Interview with Ben Roethlisberger

Posted: February 5, 2011 by kaostheory in Interview
Tags: , , ,

Lads and ladesses, have we got a treat for you! Through a tremendous amount of lying and a good deal of money that may or may not actually exist, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food, on the eve of one of the shittiest Super Bowls to ever be played, have managed to score an in-depth interview with none other than Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and unprosecuted rapist, Ben “No’s Not A Word I Understand” Roethlisberger! Are you excited? You should be. Oh, and ladies, you might want to keep your mace handy. Just a helpful little FYI there. Let’s get this started.
——
Dan Eats Cat Food: Hi Ben, thanks for speaking with us today.

Ben Roethlisberger: My pleasure, Chris. Always glad to talk to my fans.

DECF: Uh…huh. There’s about two things very wrong about that, but we’ll skip past it. Anyways, first let me congratulate you on making it to the big game.

BR: Thank you! It’s always a huge thrill to be the best team in football.

DECF: Yes, I’m sure it would be if you win. But you haven’t won yet.

BR: Oh, we’re going to.

DECF: Very confident. Any particular reason why?

BR: Simple. When Ben Roethlisberger sees something he wants, nothing will stop him or get in the way of him having it. Nothing. Not the Green Bay Packers. Not the prayers of football fans. Not even pants.

DECF: That’s classy…

BR: I will say, though, that sometimes it’s a bit boring being the quarterback.

DECF: Really? I would have thought it would be the most difficult and stressful position to play.

BR: Oh not at all. I just have to throw the ball to the open receiver and then my job is done for a minute or so. I’d much rather have been a linebacker. You know, chasing down someone, tackling them. Kind of like hunting your prey almost.

DECF: Are you a big hunter?

BR: You could say that, sure.

DECF: What sort of animal do you hunt? Deer? Elk?

BR: The deadliest game of all, Chris. The deadliest game of all.

DECF: I…my name’s not Chris, actually. But can you explain that?

BR: Probably no, not.

(uncomfortable pause)

DECF: …okay then. So tell us, when you’re not playing football, what do you like doing?

BR: Oh man, all sorts of things. Riding my Harley and getting into accidents. Hitting up nightclubs. Women – I LOVE women. Watching movies.

DECF: Movies, huh? What are some of your favorites?

BR: Hm, let’s see. I love Last House on the Left, A Clockwork Orange, Blue Velvet, Deliverance, The Accused. Oh! And my absolute favorite movie of all time is Irreversible. You know, the one by Gaspar Noe? The one with Monica Bellucci?

DECF: Yes, I know the movie.

BR: Love it. Absolutely love it.

DECF: That…makes perfect sense. Anyways, we should probably address the elephant in the room.

BR: I suppose you do have to do your job.

DECF: Yes, I do. So…did you have sex with those girls?

BR: Oh shit yes.

DECF: I…what?!

BR: Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean, I just wrecked them. Tore them up something bad. See, I have a massive…

DECF: It’s okay! Just…please zip back up. I believe you.

BR: I mean, it’s huge. Just behemoth-level. I’m not Brett Favre here.

DECF: No, you’re very right about that. So you’re not denying having sex with them?

BR: Not at all. I just didn’t rape them.

DECF: How do you figure? They both made pretty persuasive claims that it was nonconsensual.

BR: Yeah, it may have been but what the hell, right? I got laid! High five, bro!

DECF: …I’m sorry, but I don’t really want to touch your hand.

BR: That’s fair.

DECF: How would you respond to allegations by many women’s rights groups that you are fostering a culture of rape apology?

BR: I’ll field this one, Mike. Ever since man first put foot to skin, it’s been the privilege of the quarterback of the football team to have unfettered access to vagina. It’s how it’s always been. We’re all muscled and full of testosterone, our sacks are laden with man fuel, and the ladies are the gas tank. Simply put, getting laid is our god-given right. So if you think of it that way, it’s less “rape” and more along the lines of simply “claiming what was mine”.

DECF: That is literally the worst possible answer you could have given. Literally. There is no way you could have fumbled that question more badly.

BR: HEY. Watch the fumble talk. We have a game tomorrow.

DECF: Oh, that’s right.

BR: Besides, it wasn’t THAT bad an answer.

DECF: Yeah, it really kinda was. So are you surprised that more hasn’t been made of your being a sexual predator?

BR: Are you kidding? I’m stunned! All I have to do is grow a beard, sign a few autographs and win a football game or two and people forget the fact that I put my dick into two unwilling women. I mean, that is just atrocious. What do I have to do to get arrested? Stomp a puppy to death?

DECF: That’s a very good point. Michael Vick was absolutely devastated by the media over dogfighting and is only just now rehabbing his image. You, on the other hand, are still the favored son of your city.

BR: I blame Pittsburgh. That town is just BUILT on rape and racism.

DECF: …that I was not expecting.

BR: Seriously. You know what I call the town with my friends?

DECF: Uh, I’m still trying to get over the fact that you have FRIENDS but…Shittsburgh?

BR: Actually, I like that better.

DECF: So you really hate the city you play for?

BR: God, yes. Look at who they cheer for! They love me and I raped chicks.

DECF: You said you didn’t!

BR: Well, since it’s off the record…

DECF: I never said that it was.

BR: Because it’s off the record, I can admit that.

DECF: What about the fans?

BR: What about them? They worship a TOWEL. Most of them had a tough time making it through second grade.

DECF: Are you just trying to end your career?

BR: Someone has to.

DECF: And we’re out of time. I need to go take a shower. In bleach.

BR: Nice talking to you, Phil!
——
(…you are just bound and determined to get us into serious legal trouble, aren’t you, KT?)

You never know until you try!

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