Interview With An Unnamed Pornstar

Posted: November 3, 2010 by kaostheory in Interview
Tags: , , ,

It’s a rare and precious thing when we here at Dan Eats Cat Food get to conduct interviews. Most of the time, we have to fiddle around with jamming words together like monkeys fucking with blenders and various garden vegetables. Oftentimes, it results in humor but the failed experiments deserve more along the lines of extermination with gasoline and fire. We will freely admit that sometimes what we think is “funny” actually tends to skirt the lines of “criminally negligent” instead. The fact we have not been placed into federal custody is one of our little life victories, frankly. So you will forgive us, if you would, if sometimes our cupboard of funny goes bare in want of trying to instead defend our increasingly curious personal freedom. Thankfully, one of our many media contacts worked in our favor and managed to procure an interview for us with a porn star just entering the business. We really wanted it to go well. It…

Okay, simply put, we really made a mess of it. Like…royally. It’s not really…we can’t…look, it’s not something that just can be explained. You kind of have to watch the train wreck. We’ve done our best to transcribe it. Just…sorry.
Dan Eats Cat Food: Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to meet with us today.

Unnamed Pornstar: Oh, my pleasure. I must admit that it’s a little flattering to be asked for an interview this early in my career.

DECF: And what career is that again?

UP: Adult entertainment.

DECF: You mean porn?

UP: Uh…yes. I could be called a porn star. Well, not yet but soon.

DECF: Not yet?

UP: Well, no. I haven’t actually…performed on camera yet. Professionally, that is.

DECF: Does that mean tape of you performing does exist?

UP: (giggles) I have had boyfriends, you know. That’s what kind of got me into this field.

DECF: Your boyfriend got you into the field? What, does he owe bad people money? Is your vag just an ATM for him, the bastard?

UP: What? Oh, no no. (laughs) The experience of being on camera is what drew me to it. I don’t have a boyfriend at the moment.

DECF: Hot. Speaking of ATM…

UP: Yes?

DECF: Wait, that’s not getting me slapped?

UP: Should it?

DECF: In a reasonable universe, yes.

UP: I think I should be a little offended right now.

DECF: More than likely. So have you decided on a name you’ll go by in your fuckin’ videos?

UP: Uh, I’m trying to decide. I’m currently choosing between Sindee Slickbooty or Janey Smith.

DECF: The world always needs more slick booties.

UP: I’ll take that into consideration for sure.

DECF: So do your parents know you’re trying to get into a business where you take freakish cocks in various holes?

UP: I…my parents are going to support whatever life path I choose to go down.

DECF: Even if that includes getting throat-fucked while a forty-five year old stripper reams you with a strap-on?

UP: I’m…not particularly comfortable with this line of conversation.

DECF: Forgive me. I overstepped my bounds. So have you made friends with other whores yet?

UP: We are NOT whores, thank you very much. This is simply another way to make a living.

DECF: So is waiting tables or working at a gas station. You’re re-enacting last night at the El Dorado for cash.

UP: (stands up) I can leave right now…

DECF: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please sit down. I didn’t mean to offend.

UP: (sits down) It’s alright. Just…I’m a person too.

DECF: (laughs)

UP: (stands back up, offended)

DECF: So, have you made friends?

UP: (angrily) I’m pretty upset right now but I’ll be nice and answer a few more questions. Yes, I have. Some of the girls have let me come to the sets of their videos and sort of get a feel for how things run.

DECF: The only words I heard of that were “come” and “feel”. So do you all greet each other any special way? Tongue-kisses and genital groping perhaps?

UP: No. We shake hands or maybe hug, depends on how intimate we are. You know, like people do.

DECF: Right. So how many hours of the day are you drugged up? Eighteen? We have a bet going.

UP: Drugged up? Look, I don’t know what your impressions are of the industry but we’re not a bunch of addicts.

DECF: Come on. You’re telling me you’ve never done a line off a dude’s erect cock? That you haven’t slapped a sheet of acid on your cooze and let the good times roll?

UP: NO! Good God. I haven’t even had sex on camera yet.

DECF: Oh, that’s right. You’re a newbie. So have the other porners been receptive to meeting you and acknowledging your presence as one of the “new breed” of porn stars? The stars that will do anything – and I do mean ANYTHING – to get ahead?

UP: I…don’t get what you’re saying.

DECF: Come on. You’re telling me that there hasn’t been a LITTLE bit of resentment from the old guard about your willingness to inflate a latex glove with your ass?


DECF: You know, the old Alabama Flat Tire? The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

UP: I don’t know what those are.

DECF: (laughs) You don’t? Those are like…basic hazing in porn. I hope you’re not allergic to almonds.

UP: What does that have to do with…

DECF: I was in a porno once.

UP: (skeptically) You were?

DECF: Oh yeah. It was great. Small little production company. Graphicxs Productions, I think it was.

UP: Isn’t…isn’t that the company that was indicted for breaking countless obscenity laws?

DECF: So you’ve seen my video then!

UP: No…I just heard about…I think it was called “Broken Barndoor 4″…

DECF: That’s it! I was Slamfuck Steve!

UP: That was YOU?!

DECF: I thought you said you didn’t see it.

UP: I…didn’t. I just…maybe I saw a few clips here and there.

DECF: Sure.

UP: Did you really…you know…with the bottle and the chicken stock?

DECF: All me, baby. No CGI there.

UP: I…I don’t feel safe in the same room as you.

DECF: It was just a role I played. I got into it, that’s all. Just relax. So how old are you?

UP: Al…alright. I’m…nineteen.

DECF: Nice. Nice. So have you ever done something like this before?

UP: You…an interview? A couple times, yeah.

DECF: Hot. Very nice. Well, why don’t we start with taking your top off?

UP: What?!

DECF: It’s okay. Don’t be shy. They look very nice from here.

UP: What is wrong with you?

Background Voice: He’s fugueing! He’s hit his Porno Director state of mind! Run for your life! Ignore his exposed genitals!

DECF: Hah!


(At this point, the tape goes fuzzy – all that can be heard is banging, loud yelling, breaking glass and sirens)
(You want to explain what happened? – ed.)


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