Archive for May, 2012

A Blast From The Past: The Negotiation

Posted: May 31, 2012 by kaostheory in Interview
Tags: , , ,

The creative well has run a bit dry, as it were, right now…so as a special treat, we’ve decided to show you a piece from way back before Dan Eats Cat Food was even a twinkle in KT’s eye and brain.

Back in around 2007 or so, Raybestos and KaosTheory decided to write a series of quick sketches to compile into a full-length play. After some discussions, they do so…to interesting effect. A couple pieces of one of the sketches is in fact being incorporated into a different writing piece by KT. The solely KT-written piece is not going to see the light of day because it’s too over the line, even for this site. Well…maybe not but it’s certainly not as witty as it should. And the solely Raybestos-written piece is something that, if he wants it to go up, he’ll have to post it himself.

However, there is one of the sketches – actually the strongest sketch – that is perfect for a day like today where no amount of drinking is able to mask some withdrawal symptoms (of what, don’t ask…nosey bastards). Thus, we proudly (fine, not proudly but…) present to you for your viewing, remaining completely (okay mostly but not entirely) unedited content-wise…The Negotiation.

Oh, also remember that it was written to be performed so the stage directions and things will be there. We’ll make sure that we bold the characters’ names for you for convenience’s sake. Enjoy.

(lights up on WILL and BOSS – they are sitting at a desk, chatting)

Boss: Alright, Will. Let’s get down to business. What can you offer me that AT&T can’t?

Will: We’re prepared to offer you zero interest and five point nine percent APR for the next five years.

Boss: I’m not sure I can do that. AT&T gave us five point five AND an opt-out at any point. They seem to be more willing to deal. I’m sorry. I’ll have to take theirs.

Will: Whoa whoa whoa, don’t be so hasty. I’m prepared to give you the first three months free. And, you see that five point nine? Poof. It’s five point seven. Eh, eh?

Boss: You make it five five, we can call it a deal.

Will: Five point six five.

Boss: Five point five five.

Will: Five point five eight.

Boss: Five point five six.

Will: Deal.

Boss: Good man.

(they shake hands)

Boss: Is there anything else I can do for you?

Will: Well, now that you mention it…I’m gonna need you to validate my parking…

Boss: My secretary will take care of that.

Will: That’s the other thing. I’m gonna need ten minutes alone with your secretary. Preferably in an office, but a storage closet will do. I’m not picky.

Boss: Excuse me?

Will: I said, I’m going to need ten minutes with your secretary where we will not be disturbed. You see, I plan to…

Boss: No, no. That’s…that’s not happening. That’s my DAUGHTER.

Will: I did not know that. I am going to need twenty minutes alone…with your daughter. Who is your secretary. I plan to…

Boss: What? NO! No no no no no. That’s…no. Not happening. Not gonna happen. I’m sorry, but no.

Will: What seems to be the problem?

Boss: The…what? You don’t know? You don’t see a problem with this?

Will: I’m just trying to do business.

Boss: I bet you are but that’s not happening. No. Unacceptable.

Will: Please sir. Help me understand. Why is this unacceptable?

Boss: Because she’s my DAUGHTER. And my employee! And she’s underage.

Will: I was unaware of this as well. I now require thirty minutes alone with your underage secretary daughter. And a lookout in case security comes to check out the noise. You see, I plan to…

Boss: What? No! No! You don’t seem to understand. She is not legal. She is seventeen and unable to under law have sex.

Will: (pause) Heh. Okay.

Boss: Excuse me?

Will: First off, in this state, the legal age is technically sixteen, just FYI. I should know. I checked. Secondly, I doubt that she hasn’t been playing rainbow games at high school parties. I know that I did. And thirdly, if she didn’t want the high, hard one, she shouldn’t dress like a Catholic pornstar.

Boss: That is her SCHOOL UNIFORM. She comes straight here from school. How dare you?

Will: Look, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot…

Boss: I’d say so, yes.

Will: Let’s just back it up, cool down a little bit. What do I have to do to put me in your daughter?

Boss: Nothing! It’s not happening!

Will: You mean, you’re concerned about protection. I gotcha. I got a kid of my own. I’ll wear a condom if that’s your thing. I’ll even double-wrap, just for you. It won’t cause any problems that wouldn’t have been there already.

Boss: But…that’s…that’s not the point.

Will: Ah, so I can bare-back it. Fan-tastic.

Boss: Wait, no, I wasn’t saying that!

Will: Now I’m getting mixed messages. Answer this: do I or do I NOT have to wear a condom when I have sex with your daughter?

Boss: I…but…you…

Will: Okay, look, in fairness, I’ll make you a trade. YOU can have sex…with MY daughter.

Boss: I’m…I don’t want to have sex with your daughter. How old is she?

Will: I’d prefer not to say. But…young. How about it?

Boss: What? NO! I’m not a pedophile!

Will: I was mistaken. I apologize.

Boss: Excuse me?

Will: Never mind. Look, I’m willing to barter the contents of my wallet for the privilege of boning your daughter. That is more than fair.

Boss: Are you calling my daughter a whore?

Will: Not as such, no.

Boss: Not as such? What the hell does that mean?

Will: I mean, if it’s a question of money…

Boss: It’s not!

Will: There is an ATM…downstairs…that I can go to and clear out my expense account for this trip. I was just going to embezzle it and spend it on blow and hookers, but this seems like a more worthy investment.

Boss: It…it is but wait, wait, that’s not what I meant…no…you…you can’t have sex with my daughter. It can’t happen.

Will: Why can it not? It seems straightforward to me. I know the ropes. I promise.

Boss: It’s not a matter of that. It’s…look, she’s all I have left of my wife. She left me a few years ago for her gynecologist Val or something. Val…is not a man’s name.

Will: My condolences. I do not wish to take your daughter from you. I only wish to rent her for forty-five minutes.

Boss: That’s not the point! And forty-five? I thought it was a half-hour.

Will: It was. Commodities fluctuate with the market.

Boss: What market?

Will: While we took that break around noon, I took a picture of your daughter with my camera phone and sent it to the higher-ups in my company. Every executive officer is willing to negotiate with you. I simply got here first. You’re sitting on a goldmine.

Boss: I’m not going to accept pay for sex with my daughter!

Will: Perhaps I misstated. I am not willing to pay YOU to have sex with your daughter. I am willing to pay you for ME to have sex with your daughter. For money. For an hour.

Boss: I…I can’t in good conscience accept money for my daughter. But just for curiosity’s sake, how much are we talking?

Will: Well, let me show you.

(slides a piece of paper across the table)

Boss: Wow…that’s…a lot of zeros.

Will: I am prepared to add two more zeros to that number.

Boss: That’s a lot of money.

Will: Supply and demand my friend. I will even match AT&Ts offer plus what we’ve agreed upon. Because I like you. And very much like your daughter.

Boss: I do have bills.

Will: Indeed. So do we all. So do we have a deal?

Boss: I…I don’t think…

Will: Okay look. I will give you that number, the contents of my wallet, the AT&T deal, and will use protection. That’s a better deal than you’re gonna get anywhere else, I promise you. I’ve price-checked.

Boss: And if you get her pregnant?

Will: I will never contact her again.

Boss: That seems more than fair. Alright. We have a deal.

Will: I’ll have her back to you in the morning.

Boss: And since you’ve been such a good sport with this negotiation, if you’re not satisfied with my daughter, you can bring her back any time today and exchange her for something of equal or lesser value. Like my ex-wife.

Both: (laugh)
As always, Dan Eats Cat Food does not condone paying for sex, underage or not. If you can’t get it on your own merits, you don’t deserve it.

(That’s kind of dark. – ed.)

It happens.