How To Name Your Penis (Or The Penis of a Friend) By Using Star Wars As Examples

Posted: May 1, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , ,

Since our last informational session dealing with penis names was so incredibly successful, we decided to do a sequel. Because as everyone knows, sequels to things are always amazing and never a bad idea. I mean, with such luminous titles as Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle, The Matrix Reloaded, Batman Forever and Batman and Robin, and Ponytail Virgins 2, who could ever claim that a sequel is the equivalent of going back to an old girlfriend who was wonderful (maybe) the first time but now has grown fat and has kids and a mild to moderate case of genital warts but you fuck her anyways because what the hell, she’s there and willing.

(Come on, KT. Keep this rolling. – ed.)

Anyways, getting back on track, as we’ve said, this is a probably ill-advised attempt to capitalize on the surprising popularity of the Presidential Penis Names article. We have to say that this is a bit of a surprise. We weren’t expecting nearly the amount of love we got for that one, but we suppose that any with the word penis in it sets off the sensors of all you pervs out there. Eh. We’ll capitulate this time. Although we’ll help you pervnerds out there even more this time because while we are fairly sure there are no conventions dedicated to memorabilia and autographs and cosplaying Presidents, we KNOW that Star Wars does have that. In gross amounts, operative word being gross. Do…can we not go forward with this article? I’m getting the willies.

(Let’s just do this before we change our minds. God help us if we actually give ideas with this. – ed.)

*sigh* Damn it. Also note that if you don’t know Star Wars fairly well, most of these are going over your head. Price you pay for having a geek write this shit.

(Best of luck. I’m going to go do…something…else. – ed.)
If you’re from Arizona or some other place that looks like only death, name it Luke Skywalker. Also if you’re hitting puberty and just getting in touch with “The Force” (read: hormones and a sex drive). Oh and accidentally incestuous but we don’t want to know about that.

If you’re arrogant, good-looking, a criminal and a premature ejaculator, name it Han Solo. Get it? You “shoot first”? Huh? Huh? Oh fuck you. You can also replace this with Indiana Jones, Jack Ryan or any grizzled old man wanting to get his family back/do his job.

If you are James Earl Jones, name it Darth Vader. ONLY if you are James Earl Jones. And I suppose if you like some light BDSM too.

If you like loose women or anal, name it The Emperor. You can also do this if you ejaculate lightning but that’s not a normal thing.

If you have one that’s big, hairy and brutal, name it Chewbacca. If you don’t do the growl while having sex, you do not deserve this name. At all.

If you tan until you are nice and golden, name it C-3PO. This also applies if you’re an insufferable pretentious douche and/or like getting head.

If you have a chode, name it R2-D2. It works a lot better if you paint it blue and white and make beeping noises while a-fuckin’.

If you live as a hermit, name it Obi-Wan Kenobi. You also probably take ugly chicks’ virginities. You’re their only hope, after all.

If you have verbal dyslexia, name it Yoda. You might not want to mention it being tiny, wrinkled and green. It sure can be powerful though.

If you…okay, this one is pretty self-explanatory, name it Jabba the Hutt. You now have an obligation to go “OH HO HO!” when you cum. Fact.

If you are fucking awesome, name it Boba Fett. Actually no. None of you can use this as a name. This is my backup name. It’s mine. Fuck you.

If you are a minor but still important character in your group of friends, name it Wedge Antilles. You also probably like tit-sex and you-ing it in there.

If you have one about double the length of everyone else’s, name it Darth Maul. Also if it’s red and you’re always horny.

If you have everyone in the world hating you, name it Jar-Jar Binks. Seriously. You should probably just kill yourself anyways.

So you don’t want a character name? Fine. Be an asshole. We can help you out anyways.

If you like “swordfighting” with other dudes, name it Lightsaber. Also, knock that shit right the hell off. That’s gross.

If you have one that is massive and intimidating, name it The Death Star . This also assumes that your emissions are powerful enough to maybe not destroy a planet but sure as hell knock down some living room furniture.

If you go very fast and sometimes make tactical mistakes which cause problems to erupt, name it Podracer. Ignore the fact that a little kid drove one.

If you just really like any kind of sex, name it X-Wing. Or, rather, Triple X-Wing.

If you have had a vasectomy, name it Tie Fighter. On second thought, don’t. That could get depressing.

Don’t you ladies fret, however! We couldn’t do you last time because, let’s face it, no woman has been a President. But we can help you out too this time!

If you are a normal girl…well, as normal as you can be naming your vag, name it Princess Leia Organa . Because, really, this is as set-up for you as you can possibly get. Being a princess, being a main character AND having the word “organ” in it. You can’t lose.

If you are a redhead, name it Mara Jade. You are also probably hot as shit. Oh and you like giving tugjobs. Extra points if you actually get that joke.

If you destroy men, eat away at their souls and are generally something that they don’t want to put their dick in, name it The Sarlaac. *shiver*
And with that last horrific image, we conclude this informational session. Let’s check in with Ed before we go.

(…and another thing! A throat isn’t like an asshole! You can’t just go charging in – two fingers at the ready – like some British cavalry unit! You have to be gentle, you heathens! – ed.)

On second thought, he’s busy. Deuces wild, everyone.

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