culminating in Zack and Tommy having to bail her out of jail after she drives her car into a Tiffany’s storefront during rush hour.

Change 13: When paged to enter battle, Billy and Trini don’t show. They have instead opted to get high and go to a Dave Matthews Band concert.

Change 14: Zack, after a very tough battle with one of Rita’s monsters, snaps and executes the monster in front of an elementary school. The resultant standoff with cops results in him and Billy dying with suicide by cop.

Change 15: As the series ends, we see how the other four end up. Jason goes into gay porn and settles down with a production assistant. Kimberly accidentally kills herself skydiving without a parachute. Tommy becomes a softball coach and goes to prison after molesting his entire infield after winning the state semifinals. Trini is forced to become a prostitute in Thailand, eventually ODing on opium. Zordon dies of consumption. Alpha 5 works for Microsoft.
——
(Good job. Way to destroy an entire series for good. Very thorough. – ed.)

My pleasure!


Although those of us at Dan Eats Cat Food.com (tell your friends, whore us out, bring us love!) are nearly omnipotent and thus unable to physically experience the trauma of making mistakes, we understand that mortals can have problems sometimes with life. And, of course, the demographic most desperately in need of our aid to prevent them from becoming drooling, crying, chest-slapping retards is simple: teenagers. Yes, we too were teenagers at one point, although we experience time differently from you. Be that as it may, we have deigned to bless your basic lives with some knowledge and advice that hopefully will turn the horror of adolescence into something marginally productive in society. As always, it must be assumed that this advice is being given to legal 18-year olds. Covering our asses.
——
Let’s be frank, here. Teenage love is the strangest, strongest and most damaging of all love, save perhaps anal. Thus, it requires the most help in understanding and navigating the non-Euclidean geometric waters. That’s an H.P. Lovecraft joke for you, by the way. It’s messy, confusing, frustrating, great and terrible all at the same time, kind of like a really difficult bowel movement except with more potential for ejaculation. And it’s not like it’s going to matter anyways. You little bastards never listen to any good advice from those who have gone before because we’re, like, old and can’t possibly understand all the intricacies of teenage dating. Ungrateful little punks. All the same, let’s help you out.

Girls, do you think you love him? Well…you’re right! Get pregnant so he can never leave you.

Boys, if she won’t sexually pleasure you, dump her. Right around the corner will be another girl, probably not as good-looking, but she’s willing to put your dick in her mouth and that is something that you can’t discount.

Girls, if there are aspects of your boy that you don’t like, nag and berate and harass him until he either leaves or changes. If he won’t change everything about himself to suit your ever-fluctuating whims, he doesn’t love you.

Boys, refuse to acknowledge any flaws that you may have in the relationship. You’re the almost-man and that means that you’re always right.

Girls, it’s not out of line or immature to scream at the top of your lungs, including that female banshee shriek teenage girls can achieve, at your boyfriend in the middle of the hallway during lunch because you totally saw him checking out that slut Lindsay’s ass, that fucking jerk.

Boys, that Lindsay has a nice ass, huh?

Girls, yes, it is absolutely rational to never want to see that asshole again because how dare he go to (insert new teenage shit movie here) with his family when he promised you that he would see it with you first when you were holding hands in your car after school.

Boys, erections are perfectly healthy and you should not be ashamed of them. Unless, of course, you get one in the locker room as you’re showering after football practice. Then you might have some other things to worry about beyond a simple erection.

Girls, it’s so heartbreaking when a relationship ends. You absolutely should go and give his big brother a handjob in the backyard when you’re drunk on wine coolers at Brad’s graduation party. That’ll show him.

Boys, you will be able to put it in her butt if you buy her a really nice meal at that Italian place down the road, manage to steal some champagne from your parents’ liquor cabinet (or get them to buy it, if they’re cool) and lie to her about other people doing it. It will be mediocre because she’ll be scared and tense up, which means it’ll hurt her so she’ll cry and you’ll have to abandon it halfway through and just cuddle the rest of the night. It will set a tone for the rest of your dating life.

Girls, is your relationship starting to break apart? There’s a simple solution. Have a baby. Introducing a baby into the mix never creates anything but a stronger love. Note: this is similar to the earlier piece of advice because it’s such a good idea.

Boys, just remember this: if you blow your load in her mouth or on her tits or, God forbid, in her butt, she can’t create a crotch spawn. Pray she’s too stupid to remember that.

Girls, you can totally get pregnant by taking a shot in the mouth or on your tits or in your butt. The whole body is connected! Your heart pumps blood throughout your entire body, right? Why can’t it do that with baby batter, huh?

Boys, it doesn’t technically count as cheating if you fuck her sister or cousin because, hey, you’re keeping it in the family. Also it doesn’t count if she never finds out so…that’s a plus too.

Girls, expecting that your boyfriend or crush will act like Edward Cullen is not realistic. He’s totally more of a Jacob Black. OMGZ!

Boys, if you find out your girlfriend is either reading the Twilight “books” or watching the “movies”, either dump her or distract her and burn her copies. Or burn her body and dump it in the copies. Maybe not that last one.

Girls, if you’re starting to get bitchy, go get a tampon so you don’t period all over your boyfriend.

Boys, if she’s bleeding, run for the hills for the structural integrity of your relationship is in grave danger. Do not come back until the passing of the full moon.

Girls, if your boyfriend hurts you – and he will hurt you – just go ahead and declare all men the sworn enemy of your sovereign vagina. Because clearly every man in the world is a stupid asshole who broke your heart.

Boys, be aware of one fact: no matter how fun it is to be a jerk, no matter how fun it is to snap bra straps or piss off girlfriends, no matter how fun it is to fuck around and sleep with everyone you can…your genitals are outside your body and hanging targets. Be warned. Nah, just kidding. Angry girls won’t go for the balls, no matter how mad they are. They understand the pain they provide and won’t take advantage of it. Teenage girls aren’t psychopaths at ALL, as you know.

And finally, for both genders, the love that you experience in high school is forever. No relationships past high school will ever mean as much or feel as strong as the ones you experience then. It’s all downhill. So be sure to get all your loving in during high school or you’ll miss out!
——
(You really hate teenagers, don’t you? – ed.)

Hate? No. Loathe? No. Respect? No.

(I…hm. – ed.)

Success!

Darkness Falls On Gulla Gulla Island

Posted: July 21, 2010 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , ,

I want to do something different!

(What? – ed.)

I’m tired of just giving “how to” lists and being drunk all the time. I want to do something a little more creative this time around. Something with some literary merit.

(You have to be joking. You’re a comedy writer on a tiny-ass website in the middle of nowhere…and you’re wanting a change in direction? – ed.)

No, not totally. Just this once. I have a story that I need to tell. It must be told.

(Fine. If I let you do this one, will you shut up and do your job next article, laugh monkey? – ed.)

Yes.

(Fine. Knock yourself out. Literally I hope, but… – ed.)

Sweetness. Our story begins…
—–
Long ago in the far off time of the mid-1990s, there existed a place in this world with a happy, cheery joyful exterior where children could run and play to their hearts’ content without fear of punishment or violence. Yet in this land was an underbelly seedier than a pile of watermelon vomit after a big drunken Fourth of July party. This land…was Gulla Gulla Island.

(Oh God no. – ed.)

Fine. You want to bitch? Fine. I’ll just watch a couple partial episodes and comment on them. You ass-bastard.

(Fine. – ed.)

Fine.

Video 1:

00:00:30: Alright, it’s the intro to the first one. Huh. I bet that guy wanted to be like, the next Louis Armstrong or Lou Rawls, and then some ass talked him into doing this show, and his dreams died. I just bet that’s what happened.

00:00:45: “Come..and…let’s play together…before I go out behind the production truck and put a .45 to my temple and pull the trigger until it goes click” were ACTUALLY the lyrics but…it didn’t work out so well with test audiences. True story.

00:01:30: “Show him this,honey.” What did he get SHOWN? “Oh GOD! It’s like Goatse in black and white!”

00:01:40: “Well if that worked, I’ve got an even better plan!” *shiver* That’s gross. Beastiality is a no-no.

00:02:20: “What do Binya Binja pollywogs like better than anything?” How about FUCKIN’!

00:02:25: NO! “Playing with kids.” Of course it was.

00:02:30: And now they’re going to SHOW you what fun he had playing with you and the kids? Really? It’s like evidence at a rape trial! That seems unnecessarily sadistic. Like not even “Hey kid, this animal raped you” but “We’re also going to show you what he did to your asshole when you were sleeping”. Unnecessary.

00:03:45: Oh God. They’re circling Binya Binya like some ancient pagan cult. Run, pollywog! They will remove your heart with stone daggers while it’s still beating ! They went “loop-de-loo” around the fucking thing.

00:04:40: Annnnnd mocking epilectics. Fucking class there, Nick Jr.

00:05:20: Let’s try to get him to move around a bit? Seriously? You know how they do that with animals? THEY SHOVE A GODDAMN CATTLE PROD UP THEIR ASSES.

00:06:15: This is getting…weird. “Remember the day it rained and rained and rained? That’s the day Shaina and I sat by the window and she slowly ground herself to her first orgasm on my knee”

00:06:30: OH JESUS. IT MIGHT HAPPEN. HE MADE HER STRADDLE HIS KNEE. I instantly regret my choice of jokes.

00:06:40: Oh God. Just watching this makes me feel a little ill. He is way too touchy of a man. The fear on her face is palpable!

00:07:10: WHAT? WHAT? She just asked for it! She wants him to finger bang her! She would not request it otherwise.

00:07:15: And he READJUSTED HER to a more comfortable position. This is SO SEXUAL, IT’S INSANE. I feel like I’m watching a crime video.

00:07:20: I don’t even want to know which waterspout he’s talking about. Not anymore

00:07:30: …what the HELL? “Sing with your fingers, Daddy.” How can he RESPOND to that? “You got it honey. Now let’s get those Winnie the Pooh panties down around your ankles.” It’s the Island! It makes me do terrible, terrible things.

00:07:37: Oh thank goodness. This one is over. Wait, there’s a second one? BLAST AND DAMN!

Video 2:

00:00:10: No intro this time. That may be for the best. Oh shit. That kid is going to take a gat and driveby the shit out of Binya Binya. I see it.

00:00:20: IS THAT A FUCKING GAS CAN?! Is Binya going to torch the place and leave no witnesses?

00:01:10: “Okay well I’m taking him up to my room to see my treasures.” Seriously? I can’t even say anything to that. Why would he be showing him his balls? I can’t HANDLE THIS. Who the FUCK wrote this script?

00:01:33: He is so fucking insistent that Greg come to his room. What does he HAVE up there? An extension cord and a broken broom handle?

00:01:34:That was a rape joke not a poor joke, by the way, but either way I’m okay with it.

00:01:40: Man, he is really laying into that Chinese kid. Like he wants to get his rape on SO BAD and this Chinese fucker is throwing his game.

00:02:20: After the “You know”, I thought he was going to confess that his piano teacher kissed him once. That would have been funnier.

00:03:00: And Greg Tyrannosaurus, big and strong sounds like a gay porn star

00:03:50: It’s so wrong, but the black kid crouched down like a monkey and swinging a club is killing me.

00:04:15: So they’re going to solve their problems by dancing? Dancing? What is this shit? The Michael Jackson “Beat It” video?

00:04:35: WHY THE ASSFUCK IS HE VOGUEING? You’re not Madonna! You’re a scrawny-ass little white boy!

00:04:45: I want to know who the fuck is in the Binyah suit. And where. the. suit. is. NOW. It probably has strategic holes cut in it

00:05:10: Wait. Wait. How does the knock knock joke END? You can’t just leave it hanging! Bastards!

00:05:40: “Now that everybody is finally gone, I can show you my real treasures!” That’s how you’re ending this? REALLY? You’re ending it on an ambiguously sexual note? What is wrong with you? Damn, yo.
——
I feel kinda sick now after watching those, just so you know.

(I bet you do. Was it worth it? – ed.)

Not really, no. With that, I sign off. I need to cry away the shame.