How To Deal With Being Sick

Posted: April 29, 2010 by kaostheory in Advice
Tags: , ,

But I don’t wannnnnnnnna.

(I don’t care. That’s two articles in a row that are late. Not acceptable. Write the damn thing and write it now. – ed.)

But I’m siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

(But I don’t caaaaaaaaaare. Do it or you’re fired. – ed.)


(Slacker. – ed.)

FINE. God. So because my editor is a heartless bastard, I have to write an article today even though I’m practically on my deathbed. Even though my head feels like it’s packed full of railroad spikes. Even though my stomach feels all hungover even though I haven’t been slammed drunk since like Sunday. Even though I’m sleeping 20 out of 24 hours a day. Even though…

(Enough – ed.)

FINE. God. Because I don’t feel like writing anything deep and thought-provoking due to me BEING SICK (KAOS! – ed.), I’ll just inform you people as to the proper methods of dealing with BEING SICK. (I swear to God, KT… – ed.)
Cry like a baby: You’ve earned the right to, honestly. If everything hurts and you are in agony, you’re allowed to let a few tears leak out. Hell, if there’s anything you need to cry about anyways (no job, no girlfriend, death, taxes, etc.), you’re able to use “being sicker than an S&M pedophilic bloodplay enthusiast” to purge those little bastards without fear of looking wussy or as if a woman.

Be babied: This one really works if you have your mom in somewhat close proximity (shut your damn judging mouth). Note: this also only works if your mom is awesome like mine (and Pred3000s) (OH! – ed.) and not a total bitchwad like some moms are wont to be. It’s a nice feeling to just be able to sit and moan and have cocoa (laced with Bailey’s to keep your cryhole quiet) brought to you. Again, shut your damn judging mouth.

Pray for death: I mean, really, you can’t get a whole lot more melodramatic than this. Still, when light actually hurts your skin, moving out of the fetal position to do ANYTHING is an effort worthy of the highest tier of Olympic athletes, your body temperature is hotter than Julia Allison making out with Jessica Biel, your eyes feel like papayas roasting on an open fire, your stomach is all twisty and gross and your BMs could count as a superpower driving you to become a hero named “Skunkman”, you have probably at least a little legitimate cause to go ahead and do this. Not ACTUALLY die, mind you. Just give a little thought to hoping you do.

Curl up in comfy clothes: Jeans? Shirts? TIES? God no. If you’re sick, you are given the ability to only wear three things if you so choose: sleep pants (mine have South Park characters on them!), a robe or nothin’. We do recommend having a robe on OVER the starkers if only for modesty’s sake but hey, you’re sick. What do you care if someone sees your wang-dang-doodle? You’re SICK.

(KT, is this why you haven’t Skyped into the office while being sick? Because you’ve got…ugh…The Awesome unsheathed? – ed.)

Maaaaaaaaybe. On with the article, ED. You’re making me do this, so I’m doing it.

(Ugh. Sorry, I guess. – ed.)

Ignore any duties or responsibilities: Again, what do you care if someone gets mad because you forgot to post an article or file a few papers or inform the Nuclear Regulatory Commission that you are complying with all their demands on time? You’re more concerned with staying on the couch, drinking your hot Bailey’s with a little bit of cocoa in it (at this point) and watching Spongebob on your TV. And Spongebob doesn’t give two shits about widescale corruption in your workplace. Spongebob only gives two shits about Gary, Patrick, Sandy, Squidward, the Krusty Krab and YOU. Yes he does. Yes he does.

Fuck your diet: So you’re trying to be good, trying to be healthy, trying to slim down because you’re a fatty-fat fat fat. We understand. However, you’re sick. The stuff you’re trying to restrict yourself to isn’t appetizing at all and you have to eat. So as you are sick, you’re allowed to cheat. Comfort foods exist for a reason! Have toast with peanut butter on it. Have mac and cheese. Have the Double Down. Have two! (Please, for the love of God, don’t have two. – ed.) Have cocoa and booze with it. Have booze. Speaking of…

Drink: What? Like you’re going to get MORE sick? Get drunk. It might help.

Take drugs: While we don’t advocate any drug use (seriously, even pot makes you a loser – users are losers, users are losers!), we understand that in order to get healthy, you sometimes need the aid of alternatives. Not alternative medicine, you hippies. Swallowing, I don’t know, a loofah made of wheatgrass isn’t going to get rid of a sore throat. It’s just going to clog you up worse than…some…kind of drain…shut up, I’m sick. We’re talking pills to make you sleep, to keep you awake, to decongest you, to make you not queasy, to stop you from throwing up and all sorts of fun things in between. Oh, and morphine. That shit’ll make you forget you’re sick at ALL.

Sleep: Rest is certainly key when it comes to making yourself better. Your body demands that you sleep on a level less of that of a human and more on terms of that of a cat. As long as you sleep, your body can shut down higher functions in order to repair the blast zone that is your immune system. And hell, once you hit adult levels, the more sleep you can get, the better. Call it embracing a second childhood in a sense. However, there is a downside to all the sleep. This is…

Insane dreams: These can either be really fun or really really bad. Some sickness dreams can lead to you riding a mechanical taco through the middle of Berlin, wearing a tri-corn hat and waving a saber, laughing maniacally as the populace trembles under your might. Others lead to you being surrounded by college frat boys throwing eggs at your house as you’re pinned down, glasses knocked off so you can only see blurs IN YOUR DREAM, their rationale being that this is how they keep the peace and enforce order. THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND. It is literally (You mean figuratively – ed.) rolling the dice, even is evil, odd is just…well, odd.

(Oh that is a horrific pun, you bastard. – ed.)
Have fun interrupting my article this time, Ed?

(I just…you needed correcting. – ed.)

You sound like a Drew Frazier.


Sorry. Sorry. That was out of line. You didn’t deserve that. Nobody deserves that.

(You’re damn right. Goodbye everyone. We’ll try to get back to a normal schedule soon. – ed.)

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