Archive for January, 2011


Happy New Year, DECFers! That’s pronounced “deck-furs” except with maybe a little bit more flourish to it. How about this? Pretend you’re German and are trying to stifle a sneeze. There. Now you have it most of the way. I suppose you’re all wondering where we’ve been. Or maybe you haven’t been wondering at all, content to just go about your daily life without our wisdom. To that I said, fuck off! You need our wit and charm to help you make it through another day. Without us, you would just be…

(Okay, I actually know BOTH of the jokes you were going to go with there and I’m going to say no to both of them. They would both piss a LOT of people off and may lose us friends. So knock it off. – ed.)

Aw, shoot me like a sitting representative.

(KAOS! Goddamnit, man. – ed.)

Ladies and gentlemen (although let’s face it, if you frequent this site, you are clearly neither – not saying you’re a tranny, mind you, but you’re not anyone that any reasonable human being would want to take to any place more fancy than a Waffle House off the interstate either), your 2011 Dan Eats Cat Food!

Oh, yeah. An article. Well, we can’t really think of much so here’s yet a fifth recap of search results that have led to this site.
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“is guitar hero dead?”: If you have to ask, the answer is yes. It’s deader than…well, you know.

“prizes in childrens cereal”: Not really sure why you would want to know this. Are you trying to put razor blades in there?

“drugged dan sex”: This is not EVER anything we EVER want to know about. Seriously. Too far, random Internet search term.

“pussy raptorsaurus”: Pretty sure you might wanna retract that, dude, or Ruffles will eat your ass with fucking Hollandaise sauce.

“dummy food text”: You need to qualify what ‘dummy food’ is first. Like…are we talking about fake food and packaging or what?

“drunken irishman comics”: Methinks we may need to diversify our ‘drunker than’ analogies a bit more from this point on.

“using the internet to masturbate”: It would be much more pleasureable, I think, if you would use your hand. Or a woman.

“best photo ever velociraptor”: I don’t know what this photo is. I don’t know if it exists. But damn it, I really want to see it now.

“raptorsaurus robot”: Okay, fuck the photo. I want THIS. Can we make this happen? Scientists? Stop working on an AIDS cure and do THIS. It’s so much more important in the long run.

“baseball sexual metaphor”: Which one? There are so many.

“albert sousa horses”: WHY ARE WE GETTING THIS STILL? It’s not the horse meat one but it’s pretty close! WHO IS THIS DUDE?

“far too awesome”: Finally! A search result that is MEANT to link to this site. Not just a peripheral one that’s vaguely creepy.

“what to see in internet for masturbating”: I would say ‘pornography’, actually. Naked photos or videos of your gender of choice. But what the hell? Maybe Mr. Met does it for you. Maybe the Phillie Phanatic. In that case, MLB.com will serve all your weird, mascot-fetishistic needs.

“does rufalin work on men?”: No. You may be surprised to learn this but roofies actually make men more awake and sexually voracious. Might not want to spike that water bottle anymore, ladies, lest you have a desire to have your panties physically ripped from your crotch and hurled INTO THE SUN.

“bdsm snuff “sawed””: …the fuck? Does this actually…you know what, no. Don’t wanna know. You won’t find that here and I hope the FBI’s “Carnivore” system takes you out.

“sucking on adrienne barbeau’s tits”: Knew that joke about Escape From New York would bite me in the ass someday. Oh God. Just watch. “Biting ass” is going to be in the next iteration of this. Damn it.

“awkward prom photo”: Why would you ever find something like that here? Prom holds no sway over our mighty, mid-20s crotches!

“how to ruff it up masturbating”: Sandpaper, a power drill and a diamond cutter. And now my penis has retracted into my body in fear. Awesome.

“a woman get pissy fucking”: A…what? Just…okay then.

“0who is the antichrist”: Either Obama or Bush, depending on your political ideology. Personally I’d pick someone less obvious. Maybe Eva Longoria. She’s FAR too hot to be of this world after all.

“boy’s guide to masturbating”: Step One: Remove your cock from your pants. Step Two: Place your hand on it. Step Three: Shake Weight it!

“movie where boy eats cat food”: If this is a movie, it’s either an odd porn or a depressing documentary. Pass either way.

“sexy esttail”: I would have more to say about this if I knew what an “esttail” was. Is it some kind of flounder?

“how to rough masturbate”: We JUST covered this. Is your dick still not covered in blisters yet?

“scat lauraino peidano”: Don’t know who Lauraino Peidano is but I bet she’s REAL pissed off that this is being searched.

“masturbating without portn”: Portn? Portn. Portn! Portn…

“dan drugged”: Why do you people want to see Pred3000 coked up with his pants around his ankles? That’s not anything that you might want.

“attack of the killer totamtos and vegetarianism”: I’m not sure what worries me the most about this term. The oddly specific nature of it, maybe. Maybe it’s the actual correct spelling of ‘vegetarianism’. Or maybe it’s the fact that ‘Totamtos’ sounds like a fucking Pokemon. Maybe all three.

“james harrison flexing biceps after hit”: Let me be clear. The Steelers can use the Terrible Towel to wipe the NFL’s NUTSACK.

“albert sousa horse rescue”: WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!

“boysfood masterbating encouraging”: I’m starting to sense a trend of what word brings people to this site.

“gulla gulla porn”: …ah fuck me. We brought this on ourselves.

“instantmonkeysonline.com”: Is this real? Seriously? I want to go check but I’m afraid it’d just lead right back here. All the same, there is NOTHING about that URL that can be anything other than mindblowingly amazing.

“lobster tube sex bbw women video .com”: I’m just going to let the utter absurdity of this just speak for itself. It’s like Ionesco and Stoppard had a fetal alcohol kid, fed it LSD and Viagra and hooked it up to the Internet.

“how much money will be needed to make a b movie?”: Well, enough to afford a camera, props, actors and a little hole to put your sanity in.

“babiesovernight.com radio transcript”: Again, I’m kind of stunned and confused as to whether this is real. A lot less awesome than the monkeys one though. This is less Instant Monkeys and more “child trafficking across the Mexican border”.

“bugs inside honey bunches of oats””: And now we’re in their system. Crap.

“fictional websites that are real”: Buh…huh…what? WHAT? Fictional websites ARE NOT REAL. Do you understand what fiction means?

“+scat +food +porn”: Basically, if you remove the plus signs from this search term, that is the nexus of all search terms for this site.

“younger tits cats seeking”: Moving right along…

“”get a blowjob” future-mother-in-law”: Okay, actually moving right along made things worse. Our readers are freaks.

“where does the feed exist in our world”: The Feed? What is The Feed? Is that some sort of sci-fi thing? Actually, fuck you. I’m taking it. Copyright, bitches!

“kitty frrrt comic”: Did they just ask if we linked to a comic where a cat audibly farts? Did I say our readers are freaks already?

“bafunny cupids”: Bafunny sounds like an ancient Toltec god of insanity. Cupid sounds like a little prick who should be roasted alive.

“tomorrow urinal worried surreptitious frightening lyrics”: …I think is this what it’s like to see in 5-D. Total mental collapse.

“2nd base passionately video perv”: And yes, once more, our readers are freaks.
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(I’m still pissed off at that joke, KT. – ed.)

Be pissed if you want. Ain’t my deal!

(That…what? – ed.)

Deuces, my douches!

(*sigh* – ed.)