Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

The Worst Online Dating Ad In The History of Dating

Posted: January 31, 2013 by kaostheory in Rants
Tags: , , ,

While we have covered the nightmarish morass known as online dating before, it appears that many have not understood the depths of insanity that it can provide. It seems that some of you do not truly grasp how depraved, soulless, and Lovecraftian it can be. Thus, we have resolved ourselves to creating out of the swirling blackness an example so dark, so evil, so terrifying…that it can only serve to illuminate the horror that is online dating. A word of warning, if we may. This projection is (God willing) not real, but it shall be constructed so that it appears as such. If you are offended by such a frank portrayal of madness, be warned. If you are offended by many of the stereotypes presented therein…go fuck yourself with a splintery Louisville Slugger. Thank you. We begin anon.
——
xxxSeXXXiiBaBiii6969xxx

(insert picture of the most grotesque figure of ostensible womanhood your fevered mind can dredge up)

Yo., my name iZ jANNAlynne an i m 24 yrs yung and herrs a lil bout me, tha sexxxist bitch on tha whole dam block!!!!!!

i m righit now livin wit my ma and gma bcuz my exhusband is an ASSHOLE WHO CANT HANDLE A WOMMAN!!!

im goin thru a divroce right now bcuz my ASSHOLE ex beat me up alot and tried to kill me in June
he lockd me in a fridgerator and set it on fire but i made it thru with Gods grace and a halffull jar of mayo!!!

i got 4 kids who r my everything, they r my whole life n my world and you had better handle it
theyre names r Caidyn whose 7, Lexxxuss whose 5, T’Qua’Sia whose 4, an Joseph whos my pride n joy and is 2
funny story! Joseph won stop breastfeedin! he keeps pullin on ma tittles and tryin to get other girls titties too even tho i tell him that hes a bad boy for doing it but i cant stay mad athim becuase he is my pride an joy!!!!

fair warninr ! i m an pre op transexual so if u cant handle that, fuk right off!!! i havent felt lik a womman since i wuz a lil gurl so now that i got $$$$ comin in fromy my ASSSSSSHOLE ex for child support (only 2 are his LOL!!!) i kan finally be who i need 2 be!!!

im also tryin to lose 100 pounds bcuz i feel lik im 2 fat rite now an that the doctors tol me i hafta lose 100 pds bcuz they need ta oprate on me LOL!!!!

i m working on GED 2 bcuz i need 2 b educate 4 mi kids! kant let them grow up wit theyre mommy bein a MCD’s frier all theyre lives LOL LOL!!!
bcuz of that i also hat bad grammer n misspelld words bug me alot 2! u kan lern 2 typ rite if u tri!

4 stuff i lik 2 red, well i don lik 2 red it iz a waist of mi time! but the onlee things i DO read and luv SOOOOO much r Twilight an 50 Shads of Gray!!! edward an Christan are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot!!! y cant more men b lik them?! m i rite girls?!!!!???!?!? lol

i luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvvvvv Jersey Shore n Real Housewives tho! i luv seein the girls be so bad bitchez bcuz i m a bad bitch an can totally feel that!!!

wen will i find mi prince charming? i think bout dat all da time an how i kan find luve 4 him an how much i ned a daddy 4 mi kidz

i m a heavy smoker n i don care bout quittin it calms mi hert down and makes me feel guuuuuuuuuuud! LOL!!! alsao i m a pot smoker so if u dont lik dat den u r not tha man 4 me!!!

i love sex an luv doin sex wit guyz but i m not here 4 sex so dont message me if you want sex – thats disgusting

i m lookin for a man to do things my way. i m too indepdendent an opininated 2 jus go wit da flow so boyz u betta b ready 4 me LOL!!!!

i m a bad bitch so watch out wen u make me angry, i hold a grudge and kan yell alot so if u make me mad u better bring flowers LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

country gurl and muddin’ r sum words dat describ me – i luv bein in da cuntry an gettin dirty (if u no wut i mean ;););););))

first thing people noticed bout me is my hair extensions bcuz they r so pretty an look so real! den dey move 2 my beautiful ass and titties bcuz dey r beautiful! LOL! i m gnna miss my titties an all da free drinks!!! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

as far as religion goes, i m a atheist polytheist anarchocommunist Muslim i dont expect u 2 understand but u betta b respecful since its what i blieve!!!

ive been a freerange organic vegan for 4 years and my man better share that belief bcuz im raisin mi kids dat way 2 and i don want any meet in da house EVA!

i dont know why im here bcuz all men are ASSSSSSSSHOLES! an dey only wan 1 thing and that is sex and den they leav an u neva see them again

i like sniffing things to see if they smell like other things i kno its gross LOL!
i also lik 2 b bitten durin sex bcuz it makes me feel lik EDWARD is there wit me!!!

READ THIS SO U UNDERSTAN WHAT U R DEALIN WIT!!!!! IF U DON HAVE A JOB DAT PAYS BIIIIIIIIIGGGGGG $$$$$$$$$$$ AN U DONT LOOK FINE AS ALL HELL AND U GOT KIDS, STAY THA FUCK AWAY!!!! I AINT WANTIN TO PLAY WITH YOUR BROKE ASS!!!!

i hop u saw somethin u liked! hit me up an may-b u r mi next husband! 😉 😉 😉
——
That…I think my brain is actually bleeding. I feel moisture in my ears. There is a throbbing dead spot behind my eyes.

(You’ll get no arguments here. That was an abomination, you fucking animal. – ed.)

I’m going to go…do something else now. Something that doesn’t make me want to set fire to the rain and watch the whole world go up in a billowing flame heap.


I’m not exactly the kind of person that one would call “up to date” on trends. I don’t wear skinny jeans, listen to pop music, or understand the appeal of why the hell anyone would produce a movie detailing the life of a current pop star. The world doesn’t need more movies about Katy Perry or Justin Bieber or, God forbid it happen, Ke(dollar sign)ha. I actually include the “never happening” of that last one in my prayers every night. I do wonder about the title though. “Memoirs of a Drunken Whore” sounds pretty good. It doesn’t quite cover it though. Maybe “My ‘Music’Sounds Like A Seagull Being Strangled To Dubstep But I’ll Blow You In The Alley Behind Starbucks For A Mocha Latte And A Gram Of Coke So You May As Well Love Me”. That’s better.

Anyways, the reason I mention this is because I don’t understand one damn bit why that crapsack of mutilated paper pulp known as ’50 Shades of Grey’ is so damn popular. All I DO know is that its existence and popularity means I get to write a follow-up piece to the wildly successful (well, relatively) article about Twilight. It’s the Golden Age of mockery and sarcasm, I tell you what. Regardless of how great things are as a comedy writer, I could always use some extra cash to line my pockets with pornography, alcohol, and bootleg Joss Whedon DVDs. Thus, I am resolved to write chick porn using 50 Shades of Shit…I mean, Grey…as a barometer. And as a bonus? I’ll explain to YOU how to do it too.
——
First, as in last time, murder any thoughts you have about being a respectable or even literate writer. You aren’t going to be writing for the elite, the well-read, the academics. You are barely going to be writing for middle schoolers reading at a college level. You are writing for lonely, bored, horny housewives, teenagers, and bored talk show hosts. Having it have a legitimate, engrossing plot is kind of like adding parsley, fine china, and a glass of wine to spice up the presentation of a steaming horse dump. Focus more of your time on how you can use the medium to create the most filthy, degrading situation possible while still maintaining a semblance of respectability. Think “upgraded fan fiction” because, let’s face it, that 50 Shades garbage is literally that. It can’t hurt to be a fan fic writer either. Anyone who writes that has a throbbing tumor called “I hate literature” inside their heart and uses it to crap out “ships” of any potential character pairings under the sun. Don’t get me started on fan fic.

Next, decide what you want your main characters to do. Oh. That’s right. You want them to fuck. The rest is just gravy. Cool. Check that off.

After that, figure out what your characters are named. If you’re writing chick porn, this will take up a solid 80% of your work time on the “book”. You can’t name them something like Amy Jones and John Smith. Those are boring names, names of IRS agents and middle management candidates. Likewise, you can’t use names like Jagatha Messy and Hondo Awesome. Nobody is going to take you seriously (let’s be honest, they won’t anyways but I digress) if you write ‘Hondo and Jagatha boned like archaeologists on top of Hondo’s 1997 Chevy Pylon’ or whatever. You need to create dark and steamy names, like Vanessa St. John and Juan Carlos Fancypants…I mean, Trenton Green. If it sounds like it could conceivably be a porn star but only in one of those high class X-Art ones (as opposed to, say, Gaping Assholes 8), you’ve hit the sweet spot. And so will your readers…if you get what I’m saying. I’m saying that they will play with themselves.

Naturally, take into account the audience while describing the characters. Naturally, the protagonist must be a legal-aged girl, probably a fresh-faced college student or even right after graduating. She has to be shy and naive, with no more sexual experience than a half-hearted handjob in the back of a Denny’s kitchen. Obviously, she must be a virgin. She has to have no confidence in herself and see herself as a plain, unassuming wallflower. Basically, if you do a copy/paste of every garden variety Twilight knockoff bullshit, you’ll have it down. And the man must be tall, strikingly handsome, broad-shouldered, and brooding, with impeccable taste in clothes, a high-paying job, no current relationship to speak of, and miraculously well-endowed. Of course, he has to be irresistibly attracted to the protagonist and, by proxy, the reader. I swear to God, this shit is like porn had a retarded baby with a chick flick. It’s like Naughty America banged 27 Dresses or some shit like that.

Also, since you’re writing porn for girls, which is much more about the experience than the actual act, you need to use euphemisms to describe what is happening. You can’t go too clinical, since “He placed his penis inside her vagina and performed intercourse until they both achieved orgasm”. Yes, that may be what happened but…snore. You also can’t really go too vulgar, since that can be a turnoff. “He fucked her cunt with his dick until they both came” also describes what happened but it’s so…inelegant. And yes, that is a concern of yours. Instead, use lines like “Trenton teased her gently opening flower with his turgid manhood. Vanessa felt her nethers quiver with excitement and, as he pushed her open, she felt herself becoming filled with an almost holy sensation. They began to merge as only lovers can and (yadda yadda yadda) they both felt a surge of heat as they crested at the height of their passion and fell to the bed, a tangle of limbs and satisfaction.” THAT is what gets the housewife tang all stirred up.

Since this is apparently the trend, don’t be scared to introduce some ‘taboo’ elements to the sex. 50 Shades decided to dive into the BDSM lifestyle (wrongly, I’ve heard) with the main dude apparently beating the crap out of the girl? I don’t know, I haven’t read it. So that’s right out. Since you want to distinguish yourself from the soon-to-be-arriving herd of copycats, why not take things to the logical extreme? Instead of spanking and handcuffs, try watersports and bloodplay. Instead of contracts and submission, have the girl take a dump on a glass coffee table. Make your characters have the kind of sex that even Max Hardcore would call “a bit too extreme”. End the series with snuff. You know you want to.

Lastly, after it naturally takes off and becomes a poorly-hidden dirty pleasure for soccer moms across the world, hang yourself with a shower curtain. That way, your poison and evil can’t infect the world with sequels, PLUS your faithful readers will call it a fitting way to leave this world. Win-fucking-win.

——
(You really have a problem with popular lit these days, huh? – ed.)

No. I have a problem with literal fan fiction and its metamorphosis into something considered worthy of publication. I have a problem with crap like Twilight and 50 Shades becoming popular while real writers struggle to make ends meet. I have a problem with the increased retardation of the next generation. You are going to have twelve-year-olds choking each other with a belt within six months. Mark my words. These are the End of Days.

(…a bit dramatic, wouldn’t you say? – ed.)

There is no such thing as too dramatic, Ed. Not while evil reigns. I need a drink.

(You always do. Goodnight, everyone. – ed.)


In this modern world, we as human beings – and we here at DECF especially as comedy writers – thrive and almost depend on ready, waiting and infinite Internet at our fingertips. We all subsist on a constant, steady diet of social networking, time-wasting websites, email programs, sports game updates, webcomics, game cheat sites, YouTube videos, online dating and, of course, mass quantities of pornography, almost always free and/or easily downloadable. It becomes as much a part of our daily routine – indeed, our LIFE – as eating, sleeping, having sex or consuming pornography. So what, then, happens when that access, that lifeblood becomes severed? Becomes removed and unavailable? If you were to go without eating, you would lose weight and eventually turn into Lindsay Lohan. If you were to go without sleeping, you would become pale and sickly and exhausted and eventually turn into Lindsay Lohan. If you were to go without sex, you would have your testes swell to near-gargatuan proportions and then explode and eventually turn into Sean Penn. Well, we here at DECF are willing to help you out. There are eight steps in coping with it and we would like to share those with you today. We just need to indulge in pornography first. It’ll be just a few minutes.
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Step One: Confusion: Surely something must be wrong. Why, just a moment ago that little icon in the very corner of the screen was happy and blue, the little circle indicating that the wireless connection was raging like a teenage hard-on in Victoria’s Secret. Seriously, I was literally JUST working on editing together a YouTube video to surreptitiously piece together a music video to showcase my balls playing in the NBA. I need to get this done. The people must see this! They must hear the siren call of my ballsack in a throwback Kings jersey! This is important, damn it! There must be some kind of mistake, a momentary glitch in the system. It’s okay. It happens. Nothing can be perfect. It should be back in just a second. Any second now.

Step Two: Realization: The Internet connection is gone. It’s left you. What did you do to so upset it so, you bastard? Did you hit it? Did it show up at work the next day with a black eye and a split lip, claiming that it tripped over a dog toy and fell down the stairs? Did you scream at it while you were drunk, calling it a whore and accusing it of sleeping with Fred, that goddamn taxidermist the next town over? Or was it a more passive neglect? Did you tell it you loved it anymore? Did the lovemaking lose all its passion? Did you even make love anymore? Did you just opt to sit and watch the Rangers game while drinking whiskey instead of engaging in foreplay? Frankly, I don’t blame it for leaving you.

Step Three: Anger: Are you serious? FUCK THIS THING! FUCK THIS SHIT! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! GODDAMN SHIT ASS-BITCH CUNT AIDS RAGE! I WILL SHIT ON ITS GRAVE AND ON ITS FACE! I WILL DIG ITS CORPSE UP AND SHIT ON IT AND THEN PISS ON THE CORPSE! YOU ASSHOLE! YOU DICK! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! FUCK YOU! Please come back. FUCK YOUR ASSHOLE! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAGH!

Step Four: Bargaining: Okay. Okay, I’m cool now. It’s cool. Okay. Alright, Internet fate. Let’s talk bargain here. You give me my Internet back immediately and I’ll stop fucking around with it. I won’t just leave the computer all on night, sucking up those precious Internet juices. I won’t intentionally troll the Net for sites to test out my antivirus and give it a nice workout. I won’t even leave porn up all day, coming and going as is my wont. Okay? Is that an acceptable deal for you? I’ll give you all that if you just bring my Internet back right now. Now. Okay how about…now? Are you listening?

Step Five: Anger: OKAY! THAT’S HOW IT’S GONNA BE, HUH? YOU FUCKSTICK! I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU THE WORLD BUT YOU JUST IGNORE ME LIKE SOME MENSTRUATING WATERFOWL? FUCK YOU! YOU DON’T WANT TO PLAY NICE? FINE! FINE! I CAN HANDLE THAT! I WAS JUST GOING TO LET YOU OFF THE HOOK BUT NOW? NOW IT’S TIME TO GO! WE CAN PLAY HARDBALL, YOU BLEEDING ASS-SACK! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I DECIDED TO JUST PUT A FUCKING AXE THROUGH YOU, HUH? WOULD THAT BE FUN? THAT’D BE FUN FOR ME, THAT’S FOR FUCKING SURE!

Step Six: Depression: It’s never coming back, is it? I’m going to be without my Internet forever. Lord, I miss it. I do. I know I never really treated it as well as I should have, but I didn’t think it was going to leave me. I thought we would just go back and forth, sniping at each other but always with love in it forever. I can say it now. I miss it. I do. I don’t want to, but I do. I should have taken more pictures. I should have downloaded more porn. I should have written more articles. And now I will never have that chance again. Damn it. I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.

Step Seven: Anger: YOU BITCH! WHY DID YOU LEAVE? WHY? I NEED YOU, YOU WHORE! I NEED YOU! BUT YOU LEFT AND I’M REELING! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME? I’M A WRECK! I’M A MESS! I’M DRINKING MYSELF TO DEATH AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! WHEN I DIE AND LEAVE A BLOATED, WHISKEY-DRENCHED CORPSE, YOU WILL BE TO BLAME AND I WILL BE SURE TO NOTE THAT IN MY SUICIDE NOTE! THAT’S RIGHT! I’M COMMITTING SUICIDE BECAUSE OF YOU AND I’M NOT EVEN GAY SO IT’S NOT FUCKING TRENDY! THAT’S RIGHT! FUCK YOU!

Step Eight: Accep…Oh Wait, It’s Back: Neat! Okay, cool. Let’s do this. Back to the porn downloading. I heard they have some good shit I don’t have my hands on yet.
——
(Are…are you okay with that joke? – ed.)

Which joke?

(You KNOW which joke. – ed.)

No?

(Just…forget it. If we don’t get hate mail over this, we never will. Let’s see how this turns out. – ed.)


Over the years, many people have been proclaiming that “rock is dead.”  Some are serious and point to Justin Bieber (hard to argue with that one) still others are being ironic and insist that now is the time for “paper and scissors to strike.”  Society generally hates those people.

But I am hear to tell you of another of another musical death – the death of Guitar Hero. This used to be the creme de la creme of video games.  Many evenings were lost to the flailing of toy guitars and the countless fourteen year olds pretending, for just a few minutes, that there talent was enough to make Eric Claption weep and retire, knowing he had seen the better axe man. Now that is all gone – people have moved back to gore and violence, leaving their musical ambitions behind. Guitar Hero is over.

Or maybe my complaint is just because my controller is broken and I have no money to buy a new one.

But hear me out. It is downright impossible to go and find any of the many peripherals associated with Guitar Hero.  You have a better chance of walking into Best Buy and finding, say,  a copy of The Declaration of Independence. Do me a favor.  Go to any Gamestop near you.  Seriously, go on.  Don’t keep reading expecting more jokes about boobs; those will come later.  You have some business to take care of.
Back yet?  Did you notice how there are practically no Guitar Hero or Rock Band accessories for sale?  That’s right; they are not for sale because there is not as big a market as there once was. You can probably find all the games severely discounted.  You may be able to find the cheap peripherals. But even the newer releases are hard to find.  A place near me had only one copy of DJ Hero left in stock. I have never even seen anyone play it.  This wholesale rejection of DJ Hero has become the norm.  The only people who honestly buy every single release are people who like hoarding or people who have no chance of ever seeing a naked woman.

Why?  Because the makers of the game over saturated the market.  We did not need dozens of titles of Guitar Hero but that is what we have.  We also do not need specific titles for specific bands (Guitar Hero Van Halen?).  Yet, again, we have them.  I am not sure why they felt this was a good idea. Oh wait; the almighty dollar.  This has lead to more bad ideas than any other thing in history.

So, what does this mean?  It means that these games will no longer cause people to line up around the block to buy them, or force kids to bring in jars full of pennies as though they are some sort of orphan in order to afford all the peripherals. What will happen is that most copies will end up collecting dust in the corner, with people casually asking if they want to play, only to be greeted with a chorus of indifference.

I remember the first time I played.  At the time, it seemed like the coolest thing in history. I, too, could be Ace Frehley (the song I kept playing was “Strutter”).  Most of the people seemed to agree with me.  The line to play at the party was what gathered the most attention.  The making out in the middle of the room?  Forget it, we had a guy who was about to five star “Sweet Child O’ Mine.”  Even the alcohol was ignored.  How strong does something have to be to get a room full of college students to ignore alcohol?  It requires some sort of cosmic radiation – trust me.

So, I have explained why Guitar Hero is dead. Bu why then would I say “long live Guitar Hero?”  Because it was an important part of our generation (you do not have to read this next paragraph.  It will contain very few jokes, except about drunken people and the memories they share).  There are many people, who, for brief periods of time, honestly did feel they were rock gods.  These same people, depending on what time in the evening it was, also believed they could fly and that the toilet was their best friend.  We all shared a fantasy.

We should not weep too long for Guitar Hero.  It was a momentous success that was the envy of all.  Besides, as with any fad, it must have a time gone.  But feel free to weep for a little while; there are great memories to be had.  Still, it is now important to go ahead and find some other way to occupy your time.

Like, for example, looking at pictures of boobs. (See?  I told you they were coming.  That pun is also completely intended.)

The Anguish Of An English Geek On The Internet

Posted: February 17, 2010 by kaostheory in Rants
Tags: , ,

Not all of our articles at Dan Eats Cat Food are drunken, vitriolic rages at holidays and women. Sometimes we go deeper, further down the rabbit hole, exploring new, horrifying areas that require our attention. This entry is one of them. But first, some back story.

We were not always the multinational corporation with thousands of stockholders and a quite lucrative pension plan that we are today. No, in the beginning, there was just we few – we happy few – who fought and scrapped and dug for every last comic idea we could find, even to the point of resorting to wholesale plagiarism from similar low-key comedy websites. It was a nasty world back then, but we had to put kobe beef on our plates, damn it! Where was I? Oh yes. In that time, we had reporters scouring the earth for unmined sources of comedic gold. This is the tale of one such brave reporter.

This article has been in our files for many years. We have always felt that to publish it it would sully the memory of such a brave man, reducing him to tears and vomit of insanity instead of those of drunken irresponsibility. However, the flood that he speaks of has begun to re-emerge and it would be foolhardy – nay, dangerous – to deny the world such insight in such a time as this. Be forewarned, however. A man seized with madness tells tales of unimaginable horror. Your dreams, as ours, may become haunted with the spectre of such evil. Let us begin.
——-
Entry 1: My hand…it shakes as I write this. It as if my very nerves themselves rebel against me now. And who would blame them? For all that they – I – have seen, I would expect no better from them. Perhaps a tip of my flask will calm me.

It is later now. I have begun to relax, the anxiety seeping away from me with every sip of my whiskey that I take. I curse the day that I accepted this assignment from Code Name KaosTheory. That son of a bitch. He knew that sending out here would be a suicide mission. He just wanted me out of the way so he could place his sorry excuse for a pecker betwixt the breasts of that new accounting clerk. Well, I’ll show him! I’ll make it back and expose him for the –

(It is at this point that the next seventeen pages of this entry appear to have been badly water-damaged, either from moisture and condensation from the air around him or perhaps an unfortunate encounter with the entirety of the contents of the office water cooler. The world may never know. Sadly, the damaged pages were unrecoverable. Heh. – ed.)

Entry 2: Regardless of my feelings towards that snake KaosTheory, I have been assigned this task and my sense of duty, honor and the fact that I am only paid upon completion of an article compel me to see it through to the end.

I suppose I should start from the beginning. What IS this mission that has so damned me? Where am I? What am I doing? Even now, these are as unclear to me as bathhouse glass, but I must try. I have been assigned to peruse that most foul of entities on the Internet: Facebook. Over the course of my assignment, I must go deep into the jungle of ignorance and attempt to analyze what godless atrocities are being perpetrated on my second love, the English language. My first love is Miss Penelope Wizenstein of Palm Springs, Florida. As a sidenote, if I do not return as I so often believe I will not, please send this entry along with proof of my death to her at her address. She must know of my love and of my sacrifice to my art. If you have any decency, you will comply with this wish.

(We just tossed the journal in a drawer and left it there for a few years. Our bad. – ed.)

(Also, I fucked her. – KT)

As I was saying, I must penetrate (Heh. – KT) as far as I can into these barbaric subcultures known as high schoolers and, as KaosTheory so verbosely calls them, “stupid fucking wastes of oxygen who deserve no better than to be beaten to death with a 2X4”. While I don’t approve in the slightest of his manic hatred of these creatures, I do agree with the assessment that these poor, backwards animals do create a sense of savagery that puts one ill at ease. They seem to gleefully cheer any time one of their miserable herd damages our language, going so far as to torment and cast out some of their ilk who strive for a better life. I will begin further investigation tomorrow. Goodnight, sweet Penelope. May you be looking at the same stars I am with the same love I give to you.

(Nope. Biting the pillow. Several times. – KT)

(KT, shut the fuck up and let the man tell his story. That’s an order. – ed.)

(FINE. Spoilsport. – KT)

Entry 3: The first place I am meant to explore more fully is a group entitled “Parents call it “Back Talk” we call it “explaining why their wrong”.” Oh. Oh dear. Well, setting aside the horrific arrogance explicated by the title – I fully believe that anyone who says this phrase is, in fact, talking back, I’m sure that the misspelling of the title is just a simple misunderstanding. Surely, people won’t be so stupid as to actually defend such a mistake.

“And nobody has to spell correctly enless ur in school and most of y’all are spelling these things WRONG!!!” Ah…hm. Well, one bad apple, right?

“Ok number one u fags who use numbers- there cant be like twenty number 3 and 2s number to for the ppl who rlly dont have n e thinf better to do- wtf does it Matter the diffrence!?! I dont even knoe the diffrence between most of them!! Now stfu and get a life get a gf or bf and get out and do something!! Ty for all the ppl who rnt total dumasses!!! ♥ / lyndee” – I…what? What in the world does having a significant other have to do with using proper linguistics? Clearly, madam, you are correct in your assertion that you do not know the difference between many grammatical issues. Such prescience is rare these days.

“Omfg… y isz yall fuckin kidsz so fuckin gay… lyk i put money… the dude whp made the mistake will beat the fuci outta all of yall…. with mah help…. to me yall just some fuck boysz who have no lyf… and stay on the computer all day… HOW ABOUT THIS…. GO KILL YURSELF YU FUCKBOYSZ… INCLUDING THE HATIN HOESZ….” – Erk. I was…I was unaware of the grammatical usage of the letter “z” to further explain…I don’t even know.

” Secondly, if you wanna be “grammatical” sentences do not start with because! Why? I do not know I didn’t make the rules. That was somebody who wanted to make life harder for people.” – Madam, I can assure you that the intent of the creators of that usage was not to make life more difficult but to offer a set of rules for writing, that is all.

“haha. Wow. Its the internet. Shit. Its facebook. No one says ne thing right on here. Iz no biggy. Their, they’re.. Sounds the same.. Gets the point across.. Why fuss ovr it?. – Why…why fuss over it? They are incorrect, that is why! If you use it wrong here, you will use it wrong everywhere.

I…I must leave this damned place. Rest my weary head to dream of cognates and thee and thou. My brain is stretched to capacity. Goodnight world.

Entry 4: It is another day. I fear it. As I opened my eyes, I cursed the world that I still was drawing breath. Today I am…no, it cannot me. I have…multiple groups to study. Lord, please guide me through this hell.

The first is…oh no, seriously? This can’t be right. “Seeing your ex with their new partner and noticing they have down-graded.” Maybe it’s not so bad.

“HAA TOLD U UR GONN REGRET THIS. NOW ITS CLEAR 2 U DAT AM D BEST U WILL EVA HAVE. COS DUDEANYTHING AFTER ME IS A DOWNGRADE! DUNNO WAT D HELL I WAZ THINKIN GOIN OUT WIT A LOSER LIKE U! KINDA FEEL SORRY 4 D POOR NEWGIRL HAAA YALL PERFECT 4 EACHOTHER:)” – Jesus Christ, my eyes! Blood is gouting from them as if they contained stigmata! Let me bleed out, O merciful fates!

There…there. They are clean. I feel woozy and I believe that the drying blood is attracting bugs and various native fauna to the site. I must depart and find a new group to study. Quickly now. We don’t wish to be consumed here. Not like this.

Next is…*sigh*…”Huh? Nothing. What did you say? Never mind. OMG JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID!”. Oh THIS will surely be a bastion of good grammar. I’m starting to go numb finally.

“Sumtimes it’s wen u accidently talk to urself u hav to say nevermind or wen u say sumthin that If it was heard the first time it can’t b said again if it was supposed to b a funny in the moment thing….. Nevermind is for many uses but u still do a gud point haha.” – “Do a gud point”? Is this some sort of mating ritual? I can’t decipher it. Capitalized words in the middle of sentences? Wen? Hav? B? It’s like some primitive language bastardization.

“SOMETIMEZ WEN YU SAY IT THE SECOND TIME IT LOSES MEANING SO THEN IT JUX ENDS UP LOOKIN LIKE YUR LAME… AM I RITE?” – No. No sir you are NOT right. “Jux” is not a word in the English language. It’s not even a word in HINDI, you miserable…*ahem*. Pardon me.

“yeahhhh…. im kinda to lazy too repeat it to lol” – This…this actually offends me. You used both “to” and “too” but incorrectly. You legitimately had the ability to use them right and you DIDN’T. What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I WANT TO FUCKING FIND YOU AND STRANGLE THE LIFE OUT OF YOUR USELESS CORPSE YOU FUCKING –

(This…goes on for several dozen more pages. Had we known the mental strain it was taking upon him, making him break his proper English bearing, we would have extracted him immediately. Unfortunately, we had no way of knowing. It gets worse. – ed.)

Entry 5: I am alive. Still. I do not know why. I do not understand why I am being punished so harshly in this life. What have I done to deserve such torment? This goes beyond abuse. It is as if I am not just actively seeking out Cthulhu but when I find him, I am jabbing him vigorously with a sharpened stick, bound and determined to make the world collapse under the weight of such roiling insanity. I pray for death but death does not come.

What do we have in front of me today? Oh, wonderful. “No you idiot, it’s not my “time of month” you’re just pissing me off”. Because frank discussion about the ins and outs of menstruation were what I desired the most today when I awoke from my tortured dreams.

“omg lads should realy 1be kikd in the balls every day for a week to understand wah pain ios lol” – Are you saying that we men deserve physical abuse of our testicles because we cannot empathize with the agony of bleeding from our orifices for a week each month? Madam, are you one of those feminists who demand equality in EVERYTHING? Or, as is my theory, are you just a cunt?

“time of the month?…. why do men think that periods are the answer to our moods……. it’s usually a load of b**ls: if it’s got balls or an engine it bound to be trouble – us women? we are almost perfect!!!! they just want to dismiss our opinions!!” – I can safely say that you are not almost perfect, to be quite frank. There is almost nothing more imperfect, in fact, than a woman!

(We here at DECF do not condone such rampant sexism. We fully believe that women are more than just warm holes to penetrate. – ed.)

(Speak for your damn self. – KT)

“Hahah. Wow Freddy and all the other douche bags on here saying crap. First of all I doubt that girl Sammy is a lesbian and even if she is NO GIRL str8, bi or lez would want you or your balls. And I surely as hell don’t and I am GAY LMFAO. How you like em apples?” – I…I don’t understand this. Not one bit. If she is a lesbian, surely that is an implication that she does not, as she put it, “want him or his balls”. Does that require raucous laughter?

“ok den ima invite my dad nd my mum my 3 brotherz nd 2 sisterz haha to join fb first then ur page lmfaoooo fukn old generation dumb fuks they cnt even use a fukn pc omg its sooo embarising haha” – For the love of God, Montressor!

(Here is where the tale ends, at least that which is decipherable. The last multiple pages are coated in a mixture of blood, tears, vomit and feces. It appears as if his gentle soul could no longer take the pressure building inside his brain. When we found him, blood leaking from his eyes and ears, he finally looked at peace. Requiescat in pace, my friend – ed.)

(So long and don’t let the door hitcha on the way out! – KT)
——–
Our story is now complete. Let us, however, never forget the sacrifice this man made for the good of all peoples. He suffered horribly and died, a broken, insane man. If you are one of us – bright, smart, lovers of grammar – fight the fight he began. If you are one of those evil multitudes that drove him to death…I hope you fucking rot in Hell.

Peace out, y’all!


In every culture in the world throughout history, there have been places to which the squealing, miserable masses have been relegated. For the Greeks, they would throw weak babies off cliffs. For the Romans, they would throw slaves into a lion’s den for fun. For native Africans, they would bash rival tribes with clubs and impale them on stakes. Yet, it was not enough. With each culture has come the inevitable giggling retard who masturbates in public and smears its own feces all over itself in an attempt to camoflauge itself. These “village idiots”, as it were, would be taunted and thrown into the wilderness to be savaged by predators and the elements. However, in this day and age, do we so rightfully do the same for ours?

FUCKING NO!

Instead of mercy-killing our retards, we give them a FORUM. We allow them unlimited access to that damnable creature known as The Internet where they are free to inhabit corners of the web, festering and breeding like roaches with fetal alcohol syndrome. Most of the time, we are able to keep them safely at bay in dank holes such as 4chan and various philia websites, but they have managed to elude Net defense mechanisms to infest one of the granddaddy sites of them all: YouTube. There, they sit and wait, content to gorge themselves on Internet memes and poor unfortunate genitalia being hammered with various objects and set on fire, until the day where something of actual merit appears. Then, as if sharks drawn to a bleeding seal or frat boys to lonely drunk cougars, they begin to swarm, spewing forth incomprehensible gibberish until the video dies with a shriek of agony nigh unto that which may well end the world. In the interest of academia, I shall examine a hypothetical video and the comments that appear underneath. Be warned. This is not for the faint of heart. Lesser hearts than yours have been shattered when staring into that abyss.

The video itself is immaterial. It could be something as innocuous as a man waving at the camera or as horrendous as a car crash with multiple fatalities. It matters not, for each video with a reasonable level of popularity will fall prey to the same basic comments by the same basic people.

The first commenters that will generally occur are the Genuinely Appreciative. These commenters are most often pleasant and thoughtful, as they attempt to show a sincere interest in the video and may offer constructive criticism. These, as unicorns in the Serengeti, are few and far between.

The next kind are the Shitstirrers. These pricks don’t care what the video is. They just hate it. It could be promoting peace worldwide and they would be against it. Their sole purpose is to run counter to anything anyone else thinks, a sort of anti-matter, if you will. They may try to be witty, but more often come off as mean and pissy.

Next, we have the Politicos. These are always fun. A song about how love is lovely will still turn into a debate for these jackasses. They are always, always extreme. There is no middle ground. They are either “George Warmonger Bush created 9/11 through his evil ties to Al-Qaeda and Satan and consumes the souls of the living through the Patriot Act” or “Barack HUSSEIN Obama shits evil from his black Muslim ass all over Israel and the American public. Also, he fucks bald eagles with gay rights and Communist policies”. While amusing at first, these soon become tiresome, as their rhetoric grows tired and limp, like a verbal marathon sex session with no physical release.

Coming off the Politicos are the inevitable Racist Scumbags. One would not expect “Lazy Town” or “The Wiggles” to elict rampant bigotry, yet, here we are. A video comment section may be cruising along when all of a sudden, wham! A casual reference to slaves or “nigras” will spawn a flame war the likes of which is seen only often in such sections. The “minority” hate will be slapped down by the majority of when all of a sudden, the African-American or Asian or Latino counterpart will enter the thread and begin a verbal jousting match with the eager asshole. The entire section will become involved in the battle as more and more combatants enter the fray. Soon, the video is lost, consumed by dickheads with too much time.

Very similar to the Racist Scumbags are the Haha, I’m A Joking Pederast But Not Really people. They’ll pop in as the dust begins to settle and make a “joking” comment about wanting to put his (it is ALWAYS his, ALWAYS fucking his) dick into Emma Watson’s or Dakota Fanning’s or Miley Cyrus’s poopshoot. This, of course, will offend just about everyone who will clamor for his head on a stake. His only line of defense is that he wasn’t serious and that people who are so bothered by it just should learn to take a joke once and a while and that he was definitely kidding and doesn’t really want to anally penetrate a minor but of course he actually does…the sick son of a bitch.

We could spend all day mentioning the other various offshoots of these. The Feminazis, The HomoLovers and Haters, The Americans and American’ts. The list goes on. But they are all the exact same. We must move on.

We come now to one of the spectacular failings of YouTube, that being the age limit. The Terms of Service technically recommend that nobody under the age of 13 use the site, but there is NO way to enforce this. Even if they COULD, the minimum age of 13 is ridiculous. And why. *ahem* BECAUSE THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS ARE THE MOST FUCKING BRAINDEAD BASTARDS ON THE PLANET. That is why. We now come to the Kiddies. Good. Gravy. While hateful rhetoric and general asshattery are bad, the minute a Kiddie enters a comment section, you will know. Text speak will be thrown around with such wanton disregard that Webster himself will be shitting himself in fury in his grave. An example – a real-life comment – before we leave this unholy ground. Be warned. Spontaneous combustion of corneae is common. From, and I am not kidding, JonasBrotherLuver53…and I quote…”ossum vid! btw wta song is dat? n i HATE JB AND MY USERNAME!”

…*blank, unseeing stare*.

The next on the list of the denizons of Hell’s domain are a two-fold problem. They are the Promoters. They can come in either human or spambot form, yet they approach the video comment section with the same lurking menace. Without regards to the appropriateness of their comments, they strike, offering cursory comments as they throw in the link to their own insidious purpose. It may be a porn site, a “win money now!” site or even just their own crappy-ass video that they are trying to artificially inflate the view counter for. Most often, they say something to the effect of “Wow, that video is funny! You can find other funny things at matylknakghbilnag.com!” Unfortunately, such a comment does not work quite so well for a Holocaust remembrance video.

The final jabbering, walking brain damage victims are perhaps the most dangerous: the Griefers. “Griefer”, a term used in MMORPGs (read: YouTube commenter factories), describes those players whose sole purpose is to ruin the game for other players. They are assholes through and through. These also exist on these videos, taking the Shitstirrers’ job and making it that much more vile, intentionally angering other commenters for “the lulz”, an archaic retard term for laughs. They will go to very great lengths to destroy any good and fun in the world. They are basically little Antichrists. Beware at all costs.

There you have it. I do not blame you if you feel like taking a shower after reading this. Any person possessing a brain stem would feel the same. Cleanse yourself and thank your Maker that you are not one of those unfortunate multitude damned to idiocy.

And if you are and you’re reading this, get the fuck out.

I’m 19 and I’m a PC…Damn it!

Posted: March 23, 2009 by wakenbake in Rants, Slice of Life

“I just made a 3D slideshow with interactive modeling and wrote 3 computer programs…I’m 3 ½ and I’m a PC.”….well you know what….Fuck you, I’m 19 years old and I can drive a car…what now bitch? While you’re writing programs and shit I’m off driving…drunk…or going to get drunk….but actually that’s shit’s depressing that a fuckin 3 and ½ year old can do shit like that. Damn kids and there fuckin advancements with technology….3 and ½ years old should be watching fucking SpongeBob or whatever not programming. What were the parents like “well we could let him watch SpongeBob…..eh Fuck that let’s make sure that they have no social skills and will most like never get laid….now what can we do to make sure of that….hmmmm…..I GOT IT COMPUTER PROGRAMING!!!!” That’s a sign that your parents hate you. I would never do that to my child…I would teach him how to roll.