A Massive Retraction

Posted: April 23, 2010 by kaostheory in Interview
Tags: , , , ,

Okay. We have to be honest right now. We don’t want to be. This is not a good situation we’re in. But we are strong, self-affirmed and willing to accept responsibility when things don’t go as we planned. And when you say something wrong, you have to own up to it. That is what being a man is all about. THAT IS BEING A MAN, damnit!

Okay, so we fucked up.

No, we’re not in trouble with any of the various social organizations we’ve made fun of. No, we’re not in trouble with PETA or the US government. Not this time anyways. No, we aren’t being threatened by Revolution Muslim, those fucking cowards. No, we are in hot water with this little piss-ant organization defending koalas of all things. Yes, folks, we are getting yelled at by the Koala United National Treatment and Security Society. Apparently the KUNTSS are upset with our “slanderous portrayal” of koalas in our last article. Who would have guessed?

Anyways, in order to smooth some ruffled…fur, I guess, we invited the head of their organization, Mr. Reginald McWharter, to have a sit down with us to apologize to the organization and to become more well-informed. We’re nothing if not noble. It…um…didn’t quite go as we planned. Here’s the transcript. Judge for yourself.
Dan Eats Cat Food: Hello, Reggie. Can we call you Reggie?

Reginald McWharter: Most certainly not. We are not nearly on that level of famili-

DECF: So Reggie, what’s the bug up your ass about this time?

RM: *ahem* We, the Koala United National Treatment and Security Society…

DECF: You mean KUNTSS.

RM: Yes. We KUNTSSers are horribly offended at your indecent treatment of the mighty koala in your Earth Day article.

DECF: Clearly. Why?

RM: Multiple reasons. To begin with, you encouraged waving your…ugh…genitalia at the koala. That is wholly unacceptable.

DECF: I fail to see why.

RM: Koalas are noble creatures! They are unaccustomed to lewd and obscene behavior, especially in public.

DECF: That can’t be right. I saw three of them, just the other day, humping away like a furry little hurricane of sex. It was all teeth and yelling.

RM: Ah…quite. Secondly, your portrayal of the gentle, meek koala as a violent, bloodthirsty savage bent on revenge was completely inaccurate.

DECF: In our defense, we did make him rabid. And it was satire. Comedy. Humor, if you will.

RM: Regardless, it was beyond the scope of what we will allow. We can no longer stand idly by while smear artists like yourselves…

DECF: That’s a new one. Thanks!

RM: While…but…um…oh yes, while jackals like yourself and PETA tear away at the rights and privileges that being a koala entails!

DECF: Okay, we’re just going to let you talk yourself quiet on that one. Go right ahead, Reg.

RM: For too long has the noble koala been brought down by your societal obligations! We believe that the koala is not another species, but simply a different race of human being. They deserve all inalienable rights that this world has to offer. The right to vote. The right to marry. The right to free healthcare. The right to welfare. The right to walk and live and breathe and enjoy all that life provides in its wondrous bounty. We believe that the koala is mute, not because it lacks the capability of speech but because it chooses to hear the world and experience the world without interference. Koalas are pacifists. They do not pick up weapons. They do not kill their own kind or other kinds of beings. They respect nature and all its glory. When they eat, they only feast on the the eucalyptus leaves nearest to dying, making sure to hasten their departure from this earth with as little pain as they can experience. What you have done to koalas – YOU, Dan Eats Cat Food – is nothing short of a hate crime. Your vile slander has tarnished the very name of koalas. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

DECF:…it’s a fucking BEAR.

RM: NO! It is a marsupial and that means that it is a different race of human, you ignorant fool.


RM: AND? Do you believe it needs to be JUDGED because it has two penises? Do you believe that it is a lesser BEING because it has two penises? I believe that it’s MORE human because of that! Do you wish that YOU had two penises? I certainly do!

DECF: I can’t say that I’ve ever wanted that, no.

RM: WELL I HAVE! It is the burden that I – and every single one of the KUNTSS – bear every single day. We were cursed with being human. We will never experience the joy of climbing through trees, eating lazily at leaves, experiencing the world, cuddling with another koala…its soft, gray fur caressing ours, musk saturating the air, filling our lungs with the promise of mating, driving us into heat, loins quivering with desire…

DECF: AND that’s where our interview ends. Thank you Reggie. We offer no apology and pray to whatever merciful God will hear us that we will be able to burn the mental image that you have just provided from our brains as soon as possible.
(KT, that was…um…gross. – ed.)

Uh, yeah. Yeah it was.

(Should…should we do something to break the awkward tension? – ed.)


(That…works. Goodnight everyone. Sorry. – ed.)

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