Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Dan Eats Cat Food Blogs The Oscars 2013

Posted: February 24, 2013 by kaostheory in Advice
Tags: ,

Forgive us for the length of time between articles. SOMEone decided that he had to finish and publish one of the finest books ever written. (Robocopter Ski Patrol, on sale next month through CreateSpace and Amazon – TELL YOUR FRIENDS) and thus this poor site has to take a hit. Never fear, though. We’re still going to continue the tradition we have of liveblogging the Oscars, even though this year is going to suck because of the host…and the pageantry…and, really everything. Why are we doing this again? Also, we’ll be getting drunk so this may go off the rails later on.
7:03: I guess it’s time to do the red carpet. Why does Kristen Chenowith look like Gollum? She’s usually pretty hot. Maybe it’s the hairstyle. And Halle Berry is apparently channeling the 1980s. I have it on mute so I don’t really know.

7:05: Lord, Adele looks a lot like my ex. This is not a pleasant realization. Time for more goddamn beer! Wait. Great googly moogly, Stacy Keibler. Holy crap. Like a tall, super-sexy sequin.

7:07: What is it with the silver glittery look tonight? Not that it’s a bad one by any means but it’s strange to see such similarity. Unless, of course, we’re talking about Michael Bay movies OH THAT’S RIGHT I JUST WENT THERE.

7:08: So is there a procedure for if one of the vote guys gets taken out? Are the votes halved or…what? Commercial!

7:12: Hey, Anne Hathaway’s nipples. Not like a thousand jokes haven’t been made already. Still…good form, ladies.

7:14: On second thought, it looks like Chenowith’s weird look is because of anorexia. I’m seeing neck muscles that are never seen normally.

7:15: Not sure who the lovely lady is with Jamie Foxx (were I to unmute the TV, I may know) but DA-YUM.

7:16: So which character is Daniel Day-Lewis playing now? An Oscar-nommed actor? Good choice!

7:21: Neil Meron looks terrifying. Like…”I could buy and sell your life to whomever I wanted and you couldn’t do a dang thing about it” terrifying.

7:25: Queen Latifah TOWERS over Chenowith. Is she really that big or small, respectively?

7:28: Red Widow looks stupid as hell. There’s a reason I don’t watch ABC like…ever. Just a special level of crap-ass writing, I think.

7:30: Time to start. Let’s see how awful MacFarlane is. THANK YOU RDJ for not applauding! Love him more now.

7:32: Nice little burn on Ben Affleck there.

7:33: This kind of seems like a bad standup right now. He’s nervous. And reading cue cards.

7:34: Not going to lie. I really laughed at the Chris Brown joke.

7:36: What…in the hell…? Shatner as Capt. Kirk? This is…odd.

7:38: Also not going to lie…the “We Saw Your Boobs” song is actually pretty clever. I’m sadly a little impressed.

7:39: Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron out and dancing to MacFarlane singing. Interesting. They sure can dance though. Or have been trained in doing so at least. “The Way You Look Tonight”. Not a bad song at all.

7:41: Sock puppet thing not quite as funny. They can’t all winners. Which is also the theme of the night. Badumtisch.

7:42: Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt dancing – with really loud music. May need a little balance, orchestra.

7:45: Another weird sketch, this time with Sally Field. They are all over the place tonight.

7:47: They really need to fix the music balancing issue. It drowns out most of the vocals. Maybe that’s just on my end though.

7:48: Olivia whoever out now. Best Supporting Actor and the nominees are: Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, and Christoph Waltz. And the winner is…Christoph Waltz. I think that may have been a surprise but I absolutely love it. He was phenomenal in Django. One of my favorite Tarantino characters ever. Super classy of him to give his respect to the other nominees.

7:52: Commercial-time. ‘nother beer, barkeep!

7:55: Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd out on-stage now. Kind of a little awkward. Anyways. Best Short Film, Animated and the nominees are: Adam and Dog, Fresh Guacamole, Head Over Heels, Paperman, and The Simpsons: The Longest Daycare. And the winner is…Paperman. No big shocker there. It was absolutely beautiful. I saw it online and was blown away. I was calling either that or the Simpsons one, which was also very well done. You could see the joy on his face when he mentioned his wife. That was great.

7:59: Best Animated Feature and the nominees are: Brave, Frankenweenie, ParaNorman, The Pirates! Band of Misfits, and Wreck-It Ralph. And the winner is…Brave. Also no shocker here. And the dude is coming out in a kilt! Major props to him. I definitely respect the balls that takes.

8:00: Reese Witherspoon now. My brother must be popping one in his pants right now. Presenting the Les Mis Best Picture along with Life of Pi and Beasts of the Southern Wild. I never got to see Les Mis. I really wish I had. Mainly because just hearing the music even now is giving me the shivers. I absolutely adore that musical. The other two are…meh-looking.

8:05: Even HE was a little ashamed about the crack on Clooney. Hahaha. Bringing out The Avengers cast now. Fantastic. No ScarJo though, which is a little surprising. What are they presenting? They are ripping badly on Jackson and Downey. Love it. Best Cinematography and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting choice. The guy looks like an aging hair metal star. He also may be high.

8:08: The Avengers still on-stage. Love it. Best Visual Effects and the nominees are: The Avengers, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Life of Pi, Prometheus, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Man. That’s doing really well. It must be an absolutely beautiful movie, I suppose. Had to be better than The Hulk for Ang Lee. The guy really should have shut the fuck up earlier on though. Man.

8:12: Commercial. Whew. My fingers are getting a workout.

8:16: Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston. She looks stunning in the red dress. Still hot, even at 40 something. I think she just implied that she did Brazilian. Best Costume Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Les Misérables, Lincoln, Mirror Mirror, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Anna Karenina. Good on her. It must have been a lot of work since, you know, Russian royalty times. She made up for the over-run though. Short and to the point. Good for her.

8:19: Any of these would be awesome. Best Makeup and Hairstyling and the nominees are: Hitchcock, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and Les Misérables. And the winner is…Les Miserables. It makes a lot of sense. French Revolution and all that tends to be pretty in-depth. Oh, that’s her scarf! I thought she was wearing a jacket because she was cold. I guess I just don’t understand fashion.

8:21: Halle Berry out to the Bond music for the 50 Years of Bond tribute. Fifty years. That is INCREDIBLE. It’s even more incredible if you’ve never seen one of them. This tribute is freaking slick though. It just reminds me of how much I love the entire franchise.

8:25: Who is this? Oh, Shirley Bassey! It’s the woman who sang Goldfinger. She still has her pipes though. WOW. She started out a little rough but CRUSHED it. Commercials!

8:31: Just recognizing the producers and director. Cool. Next up, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx. Very nice. She’s looking beautiful. Best Short Film, Live Action and the nominees are: Asad, Buzkashi Boys, Curfew, Death of a Shadow, and Henry. And the winner is…Curfew. I knew nothing about any of these but that one looked suitably ominous in the fifteen seconds or so of footage they showed here. Nice, quick, and classy. I like that guy.

8:35: Best Documentary, Short Subject and the nominees are: Inocente, Kings Point, Mondays at Racine, Open Heart, and Redemption. And the winner is…Innocente. Again, I know nothing about it but it sounded foreign so I was taking a shot that it might win? Maybe? Annnnnd the guy goes a little political. Okay.

8:37: Liam Neeson! I love this man. He is such a badass. He wins everything. All the awards. More Best Picture recaps. Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty. Of course Neeson did the political/thriller ones.

8:41: WOW. I really love that Booth joke – “the actor that got the most inside Lincoln’s head was Booth”. It’s so wrong but I love it. I also approve of playing off the teleprompter ad lib. Also an amazing woman joke – “the innate ability of women to never let anything go”. Love it.

8:43: Affleck up on stage now. He definitely didn’t seem to like the jokes at his expense. Best Documentary, Feature and the nominees are: 5 Broken Cameras, The Gatekeepers, How to Survive a Plague, The Invisible War, and Searching for Sugar Man. And the winner is…Searching for Sugar Man. I’m actually a bit surprised. I would have thought that the AIDS one would win. Because AIDS ALWAYS wins. Both at the Oscars and in real life.

8:46: Commercial time.

8:48: Local commercials, are always so freaking bad.

8:49: Now up we have Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain. Gotta love me some redhead. Wow. Not going to be a whole lot of humor with these two though. Best Foreign Language Film and the nominees are: Amour, War Witch, No, A Royal Affair, and Kon-Tiki. And the winner is…Amour. Oh gee, I wonder who would have not expected that one since it’s up for an actual Best Feature award. Come on. Take away the drama, huh? I kind of wish that Haneke would Funny Games his speech. That would be be awesome and terrifying.

8:52: Good on the orchestra but they are so freaking loud to the point where they are drowning out people.

8:53: John Travolta. Interesting choice. No Vic Vega hair. Sadly. Now a celebration of movie musicals. This could be pretty awesome. Ah, Chicago. I actually like it a lot more than I did in high school. I also think I may have hated it because the show choir was so fucking obsessed with it. Oh man. Catherine Zeta-Jones. I hate Michael Douglas just…on principle. Now Dreamgirls, apparently. Jennifer Hudson – also hot with a great voice, but in a different way from CZJ. Just as good though. Aww, it’s the original song from Les Mis. Sad. I was hoping for One Day More. WAIT! IT IS ONE DAY MORE! GOOSEBUMPS. The dude playing Marius sounds like a frog, though. Anyways, hit it, Enjolras! Good. God. Fuck. Yes. That was incredible.

9:05: Commercial and I kind of need it.

9:08: Now up we have Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana. She’s fine as fine can be as always. Ah yeah, it’s the Sci/Tech Awards recognition. I totally respect that. They deserve an incredible amount of respect. Not just as “nerds”, James Franco, you stoner asshole.

9:10: Awesome, Mark Wahlberg is out…the Ted thing is a little weird though. Is that CGI? I think that’s incredible actually. Best Sound Mixing and the nominees are: Argo, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Les Miserables. Awesome. I really think I need to see it now. Markie Mark looked a little pissed to be out there with CGI though.

9:13: Best Sound Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Skyfall, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…A TIE?! Has that ever happened?! Zero Dark Thirty (the guy kind of sounds like he’s high but maybe he’s just Scandanavian) and SKyfall. That was pretty deserved too. They both were, actually, I assume. I’m also a little biased towards Skyfall but hell, an Oscar is an Oscar. Is there a requirement for sound guys to have long flowing locks?

9:18: Who’s up next? This could be bad…and is absolutely seeming that way. Yep. Awful, awful bit. Awful. Anyways, Christopher Plummer is out now. Legend in the house. He’s got the shakes a little. That’s troubling. Best Supporting Actress and the nominees are: Amy Adams, Sally Field, Anne Hathaway, Helen Hunt, and Jacki Weaver. And the winner is…Anne Hathaway. I’m not joking that I typed her name in without bothering to check the others. That was about as much of a gimmie as there was tonight. Good on her and her erect nipples. I mean, singing voice. Common mistake, that.

9:24: Commercial time. Beer time. I’m feeling the wearing down now.

9:29: Academy President. He looks almost exactly what I would have expected him to look like. Wow. Academy Museum huh? That sounds pretty damn cool. I don’t really care about the college kids helping out though. Except for Jennifer. She is freaking SMOKIN’.

9:31: Next up is Sandra Bullock. She should be pretty funny. Maybe? Best Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Never saw it but I heard it was amazing. Hey, a guy without massively long hair! Short and silver. Classy.

9:34: Jennifer Lawrence is out with a massive freaking dress. Performing is Adele. It’s a decent song but I really don’t want to look at her. Not because she’s not beautiful but…yeah. Mentioned it earlier. I’m just going to listen instead. It’s a nice song and she does it beautifully but…anyways, more beer?

9:39: Commercials. And beer!

9:43: Nicole Kidman and her android face is out to talk about Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, and Amour. And Tarantino looks so displeased with her. But that’s kind of his default setting, I think.

9:47: Kristen Stewart and Daniel Radcliffe. One of a great franchise, one of the spawn of Satan. Still hot though. I’m pretty sure she’s super drunk though. But she was in Twilight, so who wouldn’t be? Best Production Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, and Lincoln. And the winner is…Lincoln. Interesting. That’s not what I was expecting. I’m not sure what I WAS but it wasn’t that. It looks really pretty though so…maybe I’m just wrong.

9:50: Salma Hayek on stage now, looking gorgeous. As always. Presenting the Governors Awards, whatever those are. Congrats to those guys though.

9:52: FUCK Michael Moore. That is all.

9:53: Commercials.

9:57: Clooney is out here now. Let’s see how smug he can get. Oh wait. In Memorium…never mind. I know Michael Clarke Duncan is on there. Ernest Borgnine was first. Sad. I miss that old dude already. Marvin Hamlish was the last one. Interesting. That’s not who I would have pegged there but God bless him. You could do better than Streisand as the singer though. She kind of looks like the Wicked Witch of the West if she was an albino. And yes, I know that this won’t be a popular opinion.

10:04: Fade to black and commercials.

10:05: 10th anniversary of Chicago. Wow. I didn’t know that. Bringing the cast out. All of them looking super as well. Best Original Score and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting. I kind of figured though. It had a more international feel to it when looking at those quick footage trailers. I’m sure it’s deserved though. Again, I wouldn’t know. I was kind of a lazy-ass this year when it came to movies.

10:12: This one is going to be no surprise either. Calling it right now. Gonna have to just listen to the screen again. The dress that Norah Jones is wearing is not flattering at all though. She’s a pretty lady. Not a lampshade. Anyways, I was saying. Best Original Song and the nominees are: Chasing Ice (“Before My Time”), Les Misérables (“Suddenly”), Life of Pi (“Pi’s Lullaby”), Skyfall (“Skyfall”), and Ted (“Everybody Needs a Best Friend”). And the winner is…Skyfall. To the surprise of nobody. It’s not even my favorite Bond song. Ah well.

10:18: Commercial time again. They’re hitting it about even fifteen minutes at this point.

10:22: Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron. Interesting combination. She is so much taller than him! And she looks super hot no matter what her hair length is. Good Lord. One of the prettiest women in the world. Best Adapted Screenplay and the nominees are: Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Silver Linings Playbook. And the winner is…Argo. Thank God. I was just hoping it wasn’t Kushner (Lincoln). I still loathe him for Angels in America, which killed my joy in theatre for three years.

10:25: Best Original Screenplay and the nominees are: Amour, Django Unchained, Flight, Moonrise Kingdom, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Django Unchained. REALLY. Wow, that is awesome! And we get to hear Tarantino talk! Man, I really love this award. He’s one of my heroes. Almost stunned Jamie Foxx into nothingness with his arrogance. Love Tarantino. SO much.

10:28: Commercials again.

10:30: ….what in the living hell was that Gray Poupon commercial? Did anyone else just see that?

10:32: Directing up next. Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas. Maybe she can keep her bitch mouth shut long enough to honor this category. Best Director and the nominees are: Michael Haneke, Ang Lee, David O. Russell, Steven Spielberg, and Benh Zeitlin. And the winner is…Ang Lee. That’s a shocker. The dude has come a long way from The Hulk, which was basically unforgivable. I’m sure he earned it though.

10:37: Commercials. Now we’re getting to the heavy hitters.

10:38: I don’t get that lingerie commercial but I don’t care. Yum.

10:40: Jean Dujardin on stage now. Just a cool dude. Please anyone but the kid. Best Actress and the nominees are: Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Emmanuelle Riva, Quvenzhané Wallis, and Naomi Watts. And the winner is…Jennifer Lawrence. Good. I’m really glad to hear that one. And she TRIPPED. Oh no. But that big-ass dress is what did it. She just seems like a fun person that happens to be a great actress, not the other way around.

10:45: Meryl Streep up now. Man. He was right about no introduction. Probably going to be Daniel Day-Lewis because, you know, method acting. Best Actor and the nominees are: Bradley Cooper, Daniel Day-Lewis, Hugh Jackman, Joaquin Phoenix, and Denzel Washington. And the winner is…Daniel Day-Lewis. Not a surprise. That guy goes so far into his role that he…he’s basically a chameleon in all the best ways. And he’s definitely just an ACTOR. Not someone who publicizes himself. But he does deadpan funny really well. I really like him.

10:51: Here we go. Big time. JACK NICHOLSON. Oh goddamnit. The fucking First Lady? Really? Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. They would never have done this with ANY other First Lady and she’s no fucking better. This actually upsets me. Keep entertainment and politics separate. Just shut the fuck up already. Best Picture and the nominees are: Amour, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Good on Ben Affleck and the entire cast on crew. It just got a little ruined letting the fucking First Lady announce it. God damn. At least the guy in the middle got a nice good laugh. He’s a pretty confident guy. I like him. Affleck is pretty manic right now. I’m thinking part nerves and part cocaine. Maybe 2/3 cocaine.

11:00: Ready for a proper goodnight and it was a decent show. Daniel Day-Lewis won the night by being freaking charming. The night was really spoiled by the First Lady. And of course it’s a singing closer with MacFarlane and Chenowith. I gotta give it to him. Seth MacFarlane did a pretty capable job. Certainly better than James fucking Franco.

Anyways, thanks for reading. We promise that something funnier will be coming up next! Time to drink more!

Adult Solutions to Board Games

Posted: December 31, 2012 by kaostheory in Advice
Tags: , , , , ,

First off, Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Eid/non-denominational holiday/atheistic irritation day to all our readers. We appreciate your support, especially in light of our not writing for shit this year. Hopefully next year will be more funny and less, you know, angsty/drinky/depression and anxiety…y. Anyways, since 2012 is almost over, for good or for ill, we figured we’d give you one last hurrah before the new year dawns in the middle of the night. Now, parties are always fun, but you may get stuck playing board games. That’s okay, though. We’re going to offer you some adult alternatives to classic board games so that you can spice up the mood of the room. As always, all of these games can be improved by drinking but that just goes without saying.
Monopoly: Collaborate in secret with the other players to perform a daring heist of the bank. At a given time, jump the banker and tie him or her up with rope and duct tape. Clean out the vault and spend an agonizingly long time deciding whether or not to kill the banker since they have seen your faces. Be serious and talk to the point where they don’t think that you are joking anymore. End up in a Mexican standoff and then say “fuck it” and go grab a couple Coronas. Start a new game.

Clue: Treat the game like an actual murder has taken place. Dust for prints, seal off the area, interview witnesses. Have one player come in as CSI to search for DNA evidence and have another player act as CIA and take over jurisdiction, angering all the other blue-collar players who want this case to make their careers. Go behind the CIAs back to find a critical piece of evidence (e.g. the candlestick) still dripping with the victim’s blood. Turn on each other as you realize that the killer is one of you. Trust is broken forever.

Risk: Build alliances covertly with every player and then implement nuclear warfare through Kamchatka. Nuke the fuck out of Africa and go middle fingers all over. Strategy be damned. Turn the world into a parking lot. Glass the fuckers. Risk always ends in fistfights anyways. Why not make them deserved?

Candy Land: Rename the various characters into wars. Queen Frostine is Grenada – quick and easy to get out of. King Kandy is WW2 – if you reach that point, you’re one of the baddest people in the game. Gramma Nutt is Iraq – it’ll take a while to get out but you can make progress towards it. And that motherfucker Plumpy is Vietnam – easy to get caught up in, impossible to get out of, and when it happens, it just ends up with Jane Fonda pissing on your face. Wait, I’m not sure I did that last one right.

LIFE: It’s a deadly serious game. The inevitable slog towards the grave lined with the stones of mounting debt, alcoholism, adultery, children, divorce, dating, depression, and suicide. The game of Life indeed. Nobody makes it out alive. If you really want to go dark, go with Russian Roulette as the spinner. Drive your fancy car to work, players. Your wife is now a lesbian.

Connect 4: You make four yellow or red coin-things in a row. You can’t adult it up. Oh! Okay. You put your penis through the hole and await the falling of the pain rings.

Operation: Create a fun little ambiance to it. Dim the lights, put on the sound of loud beeping. Monitor the patient’s condition. Have alarms going off and nurses/other players screaming. You’re not performing a real operation just trying to pull out some stupid plastic bone or whatever. You’re performing a real operation when touching the sides gets you sprayed in the face with pig’s blood. Don’t ask me where you can find pig’s blood. That’s your job.

Sorry: Real men don’t apologize. You knock someone back a few spaces, you give them the finger and tell them to suck a cock, asshole. Play to win. Ain’t nobody wanting you to be British or Canadian polite, move them back, and buy them a drink. What are you, some kind of blustery axe wound? Motherfuckers go down. Throw their piece at the wall. You are King Dick. Act like it.

Chutes and Ladders: I…don’t know how to make this one adult. Something about the ladder and chutes being sex? Shut up. I’m drunk.

Yahtzee: Treat it like a real game. Place bets. Get into fights. If you roll two ones, curse the skies about getting snake eyes. Go way over the top with competitiveness. Break a bottle and use it to menace a five-year old. You don’t care. You’re playing Yahtzee. All bets are off.

Battleship: Shots on shots on shots. Military strategy. Mourning those brave seamen (*snrk*) that gave their lives. 21-gun salutes. Frightened neighbors. Arrests. Trials. Tears. PTSD.

Mousetrap: Use actual mice. Just capture some and paint them primary colors. That can’t possibly traumatize little children. And hey, even if it does, you can chalk it up to a learning experience. Win win!

Twister: If you haven’t already tried to use this while drunk for some cheap sex, you are a fucking failure.

Perfection You’re an Asian child and you’re in high school. Instead of putting pieces into holes in rapid succession, you are fighting tooth and nail with other teens for valedictorian. You succeed but get to college and suck off the entire Phi Beta Chi fraternity while on a copious amount of cocaine. Perfection.

Don’t Wake Daddy: Have sex while playing. That adds an extra element of danger to the whole thing and the anticipation factor will keep you going to the point where when Daddy wakes up…well, you know. I’m talking about orgasm. For both of you, ideally. Don’t be selfish.

Trouble: Shoot a cop before playing this. That will add a darker tone to this as well as an added edge of danger. Plus you’re “GET TIN’ INTO TROUBLE!”, you dicks.

Hungry Hungry Hippos: Taunt those who lose for being anorexic. Tease them into tearful acceptance of any kind of offering of sex. No better way to enter the new year than to be inside a girl with low self-esteem! Da DA da da da DA.

Guess Who: Turn off all the lights and get naked. Instead of picking which one has a beard or which one has glasses, go by who you can feel. Does this person have pierced nipples? Does this person have a rigid cock? Does this person have scars all over their sexy torso? Guess with yo’ mouth!

Crossfire: I won’t offer a suggestion here because it’ll sound more racist than it should. Uh oh, Spaghetti-Os.
(You’re a sociopath, huh? – ed)

Drink drink drink! Happy New Year, bitches!

We’re doing the penis name thing again. This one always seems to get some nice traffic and anything original is damn sure not in the pipeline quite yet. Blame grad school, heavy drinking, sexual frustration, and working on an actual for-publication book. Yay for being twenty-six!
If you engage in non-consensual sex and/or if no woman will touch you, name it Dr. No. This one is basically a gimmie here. Plus it’s a good warning for anyone. It’d be like calling your dick The Hungerer or 23-Skidoo. It’s basically like painting it bright red and giving it an alarm system.

If you prefer to cyber/text/email/Skype/letter/horsedrawn carriage in a long-distance sexfest, name it From Russia with Love. Also be prepared to have anything and everything you send used against you if you want to go into a political career. Hope you like your cock on the New York Post front page!

If you like to diddle rich cougars in the back of their Escalades, name it Goldfinger. If you’re good, she may even give you an Oddjob in return. No, I don’t know what that is, but no, I’m not proud of that joke either.

If you insist on only having sex in the middle of a lightning storm (inside or out, doesn’t matter), name it Thunderball. This may also apply if you bangarang the chick so hard that you’re making loud clapping noises, like some BBW kind of porno.

If you fire away and then come back for a second round (but only a second round), name it You Only Live Twice. There…wasn’t a whole lot of funny ore to be mind out of this one. I have the sinking feeling that that may apply for a lot of these. Stupid!

If you are banging Kate Middleton on the side, first off let me congratulate your spectacular assholery but also, name it On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Seriously, though. If you are doing that, you are a champion.

If you are fucking one of multiple different porn stars that use precious stones as either a first or last stage name, name it Diamonds Are Forever. Also, get yourself checked out. That syphilis scare ain’t no joke.

If at any point you have had sex to the musical stylings of Paul McCartney, name it Live and Let Die. This could also apply if you were having sex on the edge of a cliff and, at the point of climax, your partner pulled off and rolled off the edge into oblivion but she was still hanging on by the tips of her fingers but you orgasmed and let her drop to her death. Maybe not in that order. That’s an oddly specific kink though.

If you have ever roleplayed as Christopher Lee, complete with extremely uncomfortable spousal abuse, name it The Man with the Golden Gun. Also, if you’ve ever involved a midget in your sexplay. That works too.

If you…I don’t know. Wait! If you’ve done the dirty with Anna Chapman, name it The Spy Who Loved Me. Saved by a hot redhead! First time I’ve ever said that…or written it.

If you’re super into spanking, name it Moonraker. Get it? It’s a vocabulary joke. It also applies if you put it in her dumper.

If you are involved with a chick who is really, really against the idea of any sort of sexual exhibitionism, name it For Your Eyes Only. You should also consider discussing your relationship and what sort of sexual experimentation you both would be comfortable with in order to strengthen your lives.

If you…you know what? No. This is too freaking obvious. You make your own joke for this one when you name it Octopussy.

If you get off watching snuff films, you sick fuck, name it A View to a Kill. This also counts if you produce what is widely considered to be the worst sex possible within the context of movies. Also if you’re Christopher Walken, in which case, welcome to the site, Mr. Walken! I love your work.

If you wreck a girl so hard that she’s dazed and confused and not really sure where she’s at, first off, congrats, and second off, name it The Living Daylights. You might also want to check her for bruising or tearing or maybe even a concussion. That’s probably not healthy.

If you…are James Bond? I guess? Name it Licence to Kill. This one also makes it impossible to create a filthy ambiguity to it. Thanks a whole lot, MGM or whatever. Oh! If you’re a two-shot Scott (or Timothy, I guess) and can only do it twice with a chick before you pass her off to another, more handsome, and younger dude. Also name it that then.

If you’re into peeing on a girl’s face (also sick fuck), then you pretty much have to name it GoldenEye. Gross. More like “pinkeye in a day or two”. Maximum. You probably won’t be able to look at her in the eye for a while either. That’s a dark step.

If you fantasize about Teri Hatcher and then about Teri Hatcher being dead, name it Tomorrow Never Dies . Also if newspapers turn you on for some reason. I’m not sure what kind of philia that is and I’m not sure I want to know.

If you’re down for a little erotic asphyxiation, name it The World Is Not Enough. This only makes sense if you’ve seen the movie and if you have, you’ll find this apropos. It also applies if you’ve rubbed one out to Denise Richards, but let’s be honest, that covers like 3/4 of all mankind – past and present.

If you prefer to engage in delayed orgasm techniques, name it Die Another Day. See, because orgasm in French is “le petit mort” or “the Little Death” so if you ‘die’ another day, you’re cumming…later. You know what, I just murdered this joke. Moving on.

If you like being tied to a chair and having your nuts pounded with a length of knotted rope, you’re probably sterile by now. Also, name it Casino Royale.

If you fuck the pain away, just like Peaches, name it Quantum of Solace. It also works if you had a weird fetish for motor oil and fire.

If you come back after what some previous people called a weak sex and absolutely blow their minds, name it Skyfall

Now that those titles are done, it’s on to characters and such!

If you’re always full of surprises and like bringing new toys into the equation, name it Q.

If you love having sex and just don’t even care too much about the condition it is (quantity over quality), name it Pussy Galore.

If you have it bad for this one particular person but never manage to get quite close enough to seal the deal, name it Moneypenny. And God have mercy on your poor sex life.

If you just want a hilarious name, name it Albert R. Broccoli. You could do something here about it being green but…blech.

If you’ve got a Louisville Slugger swinging down by your knees, name it Plenty O’Toole. Heh. Tool.

Finally, if you’re just going to be a bragging asshole, call it what it is and name it Mr. Big.
(We would like to stress that we don’t suggest any of these names for real, especially not the more distasteful ones. – ed.)

Speak for your damn self! I’m Mr. Big now and forever!

First off, all of our wonderful readers on Twitter need to follow @GrigorNR immediately. It’s a daily dose of DECF compacted into 140 characters a few times a day. Usually. Basically, it’s a free laugh. So…you know…do. Follow. The account. Yes.


Anyways, the holidays are always an exciting time to be alive. The thrill of the rush of the crowds. The bruised ribs and chipped teeth. Tripping a roaring mother of three as she charges through the horde of rabid consumers and leaving her to be trampled under feet homing in on iPads and Fuck Me Barbies. Ah. Winter in Tuscany.

But the real start of the holiday season is that magical last Thursday in November: Thanksgiving. Think about it with me, will you?

Can’t you just taste it now? The potatoes? The cranberry sauce? The different pies? Various styles of salads and buns and stuffing and marshmallow yams and a whole hell of a lot of wine? What about that turkey? Cooked to perfection. The meat nice and juicy, especially those giblets. The skin crispy and golden. The random family member with his pants down around his ankles, humping the cavity with reckless abandon, grease staining his dress slacks?

Oh. Wait.

Yes, my friend. You’ve just been stuck with an old “Ben Franklin’s Folly”. The more Thanksgivings you go through, the more the odds approach 100% that you will find one of the members of your family (hopefully extended, but occasionally you have nuclear) buried up to the hilt in the gaping anus of what once used to be a, if not majestic, at least respectable bird. It’s an inevitability, just like Grandma having one too many hot toddys and revealing to her grandchildren that she in fact used to be in possession of a penis under her matronly old lady pants. Just like Uncle Bob suffering a coronary because THE GODDAMN LIONS COULDN’T COVER A RECEIVER IF YOU HANDED THEM BLANKETS AND A SONOFABITCHING DART GUN. Just like a couple of your distant cousins ending up in the bathroom with their mouths in places that only significant others, hookers, and Penn State coaches usually inhabit. It’s the American dream!

Whether or not it is just a part of tradition, the fact is that now you have to deal with the centerpiece to your biggest meal of the year currently being raped. So. What do you do? We’re here to help!
First off, you need to determine if the violator has ‘finished’. This is the most critical component. Every moment that you waste gawking in abject horror at the turkey-fucking in front of you is another moment closer to the bird being completely unsalvageable due to a special helping of Cousin Jeff’s man gravy. So, you need to assess the situation quickly.

If the thrusting is slowing down, you’re doomed. Throw the bird out and order pizza. Or better yet, tie Cousin Jeff down and force him to eat the entire turkey. Put the video of his agony up on YouTube while making sure the world knows that this man ruined your perfectly lovely dinner with his food sex.

If his thrusting is speeding up, HURRY. He’s about to go Vesuvius inside the bird and you only have a workable give time of about fifteen seconds if you’re lucky. Sprint over, rip the bird off his dick (being careful to avoid any potential man splatter), and throw him through the breakfast nook window. It’s the only way to be sure that his seed does not touch your meal. Plus picking glass shards out of your urethra is a good way to have quick operant conditioning.

If he is maintaining a steady rhythm, you’re safe and can proceed accordingly. You have two options. You can either quietly but firmly tell him to put the bird down and leave this place, never to return on pain of public humiliation. Or you can just knock his ass out with a wine bottle and call the family in to witness his flaccid shame. Either is reasonable.

Assuming that you have not had the bird serve to completion as an organic RealDoll and have just quietly ejected the offending party from your home…what do you do about the bird? Obviously, it’s not sanitary to slice up and serve what has only recently been as fucked as the emotional compasses of those teenage mouth-breathers called Twilight fans. On the other hand…you’re the only one to see what happened and you know exactly which parts have kept their sexual integrity intact. Plus, it’s getting close to showtime and there’s no really good way to explain that the turkey is unusable because of some “indiscreet behavior”. Choices, choices. The way I see it, you have only really two options.

First, you could chuck the thing. Set it on fire and let the healing flame cleanse the tortured carcass and burn away the ooginess in your soul. Go and give a quick little speech to the group of gathered family and friends and explain in no uncertain terms that the turkey had to be destroyed because you damn sure were going to keep even the barest vestige of Cousin Jeff’s semen away from your loved ones. Spare no one any detail. The children must know that sometimes the people that you think are so great are really just bird-fuckers. They’ll have to learn at some point.

The other choice is less morally defensible but more financially and expeditiously viable. You can simply carve up the bird, making sure to throw away any pieces that you know for a fact were tainted with dick germs, and serve it to your guests with a smile on your face and a sick feeling in your stomach. Maybe split your unsullied portion with the little kids so you can feel like you maintained some sort of moral guideline in the wake of your serving sex meat to your family. You asshole. I can’t even look at you.

Finally…the million dollar question. What if someone finds out that you took the faster route instead of the healthier route? It’s really simple.

You lie. You lie your ass off. You explain to the (more than likely) incredibly angry and offended party that the bird was not, in fact, penetrated. Rather, you tell them that you walked into the kitchen just as your ornithological humpmaster was dropping his pants and creeping towards the bird, a predatory look on his face. You tell them that you whipped your coffee cup at his balls and ejected him from the family forever. You assure them that at no point was any part of any penis on or inside the food. Basically, you tell them whatever they want to hear, whether or not it’s true. A lie can never be found out, you know.

And if the sexual offender is in fact a female instead of a male?

Um. I don’t know. Watch and see what happens, I guess?
(What in the hell kind of double standard is that? – ed.)

What do you mean?

(That if a man has sex with your meal that he should be shunned but if a woman does that you should just watch and, presumably, masturbate? – ed.)

Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa. I never said masturbate. That would be incest. Even weirder incest if that would be possible. I just said watch and see what happens. You added the sex thing.

(…I can’t believe you’re trying to moralize to ME now. – ed.)

Ba-leeb it! Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May your family be well and your food remain unviolated!

Although those of us at Dan Eats Cat (tell your friends, whore us out, bring us love!) are nearly omnipotent and thus unable to physically experience the trauma of making mistakes, we understand that mortals can have problems sometimes with life. And, of course, the demographic most desperately in need of our aid to prevent them from becoming drooling, crying, chest-slapping retards is simple: teenagers. Yes, we too were teenagers at one point, although we experience time differently from you. Be that as it may, we have deigned to bless your basic lives with some knowledge and advice that hopefully will turn the horror of adolescence into something marginally productive in society. As always, it must be assumed that this advice is being given to legal 18-year olds. Covering our asses.
Let’s be frank, here. Teenage love is the strangest, strongest and most damaging of all love, save perhaps anal. Thus, it requires the most help in understanding and navigating the non-Euclidean geometric waters. That’s an H.P. Lovecraft joke for you, by the way. It’s messy, confusing, frustrating, great and terrible all at the same time, kind of like a really difficult bowel movement except with more potential for ejaculation. And it’s not like it’s going to matter anyways. You little bastards never listen to any good advice from those who have gone before because we’re, like, old and can’t possibly understand all the intricacies of teenage dating. Ungrateful little punks. All the same, let’s help you out.

Girls, do you think you love him? Well…you’re right! Get pregnant so he can never leave you.

Boys, if she won’t sexually pleasure you, dump her. Right around the corner will be another girl, probably not as good-looking, but she’s willing to put your dick in her mouth and that is something that you can’t discount.

Girls, if there are aspects of your boy that you don’t like, nag and berate and harass him until he either leaves or changes. If he won’t change everything about himself to suit your ever-fluctuating whims, he doesn’t love you.

Boys, refuse to acknowledge any flaws that you may have in the relationship. You’re the almost-man and that means that you’re always right.

Girls, it’s not out of line or immature to scream at the top of your lungs, including that female banshee shriek teenage girls can achieve, at your boyfriend in the middle of the hallway during lunch because you totally saw him checking out that slut Lindsay’s ass, that fucking jerk.

Boys, that Lindsay has a nice ass, huh?

Girls, yes, it is absolutely rational to never want to see that asshole again because how dare he go to (insert new teenage shit movie here) with his family when he promised you that he would see it with you first when you were holding hands in your car after school.

Boys, erections are perfectly healthy and you should not be ashamed of them. Unless, of course, you get one in the locker room as you’re showering after football practice. Then you might have some other things to worry about beyond a simple erection.

Girls, it’s so heartbreaking when a relationship ends. You absolutely should go and give his big brother a handjob in the backyard when you’re drunk on wine coolers at Brad’s graduation party. That’ll show him.

Boys, you will be able to put it in her butt if you buy her a really nice meal at that Italian place down the road, manage to steal some champagne from your parents’ liquor cabinet (or get them to buy it, if they’re cool) and lie to her about other people doing it. It will be mediocre because she’ll be scared and tense up, which means it’ll hurt her so she’ll cry and you’ll have to abandon it halfway through and just cuddle the rest of the night. It will set a tone for the rest of your dating life.

Girls, is your relationship starting to break apart? There’s a simple solution. Have a baby. Introducing a baby into the mix never creates anything but a stronger love. Note: this is similar to the earlier piece of advice because it’s such a good idea.

Boys, just remember this: if you blow your load in her mouth or on her tits or, God forbid, in her butt, she can’t create a crotch spawn. Pray she’s too stupid to remember that.

Girls, you can totally get pregnant by taking a shot in the mouth or on your tits or in your butt. The whole body is connected! Your heart pumps blood throughout your entire body, right? Why can’t it do that with baby batter, huh?

Boys, it doesn’t technically count as cheating if you fuck her sister or cousin because, hey, you’re keeping it in the family. Also it doesn’t count if she never finds out so…that’s a plus too.

Girls, expecting that your boyfriend or crush will act like Edward Cullen is not realistic. He’s totally more of a Jacob Black. OMGZ!

Boys, if you find out your girlfriend is either reading the Twilight “books” or watching the “movies”, either dump her or distract her and burn her copies. Or burn her body and dump it in the copies. Maybe not that last one.

Girls, if you’re starting to get bitchy, go get a tampon so you don’t period all over your boyfriend.

Boys, if she’s bleeding, run for the hills for the structural integrity of your relationship is in grave danger. Do not come back until the passing of the full moon.

Girls, if your boyfriend hurts you – and he will hurt you – just go ahead and declare all men the sworn enemy of your sovereign vagina. Because clearly every man in the world is a stupid asshole who broke your heart.

Boys, be aware of one fact: no matter how fun it is to be a jerk, no matter how fun it is to snap bra straps or piss off girlfriends, no matter how fun it is to fuck around and sleep with everyone you can…your genitals are outside your body and hanging targets. Be warned. Nah, just kidding. Angry girls won’t go for the balls, no matter how mad they are. They understand the pain they provide and won’t take advantage of it. Teenage girls aren’t psychopaths at ALL, as you know.

And finally, for both genders, the love that you experience in high school is forever. No relationships past high school will ever mean as much or feel as strong as the ones you experience then. It’s all downhill. So be sure to get all your loving in during high school or you’ll miss out!
(You really hate teenagers, don’t you? – ed.)

Hate? No. Loathe? No. Respect? No.

(I…hm. – ed.)


Sexniques: The World Cup Edition

Posted: June 24, 2010 by kaostheory in Advice, Informative
Tags: , ,

Because we here at Dan Eats Cat Food apparently are getting into the pattern of rehashing old articles with new twists instead of providing new content lately, we have gone back into the vault so that we can modify yet another sex advice piece. Wonderful. This is a great idea since the world absolutely needs more unqualified advice columnists to guide them through the treacherous waters of sexuality and personal, intimate interaction. God knows that People, if you actually listen to what we are telling you, you will be getting less ass than…I don’t know, Bolivia after a donkey genocide.

(Seriously? THAT was the comparison you decided to go with? – ed.)

Not my finest, I will admit that. I should have gone with less ass than a Mormon boy on prom night.

(That’s only marginally better. – ed.)

Less ass than a skeleton orgy?

(Are…did you suffer a massive blow to the head recently? Ugh. Just do the article, man. – ed.)

FINE. God.
The Jabulani:This one requires a little bit of pre-planning if only to give yourself the chance to make this legit. By legit, we of course mean painting your sackbag red and green and yellow and white. Be careful though. If the chick you’re focusing on banging the shit out of is Brazilian or Argentinian or really any South American or African nationality, she may feel compelled to start kicking it around. If that happens, you need to run the hell away because the Jabulani isn’t really controllable after being kicked and you don’t want to have to replace the drywall.

The Vuvuzela:This is pretty simple. It’s when she’s getting her blow on and she starts humming to increase the sensations. Except instead of a light humming that should make your knees quiver, she goes into a full-out screaming session on your dick, lips still locked on like a wet plunger stuck to a bathroom wall. Eventually, it’ll get to be too much for you and you’ll start wailing and trying to get her to stop, the humming having reached the inside of your brain and ears, making them throb unceasingly. Too late you realize that you are in fact living in Hell and the humming will never stop and you will never lose your load.

The Pitch:Well, this is obviously the playing field, isn’t it? So…the bed, the floor, the couch, the kitchen table, the hot tub, the shower, the backseat of a 1997 Jetta, the roof, the lawn, the swing in the children’s playground down the street, Australia…

The Goal:Anal. That is all.

The Handball:Ladies, we understand that you get incredibly enthusiastic when you’re smoking the Cohiba. We get it. Our wangs are pillars of manlyness and sometimes you just have to have your mouth around them. It’s cool. Sometimes you even like using your hands to mix things up, make things a little more interesting. There is nothing wrong with that. If anything, it spikes our heartrate. But when you rear back and smack the coin purse as hard as you able to in an attempt to, presumably, spur us on like a horse, we have to draw the line. That behavior is, in many circles, considered impolite.

The Free Kick:If you get one of these, you are set for life. A free kick in this context means that you have free and open access to any and all fields of play and goals. If you miss, however, you will be ruthlessly mocked and teased for all eternity. So don’t…um…blow it.

The Cards:Definitely tricky in implementation. If you go for the “goal” and experience a “handball” instead, you can give the “yellow card” for a “free kick”. Unfortunately, she can give a “red card” of her own and send you to the “locker room” (read: the couch).

The Flop:We’ve all done it. You’re with someone – some hosebeast – that you really don’t want to be with. Things didn’t work out in your favor and you’re going down a fat and greasy road. Thank God you had your wits about you enough to cap your oil drill site. All you have to do now is maintain semi-erect status for as long as you have to in order to fake the…call it the Grand Illusion if you will. That way, you can pull out, your pipe wrench long since flaccid and useless, roll over, fake going to sleep and take the fuck off as soon as Jabba the Hutt has drifted off.

The Diego Maradona:You use your fingers to bring about a religious revelation. (Hand of God, get it? Get it? Eh, it was before your time, I guess).

The Landon Donovan:You spend the majority of the sex not doing anything incredibly spectacular – a solid performance but nothing exciting – until all of a sudden, you turn on the jets, hammer on her erogenous zones and bring about a tremendous, thrashing explosion. She will be so thrilled by your performance that you will probably be treated to another round.

The Robert Green:The opposite of the Landon Donovan. You sex reasonably well for a while until, uh-oh-spaghettios, for whatever reason, something trips your trigger and you coat the inside of her net with mistimed slippery. Don’t worry. The outrage that she will have will be matched by the love from other friends who wanted nothing more than to see that bitch go down.

The Koman Coulibaly:Everyone hates you. You will never be loved. You will go home after a horrific night at the bar, not only getting shot down by every woman there but even cockblocking your friends by making a cancer joke in front of a set of twins that lost their dad just the day before. You will cry, rub yourself to a weak orgasm and then hang yourself with an extension cord. You will deserve it. Nobody will attend your funeral.

(I wouldn’t nearly call this a success. – ed.)

What would you call it then?

(Grounds for a defamation lawsuit. – ed.)

What? From that Mali dude? He’s from MALI. Like he fucking knows what defamation is.

(KAOS! – ed.)

What? It’s probably not taught in schools over there. It’s a complex concept. Even I don’t fully understand it.

(Annnnnnnd we’re stopping here before we get in more trouble. Happy trails, all. Go USA! – ed.)

It should come as no surprise that stoners do not require much to entertain them.  Yet there are still many mistakes that people make.  It is not merely enough to show a stoner something stupid make him justify his ironic on a whim purchase by making him laugh.  You see, he thinks he is smart.  Take the movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.  It is a bad film, but one that has been kept alive by giggling college students who stay awake until five A.M. watching it. Therefore, it is a requirement to cater to your demographic – who are all in their twenties, all feel world weary, and are all unemployed.

1) The Soundtrack-This is listed as the first item, not because it is the most vital, but because it is the most overlooked.  It is not enough to have programed songs in your soundtrack that were dated in 1983.  No, you need to try and be original. Hire some indie band to at least contribute a song to you. That way, you can claim your production was a way to “stick it to the man,”  a phrase that has all stoners nodding their heads in approval. Or, if you are truly a Renaissance Man, you can write your own material.  This usually does nothing except allow you to claim you are a Renaissance Man.  Besides, in the case of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, using music only helped to accentuate the camp value, and thus, value for stoners.  Don’t ever fall into the trap of thinking that the soundtrack is not important. In some ways, it is the most important thing about your film.
2) Pseudo-Philosophy-What is it that sets the stoner apart from everyone else?  Well, he claims to be smarter than everyone else.  It is true that there are many who claim to be smarter but are not.  What sets the stoner apart is that he does have a passing familiarity with certain items that an educated person might.  Therefore, it is important to indulge in this familiarity.  Does the stoner claim to be a Proust fan but has only read one page of it?  Have a character look into the camera and say “I remember all things past.”  That is as far as you need to go.  The stoner will feel he has experienced something deep. Mention something about “The Superman” and the stoner will yell out “Nietzsche!” as though it is some sort of Pavlovian response.  Heck, use Pavlov.  You don’t have to worry about knowing what any of it means.  The stoner will not either.
3) Irony (Laughing at things no one else will laugh at)-OK, this is sort of like the topic above, but this time you are going for laughs.  You cannot be as blatant in your references.  To do that would not be funny. What you should do instead is try and hope your property may be subtle enough to be interpreted as deep. Let us look at Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Is it about vegetarianism and how it is the only proper way?  Is it about how the consumerist society is being eaten by what it craves?  No; it’s  a dumb movie about killer tomatoes.  But do not tell the stoner this fact.  He will be able to discuss about how it is something like that, before going back to mourning the loss of Jerry Garcia.  That will make it popular and thus make you money.

4) Casting– Now, most of you will be tempted to cast your friend who temps at an insurance company as the film’s hero and your girlfriend who works at the perfume counter at J.C. Penny’s as the love interest.  And you know what?  This is the exact right method to use.  Stoners everywhere will congratulate you on how you used “real people” as opposed to those “phony Hollywood people” even though your girlfriend will not be able to read her lines off the cue cards you will be forced to use.  Go with it; such incompetency will only increase the appeal.  The more incompetent, the better.  Know a fat real estate agent?  He can be the best friend. Homeless guy?  Promise him a sandwich and you have cast the comic relief.  Some guy that merely shows up and asks to be in the movie?  He’s the villain – after all, nothing is more villainous than a wannabe actor.

Hopefully this will help you in creating a property that will be enjoyed by those who will never be able to afford it in their lives.  Go forth and conquer!