Attack Of The Killer (insert funny object here) : How To Make a B-Movie to Attract The Stoners Of The World

Posted: June 8, 2010 by pred3000 in Advice

It should come as no surprise that stoners do not require much to entertain them.  Yet there are still many mistakes that people make.  It is not merely enough to show a stoner something stupid make him justify his ironic on a whim purchase by making him laugh.  You see, he thinks he is smart.  Take the movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.  It is a bad film, but one that has been kept alive by giggling college students who stay awake until five A.M. watching it. Therefore, it is a requirement to cater to your demographic – who are all in their twenties, all feel world weary, and are all unemployed.

1) The Soundtrack-This is listed as the first item, not because it is the most vital, but because it is the most overlooked.  It is not enough to have programed songs in your soundtrack that were dated in 1983.  No, you need to try and be original. Hire some indie band to at least contribute a song to you. That way, you can claim your production was a way to “stick it to the man,”  a phrase that has all stoners nodding their heads in approval. Or, if you are truly a Renaissance Man, you can write your own material.  This usually does nothing except allow you to claim you are a Renaissance Man.  Besides, in the case of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, using music only helped to accentuate the camp value, and thus, value for stoners.  Don’t ever fall into the trap of thinking that the soundtrack is not important. In some ways, it is the most important thing about your film.
2) Pseudo-Philosophy-What is it that sets the stoner apart from everyone else?  Well, he claims to be smarter than everyone else.  It is true that there are many who claim to be smarter but are not.  What sets the stoner apart is that he does have a passing familiarity with certain items that an educated person might.  Therefore, it is important to indulge in this familiarity.  Does the stoner claim to be a Proust fan but has only read one page of it?  Have a character look into the camera and say “I remember all things past.”  That is as far as you need to go.  The stoner will feel he has experienced something deep. Mention something about “The Superman” and the stoner will yell out “Nietzsche!” as though it is some sort of Pavlovian response.  Heck, use Pavlov.  You don’t have to worry about knowing what any of it means.  The stoner will not either.
3) Irony (Laughing at things no one else will laugh at)-OK, this is sort of like the topic above, but this time you are going for laughs.  You cannot be as blatant in your references.  To do that would not be funny. What you should do instead is try and hope your property may be subtle enough to be interpreted as deep. Let us look at Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Is it about vegetarianism and how it is the only proper way?  Is it about how the consumerist society is being eaten by what it craves?  No; it’s  a dumb movie about killer tomatoes.  But do not tell the stoner this fact.  He will be able to discuss about how it is something like that, before going back to mourning the loss of Jerry Garcia.  That will make it popular and thus make you money.

4) Casting– Now, most of you will be tempted to cast your friend who temps at an insurance company as the film’s hero and your girlfriend who works at the perfume counter at J.C. Penny’s as the love interest.  And you know what?  This is the exact right method to use.  Stoners everywhere will congratulate you on how you used “real people” as opposed to those “phony Hollywood people” even though your girlfriend will not be able to read her lines off the cue cards you will be forced to use.  Go with it; such incompetency will only increase the appeal.  The more incompetent, the better.  Know a fat real estate agent?  He can be the best friend. Homeless guy?  Promise him a sandwich and you have cast the comic relief.  Some guy that merely shows up and asks to be in the movie?  He’s the villain – after all, nothing is more villainous than a wannabe actor.

Hopefully this will help you in creating a property that will be enjoyed by those who will never be able to afford it in their lives.  Go forth and conquer!

  1. Great post. Are you Jesus?

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