How To Judge How You Watch The World Cup

Posted: June 15, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
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Once every four years, something happens to the world. Something strange and otherworldly. Time seems to stop and the world is brought together for a while to compete in one of the most intense events in the world.

I am talking, of course, about the Winter Olympics. Yes, the Winter Olympics. Where the fate of the world’s bragging rights rests on the shoulders of those noble heroes who snowboard and luge for a living. The Winter Olympics where entire countries stop while waiting for…

Wait. I’m just being informed that nobody save Canada and Russia actually give two shits about the Winter Olympics and that I’m actually supposed to be talking about the World Cup. Who knew? Anyways.

Instead of telling you how to watch the World Cup (drunk and obnoxious, naturally), we’re in fact here to tell why you should choose a team to root for, going group by group until it’s finished or we get bored and crap out. Let’s get to it!
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Group A

Mexico: Supporting Mexico is the perfect way to (passive-aggressively) stick it to Arizona in opposition to what you believe to be an unjust and racist law passed. Also, if you love tacos and burritos, this is the one to gun for.

South Africa: If you want this guys to win, you must really like the sound of a billion pissed-off hornets drowning out other crowd noise as well as permeating your dreams for the rest of your life. Plus the hometown thing, I guess.

France: Rooting for France is a quandry-causing situation. On one hand, you get to root for a team with a realistic chance of winning the Cup. On the other hand, you have to root for FRANCE to win the Cup. It’s kind of a lose-lose thing either way.

Uruguay: You’re rooting for Uruguay? Well, I guess I can’t stop you. I hope you like dealing with with space mantises though. (See ‘Tactics’ as a reference for that little joke. – ed.)

Group B

South Korea: I mean, it’s South Korea. You get what you root for here.

Argentina: You’re pretty much going for these guys because of a short, overweight, has-been former legend who cheated to win a Cup and has agreed to run through Buenos Aires naked if they win. So…shock value, then.

Nigeria: I’ll be honest with you. The only thing I know about this team is that Hakeem Olajuwon does NOT play for them. So, there’s that.

Greece: After their first showing against Argentina, you actually might be better off not rooting for anyone. Zeus is pissing himself in anger at these guys.

Group C

United States: USA! USA! USA! USA! (Note: Dan Eats Cat Food throws its support ONLY behind our American boys – ed.)

England: If you’re a limey bastard, eat spotted dick, think Wayne Rooney and David Beckham are God and Jesus, hate freedom and condescend to everyone not from Engerland, then by all means, root for this team.

Slovenia: Really?

Algeria: Even more of a ‘really?’ than Slovenia and that takes a lot, to be honest.

Group D

Germany: Thus far, these guys have looked the strongest out of every team in the Cup. For those of us who don’t want the Fourth Reich, that’s horrifying to see.

Ghana: What you have here is an upstart African team. You could probably do worse than a home continent team that is starting to actually make a push and upsets.

Serbia: These guys are tough, scary, rough and violent Eastern Europeans. Probably best to at least have a passing interest if you enjoy your kidneys intact and in place inside your body and not resting in ice in a cooler.

Australia: Kangaroos. I mean, really. Kangaroos. What’s NOT to like? Also they have amazing sports that mix rugby, football and soccer and are incredibly fun to watch at 2 AM when you’re a sixer into the night.

Group E

Netherlands: While this team sounds like it should just be run by Martin Short (Three Amigos, really? – ed.), they are actually one of the better teams in the tournament. Plus they have names that make you sound like you’re playing ‘Chubby Bunny’ when you try to pronounce them.

Japan: They upset Cameroon. That should tell you something.

Camaroon: They were upset by Japan. That should tell you something.

Denmark: Basically like the Netherlands except crappier. Root for these guys if you can’t afford to root for the Netherlands. They’re the poor man’s Netherlands. I just like writing Netherlands. It sounds like a great crotch euphemism.

Group F

Italy: You like these guys if you live in the four years ago, respect Jorge ‘Assfucker’ Larrionda as a referee and like a team that’s the equivalent of a nursing home on the pitch.

New Zealand: They play about as well as just plain Zealand. Which is to say, quite poorly, in fact.

Paraguay: Exactly like Uruguay in every way except without space mantises and with more talent.

Slovakia: You probably got these guys confused with Slovenia. It’s a common mistake. Honestly.

Group G

Ivory Coast/Cote d’Ivoire: Gotta be honest. These guys are pretty awesome. Didier Drogba is playing with a damn broken arm, they held Portugal to a scoreless tie and their team name is The Elephants. I like ’em.

Portugal: Let’s be straight here. You’re only rooting for these guys because you have a crush on Cristiano Ronaldo. You know what? He’s a flopper. There. I said it. He’s like the Portuguese Dennis Rodman of soccer.

Brazil: The only reasons you should be rooting for Brazil would be if you live there, grew up there, are of Brazilian descent or have followed them since you were really little – all of which are fine and understandable. If none of those are the case, you should not be rooting for them. You probably like the Yankees, Lakers, Red Wings and Patriots too.

North Korea: Kim John ll told you to.

Group H

Chile: They can survive earthquakes and come out of it smelling like a rose. Plus they’re hot, hot, hot. (I hate you for that pun. – ed)

Spain: Oh, wow! Spain! You must really like not taking chances! See: Brazil. This is like Brazil Part 2.

Switzerland: Let me give you a hint here. If they’re neutral in the world, they’ll be neutral on the pitch. I hope you like watching ties. Scoreless ties, even.

Honduras: No, you’re not.
——-
And there you have it. Your definitive guide to choosing a World Cup team. May your team go deep into the tournament and make you happy. Well, as long as your team is the United States. Every other team can suck one.

(USA! USA! – ed.)

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