Archive for February, 2011

Dan Eats Cat Food Blogs The Oscars 2011

Posted: February 27, 2011 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , ,

And we’re here and ready to serve you. Yes, we know it’s been a while. Apparently, Steelers fans may be six shades of clinically retarded but they are pretty well-armed and having to hide takes time. Anyways, tonight, we will be blogging the Oscars with our typical snark and unambiguous sexuality. And now, we begin.

7:26: Halle Berry. She is an absolute MILF. I literally couldn’t give a crap what she’s wearing. I’d just rather it match with the carpet on my floor. You know what I mean.

7:27: Tom Hanks making fun of Robin Roberts is precious.

7:28: Yet another train/time movie. Like we don’t have enough of those already.

7:34: A bear costume? What the hell? This isn’t The Shining!

7:35: Wow. The Dance of the Brown Duck.

7:38: Them being “all real” isn’t quite true, Anne. They ARE actors after all.

7:39: I would like to nominate Anne Hathaway for most bangin’ ass and pretty rude titties. She can win that one easy.

7:41: Scripted stuff with relatives is kind of weird to see. Seems like it’s not necessary.

7:42: Now we have Tom Hanks. Love the dude. He’s always a class act.

7:43-7:48: Awards up now are: Art Direction and Cinematography.

Nominees are: Art Direction: Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, and Inception, The King’s Speech, True Grit. And the winner is: Alice in Wonderland. The fuck? I suppose that works. It was weird enough that it deserved something, I think. Holy cow, this guy is awkward. Like really awkward.

Cinematography: Black Swan, Inception, King’s Speech, Social Network, True Grit. And the winner is: Inception. Hell yes. That one definitely is deserved. That movie was so trippy and badass. I need to see it again, actually. This dude seems less awkward and more kind of cool. I would like to have a beer with him.

7:48: Commercial break. Stuff by Mango. Huh. Didn’t know that Chris Kattan actually was still getting work.

7:51-8:01: Sweet. Bringing on Kirk Douglas. He still looks pretty good for being basically a walking mummy. Why is he out here? Wow…this is actually really sad to see. It’s just like Dick Clark. His flirting with Anne Hathaway is amazing though. “Where were you when I was making pictures?” Awesome. Same with ripping on Hugj Jackman. Best Supporting Actress noms: Amy Adams, Helena Bonham Carter, Jackie Lieper, Melissa Leo, Hailee Stenfield. And the winner is: Melissa Leo. That was one that was pretty much a shoe-in. Good for her though. She apparently played a total bitch. And her flirting with Kirk Douglas was also funny. She seems genuinely shocked. Hmm. And she got bleeped. Hah!

8:01: Awesome. Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. They would make the prettiest babies. And that is an amazing background. Best Animated Short Film Feature category. Let’s see the nominees! Day and Night, The Gruffalo, Let’s Pollute, The Lost Thing, Madagascar: A Journey Diary. And the winner is: The Lost Thing. Never heard of it but then again, who the hell knows about any of these short films anyway? And holy crap, that dude is TINY. He’s like Midget Prime.

8:05: Now the Full Animated Feature. Noms: How To Train Your Dragon, The Illusionist, Toy Story 3. I wonder who’s winning this one. The winner is: Toy Story 3. Big effing surprise. I actually really like HTTYD. It was charming for a kid’s movie and anything with Craig Ferguson in it gets my vote. But I suppose exploiting nostalgia and having scenes that apparently rip people’s hearts out is a better bet. No chance in Hell it’s getting Best Picture though. None.

8:08: Commercial time again. Time for a pee break.

8:10: Dancing Asians in a background with Comic Sans font is basically a commercial saying flat out “Avoid the living hell out of this LASIK office”. Fact.

8:12-8:20: Hrm. History. Fascinating. Can Anne just show her tits and get it over with? Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem out now. Coupla intimidating dudes. But SHARP in white. Adapted and Original Screenplays:

Adapted:127 Hours, The Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit, and Winter’s Bone. And the winner is The Social Network. Ugh. That’s going to make for a boring night. Sorry, but Facebook is the most boring-ass subject ever. It’s douchebags becoming rich douchebags. That’s IT. Sorkin only won because he’s Sorkin. Let’s just understand that right now. And he’s going over time? Big fucking surprise. Douche.

Original: Another Year, The Fighter, Inception, The Kids Are Alright, The King’s Speech. And the winner is: King’s Speech. I’m sure it’s awesome. Interesting though. That may mean it’s not going to win Best Picture. What the hell though. Could have been worse and have been the lesbian one, which was apparently only remarkable because of the lesbians. And this guy has an AMAZING voice. Holy crap. And guess what? He’s not running over AND is funny. I actually like him. Good job on him.

8:24: …wow. Something about Anne Hathaway in a suit is incredibly sexy. And she has a HELL of a voice. Wow again. Annnnd James Franco in drag. Who saw that coming? The next presenters are Russell Brand and Helen Mirren. One I like, one I am not a huge fan of. And she’s still a GILF. Good Lord. And French to go with it. Grrrrrowl. Best Foreign Film noms: Biutiful, Dogtooth, In A Better World, Incendies, Outside The Law. And the winner is: In A Better World. That’s actually a surprise. I would have put money on Biutiful taking it. Interesting. She doesn’t know a whole lot of English but she’s pretty and very humble. Good for her.

8:29: Reese Witherspoon. Kinda pretty but her jaw just scares me. Best Supporting Actor noms: Christian Bale, John Hawkes, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, Geoffrey Rush. And the winner is: Christian Bale. Batman is an Oscar-winner! Flash the gold in the next Batman, Christian! And what an amazing name. Christian. Anyone with that name at any point in their name is a total and complete badass. And plugging his character’s website. That’s classy, actually.

8:34: Commercial break. I need the break to get the laptop off of heating my sperm to superhuman levels.

8:38: Announcement that Oscars and ABC have just reupped till 2020. Okay.

8:39: Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. The Aussie Patrol on stage. STAR WARS THEME! Fuck yes! You can never EVER go wrong with it being played. EVER. Lawrence of Arabia. E.T. Westside Story. Interesting choices. Original Score noms: How To Train Your Dragon, The King’s Speech, The Social Network (Trent Reznor), 127 Hours, Inception. And the winner is: The Social Network. And now Pred3000 is forced to change his Huggies because of the massive amount of fangasming. I would have liked to see Inception take it.

8:45: Scarlett and Matthew. Don’t even need to give last names. Mainly because I can’t spell them. And I want to fuck her. Like, I don’t even care that Ryan Reynolds got there. Hell, that may even be a bonus. Okay, maybe that was too gross. Sound Mixing noms: Inception, The King’s Speech, Salt, Social Network, True Grit. And the winner is: Inception. Awesome. Love seeing that movie getting some love. They did a great job with it.

8:48: Sound Editing: Inception, Toy Story 3, Tron: Legacy, True Grit, Unstoppable. That last one is a strange choice. The winner is: Inception. Awesome again. Don’t really need to say a whole lot more on that.

8:50: Breaktime. Good. Getting too hot. Partially from heat. Partially from my loins. Because of the laptop. And because of Scarlett. The laptop and Scarlett in one big crotch-heating miasma. Mostly Scarlett though.

8:53: Marisa Tomei. The most unlikely Oscar winner ever but she has great tits. Thank you, The Wrestler! You broke my heart but gave me Marisa titties. Awards for spatial stuff. Nerd slam. Fuck you James Franco.

8:55: Cate Blanchett. Always a classy, pretty lady. Makeup nom: Barney’s Version, Enrique’s Way Back, The Wolfman. And the winner is: The Wolfman. Makes perfect sense to me. And that dude – Rick Baker – has an amazing ponytail. Just unreal. The makeup is pretty awesome too.

8:58: Best Costume Design noms: Alice in Wonderland, I Am Love, King’s Speech, The Tempest, True Grit. And the winner is: Alice in Wonderland. I mean, that one makes perfect sense. It was a visually stunning movie. Not that bad actually either. Wow, she has absolutely no personality. Reading off a note card? Come on, lady. That’s bush league stuff. This is really boring. Sorry, it is. The music means get off the stage.

9:01: Best movie songs ever. Interesting. Kind of. Not really, fine.

9:02: Kevin Spacey. Love him. He’s always awesome. And now “We Belong Together” being performed by Randy Newman for Toy Story 3. Catchy little tune, actually.

9:04: “I See The Light” by Alan Menkin, Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi from Tangled. Pretty but just basic Disney song.

9:06: Break time. Not a bad thing. Gives me a chance to look around the room. And maybe masturbate because Mandy Moore is smokin’. Not literally. I mean she’s gorgeous and I want to be inside her.

9:11: Now up we have…Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaul or however the fuck you spell it. I don’t like him. Because he has her on his arm right now GOTDAMNIT. And he’s boring. Best Documentary Short noms: Killing In The Name, Poster Girl, Strangers No More, Sun Come Up, The Warriors of Qiugang. And the winner is: Strangers No More. Cool. Congrats, I suppose. She seems incredibly arrogant though. Holy crap. Smug as shit somehow.

9:14: And Best Live Action Short Film noms: The Confession, The Crush, God of Love, Nawewe, Wish 143. And the winner is: God of Love. Okay. You can surely sense my enthusiasm for these films right? Holy crap. That is literally the geekiest looking guy I have ever seen. Good for him though. Seems like a nice dude.

9:17: …autotune was funny back in 2007. It’s not funny now. Harry Potter is especially not funny now. Or Toy Story. This is absolutely the nadir of the show so far. I’m actually embarrassed for the Oscars. Holy effing suck.

9:19: And now Oprah. Because she has such a presence in the movie industry. I’ve seen her in so many! Oh wait. No, I fucking haven’t. Why is she HERE? All I know is that she really needed an OpBRA. Best Documentary noms: Exit Through the Gift Shop, Gaslight, Inside Job, Restrepo, Waste Land. And the winner is: Inside Job. That makes sense but I bet Banksy is pissed. He’ll go…tag a public toilet with the Oscar logo or something. Pffff. Nobody gives a shit about graffiti artists except graffiti artists. And nobody gives a shit about your political views, you asshole dickface. And she looks like a total bitch. Now I will never see the movie. Good luck, dicks. Get off the stage.

9:23: Break time. Good idea. This is a terrible show.

9:26: Billy Crystal! Here we go. Save the show, Billy. And I never thought I would ever say that. The real host is here now. I love him. He’s hilarious. Way to pay homage to Bob Hope. Seriously, total class act, Billy. And this is an awesome bit. Incredible technology. And now Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. Love this. And Jude SLAMMED him. Amazing. But RDJ gave it right back. THESE guys should host. Visual Effects noms: Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, Hereafter, Inception, Iron Man 2. And the winner is: Inception. Damn right. That dream stuff was incredible.

9:34: “Jude Law no longer has a ride to the afterparty if anyone was interested.” RDJ is one of my favorites. Film Editing noms: Black Swan, The Fighter, King’s Speech, Social Network, 127 Hours. And the winner is: Social Network. Meh. The shaved head dude looks like a young Al Franken. That doesn’t make me like him any more.

9:36: Break time again. Good time for it.

9:40: Oh my God. That red dress on Anne is unbelieveable. Holy fucking shit. That is going to be running around in my DREAMS. Now we have Jennifer Hudson coming on to intro the last two songs and then announce Best Original Song. First one up, “If I Rise” from 127 Hours with Florence Welch and Ari Rahkman or whatever. And the last one is Gwyneth Paltrow from Country Strong with the song name I didn’t care because it sucks anyways. “Coming Home” maybe? And GP looks like she should be on Jersey Shore. Like a tall blonde Snooki. Horrific. That was a whole mess of Foggy Mountain Breakdown Train Wreck. And the noms are: We Belong Together, I See The Light, If I Rise and Coming Home. Come on, Randy. And the winner is: We Belong Together. Yes! Randy Newman deserved it. Holy crap. Awesome. He is always awesome. Nominated 20 times. Unbelieveable. And he is hilarious. Best speech of the night. Hahahah.

9:48: Okay, break time and then we have the Remembering Those Who Are Taking A Dirt Nap. We’ll see. I’m calling it right now: Leslie Nielson is going to be the final one. Either him or Dennis Hopper.

9:52: I’m just gonna list the first and last ones. First up? Popular music because Celine Dion is on stage. No wait. John Barry. And last up? Not Leslie, damn. Not Dennis, damn. Lena Horne? Are you ass-fucking me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Christ on a cracker. How the fuck is she ANY more important than Dino di Laurentiis?! Holy shit. That is an embarrassment of a final memorial. She was an okay actress. So what if she was the first black actress? Really? Gotta be shitting me.

9:57: I’m glad it’s a break. I’m fucking mad right now. And not even a mention of Corey Haim? Pathetic as fucking shit.

10:01: Oh man. That blue dress too now? Holy shit. Rrrrrrrrgnh. My pants hurt me. And now we have Hilary Swank up looking pretty good herself. And why are we bringing on Kathryn Bigelow again? Do we need this? Directing noms: Darren Aronofsky, David O. Russell, Tom Hooper, David Fincher, Joel and Ethan Coen. And the winner is: Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech. Better than whatever the Social Network one was. And it’s awesome that he recommended always listening to your mother. Sound advice, Mr. Hooper.

10:05: And now Annette Bening. Whoof. She’s a tough-looking broad. She just has not aged well at all. Introducting the…whatever it is. Seems kind of cool though. And now they bring them on. Awesome. These guys are classy and legends in their own rights. Eli Wallach is ancient but very cool. Neat segment.

10:08: Break time. No further comment.

10:10: Now we’re getting to the strong stuff. Let’s go, Jeff Bridges. Best Actress noms : Annette Bening, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lawrence, Natalie Portman, Michelle Williams. This is not one that is going to be a big shocker. Come on. I’m sure they’re all awesome but come on. And the winner is: Natalie Portman. She’s still gorgeous but the baby is just a big disappointment to my penis. Big, big disappointment. My penis is not happy. Bring out more Anne Hathaway because she makes my penis very happy!

10:19: Let’s bring on Sandra Bullock. Still beautiful . Best Actor noms: Javier Bardem, Jeff Bridges, Jesse Eisenberg, Colin Firth, James Franco. This one is actually more of a lock than Natalie was. If I’m wrong, I am stunned. And the winner is: Colin Firth. Called it. Called it. That was an absolute choice. I mean, there was no doubt. Always a classy dude.

10:28: Break time. Best Picture is up next. I really wish that Inception would win it but it’ll be fucking The Social Network. Ugh.

10:31: Anne is hot in yet another dress. But here comes Mr. Spielberg. Legend. Legend is up on stage right now. Best Picture time. Nominations are: The King’s Speech, Winter’s Bone, The Fighter, Black Swan, Toy Story 3, True Grit, The Social Network, The Kids Are Alright, Inception and 127 Hours. Let’s see how this goes down. I have no idea how it’ll end. And the winner is: The King’s Speech! Now I absolutely need to see this. Awesome. Congrats to all of the nominated ones. We can call this one “the grownups speaking”. I’m shocked they get the big three awards but awesome. Well done.

And with that, this generally unpleasant experience is over. I’m stopping there because I don’t care about kids. I mean, staring at Anne Hathaway did redeem a lot of it but it was just pretty awful in general. Now if you’ll excuse me, there are multiple beers waiting for me to claim my reward.

Interview with Ben Roethlisberger

Posted: February 5, 2011 by kaostheory in Interview
Tags: , , ,

Lads and ladesses, have we got a treat for you! Through a tremendous amount of lying and a good deal of money that may or may not actually exist, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food, on the eve of one of the shittiest Super Bowls to ever be played, have managed to score an in-depth interview with none other than Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and unprosecuted rapist, Ben “No’s Not A Word I Understand” Roethlisberger! Are you excited? You should be. Oh, and ladies, you might want to keep your mace handy. Just a helpful little FYI there. Let’s get this started.
——
Dan Eats Cat Food: Hi Ben, thanks for speaking with us today.

Ben Roethlisberger: My pleasure, Chris. Always glad to talk to my fans.

DECF: Uh…huh. There’s about two things very wrong about that, but we’ll skip past it. Anyways, first let me congratulate you on making it to the big game.

BR: Thank you! It’s always a huge thrill to be the best team in football.

DECF: Yes, I’m sure it would be if you win. But you haven’t won yet.

BR: Oh, we’re going to.

DECF: Very confident. Any particular reason why?

BR: Simple. When Ben Roethlisberger sees something he wants, nothing will stop him or get in the way of him having it. Nothing. Not the Green Bay Packers. Not the prayers of football fans. Not even pants.

DECF: That’s classy…

BR: I will say, though, that sometimes it’s a bit boring being the quarterback.

DECF: Really? I would have thought it would be the most difficult and stressful position to play.

BR: Oh not at all. I just have to throw the ball to the open receiver and then my job is done for a minute or so. I’d much rather have been a linebacker. You know, chasing down someone, tackling them. Kind of like hunting your prey almost.

DECF: Are you a big hunter?

BR: You could say that, sure.

DECF: What sort of animal do you hunt? Deer? Elk?

BR: The deadliest game of all, Chris. The deadliest game of all.

DECF: I…my name’s not Chris, actually. But can you explain that?

BR: Probably no, not.

(uncomfortable pause)

DECF: …okay then. So tell us, when you’re not playing football, what do you like doing?

BR: Oh man, all sorts of things. Riding my Harley and getting into accidents. Hitting up nightclubs. Women – I LOVE women. Watching movies.

DECF: Movies, huh? What are some of your favorites?

BR: Hm, let’s see. I love Last House on the Left, A Clockwork Orange, Blue Velvet, Deliverance, The Accused. Oh! And my absolute favorite movie of all time is Irreversible. You know, the one by Gaspar Noe? The one with Monica Bellucci?

DECF: Yes, I know the movie.

BR: Love it. Absolutely love it.

DECF: That…makes perfect sense. Anyways, we should probably address the elephant in the room.

BR: I suppose you do have to do your job.

DECF: Yes, I do. So…did you have sex with those girls?

BR: Oh shit yes.

DECF: I…what?!

BR: Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean, I just wrecked them. Tore them up something bad. See, I have a massive…

DECF: It’s okay! Just…please zip back up. I believe you.

BR: I mean, it’s huge. Just behemoth-level. I’m not Brett Favre here.

DECF: No, you’re very right about that. So you’re not denying having sex with them?

BR: Not at all. I just didn’t rape them.

DECF: How do you figure? They both made pretty persuasive claims that it was nonconsensual.

BR: Yeah, it may have been but what the hell, right? I got laid! High five, bro!

DECF: …I’m sorry, but I don’t really want to touch your hand.

BR: That’s fair.

DECF: How would you respond to allegations by many women’s rights groups that you are fostering a culture of rape apology?

BR: I’ll field this one, Mike. Ever since man first put foot to skin, it’s been the privilege of the quarterback of the football team to have unfettered access to vagina. It’s how it’s always been. We’re all muscled and full of testosterone, our sacks are laden with man fuel, and the ladies are the gas tank. Simply put, getting laid is our god-given right. So if you think of it that way, it’s less “rape” and more along the lines of simply “claiming what was mine”.

DECF: That is literally the worst possible answer you could have given. Literally. There is no way you could have fumbled that question more badly.

BR: HEY. Watch the fumble talk. We have a game tomorrow.

DECF: Oh, that’s right.

BR: Besides, it wasn’t THAT bad an answer.

DECF: Yeah, it really kinda was. So are you surprised that more hasn’t been made of your being a sexual predator?

BR: Are you kidding? I’m stunned! All I have to do is grow a beard, sign a few autographs and win a football game or two and people forget the fact that I put my dick into two unwilling women. I mean, that is just atrocious. What do I have to do to get arrested? Stomp a puppy to death?

DECF: That’s a very good point. Michael Vick was absolutely devastated by the media over dogfighting and is only just now rehabbing his image. You, on the other hand, are still the favored son of your city.

BR: I blame Pittsburgh. That town is just BUILT on rape and racism.

DECF: …that I was not expecting.

BR: Seriously. You know what I call the town with my friends?

DECF: Uh, I’m still trying to get over the fact that you have FRIENDS but…Shittsburgh?

BR: Actually, I like that better.

DECF: So you really hate the city you play for?

BR: God, yes. Look at who they cheer for! They love me and I raped chicks.

DECF: You said you didn’t!

BR: Well, since it’s off the record…

DECF: I never said that it was.

BR: Because it’s off the record, I can admit that.

DECF: What about the fans?

BR: What about them? They worship a TOWEL. Most of them had a tough time making it through second grade.

DECF: Are you just trying to end your career?

BR: Someone has to.

DECF: And we’re out of time. I need to go take a shower. In bleach.

BR: Nice talking to you, Phil!
——
(…you are just bound and determined to get us into serious legal trouble, aren’t you, KT?)

You never know until you try!