Archive for July, 2011

As a child of the early 1990s, my generation was one that grew up with a tremendous range of quality (some still quality, some not so much) programming on television. Rocko’s Modern Life. All That. FOX Kids. The Spice Channel. As kids, we were really the last generation to be able to enjoy Saturday morning cartoons as something other than screaming, flailing, sugar-coated, hyperactive torture devices, as the shows are today. Except for My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic and fuck you for judging. It’s a good show.

The point is that 90s kids had it good when it came to shows (and merchandising) and no show was or is more indicative of the time than than of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. I’m not talking about the dozens of spinoffs which qualify as officially raping the corpse of something decent. I’m talking seasons 1-3, with the original cast. In case you don’t know anything about MMPR (in which case, go back to your pacifier, kid), here’s the basics. In S1, Rita Repulsa was freed from her prison on the moon and was determined to destroy Earth. A space alien named Zordon (basically a face in a glass tube) needed to combat her with his minion Alpha 5 (an annoying-ass robot). To help them, he chose five ‘teenagers with attitude’ – all conveniently located in the same city and school and were friends – and imbued them with the power to become super ninjas and, when it really became nasty (the villain of the week grew to monstrous size – every week), call upon giant dinosaur robots (Zords – clearly not an ego trip at all) buried deep in various places in Earth to come together and make the Megazord to kick seven shades of shit out of the monster and save the day until the next time Rita got her panties in a wad and wanted to destroy Earth. Which was every week. Without fail. Midway through season 1, they added a sixth member but he was evil, I think, but then went good. I don’t know. This is off the top of my head but the fact that I remember all this says a lot about me…not all good.

Anyways, the original six Rangers were as follows:

Jason – Red Ranger: The leader of the group and my personal favorite. I think this guy does or did gay porn.
Trini – Yellow Ranger The first of much blatant racist stereotyping, the Asian was the Yellow Ranger. Still hot though, although she’s dead now.
Kimberly – Pink Ranger Everyone back the fuck off, the Pink Ranger is mine. More boys hit puberty with wet dreams about her than anyone else.
Zack – Black Ranger – You guessed it, he was African-American. And I think has gotten arrested for assault at some point.
Billy – Blue Ranger – The nerd of the group and the one everyone ignored because he was a douche. Also, he’s gay and got harassed a lot on set.
Tommy – Green/White Ranger The bad boy turned hero. Everyone liked him the best except me. He’s doing okay for himself, I think.

The point is that kids these days – with programming the way it is – aren’t looking for a simple, action-packed show with predictable storylines in and out of battle along with gratuitous amounts of sexual tension. They need over the top antics and that’s where we come in. We present to you now our changes and modifications of Power Rangers to pander to today’s class of mouth-breathing puberty cyclones.

Change 1: The group is no longer ‘teenagers with attitude’, but ‘twenty-somethings facing existential crises’. This allows for later changes to actually be applicable.

Change 2: The Black Ranger no longer wears the skintight leotard and helmet, choosing instead to wear jean shorts and a balaclava while carrying a gat strapped to his hip. The Putty Patrol react the same way as humans when they take two to the chest, that’s for sure.

Change 3: One episode deals with the fallout after a Thursday night when all six Rangers sat in Tommy’s Midtown apartment, dropped acid and engaged in various forms of sexual experimentation.

Change 4: Another episode’s through-line involves Billy getting drunk and brutally assaulting Alpha 5 after accidentally teleporting to the HQ instead of to his loft in Queens. Zordon can only sit and watch helplessly as Alpha screams in pain.

Change 5: Instead of giant dinosaur robots, each Ranger is instead given a cell phone and free minutes to be able to call up some “friends” to help them ‘get rid of some problems’. The Harlem Globetrotters occasionally cameo as gang members.

Change 6: Tommy, in a serious relationship with Kimberly, goes over to Trini’s dorm room one night and gets her pregnant after ejaculating inside her instead of on her face as she asked. The rest of the season involves dealing with not only the unfaithfulness of Tommy but the consequences of Trini’s pregnancy and subsequent abortion at the hands of Goldar, Rita’s right-hand man, who does back-alley medical procedures on the side to make some extra money.

Change 7: In retaliation for Tommy’s cheating, Kimberly sleeps with Jason and videotapes it, posting the video to various amateur porn websites under the title “Fuk U Tommy – His Dick Is Bigger!”

Change 8: Alpha 5, as he is not a human, is denied a protective order against Billy who, angry at being exposed to the police, assaults Alpha again, this time sober and this time much more violently. Alpha loses an arm and one of his eyes is put out. However, Jason enters before Billy can kill Alpha and, angry and drunk with Internet celebrity as well as a fifth of Jack, beats the living hell out of Billy before forcing him to perform oral sex on him, after which he breaks his jaw.

Change 9: Zack and Trini snort coke in a subway bathroom. Trini ODs and Zack has to get her to the hospital while at the same time avoiding his parole officer who is checking up on him after an aggravated assault arrest a couple years back. He served two years in Chino and does NOT want to go back.

Change 10 Rita, instead of being a evil immortal being living on the moon, is actually Tommy’s Chinese landlord who wants a piece of his Tiger Flute and is always sending monsters that she animates through black magic to collect the rent.

Change 11: Zordon still lives in his glass tube but is actually just a mentally ill homeless man with a deep, raspy voice from years of substance abuse. The swirling gas in the tube is just paint fumes from the spray can in his ‘huffing’ bag.

Change 12: Kimberly gets a job working as a bank teller but, during a robbery, is shot in the arm. The PTSD drives her to become a thrill-seeker, culminating in Zack and Tommy having to bail her out of jail after she drives her car into a Tiffany’s storefront during rush hour.

Change 13: When paged to enter battle, Billy and Trini don’t show. They have instead opted to get high and go to a Dave Matthews Band concert.

Change 14: Zack, after a very tough battle with one of Rita’s monsters, snaps and executes the monster in front of an elementary school. The resultant standoff with cops results in him and Billy dying with suicide by cop.

Change 15: As the series ends, we see how the other four end up. Jason goes into gay porn and settles down with a production assistant. Kimberly accidentally kills herself skydiving without a parachute. Tommy becomes a softball coach and goes to prison after molesting his entire infield after winning the state semifinals. Trini is forced to become a prostitute in Thailand, eventually ODing on opium. Zordon dies of consumption. Alpha 5 works for Microsoft.
(Good job. Way to destroy an entire series for good. Very thorough. – ed.)

My pleasure!