How To Do Earth Day The Dan Eats Cat Food Way

Posted: April 22, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , ,

Well, apparently my revealing the details of Ed’s gross misconduct this past weekend has brought about some unintended side-effects. More specifically, Ed lost custody of his children and is about to be forced to give up on his lawsuit to regain some of the money he has lost in his divorce. My bad. As punishment, he has threatened to fire me unless I…*sigh*…do my proper penitence. While I don’t have to flog myself with spiked cords (Yet. – ed.), I do have to cover…ugh…”Earth Day”. Yes, “Earth Day”, the day when people can pretend that they give two shits about the environment by drinking out of reconstituted water bottles, eating organic mush and using toilet water to bathe in to reduce wasted water from the shower. Whee. The flogging would be less painful.

(Just do it. – ed.)

Fuck you, Nike man. But yeah, I suppose it should be done. Thankfully, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food have some different ways available for you to do Earth Day WITHOUT feeling like a smug, green, puckered asshole. We hope you use them.
Instead of going for a drive this fine day, why not pull your car outside and let it idle as you lean back and take a nap? You’re outside doing things, you’re letting yourself rest AND you’re doing your part for the environment by not driving anywhere! Everyone wins!

Instead of showering and wasting all that water negligently as you masturbate under the running water, imagining that you’re fucking in the rain, how about masturbating on your own time and just spraying your nether regions with perfume or cologne? That way you get to be comfortable as you jettison your super soldiers AND you save water by coating the atmosphere with sweet, sweet aerosol. It’s doubly good for the world.

Try doing something outside today. Don’t waste your whole day sitting inside, even if the damn NFL Draft is on and you want desperately to make sure that you don’t miss a single potential trade or draft pick since anything could have an effect on your team. Take a walk! Go throw a football around! Go to the zoo! Which reminds me…

If you go to the zoo, be sure to wave your penis at a koala. Why? You have to assert your dominance. You’re the King of the Jungle. You’re outside, walking around, eating a sno-cone. Meanwhile, they’re stuck inside an enclosure, chowing down on bamboo or whatever the fuck koalas eat. There is no possible result that isn’t awesome that could come from taunting a wild animal.

If the koala escapes, run for your goddamn life. It has seen your penis. It thirsts for your blood. Run.

Go grab a pretzel. Enjoy being safe. If you hear a chittering though, take off again. It hasn’t lost your scent yet. It’s like a furry little Sam Fisher.

Instead of throwing away a beer can, why don’t you take it out back and shoot bullets at it? This offers something that’s not just throwing the can away. Plus, the more beer you have, the more cans you have to shoot at AND the more fun you’re going to have shooting them.

We all know that you have to use the crapper at some point. Instead of using toilet paper, which doesn’t biodegrade for thousands of years, try using leaves and sticks instead. Before you do, though, be sure to check and make sure that it’s not poison ivy or poison oak or poison sumac or actually a praying mantis instead. All of those will do untold damage to your colorectal system. True fact: Cuba Gooding Jr. had this happen once. Now he shits in a bag and doesn’t have a career. A cautionary tale for us all.

Condoms add thousands of tons of waste each year to our landfills and sewer systems. If you make love to your woman today, how about going bareback? Not only do you get to save the Earth but your Major General will thank you for letting him breathe free and easy! Just remember: “Past the lips, over the tongue, look out stomach, here it ‘comes'”! That way you prevent even more waste!

Also during Sex Time…keep the lights off. Not that you don’t want to see your woman, of course. It just saves electricity and makes things more romantic in the coming moonlight. Ignore that creeping shadow in the window. I’m sure it’s nothing.

As you orgasm, be sure to…what was that? What was what? You must be hearing things after exploding so hard. Good for you. Good for you.

No, I heard something. I highly doubt that. All there is in the room is you, her, me and that koala in the corner holding a switchblade.

Wait, back up. What was that last one? A koala with a switchblade, panting with rabies and fury. Nothing to…oh.

Sweet Jesus! Run for it! No! Don’t run! They hunt by sensing movement! You’re just damning yourself, you poor stupid perverted fool!

Fuck this. I’m going to the bathroom and locking the door. You’re just going to leave your woman alone with this thing?

In a word, yes. Coward.

Fuck you. Lady, you might want to jump out that window at this point. Yes, I know it’s a second story. Trust me. What that animal wants to do with that blade is ten times worse than a couple broken ribs from jumping. I’ll meet you down there. You okay in there, pal?

Yeah, I’m good. How about you, Koala?

Hissssssssssssss. Cool. I’ll let you guys sort this out then. Peace.
(That was pretty weird, KT. – ed.)

Hey, you stopped calling me “Cockmunch”!

(…damn it. -ed.)

Cool. Until next time. DEUCES!

(You’re fired. -ed.)

  1. atomicgator says:

    Great Earth Day ideas, very entertaining.


  2. Fantastic, and comprehensive list!
    I’m off to shoot a whale and flash a koala.

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