Kitchen Talk

Posted: September 1, 2010 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , ,

Yes, we cook. What of it? Cooking is both incredibly manly – enough to give weak dudes a set and non-weak dudes an EXTRA set, which means we each have like…seven sets of stones – and is 28% more likely to get you laid if you talk about it. Even more so, you get to wear awesome aprons, go on shows, get screamed at…wait, maybe not quite that far. Still, cooking DOES make you more sexually desirable and that has been verified by no less than four actual, real-life women. True facts. Anyways, we figured we’d give you a little peek into the world of Dan Eats Cat Food cooking so you can see just how we get down. KT, lay it down.
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Chicken Empanadas: I know, I know. I know what you’re going to say. “But Kaos! Empanadas are intended to only be used as appetizers. Like chicken fingers! Or a fifth of bourbon!” I hear you, fictional people. I really do. But you gotta understand. It was something to do and I was enamored with them because Superfly and I got some free at N9ne Steakhouse when we rolled through Vegas. Don’t get me wrong. These were still some pretty bitchin’ empanadas. They were all “Hey dude” and I was all “What up?” and they were all “Eat us” and I was all “I’m down” and then they were all “BAM! Cumin, motherfucker!”. It was awesome. Chicken wasn’t shredded though, which was my bad. You gotta make that chicken all torn to shit and THEN wrap it so it can bake in the pastry. You live, you learn.

Crab Rangoon: Now these are way tasty, but a pain in the ass to make. You gotta mix up the crab filling which, let’s be honest here, is so damn tasty that you could just get a spoon and gorge yourself on it straight up, even though that would make you a fat-ass loser with bowel problems. From the straight filling, of course. But once you get that all mixed up, you have to peel individual sheets of the thin-ass pastry and then fill them so that they’re full but not overflowing (a task not for the faint of heart, mind you). After that comes the worst part. You have to use a tiny-ass brush to wet down the edges which WILL make your fingers sticky and unpleasant (not unlike…well…you know). Damn tasty after being baked though. Damn tasty. Sweet and sour sauce really brings out the flavor in them so…you know…use that.

Red Lobster Biscuits: Don’t ask me how I got this recipe. It involves stuff that you probably shouldn’t know, mainly because it would make you an accessory to a bunch of different things. But trust me on this: it’s the real deal. It’s legit. And awesome. I’m not going to tell you how to do it. You can find the recipe yourself. But I tell you, there is NOTHING that these biscuits won’t make better. Steak? Better. Pork? Better. Chicken? Better. Sex? Probably better although I haven’t gotten a chance to try that little thing out yet. I’m assuming better though.

Soy Chicken: Straight up easy cooking. Mix up a little soy sauce, sugar and other shit, boil it until hot, drop chicken tenders in, flip the bitches four times, pull them out and serve them on buttered rice. Nothing difficult about it at all. Unless, of course, you’re retarded, but I can’t help you there.

Now those four foods are pretty easy to make. Maybe a little bit of labor required on them but generally pretty low on the challenge meter. These next four, though, they take some real effort.

Manicotti: Okay, maybe this is easy if you’re fucking Italian. But guess what? I’m not fucking Italian! So it takes some work. It’s not so much mixing up the cheese filling mixture – which incidentally is even better tasting than the crab rangoon stuff – or even cooking the noodles which basically look like thick yellow condoms missing an end. Those parts are just fine, even kind of fun. It’s FILLING the damn things that is so time consuming. You have to cut the corner off a plastic bag and use it like a tube of frosting to squirt your still-warm, white semi-liquid into the hot, waiting hole of the pasta. Is anyone else turned on right now?

Chicken Breasts Stuffed with Shiitake Mushrooms and Provolone Cheese: NOW we’re fucking talking. Nice and complicated. Actually, to be perfectly honest, it’s not even that hard. Just chop up the mushrooms and cheese and stuff the cut-open chicken breasts with them. What you don’t expect is how damn TASTY it is. Seriously. You wouldn’t think that something with the a word reminiscent of SHIT in it would be good, but damned if it just doesn’t make the chicken moist and tender and add a salty bite that’s…well…fantastic. I call A+ on myself for making this one.

Portobello and Beef Burgers with Celery/Green Apple Slaw: First off, let me say that if these are done correctly, they’re amazing. Gotta warn you though. They are DENSE as SHIT. Especially if you make them full 1/2 pounders. Word from one who now knows: drain the fucking mushroom/onion mix before blending it in with the beef. Otherwise it gets way too wet and doesn’t cook properly, leading them to fall apart. And I know, I know. You think that the slaw sounds nasty. Normally I would agree with you but – no shit – it actually enhances the flavor of the burger. It’s sweeter and not as bitter as regular cabbage-y coleslaw. Although next time, I want to use buffalo. Fuck the Great Plains. Give me my prairie cow, you assholes.

Finally, we have the Thyme Roasted Pork Chops with Serrano Ham Vinaigrette: You want nastily hard? You got it with this one. Do you know how hard it is to MAKE your own vinaigrette? I’ll give you a hint. IT’S REALLY FUCKING HARD. You have to waste bacon. No, you didn’t misread it. For this stuff, you actually want the bacon GREASE. The actual meat can just go fuck off somewhere. That is so alien to every sense of my being a man. Oh! And you waste ham too. I know! You don’t need the ham, just the ham flavor. It’s like you slaughter a pig then say “Oh you know what? Fuck this pig. I don’t like it anymore”. It’s LIKE THAT! It’s damn good though. I mean, pork chops are pork chops. It’s the sauce that will ass-fuck you if you aren’t careful. Be warned.
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(Were you DRUNK writing this one? – ed.)

Y-no.

(Which is it? – ed.)

Maybe?

(Well, that about answers that one right there. – ed.)

Yay cooking!

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