The Oddest Search Results Leading to Dan Eats Cat Food: Triple Teamed

Posted: June 18, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , ,

As always, in lieu of actually having to put thought into an article full of fresh and funny new ideas – you know, the stuff this site is based on – we have decided that in the interest of actually having something UP on the site other than old, stale material, we’ll just do what we always do. You know, find the funniest and most perverted search terms of the past month or so, show them to you and make snarky comments about them. You know. The normal lazy-ass method. Aren’t you proud?

Ugh. Anyways, we have a nice long batch of sick bastards trying to find this site. But hey, no child porn this time! So that’s a plus, I suppose. It did kind of even out, though, with some other weird shit. Couldn’t be THAT far into the mainstream, now could we?

(Just…just do this, KT. Stop stalling for time and just do the damn thing. – ed.)

FINE. God. Let’s get this bitch rollin’.

———–
“rejected mario games”: Hey, I know where this one came from! Ah, nostalgia. For the record, the funniest rejected Mario game would in fact be ‘Raper Mario’ just because of the similarity to ‘PAPER’…well, you see where that came from.

“how many consumers really reject brands”: I am sure I don’t know the answer to that. Or why that brought them here. Wait are they still caught on the cereal thing? Crapola.

“eel loose in opry mills flood”: I’m gonna assume this is just hearsay, mainly because it doesn’t say if it’s just some pansy-ass river eel or a fucking moray or conger eel. THOSE I would worry about. But like a floppy, dick-looking river eel? Pffff.

“why does my screen go black after accept”: Because your tiny white cock just couldn’t satisfy it anymore, I’m betting.

“gund raptorsaurus stuffed animal”: I don’t know what this is but I want it.

“is attack of the killer tomatoes a stone”: Sir, I can safely say that it is not. It is a movie and possibly also a book though I am unsure of that. Still though, it is a movie. Not a stone. Movies are not in fact chiseled out of granite or what have you, at least not until James Cameron has his way.

“hateness”: I think like…half that word is unnecessary.

“usted tiene un asno apretado translation” According to Babelfish – you know the TRANSLATION program – this means, and I quote, “you have a tight ass”. Why the fuck is this a SEARCH? In what possible situation is that absolutely required?

“cortana gagged”: I knew – KNEW – that writing that video games thing with that fetish involved would lead to this. Damn it.

“bdsm games cut”: DAMN it.

“is henry a good name for your penis?”: Bud, it’s YOUR penis. You can call it Lord Huffleton von Codswallop and it would be fine. Actually, go with that one instead of Henry, honestly.

“any way to get out of a felony if its minor”: The word “felony” and “minor” don’t usually go in the same sentence unless it’s “felony abuse of a minor”. So I’m going to go out on a limb here and say no, no there really isn’t.

“the expression of the man ho eats more q”: I…what? Is this in code? Are you trying to tell me the Latvians have invaded? ARE YOU?

“honey bunches of oats is only for blue c”: OH SHIT! You are! Run for your lives!

“pacman cutscenes”: Oh this is fun. Yes, there are cutscenes in Pac-Man. Between the wakka wakka wakka and the fruits and the ghosts, there is a deep and rich story full of intrigue and betrayal and IT’S FUCKING PAC-MAN NO THERE ARE NO CUTSCENES.

“can fbi get you a big cat”: Yes, I suspect that they can. The question is WILL they. And that’s probably a no.

“how did i spend my weekend”: If you’re coming on the Internet to try to find answers to this question, you might want to call the local police and your friends and piece it together yourself.

“how to mckickass”: You can’t. You can only BE McKickass and since that’s me and you aren’t me, you’re not. See?

“‘green haired and hung'”: Okay this is seriously getting ridiculous.

“dangerres man”: Dangerres? It sounds in my head like Algiers. I don’t think that’s right.

“ball gag princess peach”: DAMN. IT. ALL.

“latino doctor”: Yeah, none of those here. Sorry, champ. You might want to try a racist phonebook instead.

“decoding women’s words”: Bahahaha. Good luck with that, man. That’s like trying to understand that clicking bush language while having earmuffs on.

“eat scat for food”: I am quite troubled at the prevalence of the word ‘scat’ in search results, I really am. Especially in this context. Ew.

“girl has a human footstool”: No! Bad Internet! Do not redirect hardcore S&M users to this site!

“proud beggar idioms”: What? Like…”A beggar with pride is like a horse with roller skates. It doesn’t need them and it’ll just make things more complicated than they need to be.”…something like that?

“brazilian idiom rape”: I don’t know how ANY of those words go together. That’s like a dark version of ‘purple monkey dishwasher’.

“red 40 in cereal is that made from bugs”: I don’t even have words to say to this. This is hilarious and obscenely paranoid.

“sickness that makes you curl up”: Well, I’d say that this would be pretty much any disease that attacks your stomach or nuts.

“elwood video 4chan”: Uh…maybe?

“twilightsex.com”: Oh God. Kill me now.
———
We are not proud of what we have done to the world. Apparently we’re making it a much more fucked-up place to live. But you know what? We’re not like Koman Coulibaly who we are reasonably sure has forcible intercourse with the buttholes of water buffalo as he snorts straight coke off a giraffe’s back and FUCKS THE UNITED STATES.

(Yeah, not even going to discipline him this time. He’s right. Fuck him. Have a great day, readers! – ed.)

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