Posts Tagged ‘Dr. McKickass’

The Doctor Is In #4

Posted: March 29, 2010 by kaostheory in Mailbag

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

Aw yeah, son. After a nice long soul-searching expedition to get his life back in order, Dr. Awesome McKickass is back and awesomer than ever. This is McKickass 2.0 or even 2.1. He’s that awesome now. We know you’ve been waiting for it. The doctor…is now in.

I have to ask, where did you go off to, leaving us sans awesome?
Brian in Indiana

– I will first say that I am sorry. I did not mean to be away for so long, only like three, four weeks tops. We had some issues with the authorities who were way uncool about everything.

Authorities where? What did you do?
Nick in Alabama

– I’m not legally able to say for either of those right now, just because the charges are still pending. Let’s just say that the Icaraguan-nays aren’t too fond of people who ave-hay ex-say with ooker-hays in the residential-pay alace-pay ourtyard-cay.

So how is Ruffles doing these days?
Ricki in Dallas

– Oh, he’s…fine. Right now we’re trying to handle a mixture of “failure to thrive” and some good old-fashioned puberty. If he’s not curled up in a heap crying, he’s humping everything that’s not nailed down and some stuff that actually is. I’ve used more spackle in the past few days than I have in years.

Does Dr. Awesome McKickass know how to cook or does he hire someone to do that for him?
David in Jacksonville

– You frontin’ on me, holmes? Course I know how to cook! Just you watch. I’ll be bringin’ a fine lady home, sitting her down in the living room with a glass of ’59 Riesling, even letting her put her feet on the coffee table even though I smack Ruffles with a newspaper if he does the same thing, then go into the kitchen and whip up some crab rangoon, manicotti with homemade sauce and a damn tiramisu. We’ll eat then go a-bangin’. Truth.

Uh…you’re sounding more thug than usual these days.
50 in Compton

– Yeah, my apologies for that. What with having to throw down against cholos in Chino and drinking mezcal till my eyes went clear, I sort of developed a lingo spiced up with some colorful phrasings and aphorisms. Call me multicultural.

You do know he said “thug” and not “Latino”, right?
Felipe in St. Augustine

– Yes? I mean, yes, I do. I guess I’ve done more in the past while than I thought I had. Memories blending together like…like putting hamburger and chicken breasts in a Cuisinart and turning the fucker on to “Puree”. I’m…not really sure where this metaphor is going, to be honest.

At the risk of getting far, far more detail than I want…has Awesome been getting much play recently?
Alexis in Texas

– Your fears are not unwarranted, Alexis! Awesome has been – and currently IS at the time of this writing – buried all ten inches deep in a lovely British woman named Eileen. She enjoys cricket, shrimp on the barbie and sheep but does NOT like spotted dick. She likes MY dick instead. Spotted can suck one.

First off, you’re actually in a relationship? Secondly, you listed a British thing but then confused that with Australian and confused THAT with New Zeal-ish. Poor show, old bean.
Blake in Stratford

-First off, did I say I was in a relationship? No. I said I was balls-deep in Eileen. Not that I was dating her. If you must know, she’s engaged to that Wayne Rooney fucker from Manchester United. She just likes to get a bit of Awesome all up inside her every now and again. It’s not non-awesome to remember a name. It’s basic courtesy, you limey asshole. Second, why in the hell would I know to separate all you accenteds up? You all sound the same. Sexy. You know the score.

That sounds…marginally xenophobic, Doctor.
Nancy in California

– Does it? I thought it sounded more SHUT YOUR DAMN FACE.

I find it very hard to believe that some university gave you a doctorate degree. You seem wholly too sociopathic to practice medicine.
Harry in Nevada

– Who’s practicing medicine? I’m practicing awesome. And I don’t judge you for being a raging butthole. Don’t judge me for being a Doctor of Kicking Ass.

What would you say to the allegations that you are just a surrogate for some psychotic’s unconscious mind?
Georg in Berlin


Um. I mean, that’s absolutely ridiculous. Even deigning to answer your question insults not only me but the entire McKickass family. You have in effect taken a piss on an entire bloodline. I mean, sure, the Tudors did it but they were royalty. What’s your excuse, doucher?

Just for the record, I am real and I am awesome. It’s the damn honest truth. It’s time for me to go rock some faces off with my rock band, The McKickass Clan. Until next time, remember to stay awesome, even in the face of assholery. Peace, love and bitches.

The Doctor Is In #3

Posted: September 8, 2009 by kaostheory in Mailbag

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

Doctor Awesome McKickass is back and ready to banish any thoughts of anything not awesome from your minds. And for the record, he thinks that tits ARE awesome, but dough sex is most definitely not awesome. The doctor…is now in.

Did you read that entry about the sex with Thai people and the Russians and the bread sex?
Bill in LA

– First, answer me this. Are you legally retarded? Do you have problems forming cogent sentences? Or are you just playing at being stupid? Bad show either way. And yes, I did. Well, my lawyers did and have advised me to stay silent on the matter. Legal purposes and all that. I will say, though, that once the hammer comes down, it’s coming down hard on some of the staffers here. By which I mean Raybestos, the sick fuck.

I don’t believe you have a dinosaur.
Ian in Madison

– And I don’t believe your mother had any children that lived.

Ignore him. Does Ruffles actually exist? And if so, can we see him?
Virginia in Roanoke

– He does exist and yes, I in fact have a picture of him right here.

Best. Pet. Ever.

Best. Pet. Ever.

So FUCK YOU, Ian! How do THOSE nuts taste?

Has Ruffles ever…eaten anyone?
Allen in Memphis

– Yes. Once. He tried to eat a homeless man back in ’54, or so I’m told. Unfortunately, his sensitive little tummy couldn’t handle it and he ralphed the guy back up. He goes by the name Michael Moore now, whoever the fuck that is.

You seem to be getting less awesome as time goes by. Is this just a low spot or is Dr. McKickass losing his touch?
Sophie in Montreal

– What are you talking about? I am no less awesome than I have been. In fact, I’m even MORE awesome now because I’m an independent man who doesn’t need a woman to get by in life. I can walk around the house naked, jack off in the living room, watch sports and drink beer any time I want. I don’t have to kowtow to some needy bitch who wants me to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond or Black and White or…Sears, I don’t fucking know. I can ride my fucking DINOSAUR around town, for God’s sake! Why in the hell would that make me anything less than the most awesome person on the planet?

So what you’re saying is that you’re in a dry spell.
Ron in North Carolina

– Absolutely not. I am waist-deep in any kind of ass you can think of. Latina. African-American. Asian. Indian. Middle Eastern. Jewish. Caucasian. Inuit. Blonde. Brunette. Redhead. Pink hair. Blue hair. Green hair. No hair. Doctor. Cop. Nurse. Lawyer. Firefighter. French maid. Latin maid. Basketball star. Softball star. Volleyball star. Basketball COACH. Stripper. Hooker. Call girl. Escort. Barista. Construction worker. Nuclear Regulatory Commission Inspector. Circus performer. You name it, I’ve done it.

…circus perfomer?
Liza in Milan

– Of course. Some of the most rockin’est tail comes from the circus. Once you’ve been inside a contortionist flexing every muscle in her body, well…plain vanilla sex is just hard to swallow.

And are YOU hard to swallow?
Mindy at UCONN

– You’re now my favorite mailbag person! (And for the record, not as long as you relax your throat).

So what adventures are on the horizon for Dr. McKickass?
Zach in Calgary

– I don’t know! That’s the fun of being me. I go where the wind takes me. I could be snowboarding down the Alps wearing a live cheetah or I could be filling up my car with unleaded gas! I could be battling Wizard Lizards with ancient weaponry or I could be cooking a nice dinner for four! I could be riding rhinos in Russia tomorrow or I could just be sitting back and watching TV!

There are no rhinos in Russia.
Matthew in Salt Lake City

– Just like Raptorsaurus Rex doesn’t exist? Or how I totally didn’t bang your sister in April?

That was uncalled for, Doctor.
Reese in Tampa

– He started it. Besides, I may not have banged his sister. That WAS a while ago. Who really remembers that sort of thing?

You don’t actually remember?
Taylor in Michigan

– Too much awesome happens in my life every day to just remember who I did and didn’t fuck, Taylor. For all I know, I could have fucked YOU.

I’m married, you jackass!
Taylor in Michigan

– In the grand scheme of things, that falls somewhere between meaning “jack” and “shit”. The Awesome doesn’t care about the sanctity of wedding vows. It wants what it wants.

Wait…did you just refer to your penis as “The Awesome”?
Austin in Austin

– Maybe. Why? Do you have a better name for it? I think not

And with that, we’ll end the chat talking about my penis. Thanks for chatting, everyone. Until next time, stay awesome. If not, well…maybe your mom will. Peace, love and bitches!

The Doctor is In #2

Posted: August 19, 2009 by kaostheory in Mailbag

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

Doctor Awesome McKickass is back and ready to whip up another tall, frothy glass of Fuck Your Curiosity In Its Earhole. Um. I mean, The Doctor Is In, where I answer all those questions that I deem awesome enough to be worthy of an answer. As always, satisfaction may vary. The doctor…is now in.

You have been conspicuously absent as of late. Where were you?
Alex in San Francisco

– Yes.

No, I mean, seriously, where did you go?
Alex in San Francisco

– Fine. Shut your cryhole. I’ll try to tell you. I’ve been investigating the recent spate of celebrity deaths, trying to figure out why they all kicked it in such rapid order.

And? How did they?
Rita in Omaha

– Believe it or not, the majority have died from having too much awesome in their system. Really. Too much awesome. Well, and Propofol of course.

What about David Carradine? That doesn’t sound too “awesome” to me.
Mike in Philadelphia

– Are you kidding? It’s very awesome. I mean, the man defied all movemental logic. He was both coming and going at once.

Does Dr. McKickass have a Pet McKickass?
Jenny in Djibouti

– Indeed I do, Jenny. Some time ago, I was given one night to have carte blanche with many scientifically unstable instruments in a lab in Northern Kentucky. I think they were expecting me to cure AIDS. However, in the midst of my struggle with the Roomba (a sidenote: the little shits will eat tuna fish sandwiches with no remorse), I accidentally triggered an explosion in one of the machines. After the smoke cleared and I had lodged a fire axe in the sumbitch Roomba’s circuitry, what did I find standing across the room from me but the rarest breed of dinosaur that ever existed: a Raptorsaurus Rex (also known as the Awesomesaurus). You see, Jenny, the Raptorsaurus came about in the mid 1800s when Alexander Graham Bell bred a tea kettle poodle with a common pond frog. The resultant vengeance of God tore a hole in the space/time continuum and, since all time had become ruptured, the past was changed and a scenario in which a velociraptor had sex with a Tyrannosaurus Rex occurred, leaving the bones of its offspring hidden under Lake Superior. I won’t bore you with any more details. In any case, the creature is now mine.

You are absolutely full of shit. Literally none of that could have happened.
Brett in Minnesota

– Are you a doctor? If you are, you’re ignoring your Hippocratic Oath. If you’re not, shut your fucking cockholster.

What’s your abomination’s name then?
Chante in Sydney

– Ruffles. Short for Rufalin Petticoats McKickass Esq. I think you’ll agree that’s a suitable asswhipping name.

Now, you have gotten down on us before about monogamy. Does that mean there’s no Mrs. Dr. McKickass?
Carmen in Detroit

– You wanna be the first, baby?

Dude, could you just answer her question?
Bradley in Las Vegas

– Fine. No, there’s no Mrs. Dr. McKickass. Yes, there used to be. Things happened. There isn’t anymore. Happy?

What, like…you got divorced?
Clay in Seattle

– No. Sometimes my practice can get a little too awesome and people around me get hurt. My memoirs will tell all.

Memoirs? You’re coming out with memoirs? When/what’s it called?
Jamie in SC

– Well, since “Memoirs of a Geisha” was already taken, I decided to settle on “I Can Snap Your Neck With My Dick. Count On It”. It comes out April ’10 and it’s published by Random House. It’ll be big.

You…you actually got that title approved?
Barry in Oklahoma

– You got it, chief. It was more of a concession on their part. The original idea was “I Cum Awesome and Shit Rockin’. Oh, and I Gave Your Mom a UTI When We Fucked Last Tuesday”. They said it was too long a title.

I’m stunned. I honestly don’t understand how you aren’t in prison yet. Do you feel any remorse for yourself?
Jackie in San Diego

– If by “remorse”, you mean “total assurance that I have kicked and will continue to kick more ass than anyone ever has done ever”, then yes. Yes, I do.

How did you come up with your name of Dr. Awesome McKickass?
Chad in Miami

– How did I…my parents gave me the name when I was born! I come from a proud line of McKickasses ever since we left Scotland by surfing on our giant mantackles. And I earned this doctorate. I earned it. Don’t you dare tell me I didn’t. I will cut you. I will find you in Miami and cut your pretty face. I have ways of finding you. Awesome ways.

Ahem. Thanks for chatting, everyone. Until next time, stay awesome. If not, well…maybe you should die. In a fire of awesomeness. Dr. McK out!

The Doctor Is In #1

Posted: April 4, 2009 by kaostheory in Mailbag

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

I’m Doctor Awesome McKickass and I’m welcoming you to Dan Eats Cat Food. Being the epitome of awesome I am, plus a doctor, I feel that it is part of my duty here to keep an open rapport with the fans. So, every Friday I will be offering up a live chat transcript with the populace. Please enjoy. The doctor is now in.

Are you really a doctor?
Larry in Massachusetts

– Yes.

Jenna in DC

– Yes.

Where did you get your PHd? And when?
Pablo in New Mexico

– University of Maryland, class of nonayofuckinbiness.

What does it take to become a doctor in awesome?
Keith in St. Louis

– That’s a good question, Keith. It’s not nearly as easy as it may sound. It’s actually incredibly rigorous. You have to spend every waking minute making sure you adher to the three tenets of Awesome. It becomes a lifestyle, not just a program of study.

What are the three tenets of Awesome? I’ve never heard of them.
Alicia in New Orleans

– The three tenets are as follows: be awesome in sexual appearance and appetite, be awesome at sports and other non-sexual activities, and be awesome at drinking and carousing. There’s a faction in the program that is pushing for the addition of a fourth tenet, being awesome at giving back to the community, but strict conservatives vote it down every time. It’s the most contentious issue facing the program today.

Is there any real difference in how the tenets are covered?
Xavier in Montana

– Yes. While all three tenets must be adhered to, each student is allowed to choose an area in each of them to specialize in. For example, I personally specialized in foreign beer (with further emphasis on Belgians), American football (with an emphasis on examining the AFC) and marathon sex (doggie-style preferred). My personal best was twelve days without leaving my room, including for food and water. It was actually my thesis.

How long does it take to get a degree?
Felicia in Phoenix

– That depends on the student in question. If a student is dedicated to the goal, as I was, they can graduate in three years, give or take a few months. But if they spend their time dicking around with public service and monogamy, it can take up to six years. Some never graduate, being too lame to do so. It’s a shame but it happens.

What are awesome things?
Brendan in Washington

– I think that requires defining exactly what awesome is first.

What is awesome, then?
Trent in New Jersey

– There we go. Awesome is defined in the Bitchin’-cratic Oath (the oath all graduates sign upon leaving the program) as: “The mental and physical condition of being so totally fuckin’ rad that anyone who sees, hears, comes in contact with or even thinks of the object, person or animal in question feels his or her balls or tits grow a little bit”. This definition is very strictly enforced. Something cannot be “kinda” awesome. It is either awesome or it is not.

Okay, jackass. So what are awesome things?
Brendan in Washington

– I obviously can’t list all of them, since the status of awesome changes for things day-to-day, but I’ll list some that have become solid in that vein: fire, explosions, nuclear explosions, knives, swords, guns, big guns, blacksmiths, ninjas, pirates, robots, robot women, robot women with the possibility for sex, flexing biceps, sweet-ass air kicks, hot women, fairly hot women, women that aren’t that hot but are willing to do things that are illegal in Alabama, monkeys, squirrels, monkeys riding squirrels, Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey, bacon, bacon-wrapped bacon, turkey bacon with bacon bits, any movie by Stallone or Zack Snyder, Star Wars (the original three), Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, cocaine, X, morphine, anything alcoholic, missionary sex, anal sex, and anal sex with Brendan’s mom. That’s right, Brendan. Your mom likes it rough.

Is it only men that can be awesome?
Bridget in Salem

– Of course not! Some of my most awesome colleagues are women. In fact, my college girlfriend Abigail is so awesome that she has actually caused male porn stars to ejaculate prematurely just by winking at them. God, I miss her. I should call her up and see how she’s doing…

So what do you use your degree for?
Grace in New Zealand

– Every student does different things with their degree. Personally, I’ve opened a clinic designed to aid those critically ill with not-awesome. I have seen some heartbreaking sights, I shit you not. A man that couldn’t drink alcohol because it made him gag. A woman who wouldn’t have sex with her boyfriend on moral grounds. And worst of all, a man who couldn’t flex his biceps.

That sounds horrible! How did you fix him?
Vickie in London

– I’ll be honest. It wasn’t easy. A strict treatment of weight-lifting, boozing, hooker-sexing, and Rambo-watching has helped a bit, but we won’t know the full results until the beginning of next month. It takes time to suss out why he’s such a pussy. Alright, last question everyone!

Is your name really Awesome McKickass?
Kellen in New York

– It is now.

Thanks for chatting, everyone. Until next time, stay awesome. And if you can’t, that’s why I’m here! Deuces!