The Oddest Search Results Leading to Dan Eats Cat Food: Part de Deux

Posted: April 14, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , , , ,

A while back, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food brought you the weirdest/sickest/funniest as hell search results that led all manner of perverts, weirdos, freaks and recovering alcoholics to our fine, fine website. It was wonderful or at least not terrible. Well, since we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel dry at this point, we’ve decided to bring you a second edition! This time we have even more effed-up searching for you to feast your eyeballs on. So, let’s do this shit.

(Really? No built-up intro? No insulting our readers or their families? No vulgar jokes about Rosie O’Donnell’s labia? – ed?)

I’m a professional, Ed. And as a professional, I find offense in your implications that would act any way otherwise.

(Seriously though. This is a joke right? You’re going to say something awful as soon as I stop paying attention right? – ed.)

I don’t intend to, no.

(Well…alright. I suppose I can believe you. That’s great. It’s nice to seeing you take your job seriously for once. – ed.)

May I continue with my article now, Ed?

(Oh. Oh yeah. By all means, go ahead. – ed.)

Alright. Let’s get this spankrag rolling!

(WHAT? – ed.)

———
“kama sutra edward cullen”: Oh my God. Those two things should never be in the same sentence, let ALONE the same web search. I’m going to place a bet that this is Stephenie Meyer looking for people who want to have sex with her fauxpire so she can frig herself silly and cry over her lack of talent. Am I wrong here?

“”mass effect” ball gag”: I…jigga what? This is both a terrifying concept and something that I…um…kinda want to use to exploit nerds. I’ll be…back.

“something to masturbate to”: Clearly this person has no personal standards. Either that or he’s REALLY horny. I can picture it now. “Damnit! I don’t care what it is but I want to jack off to SOMETHING. Help me, Internet. I literally don’t care what it is.” *shiver*

“pissy on balloons”:This one is more confusing than anything. Are they trying to find someone who is urinating on balloons or are they trying to find someone who going ballistic and hates balloons more than anything in the world? Is it…both?

“children only buy cereals for the prize”: Well, that and the pound and a half of refined sugar pumped in all those cereals, yeah.

“dan eats video games”: WHOA! Whoa. No. No. We only are going to make him consume cat food. Not shove an N64 cartridge down his gullet. You sick bastard. Unless of course he chooses that option. I don’t think he will though.

“+alexander from virginia, brendon from n”: I think we may have gotten our wires crossed here just a little bit. You’re looking for “WHO THE EFF KNOWS”.

“spankwire green haired and hung” AND “green haired and hung spankwire”: Oh holy crap. We may actually be a leading search result for this potential porn video. I’m not sure to be ashamed of that or proud of it. Probably neither.

“what to do when you dont have a spare ti”: A ti-what? A TI-WHAT? Tire? Tiger? TIED-UP HOOKER IN YOUR BASEMENT?

“agony anguish penelope 1”: I have a strong feeling that this is an area of the Internet we don’t want to spend a whole hell of a lot of time in.

“safe to cat food human doctor”: If you’re asking if it is safe to turn a human doctor into cat food, I wouldn’t recommend it. That technically is murder.

“getting married while in college”: GOOD LUCK, FUCKER!

“scat food move”: Um. Not sure what this is…not sure I want to know.

“why do kids put barbies in inappropriate”: I assume you’re asking why kids shove Barbies up their nether regions right? Well, it’s called experimentation and it’s a vital part of exploring their sexuality. In a way, you know that your kids are growing up. You should be proud.

“st. rupert’s day”: Now this is just a joke, right? Rupert’s a mildly retarded drunk, not a saint. If anything, he’s a Panther. (ba-dum-tisch NFL joke).

“cops sanandreas cat farts”: The…fuck? I’m not sure any of those search terms have any business being involved with each other. It’s like a confusing gangbang of ideals.

“when does a puppy male eats cat food”: Whens his owneer typess lke a fugin RETARD!

“rough masturbation porn”: Ouch. Sandpaper is a bad touch thing.

“underage daugther eat scat”: I hesitate to even put this out there but you all deserve to see what sick fucks there are on the Internet. THIS is who keeps you company. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? Seriously though, I hope this guy gets castrated by a runaway car.

“do felonies follow you when you move?”: Gawrsh. I dunno, Mickey. Why don’t we ask Mr. Policeman over here? Hi, Mr. Policeman! “Hi, Goofy. What can I do for you?” Me and Mickey here wanted ta know if felonies you commit follow you when you move from town to town? “Well, that’s a complicated question, Goofy, full of complicated answers. The basic answer though is…Jesus, don’t be a fucking retard. Of course they damn well follow you. You’re a criminal, you stupid asshole. Moving towns isn’t going to fucking matter. Extradition, bitch. Fuck your stupid ass.” Gawrsh! Thanks, Mr. Policeman! Did that help?

“why don’t old people die?”: Because they’re Terminators, sent from the future to kill John Connor.

“man rape cat”: Yet another one I don’t really want to know about.

“lsd welding anal beads”: I may be totally off-base here but I don’t think that whoever is searching this phrase really NEEDS any more LSD. If you’re including that with WELDING and ANAL BEADS, you’re either in for a wild weekend or are about to go into an extended stay in a federal penitentiary.

“hw to make your penise longer”: Youe mighte wante toe trye surgicale enhancemente ore evene Enzytee ore ae similare druge. Beste ofe lucke withe youre tinye dicke.

“kissher food.com”: Kissher? Did you mean KOSHER? And why the hell would we be talking about anything kosher on this site? Cat food, man!

“rejected shotgun theme”: I really REALLY want to know what the theme was now.

“free porn feet scat”: I would make a really tasteless joke about a mud bath right now but…ew. I just grossed myself out. Ew. Ew. Ew.

“don’t worry i r jeez cat”: don’t worry i r not i can haz cheezburger site u stoopid fcker.

“loving owner rejected by cat”: Ah ha. Ahhahah. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. NICE one! Owned by a cat. Amazing.

And finally, we have this:

“pedophilia academia”: It sounds either like a Japanese hentai or a coming-of-age school-based Disney program. I’d kinda love it if it was both.’
———
And there you have it. Some of the worst, most depraved stuff that the Internet has to offer leads people right to this site. I feel like I need to go take a shower now. You probably do too. Frankly, I wouldn’t blame you.

DEUCES!

(DAMN IT! – ed.)

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