The Oddest Search Results Leading to Dan Eats Cat Food: Quadfest

Posted: September 23, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , ,

Apologies for not providing you your Wednesday entertainment per usual yesterday. KaosTheory had to go and be a big man and become another year older and another year closer to the grave. In this course of his celebrating his slow, plodding walk towards death, he straight up just forgot he had responsibilities. The situation has been remedied and he will no longer have birthdays. We feel this will be an adequate compensation for you not getting your entertainment on time. As well, we will be providing today’s list (the fourth in the series) as 1.5 times longer than the previous ones. Do try to enjoy this sadly late installment, won’t you?
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“a water cycle comics”: Are we talking about comics written ABOUT the water cycle? Because…holy crap, that shit would be boring.

“fuck your soul”: I don’t quite know what this one means although I’m certain that it would probably cost double at some brothel.

“wecatbakdan”: This one actually makes me smile a bit. I picture this slow guy yelling this to his troops. “WE CA’T BAK D’AN!”

“rough porn guide”: Sorry, friend. We no longer produce that guide as we’ve found that it leaves us legally liable for sexual assault. Apologies!

“i am the doctor”: Then what the hell are you doing online! Shouldn’t you be off somewhere saving lives and writing illegible prescriptions?

“what are awesome things to do?”: Sex, booze, driving fast, explosions and respecting your elders. Bitch.

“daniel p. orner”: P. Orner is the BEST legal name for someone who represents the sex industry in court. Yes it is.

“adult daughter eats catfood you tube”: What the hell is it about this site that continues to bring in visitors who want to see their DAUGHTERS and CAT FOOD? And videos? What the hell are you putting on the Net, you sick freak?

“cat the inferno”: Okay, if I ever get a cat of my own when I actually live by myself one day, this is going on the short list of names to call the furry little bastard, for sure.

“pissy tins”: Pissy tins. You want to see something called pissy tins. PISSY. TINS. What the FUCK?

“retard velociraptor”: This would be an AMAZING band name, first off. Secondly, the mental image that this produces is really funny. A big old raptor stumbling along behind the rest of the pack, refusing to stay silent and tripping over turtles and shit in the middle of the jungle, noises like parrots with laryngitis coming from its throat.

“mistresses scat tasks”: These should not be on the Internet. These should be written in a bold, flowing script inside a crisply-bound notebook, put away inside a hidden drawer in the giant oak desk sitting in the den and THE HOUSE SHOULD BE SET ON FUCKING FIRE.

“rapeasaurus horse potato”: I mean, that just says it all, doesn’t it? Those are words to live by. My life is changed. I think I found inner peace.

“i masturbate to food porn”: This either means that he watches shows on the Food Network and rubs one out or he likes seeing people fucking with peanut butter and applesauce. I don’t really know which is a more distasteful option.

“compell to eat scat vids”: Correct me if I’m wrong, but even WITH the misspelled word in the phrase, this still means to forcibly feed someone SHIT by ramming it down their throat or, worse, threatening their family if they don’t do it, right? Because…damn.

“dan gulla screenwriter”: Oh boy. This could may well lead to some legal problems down the road. I can see them coming already.

“albert sousa horse meat”: There’s a whole lot wrong with this one. First off, I don’t recall there ever being anything about Sousa on this blog. Secondly, his first name was John Philip, not Albert. Thirdly, I don’t see how horse meat really enters into the equation…well…anywhere. Ever. And finally, and probably most unsettlingly, THIS WAS SEARCHED MORE THAN ONE TIME. THIS DAMN SEARCH RESULT CAME UP NO LESS THAN FOUR TIMES on the list. FOUR. “albert sousa horse meat” was a desired result that led to this blog no less than FOUR TIMES. Who the HELL needs to see this shit FOUR TIMES? WHO NEEDS IT ONCE?!

“old felony can i goto japan?”: I mean, you could give it your best shot. They may not let you in though. I mean, if Paris Hilton can’t even get in due to one measly little coke charge, what the hell chance does a nobody like you have?

“grinding noise when cat eats”: Well, I was hoping I wasn’t going to be the one to have to break it to you, buddy, but your cat is actually a high-powered food disposal unit. And when you’re “feeding” it? Well…your neighbors are going to start missing their dog any time now. And their kindergartener. You might want to hire a good attorney.

“jan.5, 2009 cowboy eating cat”: I’m really not particularly comfortable with the explicit dating of act in question. It’s like they were looking for archival footage which is…we don’t offer that here and I’m glad we don’t. Because it’s weird.

“what if you have two felonies”: That means that you have less than three but two more than the normal, functional members of society. You know, the people that can vote and get any job they want and generally aren’t looked at with suspicion the rest of their natural lives? You know…NOT you.

“divorced and living with mother who eats”: I’d rather you live with your mom who eats. If you lived with your mom who didn’t eat, you would in fact be Norman Bates.

“teats ass monkey comic”: Again, are you asking about a comic that deals with the teats and ass of a monkey? Or are you implying that the monkey would have a comic routine in which it bared its teats and ass?

and finally

“always dress well three piece suit fine”: Well, hell! This is one we can agree on, partner! Damn straight, rock the three piece suit.
——
And that’s that. Once again, these are all completely true and accurate search results that lead to this page. I’m going to sign us off before Ed gets all pissy so DEUCES, BITCHES!

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