The Eight Stages of the Loss of Internet Access

Posted: October 14, 2010 by kaostheory in Rants, Slice of Life
Tags: , , ,

In this modern world, we as human beings – and we here at DECF especially as comedy writers – thrive and almost depend on ready, waiting and infinite Internet at our fingertips. We all subsist on a constant, steady diet of social networking, time-wasting websites, email programs, sports game updates, webcomics, game cheat sites, YouTube videos, online dating and, of course, mass quantities of pornography, almost always free and/or easily downloadable. It becomes as much a part of our daily routine – indeed, our LIFE – as eating, sleeping, having sex or consuming pornography. So what, then, happens when that access, that lifeblood becomes severed? Becomes removed and unavailable? If you were to go without eating, you would lose weight and eventually turn into Lindsay Lohan. If you were to go without sleeping, you would become pale and sickly and exhausted and eventually turn into Lindsay Lohan. If you were to go without sex, you would have your testes swell to near-gargatuan proportions and then explode and eventually turn into Sean Penn. Well, we here at DECF are willing to help you out. There are eight steps in coping with it and we would like to share those with you today. We just need to indulge in pornography first. It’ll be just a few minutes.
——
Step One: Confusion: Surely something must be wrong. Why, just a moment ago that little icon in the very corner of the screen was happy and blue, the little circle indicating that the wireless connection was raging like a teenage hard-on in Victoria’s Secret. Seriously, I was literally JUST working on editing together a YouTube video to surreptitiously piece together a music video to showcase my balls playing in the NBA. I need to get this done. The people must see this! They must hear the siren call of my ballsack in a throwback Kings jersey! This is important, damn it! There must be some kind of mistake, a momentary glitch in the system. It’s okay. It happens. Nothing can be perfect. It should be back in just a second. Any second now.

Step Two: Realization: The Internet connection is gone. It’s left you. What did you do to so upset it so, you bastard? Did you hit it? Did it show up at work the next day with a black eye and a split lip, claiming that it tripped over a dog toy and fell down the stairs? Did you scream at it while you were drunk, calling it a whore and accusing it of sleeping with Fred, that goddamn taxidermist the next town over? Or was it a more passive neglect? Did you tell it you loved it anymore? Did the lovemaking lose all its passion? Did you even make love anymore? Did you just opt to sit and watch the Rangers game while drinking whiskey instead of engaging in foreplay? Frankly, I don’t blame it for leaving you.

Step Three: Anger: Are you serious? FUCK THIS THING! FUCK THIS SHIT! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! GODDAMN SHIT ASS-BITCH CUNT AIDS RAGE! I WILL SHIT ON ITS GRAVE AND ON ITS FACE! I WILL DIG ITS CORPSE UP AND SHIT ON IT AND THEN PISS ON THE CORPSE! YOU ASSHOLE! YOU DICK! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! FUCK YOU! Please come back. FUCK YOUR ASSHOLE! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAGH!

Step Four: Bargaining: Okay. Okay, I’m cool now. It’s cool. Okay. Alright, Internet fate. Let’s talk bargain here. You give me my Internet back immediately and I’ll stop fucking around with it. I won’t just leave the computer all on night, sucking up those precious Internet juices. I won’t intentionally troll the Net for sites to test out my antivirus and give it a nice workout. I won’t even leave porn up all day, coming and going as is my wont. Okay? Is that an acceptable deal for you? I’ll give you all that if you just bring my Internet back right now. Now. Okay how about…now? Are you listening?

Step Five: Anger: OKAY! THAT’S HOW IT’S GONNA BE, HUH? YOU FUCKSTICK! I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU THE WORLD BUT YOU JUST IGNORE ME LIKE SOME MENSTRUATING WATERFOWL? FUCK YOU! YOU DON’T WANT TO PLAY NICE? FINE! FINE! I CAN HANDLE THAT! I WAS JUST GOING TO LET YOU OFF THE HOOK BUT NOW? NOW IT’S TIME TO GO! WE CAN PLAY HARDBALL, YOU BLEEDING ASS-SACK! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I DECIDED TO JUST PUT A FUCKING AXE THROUGH YOU, HUH? WOULD THAT BE FUN? THAT’D BE FUN FOR ME, THAT’S FOR FUCKING SURE!

Step Six: Depression: It’s never coming back, is it? I’m going to be without my Internet forever. Lord, I miss it. I do. I know I never really treated it as well as I should have, but I didn’t think it was going to leave me. I thought we would just go back and forth, sniping at each other but always with love in it forever. I can say it now. I miss it. I do. I don’t want to, but I do. I should have taken more pictures. I should have downloaded more porn. I should have written more articles. And now I will never have that chance again. Damn it. I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.

Step Seven: Anger: YOU BITCH! WHY DID YOU LEAVE? WHY? I NEED YOU, YOU WHORE! I NEED YOU! BUT YOU LEFT AND I’M REELING! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME? I’M A WRECK! I’M A MESS! I’M DRINKING MYSELF TO DEATH AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! WHEN I DIE AND LEAVE A BLOATED, WHISKEY-DRENCHED CORPSE, YOU WILL BE TO BLAME AND I WILL BE SURE TO NOTE THAT IN MY SUICIDE NOTE! THAT’S RIGHT! I’M COMMITTING SUICIDE BECAUSE OF YOU AND I’M NOT EVEN GAY SO IT’S NOT FUCKING TRENDY! THAT’S RIGHT! FUCK YOU!

Step Eight: Accep…Oh Wait, It’s Back: Neat! Okay, cool. Let’s do this. Back to the porn downloading. I heard they have some good shit I don’t have my hands on yet.
——
(Are…are you okay with that joke? – ed.)

Which joke?

(You KNOW which joke. – ed.)

No?

(Just…forget it. If we don’t get hate mail over this, we never will. Let’s see how this turns out. – ed.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s