Rupert the Drunk Tries To Be Funny

Posted: July 14, 2010 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

OK, so the editor asked me to write something.  I am a day late, but whatever.  It’s hard to be funny.  You try it sometime.  Anyway, I need to think of some sort of article.  What about?  No.  What about…well, we tried that

1 min- OK, we need some beer.  I picked up some Heineken light, maybe that will help.

10 min-World Cup?  That just ended, I know.  But maybe we can do jokes about the final game?  Something involving Spain?  They won, right?  1-0?  Who the hell thinks that’s a sport.

15 min-OK, you know what, Spain.  We will focus about Spain.  Spain is funny.  Tacos are from Spain.  Tacos are funny.  Therefore Spain is funny.  That’s logic, bitches!

23 min-OK, we need more stuff about Spain. So far I have tacos, bullfights, and hookers.  What about a bull confusing a taco for a hooker?  Wait, how would that work.  Christ, I need more beer.

Editor’s Note: At this point, the beer started to kick in. Rupert spent eight minutes mutter about his hunger for tacos and his desire for hookers.  He went back to the article after a few minutes.

31 min-Why are certain things funny? Why are squirrels funny?  Funny squirrels.  I wonder if they could read minds.  I wonder if they put squirrels in tacos?  I want a squirrel taco.

40 min-OK I have….five hundred words?  Awesome, I think I’m done.  Time for a celebratory beer.  Damn these things always go..what’s that…the opposite of slow…quick!  These things always go quick

Editor’s Note: Rupert’s original draft was five hundred words consisting of “squirrels, tacos, hookers, bulls, soccer, those shaky wavy things that they shake when they dance, Spain is funny!” over and over again. We were forced to reject this draft, but could not convince Rupert to write another one as he slipped his pants onto his head.

1 hr-I am a Spanish soccer player.  I am a dancer!  Hookers love me.  I love beer!  It makes everything funny.  Watch me dance!

1 hr 15 min- Blarggh!

Editors note: We leave it to you whether or not Rupert managed to be funny.  We at Dan Eats Cat Food feel that he fell a touch short.

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