Dan Eats Cat Food Enters The Fairy Tale Kingdom: Part One

Posted: August 1, 2010 by kaostheory in Fairy Tale
Tags: ,

A short time ago, in a place not too far from here, there was a boy. A boy looking to go on a magic…

(Wait. Wait wait wait. Hold on a damn minute here. What are you doing? – ed.)

Uh, it’s called setting the scene, Ed. It’s an integral part of effective storytelling.

(Fine. WHY are you doing? – ed.)

Because I have a story to tell. I figure that we can go exploring another world again as we…

(NO! Holy crap, absolutely not. Are you like…clinically retarded or something? Do you remember what happened last time? – ed.)




(Do you remember how it took way longer and way more effort than you were expecting to pull it off? – ed.)


(Good, so you understand why we are not – NOT – going to explore another world. Not now. Not ever. – ed.)

Fine. Just let me…


(YOU SON OF A – – ed.)
The young man sat up and stretched as he attempted to take in his surroundings. He could scarcely see the sky through the towering treetops, though what he could see was dark and expansive. Moonlight shone through the cracks in the treetops, illuminating the clearing he sat in. The forest around him seemed to stretch for miles and miles and he could sense no way of leaving his clearing. Confused and a bit frightened, he called out.

“Hello? Is anyone out there? Where am I?”

The only response he got was a resounding silence. After a few minutes of fruitless yelling, he flopped onto his back and placed his left arm over his eyes. Quietly, he began to verbally collect his thoughts.

“Alright. Hold it together, Ken. You just woke up in a strange place where there is no living creature around and no clear way to escape. Did you do something really wrong? Are you dead? Is this what Hell is like?”

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by quiet giggling and a voice that sounded something akin to Prince on helium.

“My goodness! What an odd fellow! Speaking to himself as if he were the only one alive! Very odd indeed.”

The young man jumped at that, scrambling backwards away from the voice, looking frantically around for the source of the mysterious voice. Right in front of him, he quickly saw, a few bizarre creatures stared at him, confusion in their faces. One appeared to be an extremely large toad – nearly the size of a full-grown heifer, yet purply-blue and with wings. Another, a curious little fellow – almost a cat but with much longer legs – wearing a yellow tunic and smoking a hookah. The middle creature, however, was the one that spoke, a clear ringleader. It was what one could imagine a teddy bear being crossed with a hedgehog. It wore a tan-colored suit and top hat and a small, gold pince-nez balanced on its nose. It made eye contact with the young man and its face split in what was ostensibly a smile.

“Do not be afraid, young man. I am Mr. Nubbins and these are my friends Cal Jack and Efrem,” he said, gesturing to the cat and the toad, respectively.

“H…hi. I’m…”

“Oh hush hush, new friend! Do not say your real name. Choose your own! Let your own imagination be your only limitation!”

“Uh…o…kay. I’m…uh…Noturmos.”

“What are you, a fag?”

“Excuse me?!”

“I said ‘Please keep choosing’ since that name is so…stigmatized in our society.”

“Stigmatized how? And what society?”

“JUST CHOOSE A NAME!” the creature thundered. The young man looked at him, a bit more frightened than he was before. Mr. Nubbins – as the young man now knew the creature – coughed and smiled again, nodding for the young man to continue.

“Alright…uh. Call me…oh I got it! Call me K. Oz Terry. KT for short.”

“Pleased to meet you, KT!” Nubbins exclaimed, extending its paw. The young man – KT – noticed with a moment of apprehension that Nubbins’ hand was just that – a nubbin. In fact, all his limbs terminated in the very same rounded edge. Nubbins laughed.

“Do not worry. Though I possess only nubs – per my name – they are as fully functional and dextrous as human hands.”

“So…if you have nubs because your name is Mr. Nubbins, what does, say, a guy named Long Richie have?” KT laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

“Godhood,” Cal Jack grumbled behind Nubbins, taking another long draw on his hookah. KT smiled uneasily. After a moment, Nubbins broke the tension with a loud laugh.

“Ah, Cal Jack. You never cease to amuse! Come, friend KT. Let us depart.”

“Depart WHERE? Okay, I need a few things answered before we go…wherever it is you’re taking me. Where am I? Why I am here? Where are we going? Those are kind of big ones to start with.”

“Of course. Let us see. You are currently in the geographic center of our country – the Jodhpur Forest. Our country, then, is the fanciful Kingdom of Beautopia!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me…” KT groaned to himself but let Nubbins continue. As he did so, he took a step back, nearly stepping on the head of a tiny chipmunk. Startled, KT turned and looked at the thing. It glared at him, unhappy.

“I’m sorry, little guy. I didn’t mean to…”

“Stuff it, cocksucker,” the chipmunk snarled in a surprisingly gruff voice as it ran back into the bushes. KT’s eyes flew open wide in surprise. Nubbins coughed loudly to get his attention again.

“Pay him no mind. His harvest was poor this year. As I was saying, we are heading, whenever we are finished here, to one of the two main cities that we may enter in Beautopia, those being the city of Lozenthol to the east and Portland to the north.”

“Wait. Wait, Portland? You have PORTLAND in this…place?”

“Of course, friend. Portland is the home base of our shipping trade routes all over the world! Our ports are the finest in the Northern Half.”

“I see. And to the west and south?”

Nubbins’ smile disappeared as he heard that question, replaced by a stony frown.

“To the west, there is nothing but the Western Wastelands, the only place where those in exile from our fair cities may dwell.”

“And the south?”

“To the south,” Efrem burbled, “lies only death and the reign of the Dark Lord himself. The south is the forbidden land, where no good creature can survive.”

“The Dark Lord?”

“We have spent too much time here as is, friend KT,” Nubbins interrupted. “Hop on Efrem’s back. He will take us to the east. I assume Mistress Calliope will want to meet you.”

“I’m not even going to ask.”

“Good boy. Hop on up. I shall be along in a moment.”

KT shrugged and followed Cal Jack to the toad where he climbed up and settled in. He did not notice Nubbins glaring into the bushes and drawing one paw across his throat. He also did not notice as shadows descended into that bush where the chipmunk had left. He still further failed to notice as a brief struggle ensued, ending up with a large spray of blood peppering the nearby tree. Satisfied, Nubbins nodded and climbed onto Efrem with the other two.

“To adventure!” he cried and they were off.
Well, what do you think so far?

(I’m…surprised. It’s actually quite enjoyable. Plus it’s demented enough that it works well. Alright, KT. You won me. I’ll let you do your damn story. – ed.)

A winner is me!

(Uh…huh. Okay. Well, goodbye everyone. See you all back soon. We hope. – ed.)

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