Dan Eats Cat Food Blogs The Oscars 2013

Posted: February 24, 2013 by kaostheory in Advice
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Forgive us for the length of time between articles. SOMEone decided that he had to finish and publish one of the finest books ever written. (Robocopter Ski Patrol, on sale next month through CreateSpace and Amazon – TELL YOUR FRIENDS) and thus this poor site has to take a hit. Never fear, though. We’re still going to continue the tradition we have of liveblogging the Oscars, even though this year is going to suck because of the host…and the pageantry…and, really everything. Why are we doing this again? Also, we’ll be getting drunk so this may go off the rails later on.
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7:03: I guess it’s time to do the red carpet. Why does Kristen Chenowith look like Gollum? She’s usually pretty hot. Maybe it’s the hairstyle. And Halle Berry is apparently channeling the 1980s. I have it on mute so I don’t really know.

7:05: Lord, Adele looks a lot like my ex. This is not a pleasant realization. Time for more goddamn beer! Wait. Great googly moogly, Stacy Keibler. Holy crap. Like a tall, super-sexy sequin.

7:07: What is it with the silver glittery look tonight? Not that it’s a bad one by any means but it’s strange to see such similarity. Unless, of course, we’re talking about Michael Bay movies OH THAT’S RIGHT I JUST WENT THERE.

7:08: So is there a procedure for if one of the vote guys gets taken out? Are the votes halved or…what? Commercial!

7:12: Hey, Anne Hathaway’s nipples. Not like a thousand jokes haven’t been made already. Still…good form, ladies.

7:14: On second thought, it looks like Chenowith’s weird look is because of anorexia. I’m seeing neck muscles that are never seen normally.

7:15: Not sure who the lovely lady is with Jamie Foxx (were I to unmute the TV, I may know) but DA-YUM.

7:16: So which character is Daniel Day-Lewis playing now? An Oscar-nommed actor? Good choice!

7:21: Neil Meron looks terrifying. Like…”I could buy and sell your life to whomever I wanted and you couldn’t do a dang thing about it” terrifying.

7:25: Queen Latifah TOWERS over Chenowith. Is she really that big or small, respectively?

7:28: Red Widow looks stupid as hell. There’s a reason I don’t watch ABC like…ever. Just a special level of crap-ass writing, I think.

7:30: Time to start. Let’s see how awful MacFarlane is. THANK YOU RDJ for not applauding! Love him more now.

7:32: Nice little burn on Ben Affleck there.

7:33: This kind of seems like a bad standup right now. He’s nervous. And reading cue cards.

7:34: Not going to lie. I really laughed at the Chris Brown joke.

7:36: What…in the hell…? Shatner as Capt. Kirk? This is…odd.

7:38: Also not going to lie…the “We Saw Your Boobs” song is actually pretty clever. I’m sadly a little impressed.

7:39: Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron out and dancing to MacFarlane singing. Interesting. They sure can dance though. Or have been trained in doing so at least. “The Way You Look Tonight”. Not a bad song at all.

7:41: Sock puppet thing not quite as funny. They can’t all winners. Which is also the theme of the night. Badumtisch.

7:42: Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt dancing – with really loud music. May need a little balance, orchestra.

7:45: Another weird sketch, this time with Sally Field. They are all over the place tonight.

7:47: They really need to fix the music balancing issue. It drowns out most of the vocals. Maybe that’s just on my end though.

7:48: Olivia whoever out now. Best Supporting Actor and the nominees are: Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, and Christoph Waltz. And the winner is…Christoph Waltz. I think that may have been a surprise but I absolutely love it. He was phenomenal in Django. One of my favorite Tarantino characters ever. Super classy of him to give his respect to the other nominees.

7:52: Commercial-time. ‘nother beer, barkeep!

7:55: Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd out on-stage now. Kind of a little awkward. Anyways. Best Short Film, Animated and the nominees are: Adam and Dog, Fresh Guacamole, Head Over Heels, Paperman, and The Simpsons: The Longest Daycare. And the winner is…Paperman. No big shocker there. It was absolutely beautiful. I saw it online and was blown away. I was calling either that or the Simpsons one, which was also very well done. You could see the joy on his face when he mentioned his wife. That was great.

7:59: Best Animated Feature and the nominees are: Brave, Frankenweenie, ParaNorman, The Pirates! Band of Misfits, and Wreck-It Ralph. And the winner is…Brave. Also no shocker here. And the dude is coming out in a kilt! Major props to him. I definitely respect the balls that takes.

8:00: Reese Witherspoon now. My brother must be popping one in his pants right now. Presenting the Les Mis Best Picture along with Life of Pi and Beasts of the Southern Wild. I never got to see Les Mis. I really wish I had. Mainly because just hearing the music even now is giving me the shivers. I absolutely adore that musical. The other two are…meh-looking.

8:05: Even HE was a little ashamed about the crack on Clooney. Hahaha. Bringing out The Avengers cast now. Fantastic. No ScarJo though, which is a little surprising. What are they presenting? They are ripping badly on Jackson and Downey. Love it. Best Cinematography and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting choice. The guy looks like an aging hair metal star. He also may be high.

8:08: The Avengers still on-stage. Love it. Best Visual Effects and the nominees are: The Avengers, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Life of Pi, Prometheus, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Man. That’s doing really well. It must be an absolutely beautiful movie, I suppose. Had to be better than The Hulk for Ang Lee. The guy really should have shut the fuck up earlier on though. Man.

8:12: Commercial. Whew. My fingers are getting a workout.

8:16: Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston. She looks stunning in the red dress. Still hot, even at 40 something. I think she just implied that she did Brazilian. Best Costume Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Les Misérables, Lincoln, Mirror Mirror, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Anna Karenina. Good on her. It must have been a lot of work since, you know, Russian royalty times. She made up for the over-run though. Short and to the point. Good for her.

8:19: Any of these would be awesome. Best Makeup and Hairstyling and the nominees are: Hitchcock, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and Les Misérables. And the winner is…Les Miserables. It makes a lot of sense. French Revolution and all that tends to be pretty in-depth. Oh, that’s her scarf! I thought she was wearing a jacket because she was cold. I guess I just don’t understand fashion.

8:21: Halle Berry out to the Bond music for the 50 Years of Bond tribute. Fifty years. That is INCREDIBLE. It’s even more incredible if you’ve never seen one of them. This tribute is freaking slick though. It just reminds me of how much I love the entire franchise.

8:25: Who is this? Oh, Shirley Bassey! It’s the woman who sang Goldfinger. She still has her pipes though. WOW. She started out a little rough but CRUSHED it. Commercials!

8:31: Just recognizing the producers and director. Cool. Next up, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx. Very nice. She’s looking beautiful. Best Short Film, Live Action and the nominees are: Asad, Buzkashi Boys, Curfew, Death of a Shadow, and Henry. And the winner is…Curfew. I knew nothing about any of these but that one looked suitably ominous in the fifteen seconds or so of footage they showed here. Nice, quick, and classy. I like that guy.

8:35: Best Documentary, Short Subject and the nominees are: Inocente, Kings Point, Mondays at Racine, Open Heart, and Redemption. And the winner is…Innocente. Again, I know nothing about it but it sounded foreign so I was taking a shot that it might win? Maybe? Annnnnd the guy goes a little political. Okay.

8:37: Liam Neeson! I love this man. He is such a badass. He wins everything. All the awards. More Best Picture recaps. Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty. Of course Neeson did the political/thriller ones.

8:41: WOW. I really love that Booth joke – “the actor that got the most inside Lincoln’s head was Booth”. It’s so wrong but I love it. I also approve of playing off the teleprompter ad lib. Also an amazing woman joke – “the innate ability of women to never let anything go”. Love it.

8:43: Affleck up on stage now. He definitely didn’t seem to like the jokes at his expense. Best Documentary, Feature and the nominees are: 5 Broken Cameras, The Gatekeepers, How to Survive a Plague, The Invisible War, and Searching for Sugar Man. And the winner is…Searching for Sugar Man. I’m actually a bit surprised. I would have thought that the AIDS one would win. Because AIDS ALWAYS wins. Both at the Oscars and in real life.

8:46: Commercial time.

8:48: Local commercials, are always so freaking bad.

8:49: Now up we have Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain. Gotta love me some redhead. Wow. Not going to be a whole lot of humor with these two though. Best Foreign Language Film and the nominees are: Amour, War Witch, No, A Royal Affair, and Kon-Tiki. And the winner is…Amour. Oh gee, I wonder who would have not expected that one since it’s up for an actual Best Feature award. Come on. Take away the drama, huh? I kind of wish that Haneke would Funny Games his speech. That would be be awesome and terrifying.

8:52: Good on the orchestra but they are so freaking loud to the point where they are drowning out people.

8:53: John Travolta. Interesting choice. No Vic Vega hair. Sadly. Now a celebration of movie musicals. This could be pretty awesome. Ah, Chicago. I actually like it a lot more than I did in high school. I also think I may have hated it because the show choir was so fucking obsessed with it. Oh man. Catherine Zeta-Jones. I hate Michael Douglas just…on principle. Now Dreamgirls, apparently. Jennifer Hudson – also hot with a great voice, but in a different way from CZJ. Just as good though. Aww, it’s the original song from Les Mis. Sad. I was hoping for One Day More. WAIT! IT IS ONE DAY MORE! GOOSEBUMPS. The dude playing Marius sounds like a frog, though. Anyways, hit it, Enjolras! Good. God. Fuck. Yes. That was incredible.

9:05: Commercial and I kind of need it.

9:08: Now up we have Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana. She’s fine as fine can be as always. Ah yeah, it’s the Sci/Tech Awards recognition. I totally respect that. They deserve an incredible amount of respect. Not just as “nerds”, James Franco, you stoner asshole.

9:10: Awesome, Mark Wahlberg is out…the Ted thing is a little weird though. Is that CGI? I think that’s incredible actually. Best Sound Mixing and the nominees are: Argo, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Les Miserables. Awesome. I really think I need to see it now. Markie Mark looked a little pissed to be out there with CGI though.

9:13: Best Sound Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Skyfall, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…A TIE?! Has that ever happened?! Zero Dark Thirty (the guy kind of sounds like he’s high but maybe he’s just Scandanavian) and SKyfall. That was pretty deserved too. They both were, actually, I assume. I’m also a little biased towards Skyfall but hell, an Oscar is an Oscar. Is there a requirement for sound guys to have long flowing locks?

9:18: Who’s up next? This could be bad…and is absolutely seeming that way. Yep. Awful, awful bit. Awful. Anyways, Christopher Plummer is out now. Legend in the house. He’s got the shakes a little. That’s troubling. Best Supporting Actress and the nominees are: Amy Adams, Sally Field, Anne Hathaway, Helen Hunt, and Jacki Weaver. And the winner is…Anne Hathaway. I’m not joking that I typed her name in without bothering to check the others. That was about as much of a gimmie as there was tonight. Good on her and her erect nipples. I mean, singing voice. Common mistake, that.

9:24: Commercial time. Beer time. I’m feeling the wearing down now.

9:29: Academy President. He looks almost exactly what I would have expected him to look like. Wow. Academy Museum huh? That sounds pretty damn cool. I don’t really care about the college kids helping out though. Except for Jennifer. She is freaking SMOKIN’.

9:31: Next up is Sandra Bullock. She should be pretty funny. Maybe? Best Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Never saw it but I heard it was amazing. Hey, a guy without massively long hair! Short and silver. Classy.

9:34: Jennifer Lawrence is out with a massive freaking dress. Performing is Adele. It’s a decent song but I really don’t want to look at her. Not because she’s not beautiful but…yeah. Mentioned it earlier. I’m just going to listen instead. It’s a nice song and she does it beautifully but…anyways, more beer?

9:39: Commercials. And beer!

9:43: Nicole Kidman and her android face is out to talk about Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, and Amour. And Tarantino looks so displeased with her. But that’s kind of his default setting, I think.

9:47: Kristen Stewart and Daniel Radcliffe. One of a great franchise, one of the spawn of Satan. Still hot though. I’m pretty sure she’s super drunk though. But she was in Twilight, so who wouldn’t be? Best Production Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, and Lincoln. And the winner is…Lincoln. Interesting. That’s not what I was expecting. I’m not sure what I WAS but it wasn’t that. It looks really pretty though so…maybe I’m just wrong.

9:50: Salma Hayek on stage now, looking gorgeous. As always. Presenting the Governors Awards, whatever those are. Congrats to those guys though.

9:52: FUCK Michael Moore. That is all.

9:53: Commercials.

9:57: Clooney is out here now. Let’s see how smug he can get. Oh wait. In Memorium…never mind. I know Michael Clarke Duncan is on there. Ernest Borgnine was first. Sad. I miss that old dude already. Marvin Hamlish was the last one. Interesting. That’s not who I would have pegged there but God bless him. You could do better than Streisand as the singer though. She kind of looks like the Wicked Witch of the West if she was an albino. And yes, I know that this won’t be a popular opinion.

10:04: Fade to black and commercials.

10:05: 10th anniversary of Chicago. Wow. I didn’t know that. Bringing the cast out. All of them looking super as well. Best Original Score and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting. I kind of figured though. It had a more international feel to it when looking at those quick footage trailers. I’m sure it’s deserved though. Again, I wouldn’t know. I was kind of a lazy-ass this year when it came to movies.

10:12: This one is going to be no surprise either. Calling it right now. Gonna have to just listen to the screen again. The dress that Norah Jones is wearing is not flattering at all though. She’s a pretty lady. Not a lampshade. Anyways, I was saying. Best Original Song and the nominees are: Chasing Ice (“Before My Time”), Les Misérables (“Suddenly”), Life of Pi (“Pi’s Lullaby”), Skyfall (“Skyfall”), and Ted (“Everybody Needs a Best Friend”). And the winner is…Skyfall. To the surprise of nobody. It’s not even my favorite Bond song. Ah well.

10:18: Commercial time again. They’re hitting it about even fifteen minutes at this point.

10:22: Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron. Interesting combination. She is so much taller than him! And she looks super hot no matter what her hair length is. Good Lord. One of the prettiest women in the world. Best Adapted Screenplay and the nominees are: Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Silver Linings Playbook. And the winner is…Argo. Thank God. I was just hoping it wasn’t Kushner (Lincoln). I still loathe him for Angels in America, which killed my joy in theatre for three years.

10:25: Best Original Screenplay and the nominees are: Amour, Django Unchained, Flight, Moonrise Kingdom, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Django Unchained. REALLY. Wow, that is awesome! And we get to hear Tarantino talk! Man, I really love this award. He’s one of my heroes. Almost stunned Jamie Foxx into nothingness with his arrogance. Love Tarantino. SO much.

10:28: Commercials again.

10:30: ….what in the living hell was that Gray Poupon commercial? Did anyone else just see that?

10:32: Directing up next. Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas. Maybe she can keep her bitch mouth shut long enough to honor this category. Best Director and the nominees are: Michael Haneke, Ang Lee, David O. Russell, Steven Spielberg, and Benh Zeitlin. And the winner is…Ang Lee. That’s a shocker. The dude has come a long way from The Hulk, which was basically unforgivable. I’m sure he earned it though.

10:37: Commercials. Now we’re getting to the heavy hitters.

10:38: I don’t get that lingerie commercial but I don’t care. Yum.

10:40: Jean Dujardin on stage now. Just a cool dude. Please anyone but the kid. Best Actress and the nominees are: Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Emmanuelle Riva, Quvenzhané Wallis, and Naomi Watts. And the winner is…Jennifer Lawrence. Good. I’m really glad to hear that one. And she TRIPPED. Oh no. But that big-ass dress is what did it. She just seems like a fun person that happens to be a great actress, not the other way around.

10:45: Meryl Streep up now. Man. He was right about no introduction. Probably going to be Daniel Day-Lewis because, you know, method acting. Best Actor and the nominees are: Bradley Cooper, Daniel Day-Lewis, Hugh Jackman, Joaquin Phoenix, and Denzel Washington. And the winner is…Daniel Day-Lewis. Not a surprise. That guy goes so far into his role that he…he’s basically a chameleon in all the best ways. And he’s definitely just an ACTOR. Not someone who publicizes himself. But he does deadpan funny really well. I really like him.

10:51: Here we go. Big time. JACK NICHOLSON. Oh goddamnit. The fucking First Lady? Really? Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. They would never have done this with ANY other First Lady and she’s no fucking better. This actually upsets me. Keep entertainment and politics separate. Just shut the fuck up already. Best Picture and the nominees are: Amour, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Good on Ben Affleck and the entire cast on crew. It just got a little ruined letting the fucking First Lady announce it. God damn. At least the guy in the middle got a nice good laugh. He’s a pretty confident guy. I like him. Affleck is pretty manic right now. I’m thinking part nerves and part cocaine. Maybe 2/3 cocaine.

11:00: Ready for a proper goodnight and it was a decent show. Daniel Day-Lewis won the night by being freaking charming. The night was really spoiled by the First Lady. And of course it’s a singing closer with MacFarlane and Chenowith. I gotta give it to him. Seth MacFarlane did a pretty capable job. Certainly better than James fucking Franco.

Anyways, thanks for reading. We promise that something funnier will be coming up next! Time to drink more!

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