Archive for the ‘Informative’ Category

Halloween For Kids: Then and Now

Posted: October 31, 2012 by kaostheory in Informative
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First off, all of our wonderful readers on Twitter need to follow @GrigorNR immediately. It’s an occasional dose of DECF compacted into 140 characters. Basically, it’s a free laugh. So…you know…do. Follow. The account. Yes.


Halloween is a time for ghosts and ghouls, goblins and…um…gallavanting? I’m not sure where I was going with that. But the point is that it’s one of the most fun holidays of the year, particularly when you’re in college and drunk and all around you are just masses of dancing, writhing, walking slut-costumes. You could practically walk around a college frat party with your dick jutting proudly out like a royal sceptre and trip and fall into sex. You know…if you were so inclined.

But Halloween isn’t just for obscene amounts of alcohol consumption and promiscuity in the bathroom of a frat house with a ballerina. It’s also about the children. NOT making the children. The actual little crotch-spawns running around being all cute. But Halloween is different now than when old men like me were walking around in the cuteness. No, it has a…darker edge to it. Why don’t we just compare Halloween traditions from back when we were children to the way they are now, hm? Well…we’re going to do it anyways.
Party Games
Then: Remember all the games that you would play at your school Halloween parties? You know, games like the spaghetti being brains and peeled grapes being eyeballs, bobbing for apples, cake walks…um…knife throwing. Maybe? The point is that they were all fun and could even be a little spooky. Which is nice.

Now: Yeah, spaghetti and grapes? Fuck that noise. When you put your hand into the bag and feel something cold and slimy and gross and you giggle because it’s fun to be grossed out but then you peer into the bag and, hey guess what, it’s actually a HUMAN BRAIN…welcome really fast to adulthood, kiddies.

Then: Hide and seek and tag and football with miniaturized sports stars and witches and the occasional Scream-face guy for those kids whose parents just didn’t really give a shit about them – you know the kid, the one that was allowed to watch any movie he wanted on TV, even the stuff on the dirty channels, so you went over to his house on weekends so you could glimpse just the occasional, first confusing attraction to softcore porno – all laughing and enjoying the cool, even cold, autumn air as the last vestiges of warmth are drawn away from the earth.

Now: Grim, silent plotting as the rival gangs of Princesses, Rap Stars, and Poor Kids divvy up the playground area into territories, laying down boundaries with Pixy Sticks and the corpses of kindergartners, clad in Power Rangers costumes, who ventured too far away from the safe area right next to the school. The further out the playground extends, the more lawless it becomes. The Outland is ruled by fifth-graders, surly and experimenting with the stolen bottle of apple schnapps one stole from his dad’s liquor cabinet. That way lies death for trespassers.

Then: Adorable for girls, monstrous for boys. You would have pretty princesses, cute witches, little bunnies or puppies, fairies, and other forest creatures. You would have devils and knights and ghosts and spiders and that same weird kid with the Scream-mask and a muffled voice. It was tame.

Now: Slutty. Everything is slutty. Slutty princess. Slutty witch. Slutty bee. Slutty Michael Jackson. Slutty Twilight. Slutty Dora the Explorer. Slutty Iron Man. And no, I’m not talking at a frat party. I’m talking for kids. Once you’ve seen your third “Octomom’s Masturbation Video” costume, that’s the time to turn the lights off and drink.

Then: Urban legends about razor blades shoved into apples or pixie sticks laced with poison. Parental caution to burgeon childhood fears just enough to make sure that the children remain safe and lusting over the chocolate until they can get home and have their parents check to make sure everything is safe (while taking their ten percent candy tax, the lazy criminal fucks).

Now: A child puts his hand into a candy bowl. Boom. Three days later they find his Master Chief helmet on the side of a highway in New Mexico, his head still in the helmet, the body about a mile away, raped and mutilated beyond recognition. Do not choose “trick”, kids. Don’t ever choose “trick”.

Trick or Treating
Then: Going door to door, knocking on the houses that have lights on. A kindly elderly couple answers the door and coos and gushes over how cute you are or how fearsome you are (depending on girl or boy). Then they would hand you a few pieces of bite-sized candy, you would thank them, and you’d be on your way. You would repeat this a few dozen times or more, depending on the size of your neighborhood. Your parents would be back on the street, keeping a watchful eye…or they would be drunk as a lord, depending on how long a day your dad had at work.

Now: Your parents carry you up to the door, knock sharply and, when the neighbor comes out, holds out the bucket, tells you to say trick or treat, then demands they drop it in and close the door. Halfway down the sidewalk, they start crying and hold you tight, commenting on how close they were to losing you and how much they hate this night. That’s when you smell the vodka on Daddy’s breath.

Scary Stories
Then: The hook in the car door. The lipstick message on the mirror. The ghostly passenger in the car. The monster in the woods. The weird neighbor next door. The disappearing naughty children. You know, all the crap that’s scary when you’re little but makes you laugh now. Like Large Marge. Okay, maybe not that because I still piss myself every time I hear that name.

Now: Student loans coming due. Mommy and Daddy are taking a break from each other. The babysitter with the roaming hands. The gym teacher that plays Tickle Monster at Penn State. The neighbor that you think is scary as hell because he’s quiet and bearded but then you find out he’s alright because he knocks out two home invaders that are going to cut you apart but then, oh wait, he fucks you and buries you in a shallow grave anyways. Womp womp.

Then: Fake spider webs all over. Cute and funny (to old people) posters and cutout witches and Frankenstein’s monsters and vampires. Maybe a skull or two. The pumpkin out front, obviously. Maybe those fake gravestones and some spooky lighting if they’re a fucking overachiever, CATHY.

Now: The neighbor that, upon finding his wife cheating on him with his business partner, his son having sex with the left tackle of the football team, his daughter fucking the rest of the offensive line, his job being eliminated due to “cutbacks in fuck you, you’re fired”, his Nissan Sentra having been egged with the tires slashed, windows broken, and CD player stolen, and his dog dead of choking on a squirrel, hangs himself from the big fir tree in his front yard the afternoon of Halloween.

Carving Pumpkins
Then: A family affair, making silly faces (Mom), scary faces (Dad), a clown face (other Dad), a kitty face (Sis), a monster face (Bro), and a penis (You).

Now: All of them are penises, except for Other Dad, who makes the clown face still…just with a penis in its mouth. And Dad’s in his. Womp womp again.

Then: A joyous celebration of the Halloween spirit. All the kids at school would dress up in their best costumes and dance and cheer their way down Main Street. Parents and volunteers would toss candy at them, trying to reach their plastic pumpkin buckets. That one poor opportunistic kid acting as a street sweeper and grabbing ALL the candy that doesn’t quite make it to the buckets, biting the parents that try to get him to share.

Now: Seven hundred painted Jokers, Hulks, and Ice Queens marching in silent, determined, perfect lockstep down a barren Main Street, the joy of the holiday being lost as the inexorable Bataan Death March to oblivion commences with the size 7 children’s boots tramping down the faces of those volunteers pleading for mercy, though mercy will not come.
(Holy. Shit. THIS was a little dark, wouldn’t you say? – ed.)


(And what’s with all the child abuse jokes this time? – ed.)

What do you expect? It’s Halloween!

(Good point. – ed.)

Happy Halloween everyone! May your night be warm, your skies be clear, and may you not experience a naked dude coming to the door holding a bottle of whiskey and a ragged, sexually violated clown puppet!

We here at Dan Eats Cat Food are nothing if not helpful…so, really, many times we are nothing. But we’re here to make up for it. You see, upon going through the site statistics, we noticed something odd. The most popular article is, in fact, written by Pred3000. This, of course, cannot stand. I mean, really. He hasn’t posted an article in well over a year! Then again, to be fair, we’re only giving you an article about once a month and that’s only because we have to justify the cost somehow. Shut up about it. KT is an anxiety-riddled, depressive, incredibly sexually frustrated, and probably alcoholic grad student. He SHOULD be perfectly suited to being funny constantly because of that, we know. Basically, he’s just a lazy bastard. Where were we? Oh yeah. The article. Since we can’t allow the most popular article to go un-piggybacked on,we are going to present to you today a more informative and in-depth guide to masturbating to Internet pornography than that bastard did. We hope you enjoy and can make use of our…um…useful suggestions.
DO: Use the Internet to your advantage. It’s a wild, woolly, wonderful place full of literally quadrillions of ideas and thoughts and pictures and words being thrown around. This is the Golden Age of information transference and it is at your fingertips with the click of a button. You can go from researching the Fall of Rome by way of Norwegian black metal to reading a webcomic written and illustrated by some desu weirdo who likes drawing anthropomorphic leopards in leather pants kiss-fighting with a ficus in a bikini to watching a video about a cat firing a brick through a plate glass window and howling with laughter. Anything and everything you can dream of is there. Also there’s a whole lot of fucking that you can look at.

DON’T: Assume that because something is on the Internet that it is worth seeing. Remember, 50 Shades of Grey started as a Twilight fan fiction online. There but for the grace of God goes every single hardcore slash Gandalf/Harry Potter/Spongebob/Jabba the Hutt/Vishnu/Alec Baldwin fic out there.

DO: Sample the bounty of the Net. See what’s out there. Don’t be afraid to branch out. Maybe you come across a fetish you didn’t know about and have one of the most rocking-ass orgasms of your life. It’s possible! Not necessarily likely but possible. Who knows? You may actually enjoy watching a naked teenage anime chick being inflated like a balloon, being popped by a black man’s cock, and having mice come to eat her entrails. YOU might. I just kind of threw up. A lot.

DON’T: Be stupid about it. There are clearly areas to avoid. Horse porn. Maybe want to steer clear. Child porn. That’s a no-no in the bad place. The area where the underwear covers. Sex with bridges. You should not also rise. The aforementioned “inflationigrarumpebanturmuresextaphilia”. Even just putting that into a translator brought on the urps again. Damn you philiacs!

DO: Learn alternative ways of masturbation. Self-love is still a love life and you should switch it up to keep things fresh. If you’re always a southpaw (or a south-gnarled and withered claw), why not try pitching to Righty? Or on your knees? Or on your back? Hell, even the shower could be fun and you can clean your filthy,war-torn body afterwards. It’s a double duty dunker!

DON’T: Fuck your boxspring. Seriously. Don’t do it. You will never repair the damage an errant coil does to your dickskin.

DO: Use an aggregation website (you know the ones that are out there) to explore your tastes freely with relatively minor risk of viruses or random gay porn popping up and murdering your hard-on with great vengeance. They are free to use and have an incredibly expansive display to choose from. Just be careful not to Wiki-jump the different videos, especially the stuff with titles that are just random numbers and letters and/or are written in Spanish. Just…don’t do that. Save yourself a whole lot of terror-crying.

DON’T: Download those bullshit programs that some sites demand you use in order to…utilize their website. Fuck that noise. It just adds more clutter onto your PC and makes plausible deniability less likely down the road. Besides, if you are so desperate to download things, there are ways around every problem. I obviously don’t recommend or support those since they are the mark of low character, but I cast no such aspersions on the stoner dude down the hallway from your apartment that stays up until 4 in the morning listening to Rage Against the Machine, smoking pot and probably meth, and working on his anarchist’s manifesto. He can probably hook you up with some Debbie Does Six Day Laborers Behind the LA Fitness in South Central.

DO: Pay for porn when you can afford it. I know, I know. You just felt your heart seize a little. Let me explain. Paying for porn = more porn being made = more choices for you to make. And the cycle repeats. Also it’s someone’s career choice, you asshole, and nobody wants to fuck for free. Or so I’ve been told.

DON’T: Decide that, hey, this actress I jerk off to is on Twitter. I should Tweet her my dick! Stoppit. If you had people who wanted to see your cock, you wouldn’t be jerking off to Internet porn, would you? Leave her alone, get your Jergens’ and cry about yourself.

DO: Figure out what you like best and go wild with it. You like redheads (and who doesn’t?), you find every redhead video out there. You like big black girls taking it up the butt, go nuts. You like trannies rubbing each other with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and pouring white wine everywhere while La Vie Boheme plays? …try RedTube. That shit has everything.

DON’T: Become so well-versed in porn stars, their names, and their appearances that you can name them in polite conversation. If you’re talking about your pornographic tastes in public, there is something severely wrong with you in the head. Either that or you are playing a DANGEROUS gambit of which we can’t approve. If that is where your path is taking you, know that we cannot follow you.

DO: Finally understand that they are real people doing real, sometimes horrifying acts on camera for your amusement. They deserve your dignity, your money, your respect, and about five squirts of baby batter or so, depending on how long you’ve done. Bon appetit, horndogs.
(This was disgusting. – ed.)

You’re disgusting! HOOOOO!

(And we’re done here. – ed.)

I’m not exactly the kind of person that one would call “up to date” on trends. I don’t wear skinny jeans, listen to pop music, or understand the appeal of why the hell anyone would produce a movie detailing the life of a current pop star. The world doesn’t need more movies about Katy Perry or Justin Bieber or, God forbid it happen, Ke(dollar sign)ha. I actually include the “never happening” of that last one in my prayers every night. I do wonder about the title though. “Memoirs of a Drunken Whore” sounds pretty good. It doesn’t quite cover it though. Maybe “My ‘Music’Sounds Like A Seagull Being Strangled To Dubstep But I’ll Blow You In The Alley Behind Starbucks For A Mocha Latte And A Gram Of Coke So You May As Well Love Me”. That’s better.

Anyways, the reason I mention this is because I don’t understand one damn bit why that crapsack of mutilated paper pulp known as ’50 Shades of Grey’ is so damn popular. All I DO know is that its existence and popularity means I get to write a follow-up piece to the wildly successful (well, relatively) article about Twilight. It’s the Golden Age of mockery and sarcasm, I tell you what. Regardless of how great things are as a comedy writer, I could always use some extra cash to line my pockets with pornography, alcohol, and bootleg Joss Whedon DVDs. Thus, I am resolved to write chick porn using 50 Shades of Shit…I mean, Grey…as a barometer. And as a bonus? I’ll explain to YOU how to do it too.
First, as in last time, murder any thoughts you have about being a respectable or even literate writer. You aren’t going to be writing for the elite, the well-read, the academics. You are barely going to be writing for middle schoolers reading at a college level. You are writing for lonely, bored, horny housewives, teenagers, and bored talk show hosts. Having it have a legitimate, engrossing plot is kind of like adding parsley, fine china, and a glass of wine to spice up the presentation of a steaming horse dump. Focus more of your time on how you can use the medium to create the most filthy, degrading situation possible while still maintaining a semblance of respectability. Think “upgraded fan fiction” because, let’s face it, that 50 Shades garbage is literally that. It can’t hurt to be a fan fic writer either. Anyone who writes that has a throbbing tumor called “I hate literature” inside their heart and uses it to crap out “ships” of any potential character pairings under the sun. Don’t get me started on fan fic.

Next, decide what you want your main characters to do. Oh. That’s right. You want them to fuck. The rest is just gravy. Cool. Check that off.

After that, figure out what your characters are named. If you’re writing chick porn, this will take up a solid 80% of your work time on the “book”. You can’t name them something like Amy Jones and John Smith. Those are boring names, names of IRS agents and middle management candidates. Likewise, you can’t use names like Jagatha Messy and Hondo Awesome. Nobody is going to take you seriously (let’s be honest, they won’t anyways but I digress) if you write ‘Hondo and Jagatha boned like archaeologists on top of Hondo’s 1997 Chevy Pylon’ or whatever. You need to create dark and steamy names, like Vanessa St. John and Juan Carlos Fancypants…I mean, Trenton Green. If it sounds like it could conceivably be a porn star but only in one of those high class X-Art ones (as opposed to, say, Gaping Assholes 8), you’ve hit the sweet spot. And so will your readers…if you get what I’m saying. I’m saying that they will play with themselves.

Naturally, take into account the audience while describing the characters. Naturally, the protagonist must be a legal-aged girl, probably a fresh-faced college student or even right after graduating. She has to be shy and naive, with no more sexual experience than a half-hearted handjob in the back of a Denny’s kitchen. Obviously, she must be a virgin. She has to have no confidence in herself and see herself as a plain, unassuming wallflower. Basically, if you do a copy/paste of every garden variety Twilight knockoff bullshit, you’ll have it down. And the man must be tall, strikingly handsome, broad-shouldered, and brooding, with impeccable taste in clothes, a high-paying job, no current relationship to speak of, and miraculously well-endowed. Of course, he has to be irresistibly attracted to the protagonist and, by proxy, the reader. I swear to God, this shit is like porn had a retarded baby with a chick flick. It’s like Naughty America banged 27 Dresses or some shit like that.

Also, since you’re writing porn for girls, which is much more about the experience than the actual act, you need to use euphemisms to describe what is happening. You can’t go too clinical, since “He placed his penis inside her vagina and performed intercourse until they both achieved orgasm”. Yes, that may be what happened but…snore. You also can’t really go too vulgar, since that can be a turnoff. “He fucked her cunt with his dick until they both came” also describes what happened but it’s so…inelegant. And yes, that is a concern of yours. Instead, use lines like “Trenton teased her gently opening flower with his turgid manhood. Vanessa felt her nethers quiver with excitement and, as he pushed her open, she felt herself becoming filled with an almost holy sensation. They began to merge as only lovers can and (yadda yadda yadda) they both felt a surge of heat as they crested at the height of their passion and fell to the bed, a tangle of limbs and satisfaction.” THAT is what gets the housewife tang all stirred up.

Since this is apparently the trend, don’t be scared to introduce some ‘taboo’ elements to the sex. 50 Shades decided to dive into the BDSM lifestyle (wrongly, I’ve heard) with the main dude apparently beating the crap out of the girl? I don’t know, I haven’t read it. So that’s right out. Since you want to distinguish yourself from the soon-to-be-arriving herd of copycats, why not take things to the logical extreme? Instead of spanking and handcuffs, try watersports and bloodplay. Instead of contracts and submission, have the girl take a dump on a glass coffee table. Make your characters have the kind of sex that even Max Hardcore would call “a bit too extreme”. End the series with snuff. You know you want to.

Lastly, after it naturally takes off and becomes a poorly-hidden dirty pleasure for soccer moms across the world, hang yourself with a shower curtain. That way, your poison and evil can’t infect the world with sequels, PLUS your faithful readers will call it a fitting way to leave this world. Win-fucking-win.

(You really have a problem with popular lit these days, huh? – ed.)

No. I have a problem with literal fan fiction and its metamorphosis into something considered worthy of publication. I have a problem with crap like Twilight and 50 Shades becoming popular while real writers struggle to make ends meet. I have a problem with the increased retardation of the next generation. You are going to have twelve-year-olds choking each other with a belt within six months. Mark my words. These are the End of Days.

(…a bit dramatic, wouldn’t you say? – ed.)

There is no such thing as too dramatic, Ed. Not while evil reigns. I need a drink.

(You always do. Goodnight, everyone. – ed.)

We apologize for the month between each article. What with packing and moving twice and visiting the place that KT is going to live and handling a breakup with the [insert typical vicious derogatory term here], the ability to be funny is waning quite a lot. However, one thing we have not done in a while that always brings the funny is to go into our search terms to see what depravity brings people to this website. And let us tell you…the people who link here are messed up in the brain. Please enjoy the fifth installment of what can charitably be called the most long-running series on this site.
why do teenage girls become wayward?: I would assume that it’s because teenage girls are a discontinued lipgloss flavor away from a complete psychological meltdown at every single point in the day.

they are you antsy furniture ny and my bro mass of hudson mass: If I could even decipher this, I would attempt to answer it. As it stands right now, the best I can interpret this as is someone from the northeast region of the US being an absolute retard, not like it takes a whole lot.

sloopy titts videos: Sloopy titts? I could understand ‘sloppy tits’ but sloopy tits is more along the lines of asking if I know where to buy a small boat and how to rename it…with videos.

petroleum vodka: Grigor isn’t dead!

“dick into emma watson”: I really hope this happened after she was eighteen. Actually, if I’m being honest, I was really hoping this wouldn’t be a search term at all. Although at this point, Emma Watson would kind of be like winning a gold medal after missing out on the Special Olympics. Or is that too harsh?

gay boy dan eats gas: What. The. Fuck. Is. This. There is so, SO much wrong with this search term that I just frankly don’t want to know about.

anal beads cereal: Quick! To the patent office!

skyrim one arm bigger than the other: The funniest part about this one isn’t that it’s probably referring to the Skyrim characters being Self-Pleasure Geniuses, but the fact that this particular search – with different phrasing – appears no less than FIVE MORE TIMES in the search records for this site. Apparently, we are the top of the top with Skyrim masturbators. I’m…proud?

how to write like a girl teenager: At first look, this appears pretty innocuous. If you read into it, though, it sounds more like a ephebophile looking to pick up some tips to prey on innocent young…I assume boys but who the hell knows with those freaks?

how to make something for marsturbating rough: The insistence on rough masturbation troubles me. I don’t know why my readers apparently hate their dicks but it’s common enough to be a relatively normal search term. Let me be clear: do not rip up your penis with rough jacking off.

how to fuck my wife in skyrim: Again, not an uncommon search term. I got a ‘bang my wife’ one with this as well. Apparently, there are guys out there that really want to have virtual sex with video game characters. But then again, I can’t really judge since my porn library at this point rivals the Library of Congress.

instantmonkeysonline: HOW IS THIS A NEED?!

wayward prayer teenage girl This is getting a little strange. The wayward thing is apparently more of a fetish than I was aware of.

pornstar nan binya: I know Priya Anjali Rai if that makes you feel any better…Nan Binya is a stranger to me.

mighty morphin power rangers monsters who eat the power rangers: If this had happened, don’t you think that the (apparently) King of P.R. trivia would have known about it? No, I don’t think that happened. No, I don’t think you’re okay for asking about it.

sex eating cat song: Is this trying to relate eating cats and sex? Or is it about eating sex and is sung by cats? There is so much that this asks.

saints katrina bullshit: Ah, Colts fans.

“abortion session” fucked: …I don’t even know what to say about this one except that I’m disturbed. Is this talking about after-abortion sex? I really hope not…

nuttin bitch cereal picture: I cannot even explain how badly I want to see this picture they are asking about. I don’t know if they mean the cereal is called ‘Nuttin Bitch’ or what…it’s hilarious to think about though.

jani lane memorabilia near boston: This is very specific. Also, it’s incredibly morbid. At least they aren’t wanting to get his skin or something.

scorpions song beginning with horns: There’s a song that Scorpions did with brass? Am I going to fall in love with them more or is this a lie?

metal baby in the womb: I know this probably refers to what the article was about with the baby that loves metal music but it’s funnier to think of like a plate-metal baby sitting and gestating, occasionally sending off electrical sparks as it floats.

baby eats metal: Okay, I take that back. This is a whole lot funnier.

cartoon video where bin laden is killed by a sniper and pissed on by superfly: This was about the point that I started laughing so hard that a little bit of pee may or may not have come out. This is possibly the best and/or funniest search term that has ever brought people to this site.

eat the pussy up, thanksgiving! like marvin ya body need some sexual healing: I literally couldn’t think for a couple minutes after this one from laughing. I love that this site is now associated with not only rap music but shitty rap music at that. God bless America.

natalie portman yeah i had a baby but im still crazy so show my ass respect cause i make that fucking gravy: This has to be something off of The Lonely Island. I’m going to assume it was the 100th clip of all of that. That’s the only explanation.

dangerrers++big+ass: I think I just need to blame this one on one of those bot searches otherwise…no, I can’t actually think of a reason this would fit for here.

true blue test cat food.cob antelope: It started out okay, like perhaps looking for an obscure brand of cat food. Then it hit antelope and it all went off the rails badly.

erotic story pregnant woman crying in bathroom comforted by brother towel falls he’s erect they have sex:…is there really even any need for my site after this? I mean, it’s pretty clear what is being searched for and is also pretty clear that I’m not really okay with it and the specificity.

i fucked an asian milf at the venetian in vegas last weekend: Cool story, bro. Are you just bragging or looking to find someone to commiserate with?

he who laughs last probably has an extra chromosome: I’m not even going to lie. I love this joke. It makes me laugh every time. I hate myself.

pink ranger kim fucked by alpha: This one actually made me wave my hands in the air in shock and confusion. Out of anyone in the Power Rangers canon, you want to see the ROBOT fucking her? You couldn’t pick the black guy or the gay one?

“go for the balls” friend: That’s not a great friend.

skyrim girl argonian fucking a boy dragon pics: And now we’re getting stuck with furries. Awesome. That’s totally what I want associated with my site. I’d rather they just kill themselves (along with a certain other person) and leave room for the nubile barely-legal redheads flooding to the site.

st helens sluts: Does this exist? I really want to know. Are there people that get all hot and bothered over volcanoes?

f-valium sterilization Annnnnnnd now we’re picking up the conspiracy theorists as well. Fantastic. We’re a racial separatist away from a bingo.

-=8[flr.skrrkk: Awesome. Someone had a seizure and died and it just happened to lead them here. Hope you enjoyed your stay, brief as it was!

cousin’s cousin eats cat at home sex videos: Come on now. The cousin-fucking was the main thing here. You can try to mask it with cat eating all you want but we all know what you’re here for. Also, we’re not interested.

http://www.toilet eats the food sex: I’m starting to sense a trend and it’s the worrying combination of food, sex, and toilet humor. No, wait, that’s the site itself, really.

“red dress” morgan freeman oscars cleavage 2012: What in the HELL? How do you mix up Morgan Freeman and Anne Hathaway? I shiver at the thought.

what vhappens when its you first felony and get busted with 8 ball of cocain?: Well, what happens is you go to jail for like ten years. And then your asshole gets raped by big, mean bikers. Hopefully somewhere in that period gives you time to learn how to spell correctly. Enjoy the buttsex!

racism kama sutra: This made me giggle a lot. The Kama Sutra is kind of the antithesis of racists, although you could make awful names for sex positions like the Hanging [insert racial epithet here] or something like that. No, I’m not proud of that joke. Yes, I’m a little uncomfortable with it.

toons 18 mighty morphin power rangers pond sex fuck: Most of this I can understand. It’s the word ‘pond’ that confuses me. Does it mean that the person searching can’t get off to Power Ranger sex if it doesn’t take place on or near a landlocked body of water? Do they need ducks quacking to stimulate them? Are frogs making it more kinky? I don’t know!

you fapping’ muppet you why i oughta: Yep, those are the people that come to this site. Sorry for the ripoff, Bill Simmons.
That actually makes me a little sad. People are so messed up. But hey, traffic is traffic so…come one, come all, come at the same time you freaks. DECF is here to serve your needs!

States Are Sluts

Posted: January 30, 2012 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , ,

We all have different talents. Some people can paint beautiful pictures of magnificent landscapes or life-like reproductions of historical figures. Some can orate with a flair and command of the pulpit or podium on a level akin to that which existed in ancient Greece or Rome. Some can weave magic with their guitars or violins or trumpets or voices. As for me?

I can sexualize most anything. I’m so proud.

Yes, readers. I am able to make nearly anything perverted, as you can clearly see through, well, the entirety of the archive of this website, really. That was a LOT of commas in a row. Wow. Anyways.

This particular perversion of things that really should not be stems from, in fact, a fortuitous conversation online with Misspearlnecklace. The exact sequence of events leading to such a conversation is better left to the scholars (mainly because I can’t be arsed to go back and dive into the incredibly deep waters of our AIM history). However, at some point, she offered up a simple confused statement that changed the course of the entire discussion:

“Wait what the heck, Kansas touches Tennessee!”

And thus, the game was off.

Before we begin…for your convenience, a map of the United States (courtesy of Google Image search).

You will never unsee this now

We're Sorry Already

My response to MPN: “Yeah. Just a little. Inappropriately. Just enough to give Tennessee the creeps. Kansas is a pervert. Damn it. Now I’m seeing Kansas on the map of the US with a porno ‘stache and aviators. (Maybe touching itself in the passenger seat of its car as it waits outside of Tennessee‘s house for it to get home from school, hair tied up with orange and blue ribbons. Okay, I think I just went past the joke and we’re all the worse off for it. No, I’m not happy with it. No, I’m not getting rid of it. What’s done is done and is exceedingly uncomfortable. Also, this aside was not in the actual conversation. Thank God.)

And what? No, Kansas does not touch Tennessee! Kansas is one of the few states that does NOT touch Tennessee apparently. Looks like Tennessee is smack-dab in the middle of a Southern state gangbang. (Mississippi, Alabama, North Carolina, and Kentucky get the most action).

Oh Tennessee.

What a slut.

(Riotous laughter ensues from the other side of the computer, I am told. I like to create those moments of abject shock and humor.)

And then? The list. Some from conversation, some from the now.

South Carolina doesn’t get in on the Tennessee fucking action. It just stands to the side and watches and masturbates. While Georgia takes it from below, of course.

Missouri only barely gets its junk touched, although it and Arkansas do get a DP BJ so…it’s not all bad. Except for the part where they “touch”. That’s never not weird or so I am told.

Alaska and Hawaii are the two loners that don’t get invited to the party, so they get high in Alaska‘s dorm room and awkwardly grope each other, culminating in like…ten minutes of sex and weak orgasms.

Florida is the dude with the huge dick that gets confused and thinks he’s more attractive than he actually is. In reality, Florida freaks all the hot states out because they don’t want to get hurt. They much prefer a state like, say, Oklahoma, that may have a bit of a gut but is also reasonably sized to fit comfortably in…well, you get it.

North and South Dakota are the twins – not hot but more attractive than you’d think – that have a weird kinky thing going on with Minnesota. They share Minnesota most of the time but occasionally they get into scraps about which one is prettier. Which is silly. Of course South Dakota is the pretty one. Everyone knows that.

California is a black dude.

Michigan gets a blowie from Indiana and Ohio as he gropes Wisconsin. Go up and look at that map and tell me I’m wrong!

Vermont and New Hampshire are in a constant state of 69. Lucky bastards.

Wyoming and Colorado just kind of grind up against each other a lot, content to dry hump and tease Nebraska, who keeps trying to insert itself into the PG-13 level sexual behavior.

Iowa and Illinois are in a committed relationship that continues to last as long as Illinois goes down on Iowa all the time. It’s a relationship built on love, respect, and oral sex. Also the Chicago Bulls.

In a perfect kind of dichotomy, Nevada goes out and gets hammered every night, coming home with a random state and engaging in all sorts of hot interstate…course. That didn’t work as well as I hoped. This, of course, happens in the same room as Utah, Nevada‘s Mormon roommate, who watches anime, eats pocky, and suffers panic attacks whenever it hears the key enter the doorknob.

Oregon and Washington go and get stoned with Canada every few days and end up banging in the car on the drive home. Neither of them is particularly skilled at sex or school or anything really, but they talk philosophy and exchange clothes before Washington sticks its Space Needle in Oregon‘s Mt. St. Helens. Hipster sex is always weird sex.

No list would be complete without the polyamory of Connecticut, Massachusetts and Rhode Island. Actually, wait! It’s like the Lannisters from A Song of Ice and Fire! Connecticut is Cersei, Massachusetts is Jaime, and Rhode Island is Tyrion, the Imp! Plus, they all came about at the same time, which basically makes them family. It’s a perfect comparison…that I just realized that only some of my audience will understand. And is gross and incest-y. Yet, I’m okay with that because it’s so apt. Go me.

Who gives a fuck about Delaware?

Maryland and West Virginia are the stereotypical gay couple. Don’t look at that map and tell me that you don’t see “crossing swords”. Plus the irony of West Virginia doing ANYTHING gay is just hilarious.

Arizona and New Mexico get clopsy on tequila one night and bond over their shared hatred of Latinos, culminating in a night of drunken, clumsy pseudo-passion, only to wake up the next morning with giant hangovers, a border fence on the way, and a lot of explaining to do to their coworkers.

Idaho is tall and skinny with the business remaining tall and skinny. Montana is a BBS with a lot of junk in its trunk. They are a perfect match in what is steadily becoming the most fucked up article I have ever written. Oh, actually, you can turn this into Ja…hold on, no, we’ll save that for a different article! Yay for ideas coming organically!

Maine is…a chode…I guess? What the hell can I do with Maine? It’s like Delaware. You can’t make those sexy even a little bit.

Everything is bigger in Texas. And Texas is bigger in anything. You can interpret that as you will.

Louisiana is just hanging out down there by itself. It’s not part of the big gangbang and it wants nothing to do with Texas‘ size so it just spends its time playing with itself and looking like a boot. Wait. I know! It has a foot fetish. Yeah. That’s the joke I wanted.

New York. Pennsylvania. New Jersey. Three states indulging in a circle jerk as they talk about how much hotter and stronger and better at sports they are than any other states, resulting in the Hudson River. And yes, I did just imply the Hudson River is the collective ejaculate of three states.

And finally we come to Virginia. Uh…it puts DC inside of it while it goes to work as kind of a kinky all-day sex thing?
Yeah, I know. I kinda ran out of steam at the end there. But in my defense, I was starting to really weird myself out with this so…

I don’t actually want to fuck states.

You know. For the record.

How To Somehow Get A Girl To Be Down With Your Sickness

Posted: October 16, 2011 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , ,

So it finally happened.

With a lot of luck, some prayer, every bit of smoothness your anxiety-riddled body can manifest, the stars aligning, and probably a sacrifice to Baal, you’ve managed to convince a pretty girl to date you. Congrats. You’ve just completed Step One in “Becoming a Man 101”. Your midterm will be stalking and murdering a rhinoceros with only your bare hands and a small flint knife. We know. It’s a really good grading curve, don’t worry. Oh, and of course you have to be naked. That just stands to reason.

Anyways, you managed to finally get yourself a lady. But, damn it all, you don’t live in the same city. It’s completely unavoidable. Always has to be a damn barrier somewhere. No matter. She’s got a break coming up and you’ve worked out a time that you can drive down and do all the cute stuff and sexy stuff that you’ve been dreaming about. It’s really pretty disgusting. The cute stuff, I mean. It’s like you took off your spiky armor of badass and slipped on a thin little slip of content. On the other hand, ain’t nothin’ wrong with your manly designs.

The point is that the time will eventually pass. It will be agonizingly slow and feel like someone is slowly twisting your nuts inside your chest and stomach. Kind of a full-body time distortion thing. It would be actually kind of cool if it wasn’t so damn frustrating. Anyways, eventually, you will make the drive down to see her, stomach all wrapped up and panic setting in as you approach her campus. A moment passes and now you’ve texted her that you’re here. You have two days to put this shit on lockdown just in case some psychopathic pseudo-Aryan with a dog tries to steal her away in the night like a perverted Robin Hood. Or…you know…just tries to discredit you in her eyes.

So…what do you do? There are some ways to really get it going on. We’re here to help. Call this a ‘lady cheat sheet’. And yes, before you send any worried comments or emails about “Holy shit, dude, are you mental?”, this has all been cleared by the lady, proof positive why she is the best.
First off, bring her something cute. It’s a nice way to show that you care and is an easy way to get quick brownie points. Say, for instance, if the girl in question (we’ll call her Misspearlnecklace) has a beloved sock monkey, a smaller, similarly named sock monkey stuffed in your bag will be “so cute”. Fact. Probably not a good idea to put the toy in your pants and ask her to root around in there though. At least wait until you’ve kissed a couple times.

Also, if her momma wants to go to lunch with the two of you, for the love of God, do it. It’s a little-known fact that if you win over the parents (especially the mother), the road to a happy life with Miss Lady will be much easier. Hold her hand during serious conversation, smile and be witty, and offer to take the check. Just don’t reveal that you’ve been face-down in her daughter the previous day and…like…an hour ago. That would be very bad.

Next, don’t be scared of taking the downtown route. If she’s a good girl (or a bad girl, depending on your definition), she will pay you back by playing the man organ, but you have to be prepared. If you do your job poorly, you’ll end up with her cranky and unwilling to even Shake Weight you. So you need to be ready. Maybe do some tongue twisters on the way down. Or stretches. Stretches work too. The point is that you don’t want to cramp right as she’s about to blow her top (and then maybe your dick). If you do your job right, though, you can almost lock your jaw, make that little tie under your tongue ache, and hang a Durant on her.

(That’s her cumming 35 times, for those not in the know. Wait, how would you be in the know since I just made that term up? Also, it’s a Durant because Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder wears number 35 but you can feel free to substitute your own sports star instead.)

Don’t forget to use your fingers either. It is almost ridiculously easy to, as you curl up on her bed exchanging body fluids through your mouths, to just…oops…slip your left hand down there to see what all the fuss is about. If you want to pull a Durant, you’re going to have to do a little divining a lot of the time because, let’s face it, even the strongest and hardiest man with the most muscular tongue in the world is going to get tired. There’s only so much you can expect that part to do before it shuts down. Thankfully, if you’re good with your hands, you can boost your stat total and make her forget her own birthday.

Since we’re on the subject, don’t just focus on the crotchal region. While that is a very fun part of the lady’s body and you want to spend a good deal of time there (and you can be damn sure she’ll want you there too – if she doesn’t, something is wrong in her brain), you don’t want to put all your energy into it. There will be a point where her special spots become too sensitive and overworked to tolerate further intrusion. When she tells you to give her a moment to breathe, do it. The last thing you want to do is make her hurt you because you took one flick too many.

Instead, spread your wealth around. There is are a couple little spots on a woman’s neck where if you attack it with kisses, they will melt. And the boobs are a great place to just spend an hour or two. You can motorboat them, regardless of size, and very well SHOULD. But every lady is different too so you are going to have to go all Magellan on her and explore. You will find new and interesting ways to make her jump, purr, and attack your face. Be proactive!

Pin her up against the wall. Attack her as she’s dressing. Kiss her in the kitchen as she’s cooking dinner. If she has it as bad for you as you do for her, you are going to be sitting pretty with all of those sexy little moves. However, you being the epitome of modern manliness- capable of skinning an antelope with a glare, able to crush boulders with one swing of your mighty testicles, chest hair in a natural Superman pattern, eyes like two cold blue marbles piercing the night sky, musk of pure dude – only goes so far. If you want to just love ’em and leave ’em, this is not the article for you. Go back to your bars and massage parlors and frat houses and…um…symphonies, I guess.

No, my friends. If you have the special lady (Misspearlnecklace is mine so HANDS THE FUCK OFF, OTHER MEN), you want to show that you aren’t just a sledgehammering son of a bitch. No, you need to give them some sweetness.

Now how do you define sweet stuff? Allow me to help you.

Cuddling is not a teddy bear or what neutered dogs do to poor, innocent stuffed animals. Cuddling is an essential element of being a passable boyfriend. Cuddling can take on many forms.

For example, lying down in bed (you can still be starkers – nobody ever said that clothes have to be involved) and just letting her settle into that spot where your arm meets your body. It’s called, at least in my lexicon, the ‘nook’ and is a highly prized position for any woman to be in. I’m not saying that just about mine. I’m saying in general. You give your lady that, you’re giving her reason to believe that you aren’t going to just tear ass out the front door in the middle of the night. Because you can’t. Because she’s got you pinned down. Which is hot. In the pants.

Curling up together is along those same lines. It’s just that period of lying down and being all disgustingly cute and kissy and touchy between periods of being all hot and throwing love around. The calm before the storm…or the eye of the storm, depending on how you want to define it. This the stage that is more profoundly horrifying to pissy teenage emo boy-girls than any other.

Holding hands also counts as smart cuddly stuff. It’s a little thing and doesn’t require a whole lot of physical exertion. It’s not like snuggling which requires the use of both arms and probably a leg. Holding hands requires only one hand, leaving your other hand free to masturbate or check Twitter or just point at things around the room. You can give up at least a hand, can’t you? Don’t be a selfish dick. Give her that much.

Finally, beyond all else, it really helps the cause of your heart and your dick – both of them – if you can make her laugh. I’m not talking just giggle and smile. That’s normal girl behavior, except in the case of Huge Bitch Syndrome, in which case…God help you. No, I am talking about that laugh where she has lost all ability to maintain composure and curls up into a little ball, hands over her face, shaking with laughter. THAT is what you need and we’re finishing this article with proof positive that it works wonders. The following are actual quotes from this past weekend with Misspearlnecklace and I.

While making out:
MPN – “There’s so much love in this room, I’m worried that I could actually get pregnant.”
KT- “All the chances have gone down your throat.”

MPN – “We should make you cum every time the Titans score one week.”
KT – “Oh God. No. There’s only one of two ways it could go down. Either they put up like…seven touchdowns and by the end it would be like dry-firing a compound bow. Just PFFF. A little blast of air, kind of like those machines at the eye doctor that they use. It’s either that or they get shutout and it’d be like ‘Well…now what do I do? This dick ain’t gonna suck itself. Can I get an advance on next game? You know I’m good for it.’.”

KT – “Okay, we should stop for a second or my brain is going to overload and explode. I’ll forget how to do math. I’ll forget the alphabet. A, B, C, 4, Batman signal.”

While watching the US/Ecuador game:
MPN – “Take back the power from the Ecuadorians!”
KT – “What is number 4 on the list of never-before said phrases? That’s right below ‘Oh no no. No more oral sex for me, please.’.”

While watching TV and waiting to be picked up:
KT – “‘Now onto serious business. Did you bring any heroin with you? Because this would be a lot easier to handle if I was high.'”

MPN – “Why is Rosie O’Donnell…”
KT – “Alive?”

While discussing a hobo in DC that owns a Captain America shield:
KT – “That would be hilarious. SHIELD going through Central Park and seeing Cap wearing a brown overcoat with a huge beard under his mask, chugging Mad Dog 20/20, and killing pigeons with his shield so he can bring them to the Greek restaurant down the street where they’ll cook the birds for him. ‘Cap, what happened to you?’ ”m fuckin’ done with this country.’ ‘But why?’ ‘What’s the thing with th’ cars?’ ‘NASCAR?’ ‘Thass it. Thass why.’.”

While watching the Brazil/Mexico game:
KT – “I’m sorry, but that weirds me out every time. The players holding hands with the little kids on the way out to the field? It’s wrong. Look at those kids. They don’t want to be there. ‘Please. Just kill me. Mi familia…they do not know where I am. I do not wish to be rape anymore.’ Kids all walking in the hall, players coming up and asking them to come into the storage closet for a second to play with some soccer balls.”

KT – “I bet they are all serious pedophiles. It’s like necrophilia. (insert long discussion about the particulars of THAT) If you are calling yourself the world’s foremost necrophiliac, you have made some life choices that I don’t quite approve of.”

KT- “That would be awesome. The guy that just scored walking to the camera and just flipping it off slowly and meaningfully, mouthing ‘fuck you’ to the camera.”

While discussing the WMATA suicide:
MPN – “And it says here that they also found a suspicious package near one of the other lines.”
KT – “Awesome. Totally what I want when I’m trying to find a city to live in. People suiciding by train and suspicious packages. Hmm. I’ve narrowed my list down to DC and Kabul.”

KT – “It would be worse if you waited until the train was stopped and then jumped. Like ‘Hey man. Just start it up when you’re ready’. And the train bumps and pushes you a little bit.”

KT – “I really want my epitaph to be ‘What Hath God Wrought?’ Either because of the fact that I’m dead or because of the fact that I’m going to come back as a necrowarrior.”

While discussing cereals:
KT – “Fruity Pebbles are good but there’s always that one that doesn’t get wet in milk and is like a piece of shrapnel flying around your mouth. Same with Cocoa Pebbles. And the worst is Cap’n Crunch. That shit is like chewing on ball bearings. It’s like ‘I guess I hate my dental work that much. Let’s go fuck up some molars.’ Hey, I hope you like having a cleft palate because that shit is going to cut it in half.”
And that is how you win a woman.

(That is basically…huh…I guess kind of accurate. – ed.)

I know, right? Love brings me legitimacy!

(God help us all. – ed.)

First up, we’re going to give a shout out to and recommendation to go to Caffeinated Change, a blog here on WordPress run by our friend Steph (well, one of many Stephs but still a cool one). You can find her link in our Blogroll Section. Note to self: this may or may not appear if this site ever gets turned into a damn book. We’ll play it by ear.

Anyhow, this world is filled with terrifying creatures. The black widow or brown recluse. The viper fish. The bot fly. Those hornets that sting ants and lay eggs in their brain so that when the egg hatches, it turns the ant into a zombie and makes it walk around, moaning about ‘brains’ except in antspeak which you couldn’t understand even if it was possible to amplify their voices enough. Do ants even have voices? Or do they rely just on body language and waving their feelers around? Do they have the capability to pick up little ant chicks at the ant bar by buying them little shooters of plant nectar? Do they get all clopsy on aphid juice and take the ant girl home to make some bad decisions? Can ants get abortions?

…I think we ran off the track there a little bit. The point is that this world is fucking scary, especially when you think about all the different creepy animals and insects and plants that can crawl in places and do things to other things. OH! That fish that swims up your peehole when you take a leak in the river. That thing has no purpose except to wreck some junk. Bastard fish.

The point is that there are a lot of nasty creatures that exist. We’ve put our heads together here and come up with a list of ones we are reasonably sure DO NOT exist…at least we really, really hope not.
The Colombian Death Spider – This thing is about four feet wide and uses telephone poles as guides for its webs. Its legs are like rake handles and its fangs look like raptor claws. I think actually that I saw one out my window one night, illuminated in the street light…munching on a squirrel. The furry little tail waving back and forth. On second thought, it may have just been gross public sex.

The Ambulatory Shark – I’d think this one is pretty self-explanatory. A shark with fucking LEGS – how is that not terrifying? You’re swimming in the ocean and you see the big dark fin coming towards you so you tear ass towards the shore. You hit the sand and think you’re safe and then you look behind yourself and see this giant mouth full of teeth and death sprinting at you from out of the surf. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t lose it in your swimsuit.

The Northern Illinois Toilet Bear – Definitely a concern, especially during migration season. It comes out of nowhere which makes it so scary. One second you’re dropping the kids off at the pool and idly reading a Dilbert anthology, the next, WHAM, your crotch is popcorn for a bear lurking inside your toilet bowl. Some space-time bullshit. I’ve heard they can fold their spines into extra teeth to conserve space.

The Black-Faced Race Baiter – This asshole. He’s not even an exciting creature. Just a damn stray hedgehog but every so often, it paints up in blackface and stars performing a minstrel show in the middle of downtown. I mean, who’s going to say anything? It’s a damn hedgehog! Still, it foments racial tension which definitely something to be avoided. What a dick.

The Dual-Wielding Flashlight Hornet – One of the modern miracles of creation. Not only does this damn bug usually grow to the size of a water bottle. Not only does it actually contain two stingers – one in its ass and one on top of its head. But this stupid thing is able to shine light from fluorescent glands in its butt to blind its enemies so it can sting the shit out of it. Know what its mortal enemy is? Ten-year old children.

The Triple Lion – Okay, do you know what a chimera is? The version where one head is a lion, one is an eagle, and one is a snake? THIS IS JUST THREE LION HEADS and all of them are hungry for the same thing. Your liver. And probably random chunks out of your torso and legs. Just toss a steak into the middle of the heads and run. On second thought, this is basically Cerberus but with lions. Still scary as hell.

The 4:30 Screamer – Less horrifying than it is annoying. Birds, by and large, are total dicks. They chirp at you way too early when you’re incredibly hungover…okay, fine, still drunk off of two bottles of wine. They shit on your car, especially after it was just washed. They have little birdie sex on your deck cushions so you feel weird sitting on them. They build nests in that terrible tree you were going to cut down this summer. This bird, though, has a special talent. Despite only being the size of an iPod, this prick can scream at precisely the right tone and pitch to make you believe that a co-ed is being raped and slaughtered on your front porch. At 4:30 in the morning.

The Exploitamouse – Breaks into your home, sits on your favorite chair, and hops into your lap as you sit down to read. This is how it breeds. It breeds in your lap.

The Red-Breasted Titty Fairy – The name is very misleading. It’s not red-breasted. It doesn’t have tits. And it certainly is not a fairy. It’s actually very similar to a garter snake with red spots all over it. It’s just that the name was made when scientists were blackout drunk and giggling. It makes me just so mad to even think of the deception it has propagated.

The Exploding Termite – Out of all of them on this list, this little fucker may be the most dangerous. They come in hives and eat away at your load-bearing beams. Unfortunately, they don’t have the self-control to stop eating, kind of like Kevin Federline. They eat and gnaw and chew until their little thoraxes explode. Even worse, they have nitro-glycerin in their nervous system so when they burst, it’s like a smart car blew up inside your house. You get too many of them in one place and your home is coming down around you like a well-oiled Ponzi scheme.
(You are almost wholly insane by this point, aren’t you? – ed.)

Well, I am awesome, yes, but I certainly wouldn’t qualify myself as HOLY, my friend.

(But I didn’t…oh. Okay, I’m going to let you have this one because that was actually somewhat witty. – ed.)

Win is for me!