Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

The State of Dan Eats Cat Food Address

Posted: March 31, 2013 by kaostheory in Uncategorized

I’m sure you’re anxious to know where this has gone. Truthfully, it’s just been not as much of a priority. I have graduate school work that is piling on, I am in the process of publishing my first novel, and being funny is just…difficult as of right now, even just at once a month.

So, here’s the dilly-o. Dan Eats Cat Food will be ‘publish as publish can’ for the foreseeable future. That may mean there are multiple entries in a month. That may mean that there are none for three months. I just don’t know.

I still love this site and what it’s been for me these past…many years. But it’s not fair to just let it sit without giving SOME kind of update for the few people that still read it. So that’s where we’re at.

It’s not a hiatus – because those are effectively quitting without saying so. It’s not even a postponement. It’s just readjusting the volume of the site. Who knows? It could always change.

Until next entry, stay so fresh, so clean.

As it is St. Patrick’s Day, I will…still not be writing this article in an Irish brogue because that is one of the most overdone journalistic/Internet website article attempts at being “fun” that exists. It’s not fun, it’s not cute and it’s not original. Instead, I’ll just listen to Dropkick Murphys and Flogging Molly and the Real McKenzies and drink Guinness. A lot of Guinness. Like, a six pack to this point in the night. And a Harp lager. I think that’s a reasonable compromise, yes? Let’s get to this.
After the massages, we were told to drink plenty of water to flush all the toxins out – and not “that kind of water” which my masseuse made a point to mention, to which I just grinned. So what then did we do? Went back to our room and drink most of a bottle of not-great white wine. Yes, we is smarterest brothers. Soon enough after that, though, we suited up and got ready to head to dinner. I will say with no hyperbole that we looked fantastic. Superfly was in his black suit with a pink-striped white shirt and I borrowed his light gray suit and wore my red shirt underneath. Yes, you would be correct to label us “hot bitches” in that moment. Downstairs, we snagged a cab with a crazy-ass Asian driver who whipped us around on back roads to get us to The Venetian, bitching about traffic and throwing out some incomprehensible diatribe about Osama bin Laden. No, I am not kidding. But it was hilarious.

In The Venetian, up an elevator, was our restaurant, Bouchon. It’s a fancy French place and it was, to say the least, awesome. We were attended to almost as soon as we sat down by our waiter who, hand to God, looked like Chris Kattan but sounded like Aziz Ansari. He was great. He talked with us, made us feel welcome and make sure we were taken care of. Hell, he even managed to slip us a free appetizer of some really good salmon mix. Superfly got the lamb and I got some fantastic braised short ribs to go with some solid wine. Of course, the meal can never be completely free of mistakes. Next to us for the last half of the meal were sitting a really hot MILF-ish lady and her nerd douche husband or boyfriend. Yes, there is a difference between douche and nerd douche. Regular douche are those idiots walking around with popped collars, calling each other ‘bra’ and drinking Natty Light. Nerd douches are the stuck-up, bespectacled jackasses with an unearned sense of superiority. Anyways, near the end of our meal, there was a crash and wine splattered our table, miraculously missing my pants leg. Seems Nerdouche was playing around with his glass and used the extent of his physical strength to snap the glass stem, hurtling his wine to the floor. We left soon after when another guy, clearly blacked out, at the table behind us spilled his beer and fell out of his chair. Still, great meal and Superfly left the waiter a very good tip. He honestly earned it.

Our next move was to trot on over to The Wynn to gamble a little and hop into Tryst, one of the newer clubs located there. Just a warning, The Wynn has some really shitty slot machines and winning there is just…it doesn’t happen much, if at all. One might actually call the casino the “Loss”…if one was a terrible pun-maker, of course. Anyways, due to my bro buying this big VIP package, we were in possession of VIP line passes complete with no cover. Yes. It’s just as awesome as you think it is. There’s not a whole lot more that’s more gratifying (especially in Vegas where money talks) than hearing some whiny fat bastard bitch and moan about not being let in even though he “has a table” and “will be calling the owner”, coming up in front of him, flashing the passes, having the bouncer nod and let us in and then walk past a good 350 people on our way straight into the club. The shocked and offended glares are wonderful.

Anyways, Tryst was…alright. We snuck in right near the beginning so there wasn’t a whole lot of traffic in the club yet. That made it easy to hit the bar, snag our Patron and Sprites (the official Viking Blood drink of Las Vegas), gawk at the dancing girls who really didn’t look into it at all and find a phenomenal spot outdoors. See, Tryst is half open-air with a huge, gorgeous waterfall and beautiful blue pool to hang out by. Which we did. It was mostly a pretty quiet stay, even though we helped out some Australian cougars by taking their pictures and having them take ours, those few pics basically the only time that we look presentable and/or not drunk. No, we didn’t tag the kitties, but they weren’t all THAT hot anyway. Soon enough, we got bored with Tryst and decided to take our talents to Tao, in The Palazzo, one of – what I have been informed – the hottest clubs in Vegas and maybe the world. Bitchin’.

Tao was…well, it’s one of the hottest for a reason. It’s awesome. It’s multi-level with a ton of rooms and lower lighting that, according to Superfly, made me look like Gordon Gekko. Now, here is where things go all weird for us. You see, as I’ve previously mentioned, money talks in Vegas. Vegas sluts are drawn like moths to flame to the wallets of rich dickheads. Regular dudes like Superfly and me have about as much chance of dipping our wicks in Vegas crotch wax as we would of…doing…something impossible. Shut up. Anyway, we were waiting in a quite long line to grab our (at this point) third go-round of Patron and Sprites when two things happened in the course of a few minutes.

First, a couple girls behind us started to fall on my brother. In an incredible act of bravado, we struck up a conversation with them and I whispered to my bro to get them to join us outside on the patio (a quieter area to talk). About this time, I felt someone run their hand down my arm. I turned to find a second pair of girls looking at me. One was…well, my brother’s later description was “wildebeest” but the other was very cute and for God knows what reason, interested in talking to me. Now, Superfly and I to this day disagree on whether or not she was Asian (I maintain she was, he insists she wasn’t), but she was definitely attractive enough to be puzzling. Apparently, she really liked my color scheme. Yes, that’s right, bitches. I can match colors very well. Anyways, I invited them outside as well and wanted to wait for them but Superfly hustled us out there to hang out for a while. I don’t think he actually knew what he was doing because, long story short, we left the club without seeing them again. My dick is still angry at me for leaving him out to dry like that.

Anyhow, our next stop was Pure in Caesar’s Palace. Honestly? It sucks. Well, maybe not sucks but both times we’ve gone, we’ve left within twenty minutes because it just doesn’t work. Not the best place at all. I mean, $10 for a damn Bud Light? That’s pretty shitty expensive, even for Las Vegas. By that point, our feet had really started to hurt, so we hitched another ride back to the Cosmo for a little more gambling. There, I proceeded to get fucked six ways from Sunday with a lousy-ass lying slot machine that sucked twenty bucks from me faster and with less impact than a drunk hooker. I’m still mad about it, actually. From there, it was off to bed since we were exhausted. Want to know why?

BECAUSE FUCKING DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME STARTED THAT NIGHT. Yes, at some point during the night, we lost yet another hour of sleep. We only realized this the next day when it dawned on us that we had gotten back to our room around 5AM. Long night, but honestly a really fun one.
With that, “Sunday” begins tomorrow for you lovely readers. Yes, this is going to be an almost-series for a few days while I try to recap this behemoth of a trip. You better enjoy it.

Rupert the Drunk Tries To Be Funny

Posted: July 14, 2010 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

OK, so the editor asked me to write something.  I am a day late, but whatever.  It’s hard to be funny.  You try it sometime.  Anyway, I need to think of some sort of article.  What about?  No.  What about…well, we tried that

1 min- OK, we need some beer.  I picked up some Heineken light, maybe that will help.

10 min-World Cup?  That just ended, I know.  But maybe we can do jokes about the final game?  Something involving Spain?  They won, right?  1-0?  Who the hell thinks that’s a sport.

15 min-OK, you know what, Spain.  We will focus about Spain.  Spain is funny.  Tacos are from Spain.  Tacos are funny.  Therefore Spain is funny.  That’s logic, bitches!

23 min-OK, we need more stuff about Spain. So far I have tacos, bullfights, and hookers.  What about a bull confusing a taco for a hooker?  Wait, how would that work.  Christ, I need more beer.

Editor’s Note: At this point, the beer started to kick in. Rupert spent eight minutes mutter about his hunger for tacos and his desire for hookers.  He went back to the article after a few minutes.

31 min-Why are certain things funny? Why are squirrels funny?  Funny squirrels.  I wonder if they could read minds.  I wonder if they put squirrels in tacos?  I want a squirrel taco.

40 min-OK I have….five hundred words?  Awesome, I think I’m done.  Time for a celebratory beer.  Damn these things always go..what’s that…the opposite of slow…quick!  These things always go quick

Editor’s Note: Rupert’s original draft was five hundred words consisting of “squirrels, tacos, hookers, bulls, soccer, those shaky wavy things that they shake when they dance, Spain is funny!” over and over again. We were forced to reject this draft, but could not convince Rupert to write another one as he slipped his pants onto his head.

1 hr-I am a Spanish soccer player.  I am a dancer!  Hookers love me.  I love beer!  It makes everything funny.  Watch me dance!

1 hr 15 min- Blarggh!

Editors note: We leave it to you whether or not Rupert managed to be funny.  We at Dan Eats Cat Food feel that he fell a touch short.

Guess What We Changed!

Posted: April 1, 2010 by kaostheory in Uncategorized

Danger world is filled with thousands of different cultures, all with dangerir own particular rituals and beliefs. However, as time goes on, cultures must necessarily modernize – becoming a different part of danger ever-expanding world – or risk losing dangerir place in it, both politically and culturally. Unfortunately, many of dangerse cultures see modernization as simply buying into danger Western way of life, which runs counter to some of dangerir beliefs. Even more so, modernity is seen as something that will only obliterate dangerir traditional way of life radangerr than help danger culture grow and prosper in today’s world. Because of this viewpoint, any growth or modernizing is –if not outright banned – prevented from occurring in order to protect danger state of dangerir values (in danger best case scenario) or even retaliated against with violence (in danger worst, and sadly, increasingly common case). In short, a cycle has been created that prevents modernity (defined as Westernism in some cultures) from existing in danger Eastern-Islamic world for fear of embracing secularism and breaking down traditional values. Modernity is prevented through danger values being locked into danger political system of those cultures. Dangerse values, dangern, must endure in dangerir current form not only because of danger opposition to modernizing, but because dangery do define how dangerse cultures operate within danger world at large.
Perhaps defining exactly what modernity is should be danger first concern when considering danger possibility of it existing in danger Eastern-Islamic world. Francis Fukuyama, in his piece “Has History Started Again?” defines it, although not in so many words, as “modern liberal democracy and market-oriented capitalism” (Fukuyama 1). This is a fair description but may not fully encompass exactly what danger word means. Modernity is not simply confined to how a state’s government acts in danger international world. It expands beyond danger political and economic sectors into reactions toward certain cultural aspects, chiefly that of religion. Those countries and cultures that refuse to embrace modernity are oftentimes danger countries that have a state religion that prohibits danger expansion into danger modern world or even tolerance of odangerr religions.

That being said, is it possible for modernity to expand into danger Eastern-Islamic world? It would appear as if that particular option is unlikely at best, for various reasons. To begin with, danger cultural divide between danger West and modernized countries and danger East and non-modernized grows steadily every day. As more and more non-traditionally-Western countries start to follow danger examples of danger United States and Great Britain, those countries that do not do so become increasingly separate from danger West, both culturally as well as politically. Without modernizing, diplomacy becomes more problematic and relations break down, at least in a sense. Simply put, why would danger U.S. want to spend time navigating political waters when it is clear that odangerr countries don’t want to cooperate? Even more so, ideals typically associated with danger West are losing what little relevance dangery had to danger Eastern-Islamic countries. “Western ideas of individualism, liberalism, constitutionalism, human rights, equality, liberty, danger rule of law, democracy, free markets, danger separation of church and state, often have little resonance in Islamic, Confucian, Japanese, Hindu, Buddhist or Orthodox cultures” (Huntington 13).
It is this last ideal in Huntington’s list – separation of church and state – that exists as danger most problematic issue in dealing with potential Eastern modernity and whedangerr or not it is a plausible consideration. Most Islamic countries tend to have a government that is ruled not by a constitution or by elected officials. Radangerr, dangery are run by members of danger religious party in control. Because of this, danger actions of danger state are driven not by interest in world affairs but radangerr by what danger leaders believe fits with dangerir official religious position. Danger problem with this is that not only do dangerir base dangerir domestic affairs on dangerir religious doctrine – which is inherently damaging to most specifically women – but dangery also introduce this religion into dangerir international politics as well, where it is both met and used with indifference or even hostility. As time has gone on, this position by usually Islamic countries has evolved from simply having a distaste for danger Western and modern world to having an active hatred for it. “In recent years it alone has repeatedly produced significant radical movements that reject not just Western policies but danger most basic principle of modernity itself, that of religious tolerance…what dangery hate is that danger state in Western societies should be dedicated to religious tolerance and pluralism, radangerr than to serving religious truth” (Fukuyama 4). Dangerse countries dislike or even hate danger West because danger West is more concerned with accepting and evolving as time going on, radangerr than simply following a rote set of religious rules. Unfortunately, this divide will continue to increase because, as Huntington puts it, “[a]s people define dangerir identity in ethnic and religious terms, dangery are likely to see an ‘us’ versus ‘dangerm’ relation existing between dangermselves and people of different ethnicity or religion” (Huntington 5). In short, because Western countries do not reflect danger same religious fervor that danger Islamic and Eastern countries do, dangery will become danger enemy, as dangery are viewed as danger ‘odangerr’, religiously loose or even secular. Ironically, Fukuyama makes that very same point earlier in his piece, saying that “modern democracy is a secularized version of danger Christian doctrine of human equality” (Fukuyama 2). Thus, as he defines modernity as containing democracy, danger point can be extrapolated to mean that modernity in fact demands secularism and equality. Due to this necessity that modernity must have a secular base, it can reasonably be assumed that modernity will not develop any time soon in Eastern and Islamic countries.

But what of danger traditional values that dangerse countries hold on to? Will dangery continue to withstand danger test of time and not crumble as fascism and communism did? Danger issue of separation of church and state is also quite relevant here. In his book Occidentalism: Danger West in danger Eyes of Its Enemies, Ian Burma explains danger crux of danger problem. “It is often said that one of danger basic distinctions between danger modern West and danger Islamic world is danger separation of church and state. Danger church, as a distinct institution, did not exist in Islam. To a devout Muslim, politics, economics, science, and religion cannot be split into separate categories” (Burma 6-7). Since it has worked a certain way throughout hundreds of years, a particular way of life – in this case religion as culture – will be less likely to break down simply because it has become so engrained in danger very makeup of danger culture. However, danger Islamic culture is not danger only society to have tradition and religion define dangerir actions and beliefs. “Danger Japanese tried to reinvent a distorted idea of medieval Christian Europe by turning Shinto into a politicized church” (Burma 7). Furdangerrmore, danger entirety of danger claims of those who wanted to stay traditional – danger intellectuals mostly – sound nearly like a carbon copy of danger rationale used by danger Islamic fundamentalists.

“Westernization, one opined, was like a disease that had infected danger Japanese spirit. Danger ‘modern thing,’ said anodangerr, was a ‘European thing.’ Dangerre was much talk about unhealthy specialization in knowledge, which had splintered danger wholeness of Oriental spiritual culture. Science was to blame. And so were capitalism, and danger absorption into Japanese society of modern technology, and notions of individual freedoms and democracy…[a] holistic, traditional Orient united under divine Japanese imperial rule would restore danger warm organic community to spiritual health” (Burma 2-3).

Dangerse beliefs reflect not only a base desire to return to a former way of life – danger ‘good old days’, so to speak – but danger yearning for danger ‘outside world’ to follow suit, to go back to danger more traditional ideals. And many countries actually are. According to Huntington, “a return to danger roots phenomenon is occurring among non-Western civilizations. Increasingly one hears references to trends toward a turning inward and ‘Asianization’ in Japan, danger end of danger Nehru legacy and danger ‘Hinduization’ of India, danger failure of Western ideas of socialism and nationalism and hence ‘re-Islamization’ of danger Middle East, and now a debate over Westernization versus Russianization in Boris Yeltzin’s country” (Huntington 4). Those countries that traditionally don’t fall under Western or modern values are stepping back and attempting to once again embrace what has been assumed to be lost. Of course, danger disappearance of dangerse values – at least danger perceived disappearance – is blamed on modernization. Islam continues to build a sort of counter-culture to danger Western world by using modernization as danger source of all evils. “This new form of radical Islam is immensely appealing because it purports to explain danger loss of values and cultural disorientation that danger modernization process itself has engendered” (Fukuyama 4). By explaining away how dangerse values ‘disintegrate’ in dangerir eyes, danger countries are able to persuade those who are unsure to see modernization not as something that could improve a standard of living but as something that has broken what used to work just fine. Even more, this allows dangerm to shape a standard combative interaction with danger rest of danger world which has modernized, knowing full well that dangery will have danger support of those in dangerir culture. In short, danger non-Western cultures – and Islam in particular – are relying on dangerir traditional values to create and manipulate how dangery work inside danger international political system. Because dangerse values have – at least for danger foreseeable future – defined how dangerir domestic and international political systems will be addressed, danger odds of dangerm breaking down seem slim at best.

As danger world changes, cultures are provided two options: modernize or retreat back to tradition. Those that modernize and those that do not seem to interact acceptably when dangery are in agreement. However, it is when danger disagreements occur that we can see just how truly far apart danger cultures of danger world really are.

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

OK, so I found this old TV show Max Headroom on The Pirate Bay. It has that real skinny bastard from Dawn of the Dead and Watchmen in it. You know, that guy who played Muloch?  Well, anyway, it seemed like a good way to avoid real work. OK, OK, it’s St Patrick’s Day and they won’t let me into any of the bars.  Apparently they read about my exploits last year and decided “they didn’t want to deal with any of that.”  I can’t help being the way God made me.  And I hope that mick bastard got banned too.  Anyway, I found Max Headroom on The Pirate Bay. It features 80s video graphics and a man who stutters.  Sounds like the perfect thing to drink to!  Luckily, I have some Heineken left as well as some Guinness.  What?  It would hardly be St. Patrick’s Day without it.  Anyway, let’s begin.

1 min-Why I am watching TV static? I know there are credits over it, but seriously, what gives?  I could just not pay my cable bill again if I wanted to watch that.

5 min-This film looks bad.  Like someone’s YouTube channel.  I mean the film it was shot on and stuff.  And this was considered cool in the 80s?  Fuck you 80s.  I’m having another Guinness.

12 min-OK, so they want to condense commercials into three seconds.  Good for them?  I wish I could drink beer in three seconds.  That would free up a lot of time.

18 min-Haha-Fattie go boom!  Hahaha.

(editor’s note-Rupert is referring to a seen in which an advertisement does, in fact, cause a man to spontaneously combust.  It is quite graphic.  Rupert has apparently lost all human decency.  We at Dan Eats Cat Food blame the Guinness.)

23 min-Oh, I see.  Max Headroom.  Like that sign in Parking Garages.  Max…Headroom.  Screw it, I’m having another drink.

31 minutes-Why is that man not wearing underwear?  He needs to be wearing underwear.  I like to say that word for some reason.  It’s funny.  But man ass is not funny.

40 min-Oh my God, what is that thing?  It has no soul.  It has no soul!  It wants to steal my dreams!  Stop Stuttering!

45-So…this…thingie…stutter thingie…gets his own show for saying random shit?  Why can’t I have…own…oh look, pretty lights!

56 min-Blargh!

(editor’s note-it this point, Rupert relieved himself on his computer chair and started to take a nap.  He woke up later to swear at a random Irish man that only he could see.)


Posted: September 29, 2009 by kaostheory in Uncategorized

Alright, I’ll just keep this short and sweet. Life fucking sucks right now. I won’t get into why, but suffice to say, it does and being funny is about the last thing on my mind at present. I can’t come up with anything funny idea-wise and if I do, I can’t follow through. Therefore, Dan Eats Cat Food is going to go on a bit of a hiatus until I get shit figured out. Hopefully this isn’t permanent. Hopefully stuff starts falling in an awesome way and I can get back to stuff that I actually enjoy. But until then, I can’t in all good conscience keep stringing the three or four of you who read this along any longer. Hopefully Raybestos or Pred3000 can get something up, but I can’t promise a thing.

So, adieu for now.


Rupert the Drunk Returns from his Hiatus

Posted: July 14, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

Rupert the Drunk Returns from His Hiatus

Hey everyone.  I know, I know, I’ve been out of the loop for a while.  There is a reason for that: I was kidnapped by pirates.  No, not those Somalian posers.  I’m talking real, eye patch wearing, wooden leg having, yo-ho-hoing pirates.  They lured me on board their ship with rum and..well, I’m not really sure what happened.  All I know is I woke up in Barbados with no money and I wasn’t able to walk right for a month. So, I missed a lot back home and hopefully I can catch up. Well, the big thing in the news is Michael Jackson’s death.  Luckily, my roommate Tivoed the memorial service for me.  So, I guess I should pull out some of that rum the pirates gave me and watch it.

0:01-OK, so Diana Ross isn’t going to make it?   Isn’t she getting his kids?  Or is that Geraldo Rivera?  Man, this is good rum.

0:20-Ok, so they finally got the casket out.  Man, that is a shiny coffin.  That guy must have been loaded.

0:25-OK, that’s…Jermaine…Tito…Mar…Groucho..Harpo…which one’s Harpo? And they all have that glove on. Whee!

Editor’s Note-At this point, the small bottle containing the rum ran out.  Rupert went to his refrigerator and grabbed another.  In fact, he appears to have enough rum to last him for the rest of the summer.

0:45-Who’s this pregnant chick singing the Free Willy theme song?  Man, I am surprised she agreed to do this.

1:00-OK, Kobe Bryant.  Did you know Michael?  Did you?  Did you REALLY know Michael?

1:05-Ah, Magic Johnson.  He is a little to obsessed with KFC.  I think I saw the KFC logo on the coffin.  Magic Johnson’s cuff link says KFC!  I want some KFC.  Someone get me some KFC!
1:23-Whoo.  Jermaine’s singing! Something…smile…wonder what the song’s called?  Smile….there is is again

1:31-The glove is a lie!

editor’s note: At this point, Rupert went rummaging through his closest searching for the sequined glove he was now convinced was out to kill him.  Meanwhile, Al Sharpton addressed Jackson’s children stating that “what your dad experienced was strange.”  I think we can all agree on that.

1:53-Note: Rupert had discovered a sock that he was desperately trying to strangle.  And John Mayer was playing “Human Nature.”

2:00-So, when does Prince perform?  I like Prince.

2:17-We are the Squirrel…We are the are the ones whomadealighterstay, so let’s start…oh God, there’s the KFC logo again!


Editor’s note-At this point, Rupert passed out and missed the touching tribute Paris gave to her dad.  He will see it later on Youtube and wonder what he was doing when that was on.