How To Do Halloween The Dan Eats Cat Food Way

Posted: October 6, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative

Since you people – by which I mean our fans, few and far between but loyal – seem to require our help when determining how to properly do up holidays so that you don’t look like you completely misunderstand the point of the celebration (such as the few pictures we have received showing disastrous results from the Fourth of July and Veteran’s Day….gruesome work), we are, as always, your servants and are here to help you out. Bear in mind, if you will, the fact that these little do-it-yourself tips generally can be considered somewhat…unorthodox, so please take these with a large grain of salt.

(Like…the entire lake in Utah. – ed.)

Indeed, so without further ado and because we want to keep this damn thing on life support as long as we can…here are some ways to have fun at Halloween, the Dan Eats Cat Food way.
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Why not start the holiday out right with a little bloody decoration? Give the kids – and the cops – of the neighborhood a nice scare by coating your front yard with blood and body parts as you run a chainsaw and laugh like a lunatic! Make sure you really get into the role by starting this up about the middle of September. Give people time to really notice your madness. If you’re not arrested and/or in a mental asylum, you’ve won.

Even better, trying faking your own death. Do this around six or seven at night – the peak trick-or-treating time for little kids – and make it count. Paint up a mannequin to pretty exact detailing of your face, clothe it just like you, go to the top of your house, wrap a noose around its neck and toss it off, keeping it far enough away from the people to make it look like its real. To complete the ruse, start jerking the body to and fro, simulating its last breathes. Hell, make it a business and work with psychiatrists around town to get a little bonus for every traumatized kid that starts coming to see them because they’ve started wetting the bed again at eleven years old.

Those kids that are troopers and make it past the Yard of Horror and the Dead Homeowner deserve a little treat beyond just a bite-size Snickers or a popcorn ball. There’s an easy solution. Malt liquor! What kid’s NOT going to like a big ol’ Colt 45 or King Cobra weighing down his plastic pumpkin, begging to be taped to his hands and poured out on the curb for his homies? An ungrateful little fuck, that’s who!

Now, you want to make sure they don’t have razor blades in…oh wait, how about fortified wine instead? Thunderbird the little bastards!

Of course, since you’re an adult now, it’s time to start getting into party-planning. You might try starting out with a rousing game of Murder the Drifter. That’s where you get a nice large group of people together, get them all liquored up, find a drifter walking by and murder him. It’s a laugh riot.

If murder isn’t your thing, what about Naked Twister? Everyone is allowed to keep on one piece of costume – underwear and pants disallowed – and you spin the color wheel, praying things work out. Last person to end up penetrated in some fashion wins and has to fetch the next set of drinks for the rest of the crowd. Orgasms are immediate disqualifications, by the way.

Parties aren’t any fun without alcohol, so make sure you stock up on fun and themed drinks. Try Swamp Water, which is basically tequila and Apple Pucker poured into a bowl and mixed until it gets the proper cloudy brownish-green color. Keep pouring more until this is achieved. You could also try Type O Positive, which is cherry liqueur and scotch and food coloring. Remind the guests that they have in fact consumed red food coloring so they don’t go to the ER after vomiting up bright red (a.k.a. arterial color blood…or is it venous? Who the hell knows? The bad one…with oxygen in it).

No party is complete without turning out all the lights and telling spooky stories. There are thousands of stories to choose from. The hook hand in the door handle. The ghost that hitches a ride home late at night. The blood on the bathroom mirror. The psycho licking a girl’s hand. The koala breaking in through an upstairs window.

What. Halloween stories, man. You know them. Urban legends designed to frighten, get the heartrate going, excite the blood and incite arousal or a surrogate thereof.

No. That last story. Repeat that. The koala breaking in through an upstairs window?

I haven’t heard that one. Oh. Well…you should have. It’s been around for ages and is as true tonight as it was any other night.

IS THAT BREAKING GLASS?! Probably. You might want to consider running. It’s in the house.

But…but…OH FUCK, SHELLEY IS UP THERE! Man, she’s already dead. Save yourself.

Hey guys? I’m…going to go to the bathroom. That TOP is getting to me, I think. Seriously dude? You’re going to pull this shit again? Running to the bathroom like a little girl, leaving everyone else to suffer because of one mistake that you committed months ago?

Shut the fuck up. You don’t know what it’s like. AND YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT! I said no such thing.

Liar! Hey, is that screaming?

Oh no. No no no. Do you want me to check it out? See if the coast is clear?

I… It’s cool. I’ll do it. I’ll be back in just a WHOA HOLY FUCK!

What? Oh man. I have never seen that much blood in my life and I’ve been in active combat. That is EVERYwhere.

Do…do you see the koala? Oh I see him, alright. He’s gnawing contendedly on the head of that blonde chick. Polly, I think it was.

Oh my God… And he’s not alone either.

WHAT?! Yeah, there’s another thing there. Did you piss off any other animals at the zoo?

I…may have flipped off the aardvark cage while I was there. Ah. Well that explains that then. There’s one of those out there. Any others?

…the platypus cage too…and the sloth pen…and the pelicans in the harbor. Yep, that about covers it. Well…you’re boned. Hope they don’t find you. See you.

YOU’RE LEAVING?! Ain’t my dick they want to eat. Peace.
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(That was certainly…interesting. – ed.)

It WAS, wasn’t it? Show up every week, fans, for more Dan Eats Cat Food-y greatness. Same Cat place. Same Cat channel.

(I hate you. – ed.)

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