Dan Eats Cat Food Presents: The Sitcom

Posted: October 21, 2010 by kaostheory in Dan Eats Cat Food Presents
Tags: ,

You just love doing this to me, don’t you?

(I don’t love it but… – ed.)

Seriously, this is just a shitty thing to put someone through.

(The Holocaust was a shitty thing to put someone through. The Spanish Inquisition was a shitty thing to put someone through. Ke$ha is a shitty thing to put someone through. This is simply a minor, mildly-traumatic blip on the radar. – ed.)

Simply? I have been in THERAPY for months now. Every time I do one of these damn things, I go through long periods of insomnia because I CAN’T STOP SEEING THESE THINGS IN MY HEAD. These are prematurely aging me.

(Don’t be hyperbolic. – ed.)

I’m NOT. My doctor said at my last checkup that I have the heart of a 60-year old man. With advanced cancer.

(I doubt that. – ed.)

I don’t. I have medical records, you bastard.

(Be that as it may, you’re still doing this so suck it up. – ed.)

At least it can’t be any worse than the cartoon. There’s no way it can. Let’s see what we have. Hrm. A sitcom? Really? We tried to produce a SITCOM? Why didn’t we just play with our balls in front of a TV camera for a half hour, call it art instead? Whatever. I’m halfway into a case of beer so I can deal with it. Bring it onnnnnnnn!
——
00:01: Okay this actually is opening pretty benignly. It’s a nice shot of an average family. The dad, mom, boy and girl and baby all seem quite pleasant. This is going better than I was expecting.

00:02: SHIT! What is it with our production staff and FUCKING STARTLING THE VIEWERS?! For whatever the hell reason, the family photo flashed for about two seconds and it was…wrong. It was in negative colors, there was blood everywhere, the family was all DEAD and a horrible face was painted in the background. Now it’s fine again and the music is coming to a close. I hate you all.

00:03: Well, we’re apparently in front of a “live” studio audience. That’s not a concerning fact whatsoever. I’m calling it right now. Something unrelentingly horrible is going to happen and they will just laugh and laugh and laugh.

00:05: Okay, the family is sitting around the breakfast table. It seems pretty calm for the moment. Dad is sitting and reading the paper. Mom is standing at the oven, cooking eggs. The boy and girl are sitting and munching on cereal and the baby is in its highchair, gurgling happily and making an unholy mess of its oatmeal. Typical. I am so scared of where this may go.

00:06: Annnnnnnnd there comes the turn. The daughter just said, and I quote, “Daddy? What does it mean if you were raped in your dreams by a being the very likes of which madness has never envisioned?” Awesome. This is what I needed. AND THE CROWD LAUGHED AND CHEERED. Did I NOT call this? Did I NOT say this would happen? I am going to turn this shit off before it gets any worse.

Never mind. Apparently, I am contractually obligated to watch and report on the rest of this. For the record, this is nothing but sanctioned torture. You are WATERBOARDING MY SOUL, YOU HEARTLESS ASSHOLES.

00:07: The dad didn’t even look up from his paper. He just mumbled something about now carrying the seed of the Dark Lord Cthulhu and transitioned into talking about the Pacers game. Is…is this a normal happening in the world? Like, “Oh, things happen. Junior failed a math test. Mom bought the wrong brand of milk. Lucy was sexually violated and impregnated by a creature from beyond the void and will now bring about the End of Days with her demonspawn”? I’m starting to notice a pattern in our shows. Innocuous situation followed by Satanic destruction. Frankly, it’s lazy writing.

(We know. We’re not happy with it either. – ed.)

00:10: Now we’re talking! The girl just levitated off the ground, babbling in tongues. Her eyes have gone red. Vomit is pouring out of her mouth through the babbling. Annnnnd her eyes are bleeding. These really are amazing special effects, I’ll say that. It’s annoyingly evil but good production values.

00:11: Wait…something’s wrong. The other actors are starting to look actually frightened. Like maybe this isn’t part of the script. The studio audience has gone quiet. Ed…Ed! Did you ACTUALLY get a girl possessed for this show? ED!

(Look, we can’t talk about it right now. – ed.)

00:12: Alright, this is definitely not scripted anymore. The dad just ran off-stage to get…something. The mom is curled up in the corner, holding on to the boy. That’s real fear. You can’t fake that shit. The girl, at this point, is flying around the set, her body crashing into the different pieces. She’s howling and it’s echoing very loudly. The audience, by the way, is laughing. God.

00:14: WHAT THE FUCK?! THE GIRL JUST SNAPPED HER GODDAMN NECK! Like she’s still talking and babbling but her head is resting on her fucking SPINE. Eurgh.

00:16: The dad’s back and he looks like he became a priest. Is he a priest? Those robes look pretty…not costume-like. He has a bag with him that looks like it’s packed with tools of some kind. Odd. The girl is now lying on the table, strapped down by the camera crew. Her stomach is starting to swell, almost like someone is blowing up a balloon. This is freaking physically unsettling to watch.

00:18: And it’s exorcism time. I really hate that this is not the first one that I’ve viewed. I hate more the fact that at this point I could freaking perform the ceremony. Blindfolded. With a Tonka truck.

00:19: Heh. I really don’t want to laugh but the sound tech somehow got it into his head to pipe in Slayer while the dad is performing…well, that’s not quite an exorcism, I guess…which makes the job that much more difficult. What a bastard, haha.

00:22: GAH! Her stomach just deflated and inflated again! What the hell?! Come on, TV father. Get that thing out of her!

00:25: That…that’s a lot of blood pouring out of her. Like, that’s more blood than a human body can reasonably contain. This is queasy-ing me out and shut the hell up, I know it’s not a word but I don’t care because it’s the best word for it.

00:27: Annnnnnnnnnnd there’s the child. “Child”, I guess. That thing looks like a cross between a clump of hair caught in a shower drain at a chemo kids’ dorm and a lost and found bin for stray teeth and animal parts. It’s screaming, but that basically goes without saying, and thrashing about like a squirrel fighting a lawnmower for supremacy over a backyard.

00:29: Well, that thing sure as shit is dead now. Wow. Tossed that fucker in a blender and hit puree. I don’t care if you’re the newborn son of a demon, ain’t nobody coming back from getting turned into Satanic smoothie. I’m just curious as to how they’re ending this horrible thing. An actress is dead, there was a live, on-air abortion of a devil and there’s Slayer playing in the background. How are they resolving this?

00:30: …you can’t be serious. They just had the mom say in a shaky voice, “Well…there goes the neighborhood.” and the crew, audience and cast burst out laughing. WHAT THE LIVING SHIT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?!
——
Just…don’t. Don’t say a word. We’re not talking about this, now or ever. I’m going to go for a walk, clear my head and then go drink Clorox straight from the bottle. Fuck you, Ed and fuck you, world.

Comments
  1. Christina says:

    I bow down humbly in the presence of such greeantss.

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