Dan Eats Cat Food Fails Miserably On An Interview

Posted: March 3, 2011 by kaostheory in Interview
Tags: , , ,

(Okay. Look. It’s not often but it’s occasional when we here at Dan Eats Cat Food grow the slightest fetus of a conscience and feel the need to help people. Now, we surely won’t give our ill-gotten money to the poor bastards, but we can tell their story. Unfortunately…well…this happened. This is being posted as a warning for all of you who may be roaming the streets of central Moscow at midnight. This…the term “unmitigated disaster” doesn’t do it justice. We’re just going to post this interview in the hopes that we won’t be indicted. Fucking damn it. I’m going to let Kaos set the stage since he went through it. – ed.)

It was a cold night in Moscow when I met Grigor Neyterivich Rasklonokovski. He was drunk and unconscious in an alley, his legs sticking in the air as the lower third of his body rested gently, jammed into a dented garbage can. I attempted to shake him awake, curious as to what led him to this state, but received no reply. Finally, I resorted to kicking the can as hard as I could, creating an effect similar to the one Venom faces in that emo-laced abortion known as Spiderman 3. God damn it, Sam Raimi! I know you didn’t like the character but what you did to the most awesome character in the entire canon was akin to making Chun Li’s finishing move in a new Street Fighter game be to take down the pants of her opponent and to aggressively fellate him until his head explodes. And then his brain will burst. Wait, that actually sounds awesome. Never mind. Where was I?

Oh yeah. Grigor. He demanded I call him Nishka and that I buy him a round of Wodcar. I didn’t know what he meant until he hit me in the head with a clear glass bottle. VODKA is what he wanted and I was willing to do so because DECF was covering my soul-searching mission and I could write it off as a business expense. Suckers. Anyways, we got to a nice warm tavern and we began to talk. It…Tom Brokaw I am not. Maybe Dan Rather after a round of Jagermeister though.
Dan Eats Cat Food: Could you please state your name for the record?

Grigor: Da! I Grigor Neytirivich Rasklonokovski, son of…

DECF: Great, great. So, you are homeless, yes?

GNR: No! I not homeless. Moscow is home.

DECF: Heh, of course. I meant, you don’t have a place to live, yes?

GNR: Streets are my live! Alley has metal sleeping bag and plenty of sewer chicken.

DECF: Sewer chicken?

GNR: Rat.

DECF: Gross. No, what I meant was…do you own property?

GNR: Grigor does not own property. House in south Moscow taken by government after Grigor wife and son die.

DECF: Oh, I’m so sorry. How did they did?

GNR: Is terrible story. One day, Grigor and family go to picnic in woods. Is beautiful day. Sun shines, grass green and dry, wife’s breasts hang gently like cow udders, heavy with milk. No bra today! Today is celebration day!

DECF: Why a celebration?

GNR: Son Vanya get into fancy school for boys. Very expensive but they pay! Grigor so proud of son. Finally, Vanya does not wear dress of grandmother. Vanya ready to become a man!

DECF: That sounds wonderful. Congratulations.

GNR: Do not offer words of praise yet, American tourist. Is sad story. When at picnic, family get into argument. Wife Natasha want another child. Demand Grigor place man-seed inside belly and create daughter. Grigor no want daughter. Vanya act as if daughter already! One time, Grigor walk in on Vanya with face buried in local grocer loins. Grigor break both grocer legs and make Vanya throw up.

DECF: My goodness!

GNR: Is not bad as you think! Grigor only punch son in stomach to bring up poison liquid. Man does not put seed in other man belly, as you know.

DECF: Of…course.

GNR: So Grigor not want daughter. Wife get very upset. Start yelling at Grigor, say horrible things about Grigor manhood. Grigor is quiet, saying nothing. He knows wife only goes through time of blood and tears. Then son Vanya calls Grigor manhood ‘wonderful’. This enrage Grigor, bring out Russian strength him. (he beats his chest proudly). Grigor get up to chase son and wife start to cry. Grigor does not hear.

DECF: Why not?

GNR: Grigor too focused on beating son. Vanya avoid becoming a man for too long! So Grigor chase son into woods. Soon, Grigor lose son and return to camp. But no good is there.

DECF: What happened?

GNR: Grigor come back to the picnic. There, there is bear. Bear has been attracted by smell of beef and honey from loaf of bread. Bear wants to eat beef but wife, full of anger and vodka and loins bloody and hot, get angry, begin to strike bear with fists. At first, bear ignore wife and only eat food on blanket. Soon, bear is tired of wife punching and begin to attack her. Wife dies. Grigor return to camp just as bear finish eat wife. Grigor get very angry, kill bear with sharp stick. When Grigor returns from land of bloodlust, son is there, having the sex with dead bear. Grigor kill son with stick too.

DECF: Holy shit.

GNR: Police reach picnic time as Grigor finishes burying son and parts of wife. Grigor is arrested, thrown in gulag. Many years go by. Little food. Little vodka. Much sex with hole in brick wall. After ten year, Grigor is released into the world. World has changed much. Grigor can not adjust. Forced to live on scraps from butcher and pity from tourists. It is life.

DECF: My God. That’s…horrible.

GNR: Do not worry, friend. Grigor is just fine. He has recently learned of farm outside of town. Horses live there. Too many horses for use. Grigor will go in one hour, after farmer has gone to bed, and make feast. Do you wish to join?

DECF: I…maybe.

GNR: Yes! We drink!

(two hours pass)

DECF: Holy fucking shit. Grigor, what the hell, man?

GNR: Grigor is fine. Did not expect horse to bite.

DECF: That looks infected…

GNR: Grigor is not infect! Horse put up strong fight. For that, Grigor is thankful. Do you want more horse meat?

DECF: Uh, no. I’m okay with no more horse penis going into me.

GNR: Is okay. Grigor will finish for you. Does American pussy require a ride to town?

DECF: No! No, God no. I’ll…I’ll walk. Need to burn off this asshole you forced me to consume.

GNR: Is good to meet you, brother! Find Grigor when next you are in Moscow. He will introduce you to his sister, Anna!

DECF: Uh…thanks. Goodbye, Grigor. Please don’t die.

GNR: Grigor makes no promise!
And that was that. I left Grigor that night. I have not heard from him since. On one hand, I hope he is still alive so I may see his crazy drunk ass again. On the other…maybe it’s better if he died.

(Tuesdays with Morrie, this ain’t. – ed.)

You didn’t eat horse butthole! Anyways, good night, gentle readers.

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