Archive for September, 2011


First up, we’re going to give a shout out to and recommendation to go to Caffeinated Change, a blog here on WordPress run by our friend Steph (well, one of many Stephs but still a cool one). You can find her link in our Blogroll Section. Note to self: this may or may not appear if this site ever gets turned into a damn book. We’ll play it by ear.

Anyhow, this world is filled with terrifying creatures. The black widow or brown recluse. The viper fish. The bot fly. Those hornets that sting ants and lay eggs in their brain so that when the egg hatches, it turns the ant into a zombie and makes it walk around, moaning about ‘brains’ except in antspeak which you couldn’t understand even if it was possible to amplify their voices enough. Do ants even have voices? Or do they rely just on body language and waving their feelers around? Do they have the capability to pick up little ant chicks at the ant bar by buying them little shooters of plant nectar? Do they get all clopsy on aphid juice and take the ant girl home to make some bad decisions? Can ants get abortions?

…I think we ran off the track there a little bit. The point is that this world is fucking scary, especially when you think about all the different creepy animals and insects and plants that can crawl in places and do things to other things. OH! That fish that swims up your peehole when you take a leak in the river. That thing has no purpose except to wreck some junk. Bastard fish.

The point is that there are a lot of nasty creatures that exist. We’ve put our heads together here and come up with a list of ones we are reasonably sure DO NOT exist…at least we really, really hope not.
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The Colombian Death Spider – This thing is about four feet wide and uses telephone poles as guides for its webs. Its legs are like rake handles and its fangs look like raptor claws. I think actually that I saw one out my window one night, illuminated in the street light…munching on a squirrel. The furry little tail waving back and forth. On second thought, it may have just been gross public sex.

The Ambulatory Shark – I’d think this one is pretty self-explanatory. A shark with fucking LEGS – how is that not terrifying? You’re swimming in the ocean and you see the big dark fin coming towards you so you tear ass towards the shore. You hit the sand and think you’re safe and then you look behind yourself and see this giant mouth full of teeth and death sprinting at you from out of the surf. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t lose it in your swimsuit.

The Northern Illinois Toilet Bear – Definitely a concern, especially during migration season. It comes out of nowhere which makes it so scary. One second you’re dropping the kids off at the pool and idly reading a Dilbert anthology, the next, WHAM, your crotch is popcorn for a bear lurking inside your toilet bowl. Some space-time bullshit. I’ve heard they can fold their spines into extra teeth to conserve space.

The Black-Faced Race Baiter – This asshole. He’s not even an exciting creature. Just a damn stray hedgehog but every so often, it paints up in blackface and stars performing a minstrel show in the middle of downtown. I mean, who’s going to say anything? It’s a damn hedgehog! Still, it foments racial tension which definitely something to be avoided. What a dick.

The Dual-Wielding Flashlight Hornet – One of the modern miracles of creation. Not only does this damn bug usually grow to the size of a water bottle. Not only does it actually contain two stingers – one in its ass and one on top of its head. But this stupid thing is able to shine light from fluorescent glands in its butt to blind its enemies so it can sting the shit out of it. Know what its mortal enemy is? Ten-year old children.

The Triple Lion – Okay, do you know what a chimera is? The version where one head is a lion, one is an eagle, and one is a snake? THIS IS JUST THREE LION HEADS and all of them are hungry for the same thing. Your liver. And probably random chunks out of your torso and legs. Just toss a steak into the middle of the heads and run. On second thought, this is basically Cerberus but with lions. Still scary as hell.

The 4:30 Screamer – Less horrifying than it is annoying. Birds, by and large, are total dicks. They chirp at you way too early when you’re incredibly hungover…okay, fine, still drunk off of two bottles of wine. They shit on your car, especially after it was just washed. They have little birdie sex on your deck cushions so you feel weird sitting on them. They build nests in that terrible tree you were going to cut down this summer. This bird, though, has a special talent. Despite only being the size of an iPod, this prick can scream at precisely the right tone and pitch to make you believe that a co-ed is being raped and slaughtered on your front porch. At 4:30 in the morning.

The Exploitamouse – Breaks into your home, sits on your favorite chair, and hops into your lap as you sit down to read. This is how it breeds. It breeds in your lap.

The Red-Breasted Titty Fairy – The name is very misleading. It’s not red-breasted. It doesn’t have tits. And it certainly is not a fairy. It’s actually very similar to a garter snake with red spots all over it. It’s just that the name was made when scientists were blackout drunk and giggling. It makes me just so mad to even think of the deception it has propagated.

The Exploding Termite – Out of all of them on this list, this little fucker may be the most dangerous. They come in hives and eat away at your load-bearing beams. Unfortunately, they don’t have the self-control to stop eating, kind of like Kevin Federline. They eat and gnaw and chew until their little thoraxes explode. Even worse, they have nitro-glycerin in their nervous system so when they burst, it’s like a smart car blew up inside your house. You get too many of them in one place and your home is coming down around you like a well-oiled Ponzi scheme.
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(You are almost wholly insane by this point, aren’t you? – ed.)

Well, I am awesome, yes, but I certainly wouldn’t qualify myself as HOLY, my friend.

(But I didn’t…oh. Okay, I’m going to let you have this one because that was actually somewhat witty. – ed.)

Win is for me!