The Descent Into Skyrim

Posted: December 31, 2011 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , ,

Look, I’m not even going to lie about it or cover it up. I’m not going to claim that I’ve been super-drunk or using my dick as a divining rod (finding wetness…get it?). First off, I was working. Yes, working. Dress clothes, 6 AM mornings, commutes, office work, lunchtimes filled with desperate socialization, playing around on news sites, uncomfortable random erections underneath the keyboard. I was an actual professional. Of course, they fired my ass because it just ‘wasn’t the right fit’. God forbid they train me on stuff I don’t know so I can be a more productive worker beyond just Tweeting and browsing Slate.com for eight hours a day. But that ended like two weeks ago, before Christmas. After Christmas?

Skyrim.

Holy shit. That game is like if sex was distilled into a CD form, laced with pure Colombian cocaine, covered with $1000 bills, and, just for good measure, a nice big juicy steak along with it. I’ve lost myself in Assassin’s Creed before. I’ve lost myself in Mass Effect. I’ve lost myself in Red Dead Redemption and LA Noire and all that. I have never been so lost in a game before. Not even metaphorically. I sometimes don’t know where the fuck in the world of the game I AM. With all the damn mountains and oceans and…vaguely sexually appealing dark elves.

My point is that the line between Skyrim and real life is becoming more blurred with every minute I spend walking the realm on my 360. To that end, I shall share with you my various and sundry thoughts and observations I have had while walking around, meeting Nords, and experiencing unabashed racism in-game (Windhelm specifically, which is like about two years away from going all Holocaust-y on Dunmer). Enjoy.
——
On Character Creation

I could be a chick. Or I could actually enjoy playing the game.

Wait, that’s an awesome beard. Can I…HOLY SHIT, I CAN BE KING LEONIDAS!

Okay, I can’t not play Leonidas. And the name has to be the same.

On Dragons

I just murdered a big, ugly-ass dragon by MYSELF and a sword. ALONE. I deserve a goddamn blowjob, woman!

For fuck’s sake, do these dragons have a death pact or something? After like three died, you’d think they would want to avoid me. “Dude, did you hear? Frank died.” “What? No way! How?” “Some asshole who calls himself Dragonborn ripped his cloaca out and beat him to death with it.” “Shit. Is that the same guy that killed Eddie and Marcus?” “Yeah. Yeah it is.” “Shit, man. I’m going to steer clear of him. Maybe try out Hammerfell for a bit, just until the murders stop.” WOULDN’T THAT BE MORE REASONABLE?

So…is this like sex where since I stole a dragon’s soul, I stole the soul of every dragon that dragon has ever been with? Did I just bang a few lady dragons? Or, worse, did I just steal the soul of a virgin dragon? Good Lord. There is nothing more depressing than a virgin dragon. All with the big thick coke-bottle glasses, a constant sinus infection, a pocket protector, a floppy disk full of inter-dragon porn, one arm bigger than the other. Ew.

On Trading

What do you mean you’re going to give me half price on that? I CUT A FUCKING ORC’S HEAD OFF WITH A MACE FOR THAT! It’s worth at least 250 gold, you dickhole.

You know what? I’m not going to buy any of your shit. I’m just going to go upstairs and rob your ass blind anyways.

Why are you following me? I’m a damn hero. I own all your life.

On Quests

Let me run through this again to be clear. You are sending me – the Dragonborn, the hope of the world, the last fucking man on Earth that can stop the big fuckoff evil dragon from devouring our souls – to deliver an axe to another guy you’re kind of feuding with. Are you always this big of a prick?

You know, I’m starting to think that my willingness to be an errand boy is permeating my legend of awesomeness and bringing it down a peg.

INFINITE QUESTS?! Oh fuck me…

On Personal Interactions

Maven. Is. A. Cunt. There’s no two ways around it. With apologies and all licensing credit to Matt Stone and Trey Parker…

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll,

Maven is a bitch!
She’s a big fat bitch!
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
She’s a stupid bitch!
If there ever was a bitch!
She’s a bitch to all the boys and girls!

On Monday she’s a bitch,
On Tuesday she’s a bitch,
On Wednesday thru Saturday she’s a bitch!
Then on Sunday just to be different,
She’s a super king kamehameha bi-atch!

(Come on you all know the words!)

Have you ever met my boss Maven
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
She’s a mean old bitch,
And she has stupid hair!
She’s a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
She’s a stupid bitch! (Woo!)
Maven is a bitch
And she’s such a dirty bitch!(Hey!)

Talk to kids around the world.
It might go a little bit something like this…

[Sung in 4 different languages by other children]

Have you ever met my boss Maven,
She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
She’s a mean old bitch,
And she has stupid hair!
She’s a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
She’s a stupid bitch!
Maven is a bitch,
And she’s such a dirty bitch!

I reeeally mean it,
Ma-ve-en,
she’s a big fat, fuckin’ bitch!
Big, old, fat, fuckin’ bitch!
Maaaaaveeeeeeeeeeennnn!
Yeahhhhh, Chaaaaa!

I’m not proud but, really, she’s totally awful. I hate her.

I really feel kind of bad for not only ripping off some of the merchants, but turning around and stealing from them. Kind of. Then I sell them back their necklaces and my guilt goes away.

There is no greater sweet irony than destroying one man’s relationship with a woman for another man, then turning around and marrying the woman and screw the jerk out of a happy marriage. Wamp wamp.

I can’t sleep with my wife. What kind of bullshit is that?

I’m actually most comfortable with the town of Riften…even though it’s filled with thieves and Argonians.

Seriously. Why can’t I fuck my wife?
——
I’ll be honest. I’m kinda drunk right now.

(Kinda? – ed.)

Shush. This may be edited in later days. But for now, have a great New Year’s Eve and don’t fuck anyone that you can’t get your arms around!

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