Rejected Soft And Energy Drink Brands

Posted: August 25, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: ,

Good news, everybody! The court system of San Diego County recently reached a decision in the San Diego v. Dan Eats Cat Food case from way back in March. We won! As it turns out, so many grievous errors were made by the prosecution – most glaring being that the deposition referred to Daniel Consumes Feline Eatables – which we are not – that the court had no option but to find in favor of us and order the prosecution to pay back our court costs. So, long story short, we made it out of that whole predicament with our heads held high, our records clean and – since we represented ourselves – some extra cash to burn.

So how did we handle the very rare situation of our wallets being flush with greenbacks? Did we buy stock in companies that will surely grow as the economy im…improv…improv…ha! Even typing that, that can’t be said with a straight face. Anyways, no. Did we give it all to charity in a sign of good faith to the courts that we have reformed our wicked ways? Absolutely not. Did we pay our long-suffering employees for their tireless labor in finding ways to exploit legal loopholes? Well…no.

So what DID we do? Simple.

We invested in a soft drink company and came up with some new ideas!

Anyways, long story short, we’re due back in court on Monday, this time in New Jersey. And Minneapolis. And Phoenix. Yeah. Oh wait. Hold on.

Annnnnnnnnd Idaho…for some reason. Awesome.

In any case, it’s probably prudent to release the list of drinks that we produced. If you have at all consumed any of them, please contact your nearest health professional and may God have mercy on your soul.
——
First up, we attempted to latch on to that demographic that enjoys consuming things with sexually suggestive names. For instance, Bawls. Unfortunately, our “tag team” brands didn’t quite work out as well as we thought it would. It turns that that while Bawls allows for jokes that mentally enhance the flavor of the drink, people are not quite as enthusiastic about names such as Paeniz or Vuhjeyenah. And don’t get us started on the miserably failed “Put our Paeniz in your mouth!” campaign. That may have actually decreased sales, to be honest.

Our next effort was not a whole lot better. We’re starting to learn that basic honesty is not the best policy. But you know, that’s just us. We like to be straight with people. When we create a drink called Loaded With Fucking Sugar, we’re saying that, hey, you know what? This drink is loaded with fucking sugar so…you know…be a little judicious drinking it, yeah? But no. Apparently that’s out of line. Fascists.

Also, people aren’t really a big fan of stuff that references the bottling process. We found that out the hard way when Hey, Just A Heads-Up: This Was Bottled Right Next To A Vat Of Rat Poison So Watch Out crashed and burned. It was the same problem with the whole bugs thing for the cereal. We thought it was pertinent information. Apparently that is not so.

The next misfire was a complete and total miscommunication on our part. We take full responsibility for the…several dozen hospitalizations that occurred due to stupid kids mainlining our new energy drink titled Black Tar Heroin. We knew that the drink “Cocaine” existed…hell, we even tried it once. It burned the back of our throats. But since we bought it only because of the name, we expected that the same sort of thing would fuel sales. We were right but the ensuing charges didn’t help us.

Then there was Twitter. It was meant to be cute and to attach our name to the social networking program. It was not meant to cause grievous heart palpitations. That’s…about all there is with that.

Let’s see. What was next? Ah, right! Alcohol. It was less of an energy drink and more of not even in any way an energy drink and more of actual grain alcohol colored purple using dye that may or may not have been street legal. How can DYE not be street legal? Your guess is as good as ours.

Oh, this next one was fun. Didn’t even get out of marketing. Cummingbird Light. You can figure out what the opposition was. That’s right. They objected to “light” being attached without us creating first an actual brand. Pedants.

We’re still a little surprised that Grandpa Jim’s Homestyle Caffeinated Beverage didn’t work out. Although, in retrospect, perhaps a Morgan Freeman lookalike clad only in overalls chugging a bottle with Xs on it with a frenzied look in his eye may have sent the wrong impression. THIS wasn’t an alcoholic drink. The Xs may have appeared to promote that. Damn the luck.

Now this last one…we cannot for the life of us see what was wrong with this one. It was called Overdose, it was bright orange and it contained just under the lethal limit for caffeine and sugar. UNDER the limit! We weren’t over. Granted, this drink made the walls sparkle and inanimate objects change shape and begin speaking to you. That was NOT because of the caffeine and sugar. We will maintain that until the day we die. It was not. It was simply due to the trace amounts of LSD that somehow found their way into every batch of Overdose. That’s ALL.
——
As we said last time, we are NOT trying to harm our consumers! That’s bad business. We simply wanted to create the best drinks we could for the cheapest price we could muster. Simple as that.

(And you don’t see any issue with that? – ed.)

No?

(Well, that pretty much explains why we’re going to have to go to court. Again. I never thought I would have to speak that phrase more than like…twenty times in my life MAX. But I guess I earned it for trusting you with money. – ed.)

Yes you did! Yes you most certainly did. DEUCES!

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