Archive for February, 2012

Dan Eats Cat Food Blogs The Oscars 2012

Posted: February 26, 2012 by kaostheory in Awards
Tags: , , ,

As always, Dan Eats Cat Food is here to watch the Oscars with all of you lovely people, complete with cursing, anger, incredibly inappropriate sexual commentary, and irreverence. Obligatory drink in hand, of course. God bless being a faceless Internet writer. Without any further ado, let’s do this. Oh, and for the record, the order and categories and names were filled in beforehand because in 2011, my hands nearly exploded trying to write constantly for like four hours. Okay, now let’s do this.
7:06: On the red carpet. I mean, I’m not but the Oscars coverage is. Robin Roberts is still annoying.

7:07: Fuck The Hunger Games. It’s like Twilight Version 2.0. Chick crap.

7:10: I hate George Clooney. Stacy Kiebler. God. Just…my brother and I have almost come to blows before. That’s all I’ll say.

7:12: You can almost SEE Tim Gunn restraining himself from attacking Brad Pitt. Not in a violent way. And the screen switches to Sandra Bullock. It’s interesting. She’s in a blouse and pants, not the gown. It’s not a bad look, to be honest. And she’s going for ‘sexy times’ and succeeding.

7:14: I don’t know who this Nina is but she sounds like she’s on a shitload of Valium. Or is retarded. Or maybe both.

7:16: I’ve said it already but Robin Roberts is so damn annoying. She was annoying when she covered sports too. Like a steel wool scrubber to the eardrums.

7:18: John Carter looks badass. Actually, on a tangent, the advertisement for Coriolanus made my testosterone gland about explode when I watched it earlier. Shakespeare, modern day adaptation, Gerard Butler, and Ralph Fiennes. Hell to the yes.

7:20: Natalie Portman. Good Lord. And in red so…points. More points. All the points.

7:21: Tom Hanks rocking the goatee! It looks good. And ha! The ‘savage horde’. Priceless.

7:23: Brian Grazer always looks like he stuck his tongue into a electrical socket. His hair is just so spiky!

7:24: This man, Don Mischer, is going to have a heart attack by the end of the show from stress. I can tell. And Chris Rock has a little fro going on. Not the best look.

7:30: Time to rock and roll! This should be an interesting show for sure. And Morgan Freeman to start us off. I like that choice. Classy and to the point.

7:31: Hahaha. Billy in a “silent movie”. And then The Descendents with the Clooney kiss. And now Moneyball and Midnight in Paris with a really really weird scene with Bieber. I’ve kinda lost track by now. But hey, Tom Cruise and Mission Impossible!

7:35: Billy Crystal with a Tintin haircut is the creepiest damn thing ever.

7:36: And here’s the man himself! Class all the way. I’m maybe a little biased though, haha. After Hathaway and Stoner from last year, a corpse would be more entertaining. But nine times hosting is nothing to sneeze at!

7:37: HUGE burn on the industry with the joke about the economy and millionaires with gold statues. And now his medley. Fantastic. These are always absolutely incredible. He knocks it out of the park every single time.

7:42: Time for Tom Hanks presenting the first award. Wow. Shoutout to the seat filler! 59 years is fantastic. The first one up is Cinematography. And the nominees are: The Artist, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hugo, The Tree of Life, and War Horse. And the winner is: Hugo! That’s an interesting start. The dude that won looks kind of like Sam Elliot or Robert Plant. Kind of awesome.

7:44: The next one we have up is Art Direction. And the nominees are: The Artist, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, and War Horse. And the winner is: Hugo. That’s the second one for them. That’s clearly the one to beat. Hah. Seriously, though, good for them. I don’t who the chick is in silver but she doesn’t look too bad for her age. At least not in the body. The fact is kind of a mess and a half.

7:46: Alright what do we have now? Oh. It’s commercial time. That works! Less heat on my crotch. And I am so so glad that I went through and did the names and categories early. It saves me so much time in the typing now. I haven’t been nearly inappropriate enough tonight though. I need to get on that. And on Ellie Kemper. (Okay, so I was watching the red carpet earlier and she was in the rust-colored dress. Yes, I remember that. No, I’m not proud.)

7:50: HAH. Joke about movie theater sex. And into a tribute for movies. Wait wait. Princess Bride, Amelie, Ghost, Star Wars, and fucking TWILIGHT in the same damn reel? ARE YOU RETARDED? That is absolutely abhorrent. Ending with When Harry Met Sally was a nice touch though.

7:53: Cameron Diaz and J-Lo up now. J-Lo is looking BANGING. Wow. Cleavage central. Now up is Costume Design. And the nominees are: Anonymous, The Artist, Hugo, Jane Eyre, and W.E.. And the winner is: The Artist. That was a good choice. There were some slick-looking outfits from what I could see. Weird fact: the Oscar isn’t the bright gold like it usually is. Does anyone know why?

7:56: And moving right on into Makeup. And the nominees are: Albert Nobbs, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, and The Iron Lady. And the winner is: The Iron Lady. Wow. I’m actually kind of surprised on that one. I would have thought Albert Nobbs would have nailed it. Ah well. I’ll give J-Lo my Albert Nobb any day. Yeah. I said it.

7:59: They must really be focusing on the experience of movies and movie-going this year. Interesting. It’s kind of cool to realize that actors and actresses have the same connection to movies that we normal people do too.

8:02: Commercial time again. That’s alright. They’re making more manageable chunks this year, it feels like.

8:04: One of those stinger teasers for the Oscars by ABC. Tricky bastards. Making us unmute it for no damn good reason.

8:05: Who do we have up now? Oh yeah, Sandra is back. I’m almost positive that this winner is going to be A Separation. But Sandra just NAILED German. Well done! The category up now: Foreign Language Film. And the nominees are: Bullhead, Footnote, In Darkness, Monsieur Lazhar, and A Separation. And the winner is: A Separation. Knew it. But it’s hard to think otherwise when that one actually was nominated for another Oscar as well. It’s kind of a gimmie, you know? I’m not really sure what he’s saying but good on him.

8:09: Bringing on Christian Bale with a joke about his blowup. Very nice. AND the Batman music. Fantastic! This one is going to Octavia Spencer. Almost positive. I would love to see it go to Berenice Bejo. Because she’s absolutely stunning. One of the prettiest actresses I’ve ever seen. The category is: Supporting Actress. And the nominees are: Bérénice Bejo, Jessica Chastain, Melissa McCarthy, Janet McTeer, and Octavia Spencer. And the winner is: Octavia Spencer. Knew it! Good on her though. Here comes the crying though.

8:14: Commercial time again! They really are going quickly tonight.

8:18: Focus groups stuff? Interesting…HAH. Eugene Levy. Love him. And Fred Willard. Hahaha. This is hysterical. I’m dying. It’s the whole group with Christopher Guest. Amazing.

8:22: Tiny Fey and Bradley Cooper. One of my mancrushes. Not ashamed. And now to Editing. And the nominees are: The Artist, The Descendants, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hugo, and Moneyball. And the winner is: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Wow. Definitely was not expecting that one. But this team has won two years in a row. Wow. That’s a really good editing team. Repeating is incredibly tough to do.

8:25: Moving quick tonight. Sheesh. And now up to Sound Editing. And the nominees are: Drive, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hugo, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and War Horse. And the winner is: Hugo. That’s the third for the movie tonight. It’s cleaning up for sure right now. And a really bad pun on ‘Hugo’ but it was kind of charming. The second guy covered everyone. Literally everyone.

8:27: And right along again! The category is Sound Mixing. And the nominees are: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hugo, Moneyball ,Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and War Horse. And the winner is: Hugo again. That makes four. Marty’s touch wins all, apparently! This first guy is tall but he’s about to break down. The second, in contrast, is totally straightfaced. Hahaha.

8:29: Commercial time again. Good. Those were fast categories so I had to type and shift very quickly. Fingertips ablaze with the keeping up! BLAZING. I’m sorry this hasn’t been totally funny yet. It’s been pretty lowkey for a show, actually. I’m surprised.

8:34: Yay! Muppets! These are never not wonderful. Nobody hates the Muppets. And now we got Cirque du Soleil. With Danny Elfman. This will be crazy.

8:35: Yep. Just like I expected.

8:37: She just stood on his head. ON his HEAD.

8:38: That was crazy. And kind of awesome, not even going to lie. Well done. That shit has got to just tear your body up.

8:39: I didn’t know that Christopher Plummer was 82! Wow. He doesn’t look it.

8:40: Gwyneth and Robert! Love RDJ. What will he do this year? Well…Tebow for one. I love him. He’s hilarious. And the category is: Documentary Feature. And the nominees are: Hell and Back Again, If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front, Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory, Pina, and Undefeated. And the winner is: Undefeated. Wow. I can hear every sports fan in the country orgasm themselves simultaneously. Oh, and P.Diddy, who just likes spraying his piss over the white race. And that is why there’s a five-second delay!

8:44: Bringing on Chris Rock now. Gotta love that racial ‘humor’. Hilarious. Oh wait. No, it’s dogshit. And now trashing on animation. Class act. Now it’s Animated Feature. And the nominees are: A Cat in Paris, Chico & Rita, Kung Fu Panda 2, Puss in Boots, and Rango. And the winner is: Rango. Huh. That’s not quite what I was expecting. That was basically pushing the lengths of how long you can last being eligible for an Oscar. Ah well. Good on them.

8:48: Commercial again. They’re really milking the broadcast time, I think.

8:51: Hah. Melissa McCarthy.

8:52: Ben Stiller and Emma Stone up now. She is looking smoking in the red dress. She is a tall girl. But Ben is a small dude too. She’s adorable. Wow. Great banter though! The category is: Visual Effects. And the nominees are: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, Hugo, Real Steel, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. And the winner is: Hugo. I actually guessed that one. It looked really pretty every time I’ve seen anything about it.

8:57: Bringing on Melissa Leo to present Supporting Actor. She has a pretty badly scripted speech. And the nominees are: Kenneth Branagh, Jonah Hill, Nick Nolte, Christopher Plummer, and Max von Sydow. And the winner is: Christopher Plummer. Wow. He’s the oldest actor to ever win an Oscar. That’s crazy. 82 years old. Good on him. Classic old actor.

9:03: Commercial again. The music is actually pretty cool tonight. They’re doing well. It’s been tight and classy. I don’t even have a dirty joke there, although I really should.

9:06: What? Were you actually expecting me to come in a couple minutes later with a joke? I’m insulted that you think I would go for such easy, low-hanging fruit like that. I have more dignity than that.

9:08: Oh boy. What they’re thinking. This should be hilarious. He’s going all in at everyone. Amazing. Especially on the dog.

9:10: Just the thank you from the Academy. It was short and sweet though, so good for him. And then Billy takes it right back. Can we just make him permanent host now?

9:11: Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson. What a strange pairing of people. Now we have Original Score. You can always tell the John Williams sound. And the nominees are: The Adventures of Tintin, The Artist, Hugo, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and War Horse. And the winner is: The Artist. The music sounded good. And the dude didn’t even have formal training. Good on him. Seriously. I’m impressed by that. And his wife held it together until he mentioned her.

9:15: Will and Zach. Oh my Lord. This will be insane. Giant cymbals is a really good start, hahah. Now we have Original Song. And the nominees are: ‘Man or Muppet’ from The Muppets and ‘Real in Rio’ from Rio. And the winner is: ‘Man or Muppet’. I mean, how can you vote against the Muppets? You can’t. You can’t unless you’re a communist.

9:19: This is…strange. Handing out the little popcorn? I don’t get the point behind that. Weird. I’d rather take one of those usher girls in light blue, personally. And now commercial time again.

9:23: Hahah. Billy fumbled it but recovered nicely. Angelina Jolie is up and about and gorgeous as always. Look at that leg. My balls just blew up. Just like little cherry bombs. First up we have Adapted Screenplay. And the nominees are: The Descendants, Hugo, The Ides of March, Moneyball , and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. And the winner is: The Descendents. Interesting. At least it’s not freaking Aaron Sorkin though. He was a douchebag last year with his win so…good for these guys. They seem pretty cool. And one of them was in Beerfest! Holy crap! That makes it ten times better.

9:28: And now moving right into Original Screenplay. And the nominees are: The Artist, Bridesmaids, Margin Call, Midnight in Paris, and A Separation. And the winner is: Midnight in Paris. I figured that he would get it. But he’s not here tonight. Wow. Can’t even show up for a potential win? Kind of a jerk move, I think.

9:30: Ah Werner Herzog. What a crazy, crazy, brilliant man. And Don Rickles is still alive and kicking and looking pretty good for his age, actually! And now commercial time.

9:36: That was a longer break. And now Milla Jovovich who is looking absolutely gorgeous. Goodness. She’s almost hotter now than she was as Leeloo. Almost. She’s presenting for visual effects and technology stuff. That’s awesome.

9:38: Bringing out the group of the Bridesmaids. Ellie Kemper. Guh. Just pretty. And now we have to deal with some one-note actresses (Wiig, cough cough). And penis jokes. I’m grinning, not going to lie. Despite myself. First up, Live Action Short. And the nominees are: Pentecost, Raju , The Shore, Time Freak, and Tuba Atlantic. And the winner is: The Shore. I know nothing about any of these so I’ll say that they were the best? I guess? Northern Irish though. Pretty sweet. What a proud mama in the crowd.

9:41: On to Documentary Short. The Scorcese drink was funny though. And the nominees are: The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement, God Is the Bigger Elvis, Incident in New Baghdad, Saving Face, and The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom. And the winner is: Saving Face. That makes sense. That one looked really rough, just from the five seconds they showed for the preview of it. “More important” that the Pakistani speak? That is kind of…eh. Good for the surgeons who are doing good though.

9:43: Finally in this one, Animated Short. And the nominees are: Sunday, The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore, La Luna, A Morning Stroll, and Wild Life. And the winner is: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore. Of course they picked the one film that took the LONGEST to type. I’ll say it again: I’m a freaking genius for typing this stuff out ahead of time instead of having to scramble to make up for it. Nice hat though. Gotta love a jaunty hat.

9:46: Break before they move on to the heavy hitter awards. I’m in the unenviable position of having my feet like ice cubes and my crotch like the surface of the sun. Seriously, my sperm are probably dying.

9:50: Michael Douglas is up, complete with Occupy Wall Street joke (by Billy). Time to roll with Best Director. There are some really big names in this category. I mean, Woody, Marty…Malick who did that crap film Thin Red Line? Big names. And the nominees are: Woody Allen, Michel Hazanavicius, Terrence Malick, Alexander Payne, and Martin Scorsese. And the winner is: Michel Hazanavicius. That’s great for him, but that also means that The Artist probably won’t win the Best Picture. Probably. But I could also definitely be wrong here. There’s buzz around a ton. Thanking the dog is a great move though!

9:55: Meryl Streep is coming up. 16 times nominated. That’s absolutely incredible. What an absolute legend in the business. She’s up to talk about the Governor’s Awards. They were about Oprah, James Earl Jones, and Dick Smith. James is just a stud. One of the most iconic voices there is. What a classy group there.

9:58: Break time. We’re in the home stretch. Place your bets now for who gets the last position in the remembrance section. If it’s Whitney Houston even though she only had one film, I’m going to be upset. Does she deserve a slot? Sure. The last position? I don’t think so.

10:03: Time for In Memoriam. First up we have…Laura Ziskin and Gil Cates. Oscar producers. Wow. First other one up is Jane Russell. Whitney isn’t the last one, thank goodness. Who is though? Elizabeth Taylor. That’s fitting. Great song, great singer, great memorial. And they didn’t go away from the screen either.

10:08: Commercial. Such a weird silence after stuff like that. No matter who you are or who you’re with. It’s weird. Death makes awkwardness for us all.

10:10: You know, this really isn’t making me want to watch something with Ashley Judd more. I loved her in Bug but that was about it. Plus she’s a Kentucky fan which…that’s kind of depressing. You can’t support the Wildcats any more than you can support Duke.

10:12: Billy tried not to crack after the joke he made but he just couldn’t hold it. Hah. Bringing on Natalie Portman. Be still my uncomfortably warm testicles. Now we have Best Actor. The fact that Gary Oldman has only this as a nomination for Oscar is a travesty. He’s the freakin’ man. And the nominees are: Demián Bichir, George Clooney, Jean Dujardin, Gary Oldman, and Brad Pitt. And the winner is: Jean Dujardin. That was another gimmie but he was apparently brilliant in it. I really need to see the movie. And the Funny or Die sketch he was in is absolutely incredible.

10:21: Break time. We have one more of these. Know what’s even more impressive than all of this? I’ve only taken ONE pee break. Yes, Mr. Tiny-ass Bladder has only had to take a leak once and that’s because of the drink I had. Which I want another of because, seriously, my lap is like so hot, you can’t even realize.

10:23: Hilarious joke about the French. Bring on Colin Firth. Love this dude. He is like the absolute mold for British charm and wit. The category now is Best Actress. And the nominees are: Glenn Close, Viola Davis, Rooney Mara, Meryl Streep, and Michelle Williams. And the winner is: Meryl Streep. WOW. That is a massive upset. Almost everyone was saying Viola Davis. I was typing it out before it was announced. I’m kind of shocked. She deserves it I’m sure but wow. Good on her. Great speech and she thanked her husband first which is awesome.

10:32: Tom Cruise is up to announce. No fuss, no muss. Here we go with Best Picture. And the nominees are: The Artist, The Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, and War Horse. And the winner is: The Artist. Good for them. I really need to see that movie now. And they brought Uggie on-stage which is amazing. Gotta love the dogs. This is one little dude though. Very short. But apparently a great producer!

10:38: And that’s that! Quite a good show, actually. Much better than last year’s. I apologize for not having the amount of vulgarity and sex jokes as usual. I just didn’t have the chance! It was fast and well-run and moved at a very nice pace. Congrats to all the winners and we’ll catch you next article.

Oh fine. Balls. Okay, I want 3400 words. Um. Balls.

An Experiment Gone Awry

Posted: February 15, 2012 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , ,

By now, I’m sure you all have heard about or read about or sensed coming out of the dark aether that lies between this world and that of the nether realms the existence of Jack in the Box’s new “delicacy” (read: affront to God, man, and the natural order of things) – their bacon milkshake. Yes, you read that right. A milkshake, also known as ‘What the hell, give me Type 2 Diabetes already’ In A Cup, with what I can only assume to be either hard, salty chunks of fried pig or, worse, pork drippin’s mixed in with the vanilla or, God forbid, chocolate or strawberry ice cream. While the potential to create a geek nexus around it by marketing it with zombies emblazoned on the cups and ‘gamer girls’ awkwardly fiddling with Xbox 360 controllers in commercials is yet to be untapped, the fact is that this abomination does actually exist.

But what is one to do if there is no Jack in the Box nearby that does not exist in the heart of the ghetto (or barrio or whatever unsafe area exists in your town)? Or if the prospect of actually paying a restaurant for them to kill you sounds like a sick German fetish rather than indulging in an ostensible “drink”?

It’s a very simple solution: create your own.

Well, simple in theory. In actuality, it is about as big a clusterfuck as a men’s rugby team playing tennis against a women’s volleyball team. Blindfolded. And naked. With a bowling ball.

We attempted just such a “simple” activity a couple days ago when we were bored and apparently wanted to experience what true despair and frustration feels like…without masturbating. For once. What follows are the (abortive) attempts that we made at creating our own version of this helltreat. Enjoy.

Attempt #1: This should be pretty easy. I don’t see why we’re making such a fuss about this. Just some vanilla bean ice cream, milk, a rasher of bacon…simple. Put all of that in a blender and hit ‘puree’. Easy.

Result #1: Forgot. The fucking. Lid. This is an ominous portent. It’s probably for the best anyway. I mean, not for the kitchen. The cabinets just got a nice coat of “sticky cream and raw bacon”. That’s going to be a bastard to clean up. No, it’s for the best for, you know, our bodies. Also, cook the goddamn bacon before putting it in the shake. Come on. That’s bush league.

Attempt #2: Okay. Materials? Check. Bacon COOKED? Check and check. Maybe a little too crispy. Should be okay though. Everyone loves crispy bacon. Well, except for vegans but the day I give a crap about how crispy they like their bacon, I’ll french kiss a live outlet. Where was I? Oh yeah. Blender? Filled to the brim with stuff so that works. LID? Triple damn check. Okay. Let’s do this again.

Result #2: Um…unappetizing is a good word to describe this try. We clearly used too little ice cream or too much milk and probably too much bacon because it looks like a porn star’s dick exploded in this thing. It’s just kind of this watery, chunky mix. Pass.

Attempt #3: This is a little disheartening, but nothing delicious was ever easy. Well…except in a couple cases. Regardless, we soldier on. Less milk, more ice cream, less bacon, and let’s throw some damn butter in with it to try to thicken it up some.

Result #3: Well, there are good and bad aspects of it. The good is that the thickness is about what we want in a milkshake. The bad is that everything else is not. The butter added a weird yellow tint to it and didn’t break up too well (probably should have unfrozen it first) so there are butter chunks floating next to bacon chunks and, really, whichever you bite into isn’t going to make your mouth happy. This is starting to blow.

Attempt #4: Okay. Gonna try something different with this. I’m going to take a shot of tequila and then a second shot of tequila and then we’re going to take the butter out and try cream cheese. Why cream cheese? Because who fucking cares by this point? Maybe it’ll be good!

Result #4: Cream cheese was a poor choice. I think we’re getting further away from the ultimate goal here. Time to reduce.

Attempt #5: Two more shots of tequila down the hatch. The edges of my eyes are a little fuzzy. Rad. Milk, vanilla bean ice cream, cooked bacon chunks. Let’s do it.

Result #5: PIECE OF SHIT LID. I’m not cleaning this shit sober again.

Attempt #6: Two more tequilas. Tequila. Ta-key-lah. That would be a pretty name for a baby. Oh, right. Some sort of milkshake. Milk, ice, cream, bacon. Easy. Just push play.

Result #6: …that was like a bacon margarita except violence in the mouth instead of liquor. Who’s the asshole that put ice and cream so close together? I thought they had a comma. I guess not.

Attempt #7: Hadda drink a beer to get that taste outta my mouth. Does your face feel hot? My face feels hot. Just like my DICK. Ho ho ho, bitches. What? What do you mean I’ve had enough? You’re an enough! Let’s blend some shit already!

Result #7: WELL! That’s what happens when you let a drunk guy handle appliances. Someone is going to get creamy stuff all over because he forgets to put the lid on again.

Final Attempt: Okay. That looks good. That looks like the right amounts. Can I press the button? No? Okay. You do it.

Final Result: Huh. That’s it? I guess you want me to review it? Fine. *ahem* It tastes like a stupid vanilla milkshake except for when you get a chunk of bacon. Then it tastes like a salty vanilla nightmare. Happy?
In conclusion, the fact that the bacon milkshake actually exists is a stain upon the good name of American production everywhere. That it is actually being sold and marketed by a company is a shameful result of not using that hot blonde woman in their ads anymore. For shame, Jack in the Box.

Wait, Double Downs still exist?

…shit, count me in then.