More Rejected Video Game Cut Scenes

Posted: October 1, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , ,

Some people don’t like video games. I know, it’s a terrifying thought but it’s completely true. Some people think they are childish. Some think that they are a product of immature minds and sensibilities. Even some snobby-ass movie critics that look like goldfish at this point in their lives won’t put any stock in considering video games as any valid form of art. Of course, cinema is art. Movies are art. Books are art too. That makes a lot of sense. Games like Shadow of the Colossus or Assassin’s Creed where you have beautifully designed, lush, gorgeous landscapes aren’t art, but what those escaped Down Syndrome mental patients Friedberg and Seltzer create by slapping their tequila-stained dicks on hunks of animal intestine IS art. Games like Red Dead Redemption where you can be moved to tears by such deep character development aren’t art, but books like Twilight which literally prey on the clinical mass retardation and the onset of menstruation in little girls by introducing names and characters that are nothing more than empty shells for lonely fat girls to inhabit ARE art. Okay.

(Easy, KT. Take it easy on those Stellas. – ed.)

No, it’s really okay, Ed. Because in my search to find the perfect vessel in which to deposit my tainted seed, I actually managed to come across more rejected cut scenes from video games. If these aren’t art, well…okay they probably aren’t but fuck you, we’re going to prove the critics right. I guess.
Gears of War 2: After the exhausting events of this game, all members of the battalion are given two weeks’ leave to rest and recover. We find out in the epilogue that Dom and Marcus take a trip together to the Bahamas, where they spend their time drinking and laying out on the beach. As they unwind, they begin to open up and discuss their feelings. One night, after a few bottles of wine at dinner and a particularly emotional conversation, the two passionately kiss, transforming their relationship and the rest of the series into something darker.

(Rejected: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell precludes this from happening but even if it didn’t, it’d still be rejected. People don’t want to see two big burly men make out. They want to see CHICKS make out, preferably while in the shower or playing idly with the protagonist’s dick. Come on.)

Left 4 Dead: A close call with a rampaging Tank leaves Zoey tearful and desperate for physical affection so that she can feel a sense of any kind of safety. Latching on to Louis, she proceeds to fellate him as Bill and Francis look on. Soon, the two others have joined in, creating an “airtight” situation. As zombies rage and fight and bite outside, thirsting for their tasty, tasty brains, new, violent love is made with this Left 4SOME Dead.

(Rejected: First off, nobody is going to be okay with an “airtight” situation, okay? Secondly…Left 4Some Dead? Really? Jesus, Gary.)

Mass Effect 2: One of the many, many dialogue trees creates the option for Shepard to sleep with Yeoman Kelly Chambers. That’s in the actual game. Well, eventually, you can get her to come up to his room and dance in this incredibly slutty red costume. That’s in the actual game too. So here’s my thought. You have the ability to fuck her on the bridge, in full combat gear, right in front of Joker as you flip him off and do a little dance.

(Rejected: Aside from that being incredibly inappropriate – the potential for Shepard’s dick to get clipped off by an errant piece of armor notwithstanding – and probably creating some serious censorship problems, I don’t think the ESRB is going to look too kindly on a handicapped pilot being mocked ruthlessly by his commanding officer through backdoor sex and random leg movements.)

Rock Band:Coke, groupies, a bar fight and one of the members dies.

(Rejected: I wish I didn’t have to say no to this one because that could be a hell of a lot of fun, but we have little kids playing the game, ostensibly. Do you want to be the one to explain to angry parents why their little Donnie is suddenly so unrelentingly anguished over letting his “high meter” get too over the top or why Consuela is discussing which digital slut’s pussy is tighter? I think not. Pass.)

Star Fox 64: The entire time you play, Slippy screams at you for some undefinable reason, driving the player closer and closer to the brink of unceasing madness. That high-pitching, horrifying wail. From the depths of the netherworld it comes. Every waking minute is filled with the screams of this damned soul and you can do nothing. A mute button only hinders you as you cannot hear commands from your other teammates. Life is hell. Eventually you find out that the stupid fucker has accidentally gotten his dick caught in the gas tank.

(Rejected: A little too dark for what we’re going for, but it does explain a lot more than you’d think it would. Call this one a maybe.)

Goldeneye: Okay. This one is going to be more of a thinking man’s change. This is how it goes down. You play the entire game thinking that the main bad guy is Alec Trevelyan. It turns out that the person controlling HIM is…wait for it…Yakov Smirnoff!

(Rejected: Do you not see the problem with this one? Jesus, Gary.)

Donkey Kong: DK becomes a tragic figure. He awakes at the start of the game to find that poachers have kidnapped him and his family, except for Diddy Kong, who in a fit of anger and rabies had bitten the arm off of one of the hunters. His tattered corpse lies on the floor of the truck. The only thing to eat back there is one small, green, hard banana. Before the game actually begins and you go fight King K. Rool or whoever the fuck is the villain, you have to murder your family, the poachers and anyone else that stands in the way of you returning to your homeland. It’s a game WITHIN a game.

(Rejected: Way too meta for a kid’s game. And what kid is going to want to have to take into his own hands the responsibility of mercy-killing his own family? Are you trying to create sociopaths? Because that’s how you create sociopaths.)

Metroid: Samus is a dude.

(Rejected: I like it! But the HR department is demanding that we introduce more female characters into the market. What do they want? We gave them Lara Croft and the Rape-Matic 1994. What else can we give them? Eh. Whatever. They’re probably all on their periods anyway.)

Space Invaders: We don’t make this about aliens at all. Instead, we turn it into a psychological thriller about a pervert who constantly sneaks into a girl’s house and watches her sleep. Invading her space, get it?

(Rejected: That’s called Twilight. Do you want to get us sued? Jesus, Gary.)
I done good?

(You done…acceptable. Go have another beer. – ed.)

Yay beer!

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