Posts Tagged ‘Guitar Hero’


(Why don’t you just bring it on home now, KT? – ed.)

Don’t wanna.

(Do it. – ed.)

No.

(Do it! – ed.)

No.

(Fine. What will it take to make you finish this story? – ed.)

No. I mean, Snack Pack.

(Snack Pack? You want a Snack Pack? You want a Snack Pack in order to do your job? – ed.)

Yes. And not one of those crappy vanilla ones that look like coagulated semen. A REAL one. Chocolate.

(Fine. I’ll get you a chocolate Snack Pack if you do this. – ed.)

Yay!
——
Groggy, the young man shook his head, trying to come to his senses. His senses came back very quickly as he realized that his head and the rest of his body felt very heavy. Opening his eyes, all he could see was darkness, save a grate in front of him, the light split by the thin bars. Panicked, he began to thrash about and soon felt arms holding his limbs down, calming him. Through the darkness, he could hear a muffled voice.

“Calm yourself, Ken. Calm yourself. You are just fine.”

“Mistress Calliope?” he heard himself say, the sound echoing around him.

“Yes. It is alright. You are alive. Here. Let me help you.

Light flooded his face and he winced. Now he could see the world in full color. He wished he couldn’t as soon as he could because he now knew the situation. He was on the battlefield, the war raging around him already. He was clad in heavy armor and a large sword was strapped to his waist. He was on a horse and the horse clearly did not want him there. This…was not good.

“Oh shit.”

“Friend!”

He could hear the joyous shout of Nubbins as the funny little creature climbed up on to his horse and sat down in front of him.

“You are awake! Good. We were unsure how much longer we could protect you from Baphomet’s legions. Many good creatures died. But you are awake and with us now! Grab your sword. I shall direct the horse where it is needed. All you need do is swing your weapon.”

“Seriously, this isn’t something I – ”

“Thank you, Ken,” Calliope said softly, “Our child will grow up in a better world because of your actions.”

“Oh. Right. The kid thing. Look, it’s been real but I actually HAVE a girlfriend back home and it’s starting to get pretty serious so…”

That’s when she kissed him and his protestations went away.

“Ah what the hell. This is probably just a coma dream anyway. If I die in here, I’ll probably just die in the real world. Whatever. Let’s ride, Nubbins.”

With that, the horse took off, charging towards the armies ahead of them. Using as much of his strength as he could manage, Ken swung the very large sword he had been given. It was clumsy but effective. He could hear the screams of the wounded as he severed limbs and other assorted body parts. He could feel blood spray his face and he began to smile. He finally felt alive. He was free. He was…

Lying on his back on the ground, struggling to get up. His horse had been rammed and killed by some beast and he and Nubbins had been thrown to the earth. As he regained his balance, he saw what stood in front of him. It was a big, angry, snorting and spitting and raging…unicorn. Blood from his poor mount ran down the horn and stained the white hair of its face. For a moment, all the world seemed to stand still.

Then, the unicorn charged. Frantic, Ken looked around for an answer as to what to do. Nubbins, in a cracked voice, called out to him.

“Friend! Climb astride the ‘Corn! Get on the back!”

As quickly as he could, he dodged, grabbed ahold of the unicorn’s mane and swung himself up onto its back. It was, to say the least, displeased. It began to buck in a tireless effort to hurtle him to the ground where he could be stomped into oblivion.

“What! Do! I! Do! Now?!” he cried, every word punctuated by another buck from the creature.

“You must break the horn off!”

“WHAT?!”

“Break the horn off! It is the source of its power and rage!”

Shaking his head in disbelief, Ken punched as hard as he could at the horn, his gauntlet chipping at it. With every punch, another crack formed. The unicorn, sensing danger, began to buck harder but still the young man held on, swinging away. Finally, with a mighty blow, the horn cracked at the base and fell to the ground. The animal screamed and knelt down in pain. Ken quickly jumped off and looked at the pitiful sight. He heard Nubbins call to him.

“Now it’s just a horse! A horse you can beat to death!”

“What? But I just beat it!”

“Nooooooo!” the little creature cried, “You have not defeated it yet! You must kill it and drink the blood from the horn!”

“You’re kidding!”

“Drink its BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” Nubbins cried, his voice rising to a high, keening shriek, mania filling his eyes.

With disgust evident on his face, he picked up the horn and looked at it.

“Noooooooowwwwwww!”

He shook his head, tipped the horn back and began to drink. He coughed loudly, the blood clearly not agreeing with him.

“OH my God. I thought it would be pink and sparkly! It’s not! It’s black! It stinks and it’s black!”

“You have gained the power of the unicorn! Now take your mighty, magically imbued horn and stab it in the eye!”

“I don’t HAVE a…oh God no. WHY AM I ERECT?!”

“The magic has filled your horn with energy! Stab the unicorn and gain his life essence!”

“No. I am not going to skullfuck a unicorn. I draw the line there.”

“Then you must DIE!”

Ken turned to see Nubbins charged at him with a spear. Before he could react, the spear pierced his chest and…

Ken gasped as he sat up, his bed all a shambles. His sheets were twisted around him and he looked around. There, surrounding him, were his concerned – now joyous -family.

“He’s alive!” his mother shouted. A beautiful woman – his girlfriend – ran over and embraced him, smothering him with kisses.

“What happened?”

“You suffered a pulmonary embolism. You nearly died, ” his girl, still latched on to him, said.

“Uh huh. Well, I was just in a magical land where there were weird creatures and Baphomet and this girl. I think I made her pregnant.”

“Was I the girl?”

“I…no.”

“…you asshole.”

The room erupted in laughter as Ken sat there, looking perturbed. In the night sky outside, stars twinkled.
——
(…that’s IT? He WAS in a coma? – ed.)

Yuh huh.

(WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? THAT IS THE BIGGEST COPOUT ENDING OF ALL TIME! – ed.)

Yuh huh.

(I…I am so mad I can’t speak. – ed.)

Yay! Goodnight everyone! I hope you don’t hate us too much!


Over the years, many people have been proclaiming that “rock is dead.”  Some are serious and point to Justin Bieber (hard to argue with that one) still others are being ironic and insist that now is the time for “paper and scissors to strike.”  Society generally hates those people.

But I am hear to tell you of another of another musical death – the death of Guitar Hero. This used to be the creme de la creme of video games.  Many evenings were lost to the flailing of toy guitars and the countless fourteen year olds pretending, for just a few minutes, that there talent was enough to make Eric Claption weep and retire, knowing he had seen the better axe man. Now that is all gone – people have moved back to gore and violence, leaving their musical ambitions behind. Guitar Hero is over.

Or maybe my complaint is just because my controller is broken and I have no money to buy a new one.

But hear me out. It is downright impossible to go and find any of the many peripherals associated with Guitar Hero.  You have a better chance of walking into Best Buy and finding, say,  a copy of The Declaration of Independence. Do me a favor.  Go to any Gamestop near you.  Seriously, go on.  Don’t keep reading expecting more jokes about boobs; those will come later.  You have some business to take care of.
Back yet?  Did you notice how there are practically no Guitar Hero or Rock Band accessories for sale?  That’s right; they are not for sale because there is not as big a market as there once was. You can probably find all the games severely discounted.  You may be able to find the cheap peripherals. But even the newer releases are hard to find.  A place near me had only one copy of DJ Hero left in stock. I have never even seen anyone play it.  This wholesale rejection of DJ Hero has become the norm.  The only people who honestly buy every single release are people who like hoarding or people who have no chance of ever seeing a naked woman.

Why?  Because the makers of the game over saturated the market.  We did not need dozens of titles of Guitar Hero but that is what we have.  We also do not need specific titles for specific bands (Guitar Hero Van Halen?).  Yet, again, we have them.  I am not sure why they felt this was a good idea. Oh wait; the almighty dollar.  This has lead to more bad ideas than any other thing in history.

So, what does this mean?  It means that these games will no longer cause people to line up around the block to buy them, or force kids to bring in jars full of pennies as though they are some sort of orphan in order to afford all the peripherals. What will happen is that most copies will end up collecting dust in the corner, with people casually asking if they want to play, only to be greeted with a chorus of indifference.

I remember the first time I played.  At the time, it seemed like the coolest thing in history. I, too, could be Ace Frehley (the song I kept playing was “Strutter”).  Most of the people seemed to agree with me.  The line to play at the party was what gathered the most attention.  The making out in the middle of the room?  Forget it, we had a guy who was about to five star “Sweet Child O’ Mine.”  Even the alcohol was ignored.  How strong does something have to be to get a room full of college students to ignore alcohol?  It requires some sort of cosmic radiation – trust me.

So, I have explained why Guitar Hero is dead. Bu why then would I say “long live Guitar Hero?”  Because it was an important part of our generation (you do not have to read this next paragraph.  It will contain very few jokes, except about drunken people and the memories they share).  There are many people, who, for brief periods of time, honestly did feel they were rock gods.  These same people, depending on what time in the evening it was, also believed they could fly and that the toilet was their best friend.  We all shared a fantasy.

We should not weep too long for Guitar Hero.  It was a momentous success that was the envy of all.  Besides, as with any fad, it must have a time gone.  But feel free to weep for a little while; there are great memories to be had.  Still, it is now important to go ahead and find some other way to occupy your time.

Like, for example, looking at pictures of boobs. (See?  I told you they were coming.  That pun is also completely intended.)