Archive for April, 2011

How To Do Easter The Dan Eats Cat Food Way

Posted: April 24, 2011 by kaostheory in Informative
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Easter. The time of year where we as human beings suspend all belief in favor of accepting that sometimes giant, mutated rabbits are able to produce multi-colored, probably infected, and voluminous amounts of chicken eggs like some sort of unholy cross taking part because of the rape of a hen by a jackrabbit. Yeah. That’s right. What you see as cheery and delightful is actually a “trigger warning” waiting to happen.

Oh wait. Should I have put “trigger warning” at the beginning?

(Feeling like a smartass today, huh? – ed.)

Comes with the territory. The day I worry about any of my writing setting off freakouts with women or whoever that may have been traumatized in the past is the day that I stop making the background for this thing flash blue and red really fast so that epileptics can’t enjoy it.

(Been meaning to talk to you about that. We edit that out every time. We’ve been over this. – ed.)

And clearly it’s not sinking in, so NOW who’s the “unreliable asset”, huh? Anywho, while we’re here, we may as well offer up some advice for the kiddles and bits to take to heart on this most glorious of days. Let’s get this crackalackin’.
First off, you really should get dressed up and attend the Easter service at your church of choice. If you’re a Christian, today is one of the – if not THE – most important days in the entire faith, since it is the day that Jesus Christ was resurrected from the grave after dying for our sins. SO SHOW SOME DAMN RESPECT, Y’ALL. If you aren’t Christian, that’s cool too. Just…chill out and enjoy the stuff you’re getting. I guess.

Now we get to the other stuff. More specifically, dyeing and finding Easter eggs. Now some smart-asses would say to dye the eggs green or camo and hide them around the yard so that the little kids get frustrated by not being able to find them so they start crying and their holiday is ruined. That’s just being a dick and we don’t cotton to that around here. Make the eggs in all the colors of the rainbow. Even better, make them in every color ever. Picture it now. Puce eggs. Mauve eggs. EGGSHELL WHITE EGGS. Make the dyeing process swiftly turn into a grueling arts-and-crafts concentration camp. And then the stickers! Permutations galore! Why frustrate the children when you can make them dead inside? You’re thinking small, compadre.

Alternatively, if you don’t want to go to straight cruelty, make the Easter egg hunt ‘street rules’. Allow for any and every kind of tactic available to their little brains in order to win the hunt. Encourage fashioning weapons out of hats and sharp sticks. Help them form a rudimentary society with social status based on the amount of eggs and no penalty for theft, assault or mugging. See what happens when children – already stretching the bounds of human decency – lose any motivation or reason to be ‘good’.

Next up we have the crack cocaine of the under-13 crowd: chocolate. If you’re wise, you’ll create artificial scarcity. Make the situation seem as if there is not nearly enough chocolate to go around – say, one M&M per three kids. While adults and even some teenagers understand basic economics, especially the ‘I can actually just get in my car, drive and buy this stuff’ concept, little children do not. Little children are also flush with disposable income from generous grandparents, excitement from all the busyness going on around them and, if you’re lucky, hot sisters or cousins back for the holiday from college with tappable asses, low standards and negotiable alcohol tolerance. What I’m suggesting is that you force little kids to pimp out their family for chocolate.

Cadbury Cream Eggs. You don’t let those little fuckers anywhere NEAR these. These are EARNED by going through the fires of Smarties and jellybeans and those crappy gold coins that come in those nets. Lie and say these don’t exist. Trick the kids into giving them to you by faking puking at the taste of them. Change their gaze and swipe them. These are yours. Make sure they stay that way.

How about that shitty fake grass? What’s with that stuff? Don’t eat it though. It stays in your digestive tract for YEARS. It’s like chewing gum except worse. Like…fake tapeworms almost.

And Peeps? What about them? Personally, we’re okay with them. They’re just crappy marshmallow with an assload of sugar shaped like whimsical little chicks or bunnies or…sometimes fucking snowmen and yes, they do exist. But it’s understandable that some people don’t like them. At times, it is almost like trying to chew and swallow a small, sugary throw pillow. They do swell and burst in the microwave SO well though. Kind of like that fat dude on Monty Python that ate that after-dinner mint and blew up…except less gross.

Sundresses? Oh holy shit, yes.

And of course, the Easter Bunny must be there. Ah yes, the Easter Bunny. A creature on platypus-level curiousness. An animal with the physical appearance of a rabbit but the reproductive system of a chicken. Even the Spore(TM) Creature Creator would say “What the fuck?” about this thing. But every year, kids are delighted when he comes by, hiding the eggs and bringing them joy in…what is your DEAL, man?

I’m waiting for the damn koala line. What are you talking about?

Every time we do this, the koala comes back and commits wholesale murder, trying to get to me. I’m just waiting for you to spring it on me so I can run. Seriously, man. You are getting way too paranoid.

You’ll forgive me if I’m wary since, you know, MY FRIENDS WERE SLAUGHTERED AT HALLOWEEN because of you. I had nothing to do with that. Koala.



You might want to run.

FUCK YOU! Not even if you paid me, muchacho.
(Tell me the truth. You’re a sadist, aren’t you? – ed.)

What? No. This stuff doesn’t get me off. And you are way in the wrong to assume otherwise. The only things that get me off are tribbing, spanking, schoolgirls, cowgirl, girls cumming and maybe sometimes getting choked with a garden hose. That is ALL, dude.

(…the hell? – ed.)

Okay, fine! And MAYBE amputee MILF Thai women but that’s only on special occasions.

(I didn’t ask! – ed.)

But people must know! Deuces and Easters!