The Worst Online Dating Ad In The History of Dating

Posted: January 31, 2013 by kaostheory in Rants
Tags: , , ,

While we have covered the nightmarish morass known as online dating before, it appears that many have not understood the depths of insanity that it can provide. It seems that some of you do not truly grasp how depraved, soulless, and Lovecraftian it can be. Thus, we have resolved ourselves to creating out of the swirling blackness an example so dark, so evil, so terrifying…that it can only serve to illuminate the horror that is online dating. A word of warning, if we may. This projection is (God willing) not real, but it shall be constructed so that it appears as such. If you are offended by such a frank portrayal of madness, be warned. If you are offended by many of the stereotypes presented therein…go fuck yourself with a splintery Louisville Slugger. Thank you. We begin anon.
——
xxxSeXXXiiBaBiii6969xxx

(insert picture of the most grotesque figure of ostensible womanhood your fevered mind can dredge up)

Yo., my name iZ jANNAlynne an i m 24 yrs yung and herrs a lil bout me, tha sexxxist bitch on tha whole dam block!!!!!!

i m righit now livin wit my ma and gma bcuz my exhusband is an ASSHOLE WHO CANT HANDLE A WOMMAN!!!

im goin thru a divroce right now bcuz my ASSHOLE ex beat me up alot and tried to kill me in June
he lockd me in a fridgerator and set it on fire but i made it thru with Gods grace and a halffull jar of mayo!!!

i got 4 kids who r my everything, they r my whole life n my world and you had better handle it
theyre names r Caidyn whose 7, Lexxxuss whose 5, T’Qua’Sia whose 4, an Joseph whos my pride n joy and is 2
funny story! Joseph won stop breastfeedin! he keeps pullin on ma tittles and tryin to get other girls titties too even tho i tell him that hes a bad boy for doing it but i cant stay mad athim becuase he is my pride an joy!!!!

fair warninr ! i m an pre op transexual so if u cant handle that, fuk right off!!! i havent felt lik a womman since i wuz a lil gurl so now that i got $$$$ comin in fromy my ASSSSSSHOLE ex for child support (only 2 are his LOL!!!) i kan finally be who i need 2 be!!!

im also tryin to lose 100 pounds bcuz i feel lik im 2 fat rite now an that the doctors tol me i hafta lose 100 pds bcuz they need ta oprate on me LOL!!!!

i m working on GED 2 bcuz i need 2 b educate 4 mi kids! kant let them grow up wit theyre mommy bein a MCD’s frier all theyre lives LOL LOL!!!
bcuz of that i also hat bad grammer n misspelld words bug me alot 2! u kan lern 2 typ rite if u tri!

4 stuff i lik 2 red, well i don lik 2 red it iz a waist of mi time! but the onlee things i DO read and luv SOOOOO much r Twilight an 50 Shads of Gray!!! edward an Christan are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot!!! y cant more men b lik them?! m i rite girls?!!!!???!?!? lol

i luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvvvvv Jersey Shore n Real Housewives tho! i luv seein the girls be so bad bitchez bcuz i m a bad bitch an can totally feel that!!!

wen will i find mi prince charming? i think bout dat all da time an how i kan find luve 4 him an how much i ned a daddy 4 mi kidz

i m a heavy smoker n i don care bout quittin it calms mi hert down and makes me feel guuuuuuuuuuud! LOL!!! alsao i m a pot smoker so if u dont lik dat den u r not tha man 4 me!!!

i love sex an luv doin sex wit guyz but i m not here 4 sex so dont message me if you want sex – thats disgusting

i m lookin for a man to do things my way. i m too indepdendent an opininated 2 jus go wit da flow so boyz u betta b ready 4 me LOL!!!!

i m a bad bitch so watch out wen u make me angry, i hold a grudge and kan yell alot so if u make me mad u better bring flowers LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

country gurl and muddin’ r sum words dat describ me – i luv bein in da cuntry an gettin dirty (if u no wut i mean ;););););))

first thing people noticed bout me is my hair extensions bcuz they r so pretty an look so real! den dey move 2 my beautiful ass and titties bcuz dey r beautiful! LOL! i m gnna miss my titties an all da free drinks!!! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

as far as religion goes, i m a atheist polytheist anarchocommunist Muslim i dont expect u 2 understand but u betta b respecful since its what i blieve!!!

ive been a freerange organic vegan for 4 years and my man better share that belief bcuz im raisin mi kids dat way 2 and i don want any meet in da house EVA!

i dont know why im here bcuz all men are ASSSSSSSSHOLES! an dey only wan 1 thing and that is sex and den they leav an u neva see them again

i like sniffing things to see if they smell like other things i kno its gross LOL!
i also lik 2 b bitten durin sex bcuz it makes me feel lik EDWARD is there wit me!!!

READ THIS SO U UNDERSTAN WHAT U R DEALIN WIT!!!!! IF U DON HAVE A JOB DAT PAYS BIIIIIIIIIGGGGGG $$$$$$$$$$$ AN U DONT LOOK FINE AS ALL HELL AND U GOT KIDS, STAY THA FUCK AWAY!!!! I AINT WANTIN TO PLAY WITH YOUR BROKE ASS!!!!

i hop u saw somethin u liked! hit me up an may-b u r mi next husband! 😉 😉 😉
——
That…I think my brain is actually bleeding. I feel moisture in my ears. There is a throbbing dead spot behind my eyes.

(You’ll get no arguments here. That was an abomination, you fucking animal. – ed.)

I’m going to go…do something else now. Something that doesn’t make me want to set fire to the rain and watch the whole world go up in a billowing flame heap.

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