Darkness Falls On Gulla Gulla Island

Posted: July 21, 2010 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , , ,

I want to do something different!

(What? – ed.)

I’m tired of just giving “how to” lists and being drunk all the time. I want to do something a little more creative this time around. Something with some literary merit.

(You have to be joking. You’re a comedy writer on a tiny-ass website in the middle of nowhere…and you’re wanting a change in direction? – ed.)

No, not totally. Just this once. I have a story that I need to tell. It must be told.

(Fine. If I let you do this one, will you shut up and do your job next article, laugh monkey? – ed.)

Yes.

(Fine. Knock yourself out. Literally I hope, but… – ed.)

Sweetness. Our story begins…
—–
Long ago in the far off time of the mid-1990s, there existed a place in this world with a happy, cheery joyful exterior where children could run and play to their hearts’ content without fear of punishment or violence. Yet in this land was an underbelly seedier than a pile of watermelon vomit after a big drunken Fourth of July party. This land…was Gulla Gulla Island.

(Oh God no. – ed.)

Fine. You want to bitch? Fine. I’ll just watch a couple partial episodes and comment on them. You ass-bastard.

(Fine. – ed.)

Fine.

Video 1:

00:00:30: Alright, it’s the intro to the first one. Huh. I bet that guy wanted to be like, the next Louis Armstrong or Lou Rawls, and then some ass talked him into doing this show, and his dreams died. I just bet that’s what happened.

00:00:45: “Come..and…let’s play together…before I go out behind the production truck and put a .45 to my temple and pull the trigger until it goes click” were ACTUALLY the lyrics but…it didn’t work out so well with test audiences. True story.

00:01:30: “Show him this,honey.” What did he get SHOWN? “Oh GOD! It’s like Goatse in black and white!”

00:01:40: “Well if that worked, I’ve got an even better plan!” *shiver* That’s gross. Beastiality is a no-no.

00:02:20: “What do Binya Binja pollywogs like better than anything?” How about FUCKIN’!

00:02:25: NO! “Playing with kids.” Of course it was.

00:02:30: And now they’re going to SHOW you what fun he had playing with you and the kids? Really? It’s like evidence at a rape trial! That seems unnecessarily sadistic. Like not even “Hey kid, this animal raped you” but “We’re also going to show you what he did to your asshole when you were sleeping”. Unnecessary.

00:03:45: Oh God. They’re circling Binya Binya like some ancient pagan cult. Run, pollywog! They will remove your heart with stone daggers while it’s still beating ! They went “loop-de-loo” around the fucking thing.

00:04:40: Annnnnd mocking epilectics. Fucking class there, Nick Jr.

00:05:20: Let’s try to get him to move around a bit? Seriously? You know how they do that with animals? THEY SHOVE A GODDAMN CATTLE PROD UP THEIR ASSES.

00:06:15: This is getting…weird. “Remember the day it rained and rained and rained? That’s the day Shaina and I sat by the window and she slowly ground herself to her first orgasm on my knee”

00:06:30: OH JESUS. IT MIGHT HAPPEN. HE MADE HER STRADDLE HIS KNEE. I instantly regret my choice of jokes.

00:06:40: Oh God. Just watching this makes me feel a little ill. He is way too touchy of a man. The fear on her face is palpable!

00:07:10: WHAT? WHAT? She just asked for it! She wants him to finger bang her! She would not request it otherwise.

00:07:15: And he READJUSTED HER to a more comfortable position. This is SO SEXUAL, IT’S INSANE. I feel like I’m watching a crime video.

00:07:20: I don’t even want to know which waterspout he’s talking about. Not anymore

00:07:30: …what the HELL? “Sing with your fingers, Daddy.” How can he RESPOND to that? “You got it honey. Now let’s get those Winnie the Pooh panties down around your ankles.” It’s the Island! It makes me do terrible, terrible things.

00:07:37: Oh thank goodness. This one is over. Wait, there’s a second one? BLAST AND DAMN!

Video 2:

00:00:10: No intro this time. That may be for the best. Oh shit. That kid is going to take a gat and driveby the shit out of Binya Binya. I see it.

00:00:20: IS THAT A FUCKING GAS CAN?! Is Binya going to torch the place and leave no witnesses?

00:01:10: “Okay well I’m taking him up to my room to see my treasures.” Seriously? I can’t even say anything to that. Why would he be showing him his balls? I can’t HANDLE THIS. Who the FUCK wrote this script?

00:01:33: He is so fucking insistent that Greg come to his room. What does he HAVE up there? An extension cord and a broken broom handle?

00:01:34:That was a rape joke not a poor joke, by the way, but either way I’m okay with it.

00:01:40: Man, he is really laying into that Chinese kid. Like he wants to get his rape on SO BAD and this Chinese fucker is throwing his game.

00:02:20: After the “You know”, I thought he was going to confess that his piano teacher kissed him once. That would have been funnier.

00:03:00: And Greg Tyrannosaurus, big and strong sounds like a gay porn star

00:03:50: It’s so wrong, but the black kid crouched down like a monkey and swinging a club is killing me.

00:04:15: So they’re going to solve their problems by dancing? Dancing? What is this shit? The Michael Jackson “Beat It” video?

00:04:35: WHY THE ASSFUCK IS HE VOGUEING? You’re not Madonna! You’re a scrawny-ass little white boy!

00:04:45: I want to know who the fuck is in the Binyah suit. And where. the. suit. is. NOW. It probably has strategic holes cut in it

00:05:10: Wait. Wait. How does the knock knock joke END? You can’t just leave it hanging! Bastards!

00:05:40: “Now that everybody is finally gone, I can show you my real treasures!” That’s how you’re ending this? REALLY? You’re ending it on an ambiguously sexual note? What is wrong with you? Damn, yo.
——
I feel kinda sick now after watching those, just so you know.

(I bet you do. Was it worth it? – ed.)

Not really, no. With that, I sign off. I need to cry away the shame.

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