Archive for January, 2012

States Are Sluts

Posted: January 30, 2012 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , ,

We all have different talents. Some people can paint beautiful pictures of magnificent landscapes or life-like reproductions of historical figures. Some can orate with a flair and command of the pulpit or podium on a level akin to that which existed in ancient Greece or Rome. Some can weave magic with their guitars or violins or trumpets or voices. As for me?

I can sexualize most anything. I’m so proud.

Yes, readers. I am able to make nearly anything perverted, as you can clearly see through, well, the entirety of the archive of this website, really. That was a LOT of commas in a row. Wow. Anyways.

This particular perversion of things that really should not be stems from, in fact, a fortuitous conversation online with Misspearlnecklace. The exact sequence of events leading to such a conversation is better left to the scholars (mainly because I can’t be arsed to go back and dive into the incredibly deep waters of our AIM history). However, at some point, she offered up a simple confused statement that changed the course of the entire discussion:

“Wait what the heck, Kansas touches Tennessee!”

And thus, the game was off.

Before we begin…for your convenience, a map of the United States (courtesy of Google Image search).

You will never unsee this now

We're Sorry Already

My response to MPN: “Yeah. Just a little. Inappropriately. Just enough to give Tennessee the creeps. Kansas is a pervert. Damn it. Now I’m seeing Kansas on the map of the US with a porno ‘stache and aviators. (Maybe touching itself in the passenger seat of its car as it waits outside of Tennessee‘s house for it to get home from school, hair tied up with orange and blue ribbons. Okay, I think I just went past the joke and we’re all the worse off for it. No, I’m not happy with it. No, I’m not getting rid of it. What’s done is done and is exceedingly uncomfortable. Also, this aside was not in the actual conversation. Thank God.)

And what? No, Kansas does not touch Tennessee! Kansas is one of the few states that does NOT touch Tennessee apparently. Looks like Tennessee is smack-dab in the middle of a Southern state gangbang. (Mississippi, Alabama, North Carolina, and Kentucky get the most action).

Oh Tennessee.

What a slut.

(Riotous laughter ensues from the other side of the computer, I am told. I like to create those moments of abject shock and humor.)

And then? The list. Some from conversation, some from the now.

South Carolina doesn’t get in on the Tennessee fucking action. It just stands to the side and watches and masturbates. While Georgia takes it from below, of course.

Missouri only barely gets its junk touched, although it and Arkansas do get a DP BJ so…it’s not all bad. Except for the part where they “touch”. That’s never not weird or so I am told.

Alaska and Hawaii are the two loners that don’t get invited to the party, so they get high in Alaska‘s dorm room and awkwardly grope each other, culminating in like…ten minutes of sex and weak orgasms.

Florida is the dude with the huge dick that gets confused and thinks he’s more attractive than he actually is. In reality, Florida freaks all the hot states out because they don’t want to get hurt. They much prefer a state like, say, Oklahoma, that may have a bit of a gut but is also reasonably sized to fit comfortably in…well, you get it.

North and South Dakota are the twins – not hot but more attractive than you’d think – that have a weird kinky thing going on with Minnesota. They share Minnesota most of the time but occasionally they get into scraps about which one is prettier. Which is silly. Of course South Dakota is the pretty one. Everyone knows that.

California is a black dude.

Michigan gets a blowie from Indiana and Ohio as he gropes Wisconsin. Go up and look at that map and tell me I’m wrong!

Vermont and New Hampshire are in a constant state of 69. Lucky bastards.

Wyoming and Colorado just kind of grind up against each other a lot, content to dry hump and tease Nebraska, who keeps trying to insert itself into the PG-13 level sexual behavior.

Iowa and Illinois are in a committed relationship that continues to last as long as Illinois goes down on Iowa all the time. It’s a relationship built on love, respect, and oral sex. Also the Chicago Bulls.

In a perfect kind of dichotomy, Nevada goes out and gets hammered every night, coming home with a random state and engaging in all sorts of hot interstate…course. That didn’t work as well as I hoped. This, of course, happens in the same room as Utah, Nevada‘s Mormon roommate, who watches anime, eats pocky, and suffers panic attacks whenever it hears the key enter the doorknob.

Oregon and Washington go and get stoned with Canada every few days and end up banging in the car on the drive home. Neither of them is particularly skilled at sex or school or anything really, but they talk philosophy and exchange clothes before Washington sticks its Space Needle in Oregon‘s Mt. St. Helens. Hipster sex is always weird sex.

No list would be complete without the polyamory of Connecticut, Massachusetts and Rhode Island. Actually, wait! It’s like the Lannisters from A Song of Ice and Fire! Connecticut is Cersei, Massachusetts is Jaime, and Rhode Island is Tyrion, the Imp! Plus, they all came about at the same time, which basically makes them family. It’s a perfect comparison…that I just realized that only some of my audience will understand. And is gross and incest-y. Yet, I’m okay with that because it’s so apt. Go me.

Who gives a fuck about Delaware?

Maryland and West Virginia are the stereotypical gay couple. Don’t look at that map and tell me that you don’t see “crossing swords”. Plus the irony of West Virginia doing ANYTHING gay is just hilarious.

Arizona and New Mexico get clopsy on tequila one night and bond over their shared hatred of Latinos, culminating in a night of drunken, clumsy pseudo-passion, only to wake up the next morning with giant hangovers, a border fence on the way, and a lot of explaining to do to their coworkers.

Idaho is tall and skinny with the business remaining tall and skinny. Montana is a BBS with a lot of junk in its trunk. They are a perfect match in what is steadily becoming the most fucked up article I have ever written. Oh, actually, you can turn this into Ja…hold on, no, we’ll save that for a different article! Yay for ideas coming organically!

Maine is…a chode…I guess? What the hell can I do with Maine? It’s like Delaware. You can’t make those sexy even a little bit.

Everything is bigger in Texas. And Texas is bigger in anything. You can interpret that as you will.

Louisiana is just hanging out down there by itself. It’s not part of the big gangbang and it wants nothing to do with Texas‘ size so it just spends its time playing with itself and looking like a boot. Wait. I know! It has a foot fetish. Yeah. That’s the joke I wanted.

New York. Pennsylvania. New Jersey. Three states indulging in a circle jerk as they talk about how much hotter and stronger and better at sports they are than any other states, resulting in the Hudson River. And yes, I did just imply the Hudson River is the collective ejaculate of three states.

And finally we come to Virginia. Uh…it puts DC inside of it while it goes to work as kind of a kinky all-day sex thing?
Yeah, I know. I kinda ran out of steam at the end there. But in my defense, I was starting to really weird myself out with this so…

I don’t actually want to fuck states.

You know. For the record.