Musings On The Great Flood of 2010

Posted: May 7, 2010 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , , ,

Yes, it’s true. Our Man on the Street, KaosTheory, just happened to position himself – terrible luck and all – right in the middle of a once-in-five hundred years storm in good ol’ Nashville. Thankfully, he managed to make it through high, dry and relatively cleaned up. After giving him a few days of personal time (we figured he had earned it), we were eventually able to squeeze an article out of him. Unfortunately, it’s just his musings about the flood and what happened. He’s…not too creative right now. But hey, it’s something right?

(Just to be clear, everyone, these are HIS thoughts on the flood. Dan Eats Cat Food does not condone or support some of the statements he makes here. Just covering our asses, thanks. – ed.)
1 ) Nashville. My town. The town that I am growing to love even though I know very, very few people here. Ca$hville. Music City. Nashvegas. The Athens of the South. Well, I got another nickname for the town. I think it’s apropos and it fits quite well. How about this? Nashville: Mother Nature’s Personal Fuckhole.

(KAOS! – ed.)

What? It is. Mother Nature greased up our little cornhole and raped us with a 13-inch rainy strap-on. We got taken worse than a sixteen-year old around NFL Hall of Famers.

(Okay maybe this was a bad idea to let you do this… – ed.)

2 ) Two days with no power is bullshit. It is. Yes, I am fully aware that the substation that controlled our power was entirely submerged in water and that putting workers into the water might accidentally (probably) trigger full-blown electrocution but that also is ignoring another possibility. Maybe the workers (probably just one) don’t get electrocuted. Maybe one turns into a superhero or even a supervillain. That happens, you know.

(No. It doesn’t. – ed.)

Well, it still sucks. No air conditioner. No fridge. No fans. No computer. No Xbox. No lights. It’s like living in the fucking Stone Age.

3 ) Having no cell phones sucks as well. Apparently the floodwaters shut down the cell towers as well so for all intents and purposes, we were completely and totally cut off from the outside world. My friends thought I was dead and were excited to hear I wasn’t. Far be it from me to actually like this thing happening, but it WAS a nice little ego boost nonetheless. All the same, it’s a very odd situation to be in where you literally have no way of communicating with the outside world. It’s kind of like that “trapped in” syndrome except I was less inclined to go insane (although a day or two more without power and it would have been about even).

4 ) What, then, is there to do as you sit and wait for the end of the world to come? Well, drinking, for one. A lot of drinking. It’s a well-known and widely-accepted fact (No, it is not. – ed.) that the earliest settlers were drunken hicks not because liquor was cheaper than water and more sanitary but because there was nothing fun to do except get slammed, fuck your wife and fight wolves with your bare hands. Come to think of it, that sounds like a pretty awesome Friday night to me. But I digress. Beer passes the time and then you pass the beer as time passes you. It’s like rock-paper-scissors except with more liver abuse.

5 ) Why is the drinking such an integral part of that? Candlelight. Crossword puzzles. Don’t get me wrong. Crossword puzzles are fairly fun, especially when you really get cracking on them. But two days of doing ONLY them is not so much fun, even less so when you have to do the fucking things by candlelight. Let me tell you that candlelight doesn’t work for SHIT in keeping anything more than the barest margin of light available and especially not in helping you read 6 point typeface. All it does is offer cursory glow to pierce the sheer blackness of night. Eff that.

6 ) Okay, now that we’ve dealt with my personal experience, let’s take a look at what happened outside as we sat, languishing at the mercy of the rotation of the world. First off, kayaking or rafting down floodwaters? Really? You were REALLY going and doing something like that, even though the most basic, repeated warning was to stay inside and not go try to do anything? So instead of listening to that, you went out and did the DUMBEST SHIT you could possibly do? Oh, you stupid fucks. I feel bad for your families that your dumb asses drowned but you fucking earned that death. Retards.

7 ) Also, a note on that. As of the time of this writing, somewhere around thirty-one people are confirmed dead. Not one of them is Ke$ha. This world isn’t fair.

8 ) One of the coolest stories has been, unfortunately, confirmed to be false. I’m disappointed. See, apparently piranhas had gotten loose in Opry Mills, making it a Southern version of the Amazon rainforest. Hell, I’d have been willing to be the guy in charge of testing to see if they were there. Grab a poor drowned deer carcass and toss it in. Either they weren’t there or they WERE and they shredded the deer in a matter of moments. That would have been so awesome. I mean, they are ugly little bastards and I don’t particularly want to feel their nasty bite…but the concept of seeing something stripped to the bone quickly is just so viscerally BITCHIN’.

9 ) A telethon went on TV last night to try to raise money to help with the rebuilding process due to there being a BILLION DOLLARS worth of damage in the city. Well, once we hit a million, Taylor Swift donated $500,000 to help out. That means that, at least to me, Taylor Swift is even hotter now. And that’s hard to do. No lie. She was already ball-sizzling hot to begin with but actually being generous and caring means that my sperm are telling me to wreck that before that Twilight latent homo does. Stupid biological clock.

10 ) Things are finally starting to pick up but Nashville got FUCKED by the national media for a while there. The lack of coverage about the event was frankly appalling. They were more concerned with the precious Times Square in New York and the Gulf of Mexico being all oily. Not the loss of lives from a natural disaster. Nah, that wasn’t important because it wasn’t all political and timely. Well, seriously, fuck you media. Let me be perfectly clear here. I don’t give two shits about New York OR the oil spill. At least not now anyways. Yes, they were important. But they were already being resolved when we got raped. You bastards.

(H’okay, let’s turn down the bitter level a notch. – ed.)

11 ) Finally, things look a lot different around here now. Devastated, mud-smeared buildings and cars. Broken roads and cracked concrete. Pools of filthy water. Power here and there. A moratorium on water usage. This is like damn Fallout 3 here. At least there are no Supermutants here, thank God. I mean, not yet anyways. Maybe in Antioch but who the hell knows?
(Thanks for that…enlightening commentary, KT. In all seriousness though, if you want to donate to help Nashville, there are dozens of worthy places out there just waiting for that money. It would be very appreciated.)

Also if you can get me Taylor Swift, that would be very much appreciated too. Just saying. Deuces.

(I give up. – ed.)

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