Dan Eats Cat Food’s 100th Episode Spectacular Or Not-So-Spectacular As The Case May Be

Posted: June 11, 2010 by kaostheory in Celebratory
Tags: ,


One hundred entries – and yes, we are counting the bitchy little cop-out ‘hiatus’ entry AND the intro entry because it’s disingenuous to say that they didn’t count as posts since they clearly did go up on the site – and we’re still rollin’ hard. That’s difficult to believe, honestly. If you had asked us even a year ago if this site would be updating three times a week and going, if not strong, at least marginally well, all of the writers would have pointed and laughed at you until we were blue in the face and our trousers were soaked through with uncontrolled urine. If you had told us we’d update the site a hundred times, we would have vomited from laughter and passed out. If you had told us that we wouldn’t have just gotten bored with it and walked away because a dog covered in tin foil just ran by barking with his soaking wet, pantsless owner chasing after him, we would have told you to stop having your morning coffee with hallucinogens.

But holy shit, here we are. A hundred entries. We have been bringing the high heat for a HUNDRED little posts. Frankly, we have no business doing so.

Following that segue, we figure that it’s the perfect time to announce that…we’ll keep this shit going as long as we can. What? Did you think we were going to quit? HELL no. We will keep writing here and entertaining all of you until our fingers fall off or we are shut down and arrested for accidentally inciting someone Catcher In The Rye-style to attempt to assassinate a prominent world figure. Just effwhyeye, the current favorite is Ke$ha with Bieber running a close second. We’d be okay with that.

Anyways, in the interest of padding this entry out to make it not a self-congratulatory wank-fest, we’ve decided to explain one of the biggest and most frequent questions that are asked in dealing with the site. No, not whether or not we’re drunk off our asses writing any of this material. No, not whether or not the Inferno was just a dream. No, not whether all the different writers are in fact real or are just figments of one lonely guy’s imagination. We’re going to let you in on the origin of Dan Eats Cat Food itself.

The year was 2009 and the world – and the writers – was young. The scene is a normal dinner off-campus – due to the college’s overwhelming ability to create food on a daily basis that could be charitably be compared to that style of cuisine normally found on feedlots. This particular meal took place at a nearby Mexican restaurant, mainly because all of the participants were of age and, quite frankly, were suffering from a quite large blood deficiency of margarita. There were five that ate at that fateful meal. There was the faithful leader, KaosTheory. There was Pred3000, the Dan of DECF fame. There was Raybestos and his girlfriend, Double J. And there was another female friend of the group whom we shall refer to as Taiwan. About halfway through the pitcher of frozen margarita – complete with requisite cold headaches which let us digress for a moment to declare should qualify under the Geneva Convention as biological warfare, damnit – the conversation shifted, as was its wont, towards giving Pred shit. As usual, it began with Ray and KT ragging on Pred about the attractiveness of Pred’s mother, a fact that to this day sends him into throes of rage. Quite entertaining. Over the course of the conversation, the topic eventually moved towards the proclivity of Pred to become extremely suggestible while intoxicated. And here is where we join our heroes. (Note: this conversation may not be EXACTLY word-for-word transcribed. It WAS over a year and a half ago. – ed.)
Pred3000: Oh, that’s bull. I do not become suggestible.

Raybestos: Really? You make me mix CDs – you ASK if anyone wants a CD burned. You freely give mixers for drinks to people. You are all over the place.

KaosTheory: Hence, you are Rogue.

Pred: That’s not why.

JJ/Taiwan: Yes, it is.

Pred: That doesn’t make me easily influenced.

KT: Bullshit. We get more of that margarita in you, we could make you do whatever we want.

Pred: No.

Taiwan: Do it!

KT: What can we make you do?

Pred: Nothing!

JJ: Probably run around the block naked but nobody wants that.

Pred: I don’t want that!

KT: Then we agree!

Ray: Would you make me a CD when we get back?

Pred: No.


Pred: I mean, if you want me to, I suppose I will.


KT: Seriously, man. I bet we could make you eat cat food if you were drunk enough.

Pred: WHAT?

JJ: Yes!

Taiwan: Do it!

KT: Come on, man. Let’s go for it.

Ray: Don’t be a bitch. Let’s get you some cat food.

Pred: No! I won’t do it!

KT: We get you drunk, you will.

Pred: Sigh. Okay, when I do this…

Ray: You’ll DO IT?!

Pred: I didn’t say that!

KT: Yes you did! You said ‘when’ you do it. Not ‘if’. ‘When’. ‘When’ states that you have agreed to do it. It’s just the time that has to get hammered out.

Pred: It does not.

Taiwan: It really kinda does.

No, to answer the question I know you have, Pred has not consumed the cat food yet. Even though we’ve been over tons and tons of stipulations – we give him money for it, he gets a fancy dinner with it, he gets wine, one of us dresses as a waiter, he doesn’t have to keep it down, etc., etc. – no progress has been made. And with our group going our separate ways to separate cities because of an economy that has enjoyed rimming college students for a couple years now, the bet seems to be on hold. However, rest assured, gentle readers. When the time comes – and it will come – that he eats the cat food, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food will be there to cover it.

Oh and to answer your other question, KT wanted to start writing comedy and that was the funniest name we came up with at the time so that kinda just stuck. Nothing too exciting there.

So from all of us here, thank you, friends, for reading us. We do what we do for and to you. Keep on reading. The best is yet to come.

Okay now fuck off. I’ma drink beer until I’m puking straight-up Coors.

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