Dan Eats Cat Food Presents: The Cartoon

Posted: June 29, 2010 by kaostheory in Dan Eats Cat Food Presents
Tags: , , ,

Are you serious? We have to do this again?

(I’m afraid so. – ed.)

These are always just…horrifying. I have nightmares for weeks after these.

(I don’t really see an alternative. – ed.)

EVERYTHING is an alternative. It could just be a monkey playing around in its own filth for a thousand words!

(Just get the damn tape. – ed.)

I hate you so much.

(Noted. – ed.)

Ugh. Hi everyone. So apparently Fuhrer Ed is demanding that, due my propensity these past few weeks to get distracted by shiny objects and/or breasts and then wander off to do something else instead of writing as should be my due diligence, I must pay the price. Thus, I am being forced into what could be labeled as a violation of the Geneva Convention rules on torture and must watch and report on…damnit…another one of Dan Eats Cat Food’s failed forays into the field of television with another damn “DECF Presents” abortion. This time is…

Oh God no.

(Sorry, KT. You really struck out this time. – ed.)

There are LAWS, Ed! LAWS!

(See you when you’re done watching. – ed.)

This time I have to watch…a…our attempt at a cartoon. Oh Lord. This is going to be worse than I can possibly imagine. Let’s just…get it over with.
——
00:01: I’m already a bit terrified. It started out with a black screen and then just exploded into a horrific neon green background. Nothing seems to be happening. The black is just falling down in shards. Hm.

00:02: FUCK! A goddamn cartoon clown literally just charged the screen, waving a meat cleaver and screaming in what sounded like a cross between Aramaic and a malfunctioning photo copier. When it hit the “screen”, it shattered, the cartoon blood forming the word “FOOD!”. I about pissed myself and I’m not even kidding.

00:04: Is…is that the main character? I really hope not. The thing is like…it’s like if you took a stick figure, stretched the limbs so that they were each three times as long as the body, bent the limbs in the middle to form impossibly sharp edges and then made the figure walk around by bouncing its legs and arms back and forth in a jerky, frightening motion. Plus its smile is crooked and doesn’t seem to fit what is ostensibly its face. Oh and its voice is, I think, Tim Curry with a headcold. I wish that was just a joke. I think it actually MAY be.

(It is. Don’t ask how we got him to agree to it. You’re better off not knowing. – ed.)

00:07: I’m starting to get a plotline and I don’t like that. Apparently this thing – Jibbles – is looking to find a human host – which he calls a Carry Friend – in the magical land of Danceytop Kingdom and has enlisted other…nightmares is honestly the best word to describe them…to help him. Let me see if I got them right. There’s Peach, a dog with rabies, canine AIDS and a missing eye. There’s Juantonio, a Mexican triple amputee who moves by hopping on his left foot. There’s Grognzxls, a demon with a permanently engorged phallus, covered only by a loincloth made of…I think that may be the Bill of Rights. Oh and then there’s the love interest, of course. Her name is Madison, Wisconsin, she’s eight feet tall and she’s dying of a rare blood disease that sometimes manifests itself in short-term psychosis. This is…damn it.

00:09: Um. I just saw Jibbles REACH INTO THE SKY, pull down a seagull, rip its head off and consume the contents of its body. I’m very unsettled right now. I mean, there’s the backbone and everything. Just…snapped like a twig. Man. Attention to detail like whoa there.

00:10: Oh. Good. Okay. Let’s just animate what appears to be a human coughing up spinal fluid. Awesome. That’s a good aesthetic choice.

00:12: WHOA. Not that it is in anyway appropriate for a cartoon show but it just lapsed into real life hardcore pornography. Pretty good quality too, which surprises me. I would have figured they would go with something…darker. Something along the lines of the dough sex thing.

(That was the first choice, honestly. And don’t mention it again. Ever. – ed.)

00:15: And the porn’s still going. Is this like…filler? Did the production manager just decide that “Oh hey we don’t have enough plot to make this episode last so we’re just going to throw in interracial fuckin’ for a few minutes”? Oh, I didn’t mention it was interracial porn? Well. It’s interracial porn.

00:17: Well, the porn’s done. I guess that’s a good thing. For whatever reason, they are now in Harlem. Annnnnnnnd the demon just got beat to death after running into a street gang and making racially and sexually charged comments while fondling its bulge. Awesome. That wouldn’t piss off like…everyone. Especially because…OH GOOD, THEY RAPED HIS CORPSE.

00:19: Why in the hell is the New York skyline on FIRE?

00:20: OH! Okay. It’s on fire because Jibbles entering this world is in fact a Harbinger of the Apocalypse and the “Carry Friend” he is trying to find is in fact a virgin that he must inhabit to become the Antichrist. This didn’t get horrific. Bear in mind that all of this is ANIMATED and not well at that. It’s like if Disney cartoons were animated by blind, drunk and clinically retarded Koreans.

00:21: And I am officially confused. Jibbles just straight up KNIFED Juantonio for being an “unbeliever”. Like…took a knife and rammed it into his stomach something around…that had to have been no less than forty-five times. Why is being an unbeliever a murderable offense when you’re trying to bring about the End of Days? Isn’t being an unbeliever a GOOD thing in that case?

(I love how you are more offended by a confusing plot point than the, you know, murder. And rape. – ed.)

00:22: Well, Madison, Wisconsin just turned on Jibbles. She attempted to slay him with…is that a tire iron? Yeah, a tire iron. Didn’t work. He just cut her from throat to crotch with that knife he had. Now he’s lying her down gently on the concrete, telling her of her betrayal and how it wounded him so and…he’s…*shiver*…kissing her. A lot more tongue than I would have thought they would have animated. What is he doing now?

00:26: Ahem. The animators of this atrocity just spent the last FOUR MINUTES showing a stick figure humping away at the wounds of a dead, slaughtered body. Four. Damn. Minutes. Without stopping. Or cutting away. And it wasn’t just repeating the same footage over and over. No. Every frame was different.

(You can thank the animators for that. – ed.)

00:27: I honestly don’t know how they’re going to end this. Jibbles just subjugated the world to his will. Is that how they’re going to finish this? The world burning and Hell reigning on Earth?

00:28: NO. They are going to make it a FUCKING DREAM SEQUENCE by Jibbles. He just woke up in a trash can and started screaming. Loud. Terrified. Insane.

00:30: The credits are rolling. He’s still screaming. That is unpleasant. That’s actually a very apt word for the entirety of this experience, honestly.
——
Why do you make me do this? These are never, ever fun times. They are the opposite of that, in fact.

(It’s part of a backlog. You just happen to get fucked with it every time. – ed.)

At least tell me this was the last of these damned things. You didn’t tell me that last time and I had to see THIS now.

(I honestly don’t know. As far as we know right now, yes, this was the last one. But we always could find more. – ed.)

Wonderful. So I may have to walk down this insane path again.

(Plausibly! – ed.)

Okay. Time for whiskey and ginger ale to blast this memory away. I seem to have to do that a lot now. Hope you didn’t throw up TOO much!

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